Sex? Where?

Certainly not here.

I don't know what's going on with me. Yes, I have a therapy appointment to discuss it, but Babel has to come with me, which makes it a little difficult to focus on a conversation about why I'm having difficulties reasserting myself into the land of the sexual beings.

Because I don't feel like one. At all. Is this leftover hormones from BFing? It *is* difficult to picture the b00bies as anything but feeding devices, and they *are* tender at times. But something tells me this isn't what's really going on.

Last night, I told TH my 'gina is broken. He dislikes this immensely, but I feel it's terribly true. Nothing feels the same. I feel pain and nothing at all, all at the same time. I get labor flashbacks when it starts to hurt. Or when I don't feel much, I start thinking it's because I pushed a small human being out of there...and then we're back to labor. Oh, were we attempting to have sex? Sorry, but I was just back in L&D in that moment when Babel was trying to make his way out. Or it could be the moment when I was getting stitched up, inside and out, which is the REAL reason I'm not feeling what I should be right now.

Oh, right. I'm supposed to be enjoying this activity. Instead, my mind has me in a hospital room, thinking about the birth of our baby. And stitches. Inside. Not exactly sexually enticing thoughts.

When we were TTC, I longed to be pregnant for many, many reasons. One purely selfish reason included that our sex life might return to normal. Timed intercourse might go missing! We'd have sex only when we wanted to, for no reason other than pleasure or the smell of TH's cologne! Then, when I was pregnant, I felt like a sexual being for a grand total of 3 weeks...the three weeks leading up to hearing a heartbeat and when we were told not to have sex. Yes, we were the couple debating hotly (and googling) over whether or not we should pretend we were the normal, fertile couple and ignore the stupid RE orders of no sex. Yes, that's the only time I was a hot blooded woman during the pregnancy. For the rest of it, I was dry as the desert. No thank you.

The next time I was eager to jump TH's bones? The first week or two after Babel's arrival. Again, during a no fly zone. (And no, I don't think I want it just because I can't have it. There are some CRAZY things going on with your hormones during those two time periods.) Everything was such a hot mess down there that we didn't even attempt it, but my God, I wanted it.

And now we're back to the desert. I want to want it, really I do. But it hurts. And I can't concentrate on what's happening in the present b/c my mind overpowers all rational thought. Or the baby cries, and my milk comes in, which is about the least sexiest feeling on the planet. But most of all, I just feel so disjointed from it. Removed. A little PTSD? Something to do with the extra weight I'm carrying that has stolen my confidence? My fear of getting pregnant again? (Yeah, I know. We need to talk about that one, but I'm not ready to type it out yet.)

That last one is a stickler, no? Oh, the irony. For almost three years, I wanted nothing more than to be pregnant. Now, I do NOT want to be with child any time soon. Strange feelings, believe me. I'm considering birth control of some sort. Makes you want to stab my eyes out a little, no?

I'm not ready to go down the pregnant path again. I don't want to become obsessed with the single most obsessive question: "Am I pregnant??" I don't want to try. I don't want to succeed without trying right now. I want nothing to change about where we are right now. I *LOVE* life with Babel. I'm not ready to think about another. Thinking about tracking my cycle makes my head spin. I'm dreading the return of my period and wondering about how I'm going to handle it. Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever be able to think about wanting another, especially if it means getting back on the treatment horse. I'm afraid to bring that horse into Babel's little world, to throw off the wonderful balance our little family is maintaining. I feel like I owe it to Babel to give him our undivided attention for awhile, and I feel that in the most simplest sense. Everything we just went through took me to the darkest places, and I don't want to see them again and take moments away from Babel because I'm in those places. I almost want to say that I want to forget where we just came from, but I mean that in the sense of having to remember that we'll likely have to go back. Maybe it's a self-preservation? That if I decide I don't want to have another baby, we don't actually have to go back. But then I get nervous (honestly) that I'll become The Woman Who Got Pregnant Without Trying. I wanted to be that woman for MONTHS. Now, she terrifies me. She will throw me off balance and into a world that was shaky and scary. Right now, my feet are flat on the ground and my head in the fluffy white clouds. Keep the darkness away...and hand over the IUD?

It's ridiculous but true. It's definitely something else that weighs on my mind when I think about the sexy time. What if this is when my period will come back, I'm ovulating and don't know it, and I end up being pregnant? Then I'd have to take a test. Oh, no, no, no. No. No. No. I don't want to go searching for a second line. My skin tingles at the thought.

So then I go to sleep. I can't handle the rest.

Finding my Mom Lane

I went into the city for Book Club last night. Even though I'm loving being at home, I'm positively giddy for a few hours alone to ride the subway, read uninterrupted, talk with some lovely ladies, and eat a meal out. I might even have an alcoholic beverage...wheeee! And when I get home, there's a cuddly baby waiting for me to tell him goodnight. It's win, win, win.

But lately, when I go into the city, I have a new set of feelings to contend with, baby along or not. I feel like a sloppy, frumpy, out of place Mom. I'm still in maternity clothes b/c this weight is going nowhere fast. I have to take Babel in the Ergo b/c our over-priced, hand-me-down stroller is a pain in the ass and completely impractical, so I look like a pack mule carrying him and the diaper bag. The Ergo pulls my shirt up in the back and flashes my stretch marks. (And no, I'm not proud of these stretch marks. I don't see them as hard earned by carrying Babel in my belly. I'm thrilled to have carried Babel, but I am not thrilled about the state of my post-baby body. These don't have to go hand-in-hand in my mind.) I wear Con-verse that slip on without tying with just about every outfit imaginable. Did I mention I still wear maternity clothes? Just checking. Still wearing them, shirts and all.

I see these professional women going about their Rat Race days. They have on grown up clothes, no spit up in sight. They look like adults, and I feel like Frump Mom. We shopped on Madison Ave in the ritzy bits in my Ergo/pack mule/Converse/mat jeans ensemble a few weeks back, and I just felt like I didn't belong. Yes, we have The Status Stroller, but no, I'm not That Mom.

On trips like this, I find myself wondering if I want to go back to work. It sounds fun to have an important job like the one I will get when I'm ready to go back, but when it comes down to it, I'm not ready to give up our first smiles of the morning when Babel decides to open his eyes for the first time (around lunch time). I love days like today where we stay in PJs until the evening, when we're finally all slept out and ready for a walk to somewhere exciting. I thought I'd have a harder time with the loss of my income, but it hasn't really fazed us yet. But those women in suits on their commutes? Sometimes they get me, if only for a moment. Non-stretchy material in their clothing. Heels! Hair washed that morning, not the night before and bedraggled. Bangs that don't need to be pinned back!

But I have smiles. And kissable cheeks. Long walks to nowhere. The occasional yelling match b/c someone has realized that voices have volumes. So, I'm okay...or more than okay. But I do miss normal clothes. And painted fingernails. Just a little.

Don't Look at Me, Please

The little guy didn't really want to play with me today. I've heard that his days/weeks can vary between being vocal or just observing, and today was definitely observational. Well, until Tati came home; then Homeboy decided he wanted to play with that funny man who shows up randomly when it gets dark. He's a roarin' good time.

In our moments of quiet today, Babel and I splashed his feet around in water in the bathroom sink. Do you know how proud of myself I was to come up with that idea and to live in the wetness of it? I'm determined to let Babel get messy as he grows up, and we started today with that splashfest. It makes me eager for the warm weather and impending baby pool that Babel is demanding. Such an opinionated little guy.

Since Babel didn't want to chat, we went to his room to play and look around. Before I knew it, ten minutes had passed in silence. My mind ran away to a place I can't remember, and I cursed it when I came back and realized I hadn't been fully present in that room with him. But somehow, he didn't seem to mind. His eyes, had I been able to see them, were surely ablaze with all the colors and patterns surrounding him. His bookshelf just might have magnets in it, drawing his eyes and swiveling his little bobble head. (He whips it back and forth from side to side when he gets excited and eager to see everything. It makes you want to steal kisses from his cheeks.)

The most exciting parts of our day included silence and water. Life is easy when you go back to basics, eh?

Nothing More

I'm finally going to do it. I'm giving myself 15 minutes before I hop in the shower and while Babel sleeps to get a post out. And, what do you know? All the ideas that brew in my head during quiet showers have dispersed.

I'm staying home full-time now, officially. We had thought this was how it would end up, but I refused to commit to anything until Babel was born and we had a few weeks together at home. I thought I would love it, but I felt as though I could make no assumptions. In the first two months at home, we spent less money/month than we had in our 3 years of marriage. Funny how you don't need much when you are truly happy.

Truly happy. Yep, that's where I am. I love being at home with Babel. I love his little half giggles that he hasn't quite perfected, his rare little boo-boo lip cries that break our hearts, how his face lights up when his Tati comes home. Yes, some days I go a little stir crazy, but we get by. I've found a really good playgroup in our area, so we've been having little adventures since he was about 3 weeks old. It gets us both out of the apartment, takes up some time in the day, and gets us socializing and making new friends. He's just now starting to really be present when we're with all the other kids, and it's very sweet to watch his little eyes (Tati's) take in everything they can get.

He has his Tati's eyes and his mama's mouth. It's like a happy little sigh in my heart to look at them.

My favorite mom friend that I met in baby yoga is going back to work next week, and we are sad, sad ducks. I'm not sure I mentioned her before, but we are doppelgangers. She has the same name, got pregnant from IVF, had similar feelings about birth, also studied genetics, works in a similar field, loves yoga and the owner of the studio we go to, was due the day after me, and ended up having a little boy, too. Babel has a little bestie already, though he seems to prefer lavishing his attention on DoppelgangerMom these days. :) We have very similar ideas about parenting, and it's so very nice to have someone like her. I worry just a teeny bit that her departure from our daily cocoon life will make our days a little longer, but we'll work it out. Babel and I thoroughly enjoy adventures.

Every day is an adventure, a happy one. Babel has such a pleasant disposition, very alert and playful. He makes the days go by so quickly. Everyone said they would, but my God, it's flying. He'll be three months next week, and it makes my heart yearn for time to slow down. It seems that others talk that they miss these days and that's why they have another, but I don't want another to share these days. I will (and do) miss these days with Babel. I find myself already wishing to go back a few days and relive some time with him...not anyone, just him. Maybe this is my protective shield arising, but I'm not so sure. Talk of another child just makes me clam up and want to cuddle Babel in my arms. I'm not ready. (Will I ever be?) I don't want to be ready right now. For once, I am *exactly* where I want to be. We have our little family of three, and I'm not asking for anything more. I have amazing days where my only responsibility is to feed, change a few diapers, and make the baby laugh. I want nothing to change. I have everything I always wanted....and more.