Late. Again. Let's hope my period follows suit.
1. Sore right nip. Awesome.
2. Dancing my bootay off with Germans and the SMT on a Saturday night in the city. I so needed that fun.
3. Samantha Jones. She loves the SMT just as much as I do.
4. MIL telling TH that she was upset about The Effing Stork *for me*. It made me cry. :)
5. Outlet shopping.
Computer hibernating! Quick post!
30 November 2009
28 November 2009
Let the Spazzing Commence
I'm so freaking bloated that I can't stand it. My boobs are definitely big. The shot has definitely left my system. I feel nothing.
I started going downhill over purchasing a new pair of skinny jeans b/c The Bloat does not fit into anything.
Do I buy the pair that fit okay now, but if this cycle is going somewhere will be useless in a few weeks?
Do I NEXT bigger size and hope to grow into them? But then, those don't really look like skinny jeans, and if this cycle amounts to nothing (per usual), I will just have fat jeans with a size that makes my heart sad.
It's like the success of this cycle is tied into a goddamned pair of jeans.
The waiting has officially gotten to me. I still feel nothing. I'm a mess, but I'm faking normalcy pretty well....until these damn jeans.
I started going downhill over purchasing a new pair of skinny jeans b/c The Bloat does not fit into anything.
Do I buy the pair that fit okay now, but if this cycle is going somewhere will be useless in a few weeks?
Do I NEXT bigger size and hope to grow into them? But then, those don't really look like skinny jeans, and if this cycle amounts to nothing (per usual), I will just have fat jeans with a size that makes my heart sad.
It's like the success of this cycle is tied into a goddamned pair of jeans.
The waiting has officially gotten to me. I still feel nothing. I'm a mess, but I'm faking normalcy pretty well....until these damn jeans.
Paint the Scene
It's Thanksgiving morning. I'm happily up and cooking, list in hand. TH is working on the living room, making it beautiful for our Thanksgiving table. He comes into the kitchen to help me, and I happen to look out our kitchen window (which is STILL lacking blinds or curtains). I see part of a wooden cut out...it appears to be a hat of some sort...
Mother effer. The neighbor had her baby (yay). There is a giant effing wooden stork on our front lawn.
We live in an NYC condo complex, but it's not a skyscraper that you would imagine. The building is only two floors high, and it spans the length of a a city block. It forms a cut out similar to that of a zipper, where the indentations have a shared lawn space perfect for small summer parties...and mother effing wooden storks.
I began to panic. I began to feel that old, familiar feeling of empty uterus pain that we all know so well. I started to cry. But then, the panic really hits. Sobbing in TH's shirt (again), feet stomping, trembling, hair inhaling fun. I have to walk by this bitch for the next week(?) EVERY TIME I COME HOME. Home is my sacred space. It's the one place in which I am safe from all things child. No such luck. Shattered.
The stork is just to the left (4 ft?) of the walkway to our apartment. I cannot avoid this bitch. It's over 6 ft tall, as well. It's hideous (even if I wasn't an IFer, I would still think that.) It's overbearing. It's not mine.
I will find out the results of this cycle while that chit sits in my front lawn. And, don't forget that we have guests. TH tried to cheer me up and tell me that maybe it will make the stork finally find our house. (Valiant effort, TH, but FAIL.) And still, I cried. But, I must say, I didn't cry nearly as hard as one might have thought. I'm not sure what to make of that. Perhaps I am all cried out? Very likely.
Alas, the fun did not end here. I saw the neighbor's car pull up, and thus the frustration continued. The baby was home, and because of our uncurtained windows (why can't I effing find some I like?!) and my need to cook Thanksgiving dinner, I was going to be privy to it all.
Resume panic. I tried to stay in the kitchen, but then I decided to give up the fight and be kind to myself. (Hello, entering our HOME for the next week is going to be difficult enough. Maybe I should just stay inside?) I went to the back of our apartment and laid on the bed with Jones. She's not a super cuddler unless she wants to, but girlfriend absorbed my tears.
And then the cooing started. From the downstairs neighbors. From the next door neighbors. Apparently all the neighbors came out to see the new baby. I started shrieking to TH to put some music on, covering my ears, now swallowing Jones's hair instead of my own.
Mother effer. I worked so hard to avoid this meltdown. If I wanted this scene, I could have just gone to Michigan to meet my cousin's new baby!
The outdoor charade went on for at least 30 minutes. Apparently the baby got passed around to all the neighbors to hold. There was much oohing and ahhing. The music masked most of the merriment.
On our end, our beautiful home was tainted, if only briefly in the grand scheme of it's current and future life. Inside, it was simply the sad, empty uterus echo we all know so well.
Mother effer. The neighbor had her baby (yay). There is a giant effing wooden stork on our front lawn.
We live in an NYC condo complex, but it's not a skyscraper that you would imagine. The building is only two floors high, and it spans the length of a a city block. It forms a cut out similar to that of a zipper, where the indentations have a shared lawn space perfect for small summer parties...and mother effing wooden storks.
I began to panic. I began to feel that old, familiar feeling of empty uterus pain that we all know so well. I started to cry. But then, the panic really hits. Sobbing in TH's shirt (again), feet stomping, trembling, hair inhaling fun. I have to walk by this bitch for the next week(?) EVERY TIME I COME HOME. Home is my sacred space. It's the one place in which I am safe from all things child. No such luck. Shattered.
The stork is just to the left (4 ft?) of the walkway to our apartment. I cannot avoid this bitch. It's over 6 ft tall, as well. It's hideous (even if I wasn't an IFer, I would still think that.) It's overbearing. It's not mine.
I will find out the results of this cycle while that chit sits in my front lawn. And, don't forget that we have guests. TH tried to cheer me up and tell me that maybe it will make the stork finally find our house. (Valiant effort, TH, but FAIL.) And still, I cried. But, I must say, I didn't cry nearly as hard as one might have thought. I'm not sure what to make of that. Perhaps I am all cried out? Very likely.
Alas, the fun did not end here. I saw the neighbor's car pull up, and thus the frustration continued. The baby was home, and because of our uncurtained windows (why can't I effing find some I like?!) and my need to cook Thanksgiving dinner, I was going to be privy to it all.
Resume panic. I tried to stay in the kitchen, but then I decided to give up the fight and be kind to myself. (Hello, entering our HOME for the next week is going to be difficult enough. Maybe I should just stay inside?) I went to the back of our apartment and laid on the bed with Jones. She's not a super cuddler unless she wants to, but girlfriend absorbed my tears.
And then the cooing started. From the downstairs neighbors. From the next door neighbors. Apparently all the neighbors came out to see the new baby. I started shrieking to TH to put some music on, covering my ears, now swallowing Jones's hair instead of my own.
Mother effer. I worked so hard to avoid this meltdown. If I wanted this scene, I could have just gone to Michigan to meet my cousin's new baby!
The outdoor charade went on for at least 30 minutes. Apparently the baby got passed around to all the neighbors to hold. There was much oohing and ahhing. The music masked most of the merriment.
On our end, our beautiful home was tainted, if only briefly in the grand scheme of it's current and future life. Inside, it was simply the sad, empty uterus echo we all know so well.
24 November 2009
I've come to realize...
that I'm very, very bored. No good.
I’ve come to realize that my chest-size. . .is better on hormones.
I’ve come to realize that my job. . .is not the job I will be doing for more than a few years.
I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving. . .in NYC, I feel like I'm totally kick ass.
I’ve come to realize that I need. . .TH. I've never needed someone before.
I’ve come that realize that I have lost. . .my innocence. I didn't realize it was what was so beautiful about the early years until it was gone.
I’ve come to realize that I hate it when. . .TH chews loudly. Seriously.
I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk. . .and experiencing IF, I'm not always a happy drunk.
I’ve come to realize that money...comes in cycles. You never really hit rock bottom.
I’ve come to realize that certain people. . .will never understand.
I’ve come to realize that I’ll always. . .want more.
I’ve come to realize that my sibling(s). . .and I are getting closer as they get older. It's great.
I’ve come to realize that my mom…tries in her own way.
I’ve come to realize that my cell phone. . .is way too close by.
I’ve come to realize that when I wake up in the morning. . .I usually want more sleep.
I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep. . .I fidgeted. This is my new habit for when I'm anxious or overtired.
I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking. . .that the clockhands just need to move a little bit faster.
I’ve come to realize that my dad. . .wasn't all that I thought he was.
I’ve come to realize that today. . .will never happen again.
I’ve come to realize that tonight. . .is the start of all the fun this week!
I’ve come to realize that tomorrow. . .is one day closer to our dreams.
I’ve come to realize that I really want to. . .be pregnant. Duh.
I’ve come to realize that the person mostly likely to repost this is. . .not going to be named by me.
I’ve come to realize that life. . .is what you make of it.
I’ve come to realize that my friends. . .understand more than I ever thought they could.
I’ve come to realize that this year. . .is almost over. We've almost made it.
I’ve come to realize that my exes. . .never could have gotten me through this like TH has.
I’ve come to realize that maybe I should. . .find more Me Time. It's definitely been lacking lately.
I’ve come to realize that I love. . .our marriage.
I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand. . .why this is happening to us. I never will.
I’ve come to realize my past. . .remains in the past. No regrets.
I’ve come to realize that parties. . .in our apartment make me happy...until I'm ready to go to sleep and we still have guests. :)
I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified. . .that our baby isn't at the end of this journey.
I’ve come to realize that my life. . .
I’ve come to realize that my chest-size. . .is better on hormones.
I’ve come to realize that my job. . .is not the job I will be doing for more than a few years.
I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving. . .in NYC, I feel like I'm totally kick ass.
I’ve come to realize that I need. . .TH. I've never needed someone before.
I’ve come that realize that I have lost. . .my innocence. I didn't realize it was what was so beautiful about the early years until it was gone.
I’ve come to realize that I hate it when. . .TH chews loudly. Seriously.
I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk. . .and experiencing IF, I'm not always a happy drunk.
I’ve come to realize that money...comes in cycles. You never really hit rock bottom.
I’ve come to realize that certain people. . .will never understand.
I’ve come to realize that I’ll always. . .want more.
I’ve come to realize that my sibling(s). . .and I are getting closer as they get older. It's great.
I’ve come to realize that my mom…tries in her own way.
I’ve come to realize that my cell phone. . .is way too close by.
I’ve come to realize that when I wake up in the morning. . .I usually want more sleep.
I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep. . .I fidgeted. This is my new habit for when I'm anxious or overtired.
I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking. . .that the clockhands just need to move a little bit faster.
I’ve come to realize that my dad. . .wasn't all that I thought he was.
I’ve come to realize that today. . .will never happen again.
I’ve come to realize that tonight. . .is the start of all the fun this week!
I’ve come to realize that tomorrow. . .is one day closer to our dreams.
I’ve come to realize that I really want to. . .be pregnant. Duh.
I’ve come to realize that the person mostly likely to repost this is. . .not going to be named by me.
I’ve come to realize that life. . .is what you make of it.
I’ve come to realize that my friends. . .understand more than I ever thought they could.
I’ve come to realize that this year. . .is almost over. We've almost made it.
I’ve come to realize that my exes. . .never could have gotten me through this like TH has.
I’ve come to realize that maybe I should. . .find more Me Time. It's definitely been lacking lately.
I’ve come to realize that I love. . .our marriage.
I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand. . .why this is happening to us. I never will.
I’ve come to realize my past. . .remains in the past. No regrets.
I’ve come to realize that parties. . .in our apartment make me happy...until I'm ready to go to sleep and we still have guests. :)
I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified. . .that our baby isn't at the end of this journey.
I’ve come to realize that my life. . .
5dpiui: Ho Hum
I swear, you turn a corner at 5dpiui. Anything less than that and the wait feels like F-O-R-E-V-E-R, and not in the "I ♥ U 4E" kind of way.
The only news I've got over here is that I'm tired, really effing tired. I've been running around and doing a bunch of homework and guest preparations in the last three days and I think it's catching up to me (or maybe it's something else...). I felt awful b/c I definitely fell asleep in class at 7pm last night. I could have definitely just laid my head down on the desk and conked (konked?) out.
I've had a few mild headaches, which could also be from lack of sleep and exhaustion. I've still got a lot of CM, and I'm bloated. The b00bs are still a little bigger but nothing crazy. Everything is mild; nothing all that remarkable. I POAS this morning, and the line was much fainter than Sunday's, especially given that I used FMU this morning and peed late on Sunday evening. It's slowly workin' its way out...
I'm bored today at work (and lazy), so the day is dragging. The fun is about to start, but I just have to make it through tonight around 8-8:30pm when I finish meeting with my group and doing a trial of next week's presentation. The end of the semester is definitely catching up with me, so the frenzy is definitely starting. I'm ready for a little break and some fun with the girls this weekend. Can't. Wait. And, it helps to know that the fun days will fly by, and thus, we'll be right up on the days that really matter.
And, randomly, I will confess that I looked at round crib sheets online today. I never, ever look at baby stuff, online or otherwise. I only lasted for about 3 minutes because I hated all the patterns I saw, but it was a first of sorts. I've allowed myself to dream this cycle. The dreams lie deep within, obviously, or we wouldn't be in this mess, but I haven't been letting them come up for a while. Maybe it will help. If it doesn't work, it's going to hurt regardless of whether I dream or don't. Might as well live in the dreams for a few more days.
Today was boring. Sorry friends. :(
The only news I've got over here is that I'm tired, really effing tired. I've been running around and doing a bunch of homework and guest preparations in the last three days and I think it's catching up to me (or maybe it's something else...). I felt awful b/c I definitely fell asleep in class at 7pm last night. I could have definitely just laid my head down on the desk and conked (konked?) out.
I've had a few mild headaches, which could also be from lack of sleep and exhaustion. I've still got a lot of CM, and I'm bloated. The b00bs are still a little bigger but nothing crazy. Everything is mild; nothing all that remarkable. I POAS this morning, and the line was much fainter than Sunday's, especially given that I used FMU this morning and peed late on Sunday evening. It's slowly workin' its way out...
I'm bored today at work (and lazy), so the day is dragging. The fun is about to start, but I just have to make it through tonight around 8-8:30pm when I finish meeting with my group and doing a trial of next week's presentation. The end of the semester is definitely catching up with me, so the frenzy is definitely starting. I'm ready for a little break and some fun with the girls this weekend. Can't. Wait. And, it helps to know that the fun days will fly by, and thus, we'll be right up on the days that really matter.
And, randomly, I will confess that I looked at round crib sheets online today. I never, ever look at baby stuff, online or otherwise. I only lasted for about 3 minutes because I hated all the patterns I saw, but it was a first of sorts. I've allowed myself to dream this cycle. The dreams lie deep within, obviously, or we wouldn't be in this mess, but I haven't been letting them come up for a while. Maybe it will help. If it doesn't work, it's going to hurt regardless of whether I dream or don't. Might as well live in the dreams for a few more days.
Today was boring. Sorry friends. :(
23 November 2009
What I Love About Sundays: Late Edition
Sunday = homework. Let me tell you, group work blows. I work; I know how to work with people. Making three people, unknown to each other until assigned to the group, work together and coordinate full-time vs part-time student schedules is sucktastic. That being said:
1. My group is awesome. We worked well together, and we got a LOT accomplished today. It was nice to think with other people and hear them fill in my gaps and vice versa.
2. TH is rockin' the house-husband thang right now. We've reached crunch time for home preparations for guests and Thanksgiving, and since I was at school, he was flying solo. He only had to call me twice during grocery shopping, and there were a LOT of baking goods on there. Awesome.
3. Friends. I can't effing wait for Wed when the Germans arrive and Fri when SMT joins the party.
4. Homework. I feel so freaking accomplished each Sunday night. I've used my brain. I've tackled things on my ever-lingering To Do List. I'm surviving grad school (thriving?) and IF and a new apartment and our marriage and work. I rock. Yep. True.
5. Mama D. She's the NP that I work with regularly, and she just makes me happy. She sent me a long email at 3am last night (because she's also in frantic school-induced homework hell) to teach me about some liver disease questions I had that pertained to my presentation next week. She's funny, quirky, and kind. And, she calls me "dear". Who can't love a woman like that, even if she does occasionally remind me of Dr. Dixon on Grey's?
What are your saving graces that will lead you into Monday morning slightly less scathed?
PS I swear nothing is going on over here. No sore boobs or anything. I do have a TON of CM, so much that I wondered if I have a yeast infection, though I don't have any other symptoms. I'm keeping an eye on it. I am pretty bloated, but it's not nearly as bad as the last IUI cycle. I had some endo cramps start up this evening on the bus ride home from school (dislike, the cramps AND the bus ride), but curling up in a ball, resting for 30 minutes and Tylenol did the trick. Miraculous, I know. 3dpiui, 4dptrigger. I POAS, and the line is not nearly as dark as I thought it would be. I'll pee again on Tues to check progress.
PPS I have a cute TH story that you might get to hear tomorrow...if you're lucky. Or, really, if I'm not psychotic between work and class.
1. My group is awesome. We worked well together, and we got a LOT accomplished today. It was nice to think with other people and hear them fill in my gaps and vice versa.
2. TH is rockin' the house-husband thang right now. We've reached crunch time for home preparations for guests and Thanksgiving, and since I was at school, he was flying solo. He only had to call me twice during grocery shopping, and there were a LOT of baking goods on there. Awesome.
3. Friends. I can't effing wait for Wed when the Germans arrive and Fri when SMT joins the party.
4. Homework. I feel so freaking accomplished each Sunday night. I've used my brain. I've tackled things on my ever-lingering To Do List. I'm surviving grad school (thriving?) and IF and a new apartment and our marriage and work. I rock. Yep. True.
5. Mama D. She's the NP that I work with regularly, and she just makes me happy. She sent me a long email at 3am last night (because she's also in frantic school-induced homework hell) to teach me about some liver disease questions I had that pertained to my presentation next week. She's funny, quirky, and kind. And, she calls me "dear". Who can't love a woman like that, even if she does occasionally remind me of Dr. Dixon on Grey's?
What are your saving graces that will lead you into Monday morning slightly less scathed?
PS I swear nothing is going on over here. No sore boobs or anything. I do have a TON of CM, so much that I wondered if I have a yeast infection, though I don't have any other symptoms. I'm keeping an eye on it. I am pretty bloated, but it's not nearly as bad as the last IUI cycle. I had some endo cramps start up this evening on the bus ride home from school (dislike, the cramps AND the bus ride), but curling up in a ball, resting for 30 minutes and Tylenol did the trick. Miraculous, I know. 3dpiui, 4dptrigger. I POAS, and the line is not nearly as dark as I thought it would be. I'll pee again on Tues to check progress.
PPS I have a cute TH story that you might get to hear tomorrow...if you're lucky. Or, really, if I'm not psychotic between work and class.
21 November 2009
Afternoon, ICLWers!
I am 2dpiui. Everything went fine with the IUI. I had less pain during the procedure, but I feel like I had more pain after and yesterday. I was having some OHSS symptoms again, but I've been chugging water and Gatorade, and it seems to be better this morning. Granted it usually gets worse as the day goes on, but I'm going to stay optimistic. :)
This weekend is full of cleaning and homework. We have friends from Germany coming in on Wednesday for 10 days, we're hosting Thanksgiving, and then the SMT is coming for the weekend. (TH is going to be in a house full of estrogen, hehe!) The next week is going to be *busy*, and I'm thankful for it. Let's get these days moving!
I will confess, I'm nervous about having houseguests during the time in which we'll find out if the cycle works or not. We'll save that for later, though. Whenever I start to think about it, I just tell myself that it will hopefully just be more people to celebrate with. ♥
Lastly, let's talk music. I've been feeling like my life is lacking music lately, so I've been trying to put some on more often. We're not TV-as-background-noise people, so our apartment is usually quiet. For this morning's Saturday bagel and egg breakfast, I tried to put music on (FAIL) but we just had to wait until TH and I could stop bickering to put it on. :) (It's hooked up through the computer to the TV's computer to the speakers, blah, blah, blah. And, oddly, TH seemed to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed. I'm happy to report all is well again.) :)
Anyway, do you have some favorite songs/lyrics that get you through the IF dumps? I heard an old song in a new way yesterday, so I'm inspired. Here's my list:
True Fine Love by Steve Miller Band
One Day You Will by Lady Antebellum
This weekend is full of cleaning and homework. We have friends from Germany coming in on Wednesday for 10 days, we're hosting Thanksgiving, and then the SMT is coming for the weekend. (TH is going to be in a house full of estrogen, hehe!) The next week is going to be *busy*, and I'm thankful for it. Let's get these days moving!
I will confess, I'm nervous about having houseguests during the time in which we'll find out if the cycle works or not. We'll save that for later, though. Whenever I start to think about it, I just tell myself that it will hopefully just be more people to celebrate with. ♥
Lastly, let's talk music. I've been feeling like my life is lacking music lately, so I've been trying to put some on more often. We're not TV-as-background-noise people, so our apartment is usually quiet. For this morning's Saturday bagel and egg breakfast, I tried to put music on (FAIL) but we just had to wait until TH and I could stop bickering to put it on. :) (It's hooked up through the computer to the TV's computer to the speakers, blah, blah, blah. And, oddly, TH seemed to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed. I'm happy to report all is well again.) :)
Anyway, do you have some favorite songs/lyrics that get you through the IF dumps? I heard an old song in a new way yesterday, so I'm inspired. Here's my list:
True Fine Love by Steve Miller Band
- So come on, pretty baby, we're gonna raise a family
- We'll have a boy for you and a girl for me
One Day You Will by Lady Antebellum
- Every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will
You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
- I will stand back up,
You'll know just the moment when I've have enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid, and I dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,
I've been beaten up and bruised,
I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe,
When the darkness tries to get me,
There's a light that just wont let me,
It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll stand back up.
- And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
It's amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you
And it passed me by
God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holding
What I never thought I'd find
I know now, there's a million roads
I had to take
To get me in your arms that way
19 November 2009
Gone Swimming, Take 2
No wedding underwear this time; that was clearly not good luck.
While I try to figure out what to wear, TH is doing his thing. IUI is in about 90 minutes. Send us some good vibes, please.
Please, please, please.
While I try to figure out what to wear, TH is doing his thing. IUI is in about 90 minutes. Send us some good vibes, please.
Please, please, please.
18 November 2009
Venty McVenterson
Fair warning: this is long, venty, and full of insurance talk, ie boring and whiny.
I took today off to give the shot, hang out at home (read: do homework that ended up taking all day) and basically chill out before tomorrow's IUI. Well, since yesterday, work is trying like mad to make me lose my chit.
Remember that whole situation about the insurance telling us we had used almost all of our benefit when in actuality, the only amount that had been applied to the benefit was $250 for our first IUI? I have to admit, I kept my cool AMAZINGLY about that situation. It's nagged a bit at me, but I just ignored it and moved on. What's done is done, and I can't go back and change us canceling the cycle.
Fast-forward to last week. It's open enrollment time, and I know there are two plans that actually cover multiple IVF cycles; all of the other options just give the $5,000 calendar limit. (I am thankful to even have the $5k limit, but obviously I am more grateful to switch to whatever insurance will cover multiple IVF rounds, IF we need them. It's crap that I have to make this decision with technically two cycles still left. We could get screwed and end up with an HMO for no reason, though I guess "no reason" it's really a fair estimate if we're talking pregnancy. But really, do I need more silver lining talk? I think not.)
Anyway, I went to the benefits fair. When I entered, I started speaking to a lovely woman who was I told about our situation and that I needed EXACT coverage information moving forward. She was very apologetic, confessed that her SIL had done IVF, and she understood how problematic the previous situation was and recognized that we needed more definitive information moving forward. None of the insurance people at the fair could give me info (surprise, surprise), so this lovely gal said she would look into details and contact me this week. She also mentioned that because of us canceling the cycle and knowing that there wasn't enough time in the year to start a new cycle with the money we actually did have, she would see what could be done about maybe extending my coverage for next year. She brought this up all on her own, and I was impressed. There were also some mumblings about her knowing about the situation b/c there were some apparent problems with the benefits person I spoke with at my company, and she sits next to said benefits person, so she knew what I had originally been told.
She did contact me, but when she did, it was all vague information. The current carrier informed her that only "procedures" count toward the calendar max. Any ideas what "procedures" might mean in an IVF treatment?! Bloodwork and ultrasounds are not procedures, I do know that from the previous cycle. Retrieval? Anesthesia for retrieval? (That's not technically a procedure...) Transfer? Fertilization? No clue. I emailed back with detailed questions, and the previously lovely gal told me my questions are too detailed so I should contact the carrier directly (um, tried that before, spoke to 4 people, and all I got was a needlessly canceled cycle). She also added this juicy little tidbit:
I would say that most people that I have talked to have hit limits but still have
elected to continue with procedures because typically people do hit the
limit.
This was in direct response to a part of my email where I VERY POLITELY (b/c remember, I have yet to lose my chit on this) said I would be happy to provide any additional information needed regarding this situation and also to speak to anyone higher up, as part of the problem was that my employer's benefit staff does not seem to understand the offered benefits or the treatments. Thus, when the insurance company defers to the benefits office to interpret what they really mean to cover, it's a giant cluster that leads to canceled IVF cycles.
So, to recap, she went from being overly apologetic and extending sympathy to telling me that "most people" just continue on with treatment when they are faced with thousands of dollars in bills for a CHANCE to get pregnant. We're now going to discuss our choices? Um, who the eff are you, benefits girl? We decided to hold off because we'd rather have the money in the bank in case we need it if/when next year's insurance benefits run out, not to mention that I am moving to an HMO with no out of network benefits that will make my therapist become an out of pocket cost. Also, we have a medication LIFETIME limit of $15,000, which will not last if we make it to IVF #3. And my prescription coverage is the same no matter what health insurance carrier I choose, so in the event I stay with my current employer longterm (as is the plan) and we ever need to go through IF treatment again, we're likely to run out of pharmaceutical coverage.
So, benefits girl, would you like to talk again about how what "most people" do? It's funny to me that she knows what most people do, yet when I ask her questions about whether or not the insurance company's definition of ovulation induction means injections alone or includes injections and Clomid, she can't answer and has to refer me to the insurance carrier. And believe me, the insurance carrier doesn't know either. They don't even know that they don't manage my pharmaceuticals.
Can you see how this is a giant cluster?
Oh, and she also told me she can't guarantee a response by Friday, when open enrollment ends. Oh, helpful. How the eff am I supposed to make a decision by Friday if you can't guarantee answers to my questions?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
So, with her lovely little comment, last night, I blew my chit. I've sent an email to the Assistant Vice President of Benefits explaining the situation and telling her that I need to speak with her directly to navigate the benefits as well as discuss benefit girl's comment and the previous handling of our situation. I am the queen of a strongly worded email, and I have to say, I was even courteous and calm in my email to the benefit queen. Benefit queen gets ONE chance. If I get a chitty comment, it's on. Her office needs to step up and do their job; it's their JOB to understand the health insurance benefits! They don't even handle retirement, human resource issues, etc b/c those are separate offices! Hello!
I really don't want to deal with this, but I've let too many things slide with work right now. I had questions about my time off for procedures b/c someone wanted me to take them as vacation rather than sick. I work at a very well-respected medical center, and I'm tired of being on the receiving end of people not understanding infertility treatments to the point that it has now affected me. It's a MEDICAL CENTER. These are MEDICAL TREATMENTS. Why are we so confused people?!
It's on. This girl's comment about what I should have done is my point of no return. Because really, I'd love to have a conversation with someone about things I should and shouldn't have done regarding my vag, my empty womb, and our financial situation.
Asshole.
And with that inordinately long post, I'm letting it go. I will deal with it again when I get the email and set up the talk, and I will deal with making a selection for health care.
The End.
I took today off to give the shot, hang out at home (read: do homework that ended up taking all day) and basically chill out before tomorrow's IUI. Well, since yesterday, work is trying like mad to make me lose my chit.
Remember that whole situation about the insurance telling us we had used almost all of our benefit when in actuality, the only amount that had been applied to the benefit was $250 for our first IUI? I have to admit, I kept my cool AMAZINGLY about that situation. It's nagged a bit at me, but I just ignored it and moved on. What's done is done, and I can't go back and change us canceling the cycle.
Fast-forward to last week. It's open enrollment time, and I know there are two plans that actually cover multiple IVF cycles; all of the other options just give the $5,000 calendar limit. (I am thankful to even have the $5k limit, but obviously I am more grateful to switch to whatever insurance will cover multiple IVF rounds, IF we need them. It's crap that I have to make this decision with technically two cycles still left. We could get screwed and end up with an HMO for no reason, though I guess "no reason" it's really a fair estimate if we're talking pregnancy. But really, do I need more silver lining talk? I think not.)
Anyway, I went to the benefits fair. When I entered, I started speaking to a lovely woman who was I told about our situation and that I needed EXACT coverage information moving forward. She was very apologetic, confessed that her SIL had done IVF, and she understood how problematic the previous situation was and recognized that we needed more definitive information moving forward. None of the insurance people at the fair could give me info (surprise, surprise), so this lovely gal said she would look into details and contact me this week. She also mentioned that because of us canceling the cycle and knowing that there wasn't enough time in the year to start a new cycle with the money we actually did have, she would see what could be done about maybe extending my coverage for next year. She brought this up all on her own, and I was impressed. There were also some mumblings about her knowing about the situation b/c there were some apparent problems with the benefits person I spoke with at my company, and she sits next to said benefits person, so she knew what I had originally been told.
She did contact me, but when she did, it was all vague information. The current carrier informed her that only "procedures" count toward the calendar max. Any ideas what "procedures" might mean in an IVF treatment?! Bloodwork and ultrasounds are not procedures, I do know that from the previous cycle. Retrieval? Anesthesia for retrieval? (That's not technically a procedure...) Transfer? Fertilization? No clue. I emailed back with detailed questions, and the previously lovely gal told me my questions are too detailed so I should contact the carrier directly (um, tried that before, spoke to 4 people, and all I got was a needlessly canceled cycle). She also added this juicy little tidbit:
I would say that most people that I have talked to have hit limits but still have
elected to continue with procedures because typically people do hit the
limit.
This was in direct response to a part of my email where I VERY POLITELY (b/c remember, I have yet to lose my chit on this) said I would be happy to provide any additional information needed regarding this situation and also to speak to anyone higher up, as part of the problem was that my employer's benefit staff does not seem to understand the offered benefits or the treatments. Thus, when the insurance company defers to the benefits office to interpret what they really mean to cover, it's a giant cluster that leads to canceled IVF cycles.
So, to recap, she went from being overly apologetic and extending sympathy to telling me that "most people" just continue on with treatment when they are faced with thousands of dollars in bills for a CHANCE to get pregnant. We're now going to discuss our choices? Um, who the eff are you, benefits girl? We decided to hold off because we'd rather have the money in the bank in case we need it if/when next year's insurance benefits run out, not to mention that I am moving to an HMO with no out of network benefits that will make my therapist become an out of pocket cost. Also, we have a medication LIFETIME limit of $15,000, which will not last if we make it to IVF #3. And my prescription coverage is the same no matter what health insurance carrier I choose, so in the event I stay with my current employer longterm (as is the plan) and we ever need to go through IF treatment again, we're likely to run out of pharmaceutical coverage.
So, benefits girl, would you like to talk again about how what "most people" do? It's funny to me that she knows what most people do, yet when I ask her questions about whether or not the insurance company's definition of ovulation induction means injections alone or includes injections and Clomid, she can't answer and has to refer me to the insurance carrier. And believe me, the insurance carrier doesn't know either. They don't even know that they don't manage my pharmaceuticals.
Can you see how this is a giant cluster?
Oh, and she also told me she can't guarantee a response by Friday, when open enrollment ends. Oh, helpful. How the eff am I supposed to make a decision by Friday if you can't guarantee answers to my questions?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
So, with her lovely little comment, last night, I blew my chit. I've sent an email to the Assistant Vice President of Benefits explaining the situation and telling her that I need to speak with her directly to navigate the benefits as well as discuss benefit girl's comment and the previous handling of our situation. I am the queen of a strongly worded email, and I have to say, I was even courteous and calm in my email to the benefit queen. Benefit queen gets ONE chance. If I get a chitty comment, it's on. Her office needs to step up and do their job; it's their JOB to understand the health insurance benefits! They don't even handle retirement, human resource issues, etc b/c those are separate offices! Hello!
I really don't want to deal with this, but I've let too many things slide with work right now. I had questions about my time off for procedures b/c someone wanted me to take them as vacation rather than sick. I work at a very well-respected medical center, and I'm tired of being on the receiving end of people not understanding infertility treatments to the point that it has now affected me. It's a MEDICAL CENTER. These are MEDICAL TREATMENTS. Why are we so confused people?!
It's on. This girl's comment about what I should have done is my point of no return. Because really, I'd love to have a conversation with someone about things I should and shouldn't have done regarding my vag, my empty womb, and our financial situation.
Asshole.
And with that inordinately long post, I'm letting it go. I will deal with it again when I get the email and set up the talk, and I will deal with making a selection for health care.
The End.
16 November 2009
Failed drumroll
No trigger today, friends!
There's some debate between TH and I about the size of the follicles, but there are definitely two that are being watched. I thought they were 15 and 16, he thinks they are both 15. He thinks there is a 3rd that is 13-14, and I thought the third was a second 15. Clearly we fail at this game.
I had a momentary panic when she told me we wouldn't trigger tonight, but I pulled myself together when we got to the multiple follicles bit. I don't know why, but I feel SO much better knowing we've got a couple in there. Two is definitely better than one, in my opinion! (TH agrees.)
So, trigger Wed morning, IUI Thursday morning. I don't have to go back in for an u/s again, either! Woot! (We have decided that the clinic deems you sucky if you are just having an u/s with no bloodwork, as EVERYbody goes in before you it seems.) I also think I've decided to take Wed off from work. I don't want to deal with having to trigger at work with a monitor here for my trial and then having to rush off to class. I run out the door early on Monday and Wednesdays for class, and I'm inevitably late. The stress cup overfloweth. Bad, bad, bad for a trigger day. Let's just make this easy-peasy.
And, in a nice little sign from above (please), when we came out of the subway to go to the clinic, I saw a truck with our baby name on it. It is not a common name at all, and I've certainly never seen it on a truck before. Also, it was our boy name, and for the past few months, I've been certain that we're having a boy first. I used to want a girl first, but I stopped that nonsense ages ago. I don't care what we have as long as we *have*, but I just really feel like a boy will come to us first.
So, on that note, I have decided that I'm going to talk to our baby. I've tried talking to God. Hell, I've tried begging, praying, and pleading to God to no avail. I've talked to my gramma. SMT's called in a favor. Screw this. I'm going straight to the source.
*Tag* Baby El. You're not even conceived, and already your mama is yappin' in your ear.
PS You can bring a friend, if that sounds like more fun.
There's some debate between TH and I about the size of the follicles, but there are definitely two that are being watched. I thought they were 15 and 16, he thinks they are both 15. He thinks there is a 3rd that is 13-14, and I thought the third was a second 15. Clearly we fail at this game.
I had a momentary panic when she told me we wouldn't trigger tonight, but I pulled myself together when we got to the multiple follicles bit. I don't know why, but I feel SO much better knowing we've got a couple in there. Two is definitely better than one, in my opinion! (TH agrees.)
So, trigger Wed morning, IUI Thursday morning. I don't have to go back in for an u/s again, either! Woot! (We have decided that the clinic deems you sucky if you are just having an u/s with no bloodwork, as EVERYbody goes in before you it seems.) I also think I've decided to take Wed off from work. I don't want to deal with having to trigger at work with a monitor here for my trial and then having to rush off to class. I run out the door early on Monday and Wednesdays for class, and I'm inevitably late. The stress cup overfloweth. Bad, bad, bad for a trigger day. Let's just make this easy-peasy.
And, in a nice little sign from above (please), when we came out of the subway to go to the clinic, I saw a truck with our baby name on it. It is not a common name at all, and I've certainly never seen it on a truck before. Also, it was our boy name, and for the past few months, I've been certain that we're having a boy first. I used to want a girl first, but I stopped that nonsense ages ago. I don't care what we have as long as we *have*, but I just really feel like a boy will come to us first.
So, on that note, I have decided that I'm going to talk to our baby. I've tried talking to God. Hell, I've tried begging, praying, and pleading to God to no avail. I've talked to my gramma. SMT's called in a favor. Screw this. I'm going straight to the source.
*Tag* Baby El. You're not even conceived, and already your mama is yappin' in your ear.
PS You can bring a friend, if that sounds like more fun.
15 November 2009
I Almost Forgot! Sunday!
I started writing a post about my boring schoolwork, but you all were saved when I remembered it's What I Love About Sundays Day!
1. My hair. I'm having a fantastic hair day today, even though I didn't do anything with it and let it dry naturally. Really, I think it's my glasses making me feel cute and thus like my hair. :)
2. Clean sheets! Sunday is always laundry day, and I get through it waiting for the whites to finish so I can slip into fresh sheets at bedtime. *le sigh*
3. Peanut butter M&Ms. Need I say more?
4. Friends from Germany! Coming in 10 days! SMT time, too! Thanksgiving is going to be good this year. :)
5. FIL. He came by to check out the flood we have in the basement, which turned into a giant disaster. (Thank God we're in a condo and not a house today.) I can't find the right word for him, but he's always there when we need him. Dependable? Maybe, but it lacks my fondness for him.
What's yours?
PS Monitoring tomorrow. Can we all hope I have two follicles that are ready for trigger? I'm starting to get the want back in me...
1. My hair. I'm having a fantastic hair day today, even though I didn't do anything with it and let it dry naturally. Really, I think it's my glasses making me feel cute and thus like my hair. :)
2. Clean sheets! Sunday is always laundry day, and I get through it waiting for the whites to finish so I can slip into fresh sheets at bedtime. *le sigh*
3. Peanut butter M&Ms. Need I say more?
4. Friends from Germany! Coming in 10 days! SMT time, too! Thanksgiving is going to be good this year. :)
5. FIL. He came by to check out the flood we have in the basement, which turned into a giant disaster. (Thank God we're in a condo and not a house today.) I can't find the right word for him, but he's always there when we need him. Dependable? Maybe, but it lacks my fondness for him.
What's yours?
PS Monitoring tomorrow. Can we all hope I have two follicles that are ready for trigger? I'm starting to get the want back in me...
13 November 2009
Shutdown
Monitoring this morning. As I predicted, I'm not ready to trigger. (Why do I have to go for monitoring when I can monitor myself? Seriously. I'm right on.) We go back on Monday.
I have 15mm and 13mm follices on my right ovary and a 11mm follicle on my left. I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of excited that there are more than one, though who knows if they will all end up being mature at the time of trigger. Guess we'll find out Monday.
We got a letter from the insurance company on Friday that summed up our infertility benefit usage this year. Remember how we didn't go through IVF this cycle b/c we didn't have any insurance money left? Right. Turns out we've only used $250/$5,000. Nice, eh? We could have done it. Five people interpreted our benefits (4 from insurance and 1 from my HOSPITAL employer), and I was the only one who was interpreting it correctly, based on how they paid. I'm trying not to let this bother me, but it's taking little bites out of my psyche.
This cycle feels weird. It feels weird for TH, too. I don't feel anything. I mean, I felt a few endo twinges, a sore and tender vag when I check for CM, and a few random hormonal meltdowns, but that's it. They are all fleeting. I don't feel the weight of IF this month. In fact, I feel nothing at all. I'm very indifferent. TH says this cycle feels like a vacation, which is not quite what I would call it, but I get it.
I talked about it in therapy yesterday, and I just feel like nothing I do matters in the grand scheme of this. I am going to the doctor and taking the medicine. We're having sex or abstaining when they tell us to. But I can't be bothered to analyze this shit this cycle. Frankly, I'm dreading the Ovidrel shot, as I'm certain that's what did me in with the last IUI. I could jump up and down ten times, run a mile backward, or just sit on the couch reading papers on metformin. Nothing that I do matters. It hasn't mattered yet, so why would it mattered now? Thus, I am choosing to just go through the emotions. It's a weird place to be, and it's not me at all, yet here I am.
What else does IF have left to teach me about myself? I'm pretty teached out over here.
I have 15mm and 13mm follices on my right ovary and a 11mm follicle on my left. I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of excited that there are more than one, though who knows if they will all end up being mature at the time of trigger. Guess we'll find out Monday.
We got a letter from the insurance company on Friday that summed up our infertility benefit usage this year. Remember how we didn't go through IVF this cycle b/c we didn't have any insurance money left? Right. Turns out we've only used $250/$5,000. Nice, eh? We could have done it. Five people interpreted our benefits (4 from insurance and 1 from my HOSPITAL employer), and I was the only one who was interpreting it correctly, based on how they paid. I'm trying not to let this bother me, but it's taking little bites out of my psyche.
This cycle feels weird. It feels weird for TH, too. I don't feel anything. I mean, I felt a few endo twinges, a sore and tender vag when I check for CM, and a few random hormonal meltdowns, but that's it. They are all fleeting. I don't feel the weight of IF this month. In fact, I feel nothing at all. I'm very indifferent. TH says this cycle feels like a vacation, which is not quite what I would call it, but I get it.
I talked about it in therapy yesterday, and I just feel like nothing I do matters in the grand scheme of this. I am going to the doctor and taking the medicine. We're having sex or abstaining when they tell us to. But I can't be bothered to analyze this shit this cycle. Frankly, I'm dreading the Ovidrel shot, as I'm certain that's what did me in with the last IUI. I could jump up and down ten times, run a mile backward, or just sit on the couch reading papers on metformin. Nothing that I do matters. It hasn't mattered yet, so why would it mattered now? Thus, I am choosing to just go through the emotions. It's a weird place to be, and it's not me at all, yet here I am.
What else does IF have left to teach me about myself? I'm pretty teached out over here.
Inspired Ten Things :)
This post by Eileen inspired me this morning. I've got a lot to say, but I don't really want to say it or quite know how to get it out of my head in a way that doesn't make me sound like an IF monster. So, on that note, I'm doing 10 Things About Me You Wouldn't Know By Reading My Blog. :)
1. I am afraid of butterflies.
2. When I was ten, I broke my arm twice in 6 months. I have a lovely 6 inch scar on my forearm from the surgery. I had staples, so it looks like railroad tracks.
3. I love chai tea. But I really only love chai tea lattes from Sbux with no water, skim, and sugar free vanilla. Anything else is too weak. I've kind of taken a break from them, though. At my last job, we used to go to Sbux during stressed out periods (um, that company was going under, so it was a permanent stressed out situation), so I've kind of linked chai to a stress relief situation. But, alas, I had way too many in a years time, so I take it easy on them now.
4. My mom and I lived with my grandparents until I was 8 years old and she married my step-dad. I'm more like my grandparents' fourth daughter than their oldest grandchild.
5. I don't have any full siblings, but the half-siblings I have on my mom's side are my brothers and sister. They are 15, 13, and almost 12. I miss them like crazy, and I love how our relationships are changing now that they are older and have gchat. :)
6. I love to write letters. I have an insane amount of stationery, but I use it weekly when I write to "my lady" or my Great Grandma. I've been writing letters to my Great Grandma since college. It used to be weekly, but I've slacked a bit since I started angeling. Great Grandma is not doing so well, though, so I keep trying to write more often. It's hard, though, because as she is nearing the end, I have a lot to say yet nothing to say at all. Please don't go is not the right thing to say, but it's what I want to say more than anything.
7. I'm obsessed with OPI nail polish. I love it, and it makes me happy. I have more bottles than I would like to admit. (I always have loved painting my nails. I used to change the color every few days in middle school.)
8. I have an uncanny ability for remembering people's birthdays. I remember them even for people who have long ago left my life.
9. I have two middle names. When we got married, I freaked about changing my name, so the resolution was to keep it as a second middle name. I never really get to use my two initials, but I've recently started signing my initials on things rather than my full name.
10. I love DNA. If I were to get another tattoo (which I won't), it would be a double helix on my ass. :) I love that it's concrete and that it's the source of everything. I love how compact it is but how you can isolate it and see it hanging before your eyes. I love it's intricate systems and processes and how it provides the basis for our bodies. It's one of those few things in life that gives me awe.
What's yours?
1. I am afraid of butterflies.
2. When I was ten, I broke my arm twice in 6 months. I have a lovely 6 inch scar on my forearm from the surgery. I had staples, so it looks like railroad tracks.
3. I love chai tea. But I really only love chai tea lattes from Sbux with no water, skim, and sugar free vanilla. Anything else is too weak. I've kind of taken a break from them, though. At my last job, we used to go to Sbux during stressed out periods (um, that company was going under, so it was a permanent stressed out situation), so I've kind of linked chai to a stress relief situation. But, alas, I had way too many in a years time, so I take it easy on them now.
4. My mom and I lived with my grandparents until I was 8 years old and she married my step-dad. I'm more like my grandparents' fourth daughter than their oldest grandchild.
5. I don't have any full siblings, but the half-siblings I have on my mom's side are my brothers and sister. They are 15, 13, and almost 12. I miss them like crazy, and I love how our relationships are changing now that they are older and have gchat. :)
6. I love to write letters. I have an insane amount of stationery, but I use it weekly when I write to "my lady" or my Great Grandma. I've been writing letters to my Great Grandma since college. It used to be weekly, but I've slacked a bit since I started angeling. Great Grandma is not doing so well, though, so I keep trying to write more often. It's hard, though, because as she is nearing the end, I have a lot to say yet nothing to say at all. Please don't go is not the right thing to say, but it's what I want to say more than anything.
7. I'm obsessed with OPI nail polish. I love it, and it makes me happy. I have more bottles than I would like to admit. (I always have loved painting my nails. I used to change the color every few days in middle school.)
8. I have an uncanny ability for remembering people's birthdays. I remember them even for people who have long ago left my life.
9. I have two middle names. When we got married, I freaked about changing my name, so the resolution was to keep it as a second middle name. I never really get to use my two initials, but I've recently started signing my initials on things rather than my full name.
10. I love DNA. If I were to get another tattoo (which I won't), it would be a double helix on my ass. :) I love that it's concrete and that it's the source of everything. I love how compact it is but how you can isolate it and see it hanging before your eyes. I love it's intricate systems and processes and how it provides the basis for our bodies. It's one of those few things in life that gives me awe.
What's yours?
10 November 2009
Happy Birthday to Us!
Two years ago today, TH and I ran around the city like fools in love, waiting to say our I Do's.
Two years ago today, we lit candles for our newly formed family and celebrated with our nearest and dearest. We laughed, we danced, we loved.
Two years doesn't seem like enough time when I think about all that we've been through; it doesn't seem like nearly enough time to learn to love someone more fiercely than I've ever imagined possible.
We start our third year today, and early this morning, we counted all the ways the third year should bring luck, and thus, our long-awaited baby. Multiples of three, ages, third time's a charm, we're looking for our third wheel.
I love you, TH. I love your heavy jeans, your garlic breath, your loud chewing, your fantastic hugs, the sound of your laugh, how loud you yell into the phone when talking to your dad, your socks on the side of the bed, your rough lips, how you can't stop thinking about a problem until you solve it, your Scientific American magazines, your expensive taste in rugs, and how you think vodka fixes any illness. I wouldn't have made it through this year without you, and I love you for your strength.
Here's to a happy and healthy third year that makes all of our dreams come true.
Pupici, Lovey.
09 November 2009
A day late, and a dollar short...
What I Love About Sundays (The Monday Edition)
(Sorry, friends, I've got a nasty cold/flu and posting was not on my mind yesterday.)
1. Chicken soup from MIL. YUM. She heard I was getting worse, so she immediately started running through the food options that she could make for us. Too sweet.
2. TH. Seriously, this man rocks. He does nothing but take care of me, and he does it without complaint.
3. Slurpees. No matter how sick I am, they *always* make me feel better, sore throat or not. In fact, I'm getting another one today on the way home from the doctor. :)
4. Sleeping kitties. I was bundled up on the couch with Smith on my shoulder, the laptop on my tummy, and Jones on my legs. Snug as a bug in a rug!
5. Last day of the 'mid!
What's yours?
Speaking of Clomid, have any of you endo girls taken it? I'm getting twangs of cramps in my endo places (which is not making me happy) every so often. It's nothing crazy, but it makes me nervous that they are going to come full on, though this has not happened yet. I also have to say, I have no side effects. Do you normally get them while you're taking the meds or not until after you stop them? U/s and b/w on Friday the 13th!
(Sorry, friends, I've got a nasty cold/flu and posting was not on my mind yesterday.)
1. Chicken soup from MIL. YUM. She heard I was getting worse, so she immediately started running through the food options that she could make for us. Too sweet.
2. TH. Seriously, this man rocks. He does nothing but take care of me, and he does it without complaint.
3. Slurpees. No matter how sick I am, they *always* make me feel better, sore throat or not. In fact, I'm getting another one today on the way home from the doctor. :)
4. Sleeping kitties. I was bundled up on the couch with Smith on my shoulder, the laptop on my tummy, and Jones on my legs. Snug as a bug in a rug!
5. Last day of the 'mid!
What's yours?
Speaking of Clomid, have any of you endo girls taken it? I'm getting twangs of cramps in my endo places (which is not making me happy) every so often. It's nothing crazy, but it makes me nervous that they are going to come full on, though this has not happened yet. I also have to say, I have no side effects. Do you normally get them while you're taking the meds or not until after you stop them? U/s and b/w on Friday the 13th!
05 November 2009
A woot, Domino!
(That's a homage to the defunct Domino magazine I have been craving lately.)
Look! At! This!
You should have been in my head when I was scrolling through the post. "HEY! That's our apartment! Awwwwwwwesome!"
And, in better news, the rug actually shipped today. Can't wait!
(I know there have been a few requests for pics of our apt updates, but give me a few more weeks to finish up The Cure and I'll do a before and after post, complete with reno pics. You wouldn't even recognize the apartment!)
Look! At! This!
You should have been in my head when I was scrolling through the post. "HEY! That's our apartment! Awwwwwwwesome!"
And, in better news, the rug actually shipped today. Can't wait!
(I know there have been a few requests for pics of our apt updates, but give me a few more weeks to finish up The Cure and I'll do a before and after post, complete with reno pics. You wouldn't even recognize the apartment!)
03 November 2009
Bela and his gymnast
This is a Blackberry pic and TH is sticking out his tongue for some unknown reason, but I still think we are too cute for words.
Best. Costume. Ever.
Summer, how much do you love TH's 'stache? I thought of you as we were fighting to get it to stay on at the beginning of the night. :)
Here's another one with some friends of Ms. SMT. We're a little blurry, but it more of the full shot.
Such a good weekend. *le sigh*
I'm a Drifter
Are you ready? Game on, as of tomorrow.
I'm in a better place, but I'm overcome with doubt. We bypassed this the first time around b/c we didn't think it was going to work. Now, here we are. I know our reasons, I trust our reasons (and judgment), and I just keep trying to remind myself that what we're doing is right. It's just that every once in awhile, the doubt creeps in. The fear follows closely. The anger hovers, looming.
I feel like it was good to have these three weeks of quiet, even if my body was still getting hormones. TH, the RE, and I all think my insides might need some rest.
Really, I just don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to be sad. The only way to make that go away is through TRYING.
Cue the Whitesnake.
I'm in a better place, but I'm overcome with doubt. We bypassed this the first time around b/c we didn't think it was going to work. Now, here we are. I know our reasons, I trust our reasons (and judgment), and I just keep trying to remind myself that what we're doing is right. It's just that every once in awhile, the doubt creeps in. The fear follows closely. The anger hovers, looming.
I feel like it was good to have these three weeks of quiet, even if my body was still getting hormones. TH, the RE, and I all think my insides might need some rest.
Really, I just don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to be sad. The only way to make that go away is through TRYING.
Cue the Whitesnake.
02 November 2009
Back to regularly scheduled programming
I was super nervous to email the RE, but I'm really glad I bit the bullet and did it. (As someone who works in a clinic, I love emailing patients rather than having to call them. It's so much easier!)
I realized yesterday that I wanted to stop my bcp a few days earlier and hopefully avoid a scheduling nightmare with the IUI this month. There's been some work drama lately for a variety of reasons, some of which are stemming from a medical excuse I had for my last call week. It's tough to work with patients when you don't know your own schedule, especially in an on-call situation, and our office frequently covers each other. Because of everything being up in the air and being determined only a few days in advance, I have been a little stressed about the timing of this next IUI (and December's, if we need it, could possibly conflict with finals...no good).
So, last night was my last bcp! Woot!!!! I start the Clomid on Wednesday. I'm getting more nervous about just doing Clomid cycles and not feeling like we have a great chance with it, but at least we are doing something other than taking bcp (UGH!), waiting, or flying solo. I also keep trying to remember that we are keeping our out-of-pocket costs down, which helps in the long run.
Let's get this show on the road!
I realized yesterday that I wanted to stop my bcp a few days earlier and hopefully avoid a scheduling nightmare with the IUI this month. There's been some work drama lately for a variety of reasons, some of which are stemming from a medical excuse I had for my last call week. It's tough to work with patients when you don't know your own schedule, especially in an on-call situation, and our office frequently covers each other. Because of everything being up in the air and being determined only a few days in advance, I have been a little stressed about the timing of this next IUI (and December's, if we need it, could possibly conflict with finals...no good).
So, last night was my last bcp! Woot!!!! I start the Clomid on Wednesday. I'm getting more nervous about just doing Clomid cycles and not feeling like we have a great chance with it, but at least we are doing something other than taking bcp (UGH!), waiting, or flying solo. I also keep trying to remember that we are keeping our out-of-pocket costs down, which helps in the long run.
Let's get this show on the road!
01 November 2009
What I Love About Sundays
Technical difficulties! NOT.
Once upon a time, I used to love a post on a message board I frequent called "What's Great About Today?" And lately, I've been seeing all these fun regular, series-type posts on some of my favorite blogs. Thus, I decided it was time for me to come up with my own.
Sunday has turned into major homework day. Thankfully, That Stupid Class won't be giving any more Stupid Homework that takes 24 solid hours to finish (no joke). I still want to use Sundays for homework days, and I have to get back to writing my Angel Mail letters with more regularity, so why not add a nice recap post about what's great from the previous week? Let's face it: some weeks suck. If I can go in with a happy little reminder of the goodness, it can't hurt, right? So, here we go. Our inaugural What I Love About Sundays post.
1. Our Halloween costume was freaking awesome. When I finally get off this bus, I promise I will do a post of our cuteness.
2. NYC cabs. Boston cabbies are azzhats who won't stop for anything, even when they are EMPTY. Last night made me love my city even more.
3. Bethie. I had a fantastic weekend in Boston, and for a few short days, infertility wasn't at the top of my brain's page.
4. The Turkey Song. TH has a song in Romanian that he sings to turkeys with red beards. I don't know why, but that song makes me SMILE. Big.
5. Our red kitchen cabinets. I'm having one hell of a time finding something to use for curtains in the kitchen, but I'll be damned if I get annoyed at the problems in color choice created by our red cabinets. Those bitches rock.
What's yours?
Once upon a time, I used to love a post on a message board I frequent called "What's Great About Today?" And lately, I've been seeing all these fun regular, series-type posts on some of my favorite blogs. Thus, I decided it was time for me to come up with my own.
Sunday has turned into major homework day. Thankfully, That Stupid Class won't be giving any more Stupid Homework that takes 24 solid hours to finish (no joke). I still want to use Sundays for homework days, and I have to get back to writing my Angel Mail letters with more regularity, so why not add a nice recap post about what's great from the previous week? Let's face it: some weeks suck. If I can go in with a happy little reminder of the goodness, it can't hurt, right? So, here we go. Our inaugural What I Love About Sundays post.
1. Our Halloween costume was freaking awesome. When I finally get off this bus, I promise I will do a post of our cuteness.
2. NYC cabs. Boston cabbies are azzhats who won't stop for anything, even when they are EMPTY. Last night made me love my city even more.
3. Bethie. I had a fantastic weekend in Boston, and for a few short days, infertility wasn't at the top of my brain's page.
4. The Turkey Song. TH has a song in Romanian that he sings to turkeys with red beards. I don't know why, but that song makes me SMILE. Big.
5. Our red kitchen cabinets. I'm having one hell of a time finding something to use for curtains in the kitchen, but I'll be damned if I get annoyed at the problems in color choice created by our red cabinets. Those bitches rock.
What's yours?
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