Right Here

There were days when I wondered if everything we were going through was worth it.

It is. All those tears can be made up in a few sweet hours of cuddles. I swear, it fades. It never will disappear, of that I'm sure, but it doesn't hurt so badly. It's hard to hurt like hell when you're holding more love and perfection than you ever thought was possible in the world.

It was worth it, every last tear.

It's a sad day

Please stop by WiseGuy's home and send her some love. My heart is crying for her. Hard, hard tears.

The Arrival (baby)

The short version of the labor story is that contractions started at 5:30pm on Sunday the 2nd at 30 min apart and fairly unorganized, and I didn't sleep at all that night b/c I couldn't get comfortable enough (the pain was minimal). My water broke at 7am on Monday the 3rd, we went to the hospital at 10:30pm that night with the doula b/c I was starting to get a bit of a fever (though it didn't reach fever status until after delivery and quickly vanished), I ended up taking pitocin and an epi (that didn't work beyond the loading dose) at 4:30am Tuesday the 4th, and Babel came out in about 10 minutes of pushing at 12:56pm that day. Babel was fantastic during the long labor and never showed signs of distress. He was crying the moment he was halfway out (which is a freaky, freaky sensation). He weighed 7lbs 3oz and was 21.5 inches, and at the doctor's yesterday, he was already up to 7lbs 5oz.

He's amazing. He's a fantastic baby, barely crying, sleeping for long stretches (well, maybe not these last few nights...), and eating like a champ. TH is in LOVE. He's fantastic with Babel and loves him dearly. The little guy is so tiny, but he's already changed so much in a week. He squirms like a little bird, and he's so expressive. Put simply, we're happily in love. I wish we could wrap these days up into a little package that lasted forever.

I have lots to say and no time to say it all. I also don't know that I'm ready to share the full detail of the 30 hour labor, but I know that I need to in order to heal a bit from it. I'm full of emotions, and it's hard to settle down at night to fall asleep before the long hours with Babel begin. I'm exclusively breastfeeding on demand, so TH can't take the night calls with me that much. He'd love to if he could. He's been coming to bed with me when I lay down to help me calm down, recharge my soul, and let some of the love pour out. What they don't tell you about loving a child is how much more it makes you love your spouse. I could cling to TH with just as much vigor as I have for holding Babel while he soundly sleeps. It's nothing short of amazing, and I think these coming days are what will really heal me from the traumas of the infertility. It's hard to believe this all really just came true, but my God, it's great.

With that, I'll leave you with a few pics, including the treasured baby armpit that tortured me so many weeks ago. It's just as perfect as I knew it would be.

The Possibilities

Five years ago tonight, I was on a train up from Philly. I was filled with excitement about spending NYE in the city, even though our big celebration was in Queens. It didn't matter; the city held so much promise for me, as I was on the brink of deciding to move here on my own as soon as I could find a job. What could be better than a midwestern girl leaving one city for her true city, doing it all on her own, and moving into the close realm of friends? It seemed like nothing.

I met up with the girls, who were all still getting their nails done. I can't remember why I didn't need to join them, but I didn't. I was hungry, though we were getting dinner soon, so I went for a quick slice of pizza at a local corner joint we liked to frequent on my trips to visit. I sat at a table with a perfect view of the street, and it soon began to snow big, fat, flakes. These flakes were movie quality, and the city street scene was gorgeous. My chest just filled with promise; everything just felt right.

There was a man seated at the counter, alone. He was eating a full meal to my single slice. I still remember the dish that the lasagna was in. This man was definitely older than me, but it made no difference, as I've always had a thing for older men. His back was to me, but he kept turning around to look at me. We'd make eye contact, and I'd go back to marveling at the winter wonderland in my future city. My heart beat a little faster. I debated asking him to attend our party (it was going to be 50+ at a local bar), but it never felt perfectly right. He got up, paid his check, turned back to look at me one last time, and we shared a smile. He hesitated, I went back to my snowflakes, and he vanished. I finished up my food, and I practically skipped back to Eves' apartment to meet up with the girls. It was going to be a good night, and I had such peace on that few blocks walk.

That's the night that everything changed between TH and I. I didn't know it, but he went from being someone I thought was going to be perfect for my first attempt at a one night stand to the man that I would marry in less than two years time. I was moving to be single and crazy, hoping to make up for my unexciting college days in the city that never sleeps. I was 22 and the possibilities were endless. Oh, they were endless, alright, just not in the way that I could have imagined.

That man at the pizza place? I've looked for him everywhere, and I've never seen him again. For as large as a Queens town may be, it's also pretty small. It's amazing how you see random people in the least expected places. I've always thought, looking back, that he wasn't a potential hook-up for that night. He was my angel that night, giving me the hope, filling me with certainty that the night wouldn't disappoint. He was the sign I didn't know I was looking for that night; my love with TH was right around the corner I didn't know I was about to turn. I only told TH this part of the story last night. TH isn't one for angels like I am, so I never wanted to share. When I finished my story, he just hugged me and Babel tight in his TH way.

Do you know how many cycle days I hoped to see that mystery man again? I'd know his face anywhere, yet it's never reappeared. I still hope to see him, though, and not for the reasons I originally enjoyed his face. He's an unspoken sign of hope for me, even though I had no idea that's what I was looking for. And perhaps that is why we'll never cross paths.

__________________________________________________

When I think back to this day one year ago, I couldn't imagine being in a more different place. Last year, we just wanted to move on, up, and anywhere that wasn't in 2009. I couldn't believe that such a terrible year was even possible and had just occurred, yet 2010 still held promise. I chose to believe that it couldn't get worse...and while it did for a little bit, our luck most certainly changed. Babel arrived.

Last year, I entered the new year begging to carry our child. This year, I enter 2011 begging Babel in every way possible to come out and play with us. It's definitely a mixed bag, feeling "done" with being pregnant after trying so very hard to get here. And entering the last two weeks of pregnancy (assuming he's not late) has more similarities to the TWW than I ever could have imagined. I'll save that for later, though.

Last year, we couldn't even bear to be around people. TH and I just needed to be together and let the hours slide away into the new year. We had hope for forward movement, but we were too raw to put that hope out among even our closest friends. After our simple dinner and carriage ride through Central Park, when the clock struck midnight at home, TH and I cried tears that we had made it. We'd survived. 2009 couldn't trap us anymore. Whatever was set to come just had to better; we couldn't think otherwise.

This year, we hope to have cancelled plans. The OB would love to have the first baby in NYC and make it on the cover of the Daily News, so we'd be happy to oblige if Babel would get a move on. Sadly, it looks like we're not going to make it, but we'll take it. We received a crystal rabbit from a coworker of TH's to celebrate Babel being born in the year of the rabbit, so we will be happy not to disappoint. The date matters so little to me; I just want him here. I'm making everyone guess when they think he'll arrive, but when asked when I think he's coming, my only answer is whatever day we're on. Every day holds hope that today is the day. Every morning, I wake up, assess, and realize that last night wasn't the night, and the hope rings through for the rest of day. Wash, rinse, repeat. It's tiring, but it's okay. It's a happy, excited hope, regardless of how much I complain about my numb fingers or cumbersome belly. Today could be the day. And pretty soon, we're going to run out of could be days.

Some days, it is a little scary. What if this one "extra" day brings something unexpected that ruins everything? In my mind, this infertility struggle isn't going to really be over (for this round) until I hold a little crying Babel in my arms, while my tears match his. Sometimes, I walk past my belly in the mirror and can't believe it's really me, me+Babel. We're here. It's happening and soon. This ending and new beginning is going to thrust us into everything we've wanted and waited for, and at the same time, it's going to force me to start facing what we want to do next in this journey. I can't wait to experience and don't want to think all at once. One at a time, please. Just lock me in those fresh hours with Babel forever, please. Let me live there for now.

The song that I just know will be perfect for Babel's first day has come on. We're so close I can't stop the tears. C'mon, little one. Come out and let us love you out in the open. We're welcoming 2011 as your year, and we can't wait.

It's the last one

Many people have mentioned that we should take extra care to enjoy this "last Christmas as a couple". I really dislike that advice (not surprising). Last year, I wished and wished and wished that it would be our last Christmas that was just the two of us, and in a way, that has come true. Babel has moved a little bit out of his normal position, and this has resulted in much, much kicking to announce his presence this morning. It's like he gets lost in there when he's not in his normal spot, which is cute until the kicking gets a little frantic. :)

Anyway, our "last" Christmas. I want to celebrate this but in a completely different way that people mean for us to do so. Next year, Babel will be almost a year, and we'll have carefully bought and wrapped presents for him to tear into, provided we can convince him that presents are interesting things. Next year, we'll hopefully be back to Michigan after my only two years away from home for the holidays, both hiatuses being pregnancy/infertility-related. Next year, our hearts will be full and the waiting will have long since ended. Doesn't that sound like a reason to celebrate this being the last Christmas together? There's no savoring going on over here. We'll make the best out of this holiday, as completely different and almost lacking celebration as it is turning out to be. Truthfully, it's just days that we need to get through to get closer to Babel's little feet kicking us on the outside or even kicking TH instead of saving it all for me. We'll have a lovely few quiet days together, and we'll spend the next week hanging out together and getting things ready even more for Babel. But for this last Christmas? We'll be cuddling to the fact that it will be the last quiet one we will have for a long, long time. For that, we are very, very glad.

May this be the last Christmas that each of you celebrate with less in your family than you'd like. I hope Santa fulfills the dreams of your letters this year. ♥

I'm about to lose my mind

and not in the "and I think I kinda like it" way.

I was literally two typed paragraphs away from celebrating the completion of the semester and my grad career when I got the email from the program advisor complementing and approving my thesis....while simultaneously suggesting that I improve it ever so slightly by adding a figure or table or both. I was reminded that I don't have to do it right now, as the thesis isn't due until February.

Is this woman out of her mind? She knows all about Babel. She knows about the trials to get to Babel, as I had to navigate a few of her classes around treatments. She knew my reason for turning in the thesis months ahead of schedule on my own imposed deadlines is because I do not want to have school work needlessly hanging over my head simply because the timeline is available to me. No thanks. I want to enjoy my baby in his full glory. School be damned...or just completed.

In the past three days, I have unintentionally exhausted myself with a few normal activities. I'm most definitely sleep deprived due to lack of comfortable positions available. I got a lecture at the doctor today. I've been working on this final for entirely too long (though it's thankfully now submitted), and I have told myself repeatedly that I *just* had to get through today. Now, today has turned into next week with school. I have been on a hormonal roller coaster since Saturday, when I have pretty much kept my chit together in that respect for most of the pregnancy.

This must mean the end is near. I haven't been this batchit since injectibles. I apparently didn't miss it.

Almost

It's almost time, and I can't believe it. Some days it feels like we're so close, and others feel like it's still an eternity away, even with less than a month left. I know with the holidays coming, two of the weeks will fly right on by, which is exciting and painfully slow to get to, all at the same time.

The doctor stopped me from working on Monday because of swelling and primarily to stop my public transport commute and keep me resting at home. I'm not confined to bed by any means, and with just limited activities around the apartment, my swelling and mood is much, much better. Hiking it to work was taking more out of me than I realized. My workload has also been very slow over the past few months, so it felt like such a waste of time to spend my days there when there was so much to do at home. I've made a 3 page list (yes, I'm serious) of ideas of things to do to keep me busy over this wait for Babel in the event I get lazy and start to get bored. There's so much that has been put on the back burner over the past two years between treatments and school that I'm excited about finally having the time to do. Things that were never really all that important now have all the time in the world; it's a nice example of how our life has changed these past few months with Babel's presence.

I'm officially done with classes, and by 5pm tonight, I will have my last exam in my hands. It's a take home exam, and while I'm not really prepared for it (I haven't done much other than attend classes and listen), I have an entire week to complete it. My hope is to get it done by the weekend. With all this time at home, I have no excuse not to! I should also hear about whether or not my thesis was approved today. After that, TH will take it to be bound, and then I will really and truly be done (we'll have to time this with me turning in my final)! I suspect that I won't get an on-time response regarding the thesis, but at least the date is here and it could come at any time. Sounds a little like Babel, no? :)

Can you believe it? Everything is coming to an end all at once. It's a little hard to wrap my head around. There are people who would say God has a plan and that the timing was part of it, but I am not one of those people. Usually, I would be, but with the infertility battle, I don't think it's so easy to say that it was just an issue of timing. That's too much pain to place on a little factor like "not the right time", don't you think? I do.

So, that's where we are, tying up loose ends, finishing Babel's room, completing a gazillion photo projects I haven't had the time for, getting ready for the holidays, and finding some time to clear my head and wait for Babel to decide he's ready to join us.

Can you imagine? He's really just on the cusp of joining us. This is all finally coming to an end...for now.