I went into the city for Book Club last night. Even though I'm loving being at home, I'm positively giddy for a few hours alone to ride the subway, read uninterrupted, talk with some lovely ladies, and eat a meal out. I might even have an alcoholic beverage...wheeee! And when I get home, there's a cuddly baby waiting for me to tell him goodnight. It's win, win, win.
But lately, when I go into the city, I have a new set of feelings to contend with, baby along or not. I feel like a sloppy, frumpy, out of place Mom. I'm still in maternity clothes b/c this weight is going nowhere fast. I have to take Babel in the Ergo b/c our over-priced, hand-me-down stroller is a pain in the ass and completely impractical, so I look like a pack mule carrying him and the diaper bag. The Ergo pulls my shirt up in the back and flashes my stretch marks. (And no, I'm not proud of these stretch marks. I don't see them as hard earned by carrying Babel in my belly. I'm thrilled to have carried Babel, but I am not thrilled about the state of my post-baby body. These don't have to go hand-in-hand in my mind.) I wear Con-verse that slip on without tying with just about every outfit imaginable. Did I mention I still wear maternity clothes? Just checking. Still wearing them, shirts and all.
I see these professional women going about their Rat Race days. They have on grown up clothes, no spit up in sight. They look like adults, and I feel like Frump Mom. We shopped on Madison Ave in the ritzy bits in my Ergo/pack mule/Converse/mat jeans ensemble a few weeks back, and I just felt like I didn't belong. Yes, we have The Status Stroller, but no, I'm not That Mom.
On trips like this, I find myself wondering if I want to go back to work. It sounds fun to have an important job like the one I will get when I'm ready to go back, but when it comes down to it, I'm not ready to give up our first smiles of the morning when Babel decides to open his eyes for the first time (around lunch time). I love days like today where we stay in PJs until the evening, when we're finally all slept out and ready for a walk to somewhere exciting. I thought I'd have a harder time with the loss of my income, but it hasn't really fazed us yet. But those women in suits on their commutes? Sometimes they get me, if only for a moment. Non-stretchy material in their clothing. Heels! Hair washed that morning, not the night before and bedraggled. Bangs that don't need to be pinned back!
But I have smiles. And kissable cheeks. Long walks to nowhere. The occasional yelling match b/c someone has realized that voices have volumes. So, I'm okay...or more than okay. But I do miss normal clothes. And painted fingernails. Just a little.
13 April 2011
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I remember feeling this way when I was home on leave with B. It does feel good to get dressed every day and get out of the house.
ReplyDeleteYou are allowed to miss this!
But you know what feels even better? Being with B. I miss him so much every day. I know that I am not stay at home mom material, but being in the stage where he is doing something new every single day and not being there to see it the first time almost breaks me.
So, while I know that you know you are OK and you wouldn't have it any other way - know that babel is going to be forever grateful that he got to have momma there by his side when he was small and you will never, ever regret being able to do so (even if it means looking frumpy for awhile).
I miss real clothes too, a lot a lot. I cam to work in maternity sweatpants and shirt today, because no one else was in the office.
ReplyDeleteI'm still in a lot of my maternity clothes too. .. especially the pants. A lot of my tops are nursing tops, otherwise those would be maternity too. I'm trying to slowly transition back into normal clothes but nothing fits right. So maternity it is!! You definitely aren't alone!
ReplyDeleteI seemed to have gone back to old clothes. I so wish I could write something of the kind you just did.
ReplyDeleteBut I love that you are relishing it. Will you or will you not want to work is something you will be able to answer in due time...for now, make the most of those kissable cheeks.
Take Care.
First of all, I have NEVER felt like I belonged when shopping (even window-shopping) in the fancy parts of Madison and Fifth and such. NEVER. Even when dressed for work, I still felt frumpy for there.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I am still a working girl and I already envy the put-together professional women I see in my building or on my walk to work. Because I'm a frumpy, waddling mess in my maternity clothes and I can't be bothered with hair/makeup/shoes-that-aren't-sneakers.
So my point is, being a working woman is not an immediate solution to the frump problem, because I've felt it and feel it all while still working at an "impressive" job...