Either clear the trigger or start getting darker. We would prefer the latter. It's time.
XOXO,
Mr. and Mrs. TH
29 April 2010
28 April 2010
These Days
They are honestly the worst. I think I would do 10 weeks of shots just to avoid these days where all we do is...wait...guess...speculate...wonder...and wait some more.
I need to stay busy at work to keep my mind occupied, but at the same time, I have the focus of a 2 year old. I have class today, so the day will at least go by faster. But tomorrow and Friday will be tough. It doesn't help that TH is having a hard time, too. Last night when I was peeing to see if trigger was gone (still haven't gotten a negative), he sighed and told me that he hates these days the most. It must be hard for him to watch me with the compulsion to pee, knowing that we both know any answer that stick gives isn't going to be considered good. He never tells me not to take a test, and I think that must be so hard for him. These days are the worst; you just wait.
The symptom game today is in full force. I'm ridiculously bloated, so much so that the Be Band is not even helping. I just don't want *any*thing touching my stomach, but alas, I have to wear pants to work. I'm also still really nauseous. All of this is fine if there is a bab(ies) in there, but if not, these symptoms need to take a hike and quit playin' games. The symptom game also makes concentrating impossible. How can I forget about the "Am I pregnant?" question if all I want to do is barf and sit around in my undies?
*le sigh*
I need to stay busy at work to keep my mind occupied, but at the same time, I have the focus of a 2 year old. I have class today, so the day will at least go by faster. But tomorrow and Friday will be tough. It doesn't help that TH is having a hard time, too. Last night when I was peeing to see if trigger was gone (still haven't gotten a negative), he sighed and told me that he hates these days the most. It must be hard for him to watch me with the compulsion to pee, knowing that we both know any answer that stick gives isn't going to be considered good. He never tells me not to take a test, and I think that must be so hard for him. These days are the worst; you just wait.
The symptom game today is in full force. I'm ridiculously bloated, so much so that the Be Band is not even helping. I just don't want *any*thing touching my stomach, but alas, I have to wear pants to work. I'm also still really nauseous. All of this is fine if there is a bab(ies) in there, but if not, these symptoms need to take a hike and quit playin' games. The symptom game also makes concentrating impossible. How can I forget about the "Am I pregnant?" question if all I want to do is barf and sit around in my undies?
*le sigh*
26 April 2010
This is going to be a loooong week
I've already started googling. Yesterday's vomit is even making TH google, which is very unusual. He doesn't usually indulge my obsessing. It's why we're a good pair.
I got checked for OHSS today just in case, and we're in the clear. I've just been told to keep up my fluids, which I have been, and to take the Zo.fran as needed.
But babies, if you're in there makin' me sick, keep up the good work! :D (I'm sure I'll get sick...haha...of that later, but we'll worry about that when we get there.)
And, to show you just how bored and unable to concentrate I was this morning at work, here's a bit of the horoscope from Saturday, Transfer Day:
Today, Lady Venus enters Gemini, the sign of the twins. This can spice things up quite a bit in our personal lives, as the twins make a hobby of creating mischief. Over the next four weeks, you could notice a side of your loved ones that you haven't experienced before, which in turn brings out a different facet of your own personality.
♥♥♥
I got checked for OHSS today just in case, and we're in the clear. I've just been told to keep up my fluids, which I have been, and to take the Zo.fran as needed.
But babies, if you're in there makin' me sick, keep up the good work! :D (I'm sure I'll get sick...haha...of that later, but we'll worry about that when we get there.)
And, to show you just how bored and unable to concentrate I was this morning at work, here's a bit of the horoscope from Saturday, Transfer Day:
Today, Lady Venus enters Gemini, the sign of the twins. This can spice things up quite a bit in our personal lives, as the twins make a hobby of creating mischief. Over the next four weeks, you could notice a side of your loved ones that you haven't experienced before, which in turn brings out a different facet of your own personality.
♥♥♥
25 April 2010
The Recap
We started out the morning heading into the city for acupuncture. Erika had suggested appts before and after transfer, and I happily agreed. If the transfer was on Thursday, this wouldn't have worked out, so it was one more positive to a Day5 transfer.
TH drove us to the train, but because we were running a few minutes late, he dropped me off to ride the subway immediately with him following after me. As I was about to go through the turnstile, I saw my favorite yoga teacher. I positively lit up. She was headed into the city as well, so we talked for the majority of my ride to acupuncture. I can't describe to you how energized I was after talking with her. TH used to joke that she was my girl crush because I just gush about her. She's one of those people with fabulous positive energy that just makes you feel GOOD. I took seeing her as a great sign for the day.
Right after she got off the train, a happy mariachi band got on the car to play. Tears came to my eyes because their singing was in such sweet harmony, I was coming off the glow of seeing and talking with my old yoga teacher, and now I had a good sign about our upcoming trip. It was win, win, win.
When I got to Erika, I was positively giddy. I couldn't wait to have my treatment and then head off to get our babies. She knew the events of the week, so she was quite glad to see me in such good spirits. And it felt so good to *be* in such good spirits.
After acupuncture#1, TH, who met me there, and I headed to the RE's office. The office was a little behind because the RE of the day had not yet arrived. Luckily, there were only two people ahead of me, so I didn't have to hold the full bladder for too long. (I learned from last time and drank way less!) We were the last transfer of the day, so it was a nice and quiet wait.
The RE came in and told us we still had all 7 embryos, which shocked both of us. He said that the lab was split in how many they thought we should transfer, though. We had two Grade 3 blasts, one BB and one BC, that the RE wanted to transfer. The lab thought we should transfer either 2 or 3, but the RE (not ours) didn't really think transferring a third, based on my age, would make all that much of a difference in the pregnancy rate, though it would significantly increase our triplet rate. (We've been told that because of the septum removal, it's probably never a good idea for me to carry more than two. TH and I also agree that we are not comfortable with triplets.) That being said, I admit to having a last minute freak out about how many to transfer. If we were the last couple of the day, couldn't you have given us this info to digest while we waited?! Hello. But alas, they did not. I asked the RE to step out (did he really think we were going to have this discussion in front of him?), and TH and I made our decision to stick with two. But good God, it was difficult. Given everything that happened this week and then hearing that the blasts were less than perfect, I fully admit to being the one that panicked and wanted to transfer three. TH talked some sense into me (as that was our deal), and we went with two.
The transfer went off without a hitch. I admit to not knowing much about blast grading, so after getting up the courage to read a little today, I'm much less concerned. But I also admit to feeling disappointed, excited, anxious, and terrified before, during, and after the transfer. I did what I could to welcome those babies, and I have been making up for it ever since.
Once we were okay to leave the office, we took a cab back to acupuncture. On the way there, a song we played repeatedly for the baby we lost in December came on the radio. I finally just caved and started crying. Poor TH had no idea why I was suddenly a mess, as he didn't recognize the song. I think after the realm of emotions (and the hormones!), I just needed to let it out! And it came tumbling out in the backseat of a cab, LOL.
When we got to Erika, she had me rest on a bed while she put in the needles for another patient. I was grateful to just have some time to settle myself and be alone. I needed those moments with the babies after everything that had just gone on. I also just needed them for myself.
The treatment was great, and we left feeling much, much better. We walked around a farmer's market for a little bit while waiting for FIL to come pick us up. (Traffic in Manhattan was insane yesterday!) In the meantime, we found the most amazing garlic knots EVAH. I'll have to post a pic when we upload them. Good God, they were awesome.
We headed home, and a few hours later, MIL and FIL came over for a BBQ. It was quite nice because we had fantastic food and I was not able to help in the least bit. :) All I had to do was get a few things out for MIL to make deviled eggs and set the table while TH and FIL grilled everything outside. And, it was a good thing that that was all I did because by 8pm, while everyone else was still eating, I became physically exhausted. I was that kind of tired where you're so exhausted that everything aches yet at the same time, you aren't ready to fall asleep. So, they finished dinner, and I cuddled on the couch under a blanket and two warm kitties.
I woke up this morning pretty bloated, which is a pretty good thing. I had some lunch, and then TH and I decided to head back to bed to cuddle. Well, we didn't cuddle for long because I started to get really nauseous...and then got sick. And again. And again. :( I had just eaten and taken my doxy, but I don't really think that's what did it. I haven't had any nausea with it, and I ate! I put it together with the bloating (though I'm still on the every 2 hour middle of the night peeing schedule) and thought maybe OHSS is taking off again, but I'm not so sure that's it either. I'm bloated as all hell, but I'm not up anything on the scale (thank you!) We go in tomorrow for a progesterone check, so I will just mention it to the monitoring RE then. I've been nauseous on and off today, but nothing like earlier, thankfully. I'm not quite sure what to make of it, but any throwing up in a two week wait is cruel, IMO. I've also had the uterus pain I have been having more and more with each cycle, so there's something going on in there. C'mon Frick and Frat! ;)
So, that's where we are. I've got the babies, and after picking up a free dresser from a coworker today (which, ahem, will be perfect painted white for a nursery, should we need one any time soon....), we're off to prepare for school next week. Beta is next week, and my one final is one week after beta. Not great timing. :( But before that final, I have three papers, a presentation, and two homework assignments to tackle. Awesome.
TH drove us to the train, but because we were running a few minutes late, he dropped me off to ride the subway immediately with him following after me. As I was about to go through the turnstile, I saw my favorite yoga teacher. I positively lit up. She was headed into the city as well, so we talked for the majority of my ride to acupuncture. I can't describe to you how energized I was after talking with her. TH used to joke that she was my girl crush because I just gush about her. She's one of those people with fabulous positive energy that just makes you feel GOOD. I took seeing her as a great sign for the day.
Right after she got off the train, a happy mariachi band got on the car to play. Tears came to my eyes because their singing was in such sweet harmony, I was coming off the glow of seeing and talking with my old yoga teacher, and now I had a good sign about our upcoming trip. It was win, win, win.
When I got to Erika, I was positively giddy. I couldn't wait to have my treatment and then head off to get our babies. She knew the events of the week, so she was quite glad to see me in such good spirits. And it felt so good to *be* in such good spirits.
After acupuncture#1, TH, who met me there, and I headed to the RE's office. The office was a little behind because the RE of the day had not yet arrived. Luckily, there were only two people ahead of me, so I didn't have to hold the full bladder for too long. (I learned from last time and drank way less!) We were the last transfer of the day, so it was a nice and quiet wait.
The RE came in and told us we still had all 7 embryos, which shocked both of us. He said that the lab was split in how many they thought we should transfer, though. We had two Grade 3 blasts, one BB and one BC, that the RE wanted to transfer. The lab thought we should transfer either 2 or 3, but the RE (not ours) didn't really think transferring a third, based on my age, would make all that much of a difference in the pregnancy rate, though it would significantly increase our triplet rate. (We've been told that because of the septum removal, it's probably never a good idea for me to carry more than two. TH and I also agree that we are not comfortable with triplets.) That being said, I admit to having a last minute freak out about how many to transfer. If we were the last couple of the day, couldn't you have given us this info to digest while we waited?! Hello. But alas, they did not. I asked the RE to step out (did he really think we were going to have this discussion in front of him?), and TH and I made our decision to stick with two. But good God, it was difficult. Given everything that happened this week and then hearing that the blasts were less than perfect, I fully admit to being the one that panicked and wanted to transfer three. TH talked some sense into me (as that was our deal), and we went with two.
The transfer went off without a hitch. I admit to not knowing much about blast grading, so after getting up the courage to read a little today, I'm much less concerned. But I also admit to feeling disappointed, excited, anxious, and terrified before, during, and after the transfer. I did what I could to welcome those babies, and I have been making up for it ever since.
Once we were okay to leave the office, we took a cab back to acupuncture. On the way there, a song we played repeatedly for the baby we lost in December came on the radio. I finally just caved and started crying. Poor TH had no idea why I was suddenly a mess, as he didn't recognize the song. I think after the realm of emotions (and the hormones!), I just needed to let it out! And it came tumbling out in the backseat of a cab, LOL.
When we got to Erika, she had me rest on a bed while she put in the needles for another patient. I was grateful to just have some time to settle myself and be alone. I needed those moments with the babies after everything that had just gone on. I also just needed them for myself.
The treatment was great, and we left feeling much, much better. We walked around a farmer's market for a little bit while waiting for FIL to come pick us up. (Traffic in Manhattan was insane yesterday!) In the meantime, we found the most amazing garlic knots EVAH. I'll have to post a pic when we upload them. Good God, they were awesome.
We headed home, and a few hours later, MIL and FIL came over for a BBQ. It was quite nice because we had fantastic food and I was not able to help in the least bit. :) All I had to do was get a few things out for MIL to make deviled eggs and set the table while TH and FIL grilled everything outside. And, it was a good thing that that was all I did because by 8pm, while everyone else was still eating, I became physically exhausted. I was that kind of tired where you're so exhausted that everything aches yet at the same time, you aren't ready to fall asleep. So, they finished dinner, and I cuddled on the couch under a blanket and two warm kitties.
I woke up this morning pretty bloated, which is a pretty good thing. I had some lunch, and then TH and I decided to head back to bed to cuddle. Well, we didn't cuddle for long because I started to get really nauseous...and then got sick. And again. And again. :( I had just eaten and taken my doxy, but I don't really think that's what did it. I haven't had any nausea with it, and I ate! I put it together with the bloating (though I'm still on the every 2 hour middle of the night peeing schedule) and thought maybe OHSS is taking off again, but I'm not so sure that's it either. I'm bloated as all hell, but I'm not up anything on the scale (thank you!) We go in tomorrow for a progesterone check, so I will just mention it to the monitoring RE then. I've been nauseous on and off today, but nothing like earlier, thankfully. I'm not quite sure what to make of it, but any throwing up in a two week wait is cruel, IMO. I've also had the uterus pain I have been having more and more with each cycle, so there's something going on in there. C'mon Frick and Frat! ;)
So, that's where we are. I've got the babies, and after picking up a free dresser from a coworker today (which, ahem, will be perfect painted white for a nursery, should we need one any time soon....), we're off to prepare for school next week. Beta is next week, and my one final is one week after beta. Not great timing. :( But before that final, I have three papers, a presentation, and two homework assignments to tackle. Awesome.
22 April 2010
Pushed to Blast
We got the call today (from the nurse, not the RE, of course. You might remember he told us HE'D call....) that we're pushed to blast. I think we're both in shock. I'm nervous that the RE is being stubborn. TH is worried that he's taking a risk in an effort to make up for the giant mistake. Both of us are nervous they will all arrest before Saturday. What I should be feeling is a huge amount of comfort that we made it to a 5 day transfer, but shoulds and coulds aren't really our friends right now. Our emotions just show you how little trust we have.
I'm waiting for the daily update from the doctor about where things stand with the babies today. Let's hope he doesn't think he's off the hook.
I teeter on my feelings about the 5day transfer. Part of me wants those babies back with me NOW. Part of me feels a tinge of belief that maybe asking for love for our babies is making a difference. Given yesterday's counts, I would never have believed we'd make it to blasts. Here's to me being wrong.
Give our babies strength, please. Think of them as 8 or 9 cells, morulas, then blasts. Think of them happily dividing, waiting to come home. Sing them a song, send them your angels to watch over them (on rotation with mine, of course), tell them we love them and need them. I no longer think my attitude toward a cycle matters, but if there's one thing I think that can actually make a difference, it's the energy we send those babies. They are real and tangible. They can feel energy and love already.
I've turned off comments on the angry posts. Having them trickle in yesterday was a mixed bag; on one hand, I needed the support that this situation was so unbelievable. On the other, I was trying to move on, and each one reminded me of how angry I was. So please understand my reasoning and know that every word was appreciated. I have to move on today. It's very hard, but I think I'm finally ready to let it go for these next few days. I have to be.
1, 2, 4, 6, 7. My birthday and age are mixed up in there. Last cycle, we had TH's birthday, and he felt so burned by them. Please do not let history repeat itself.
And to whomever submitted me to LFCA, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I'm waiting for the daily update from the doctor about where things stand with the babies today. Let's hope he doesn't think he's off the hook.
I teeter on my feelings about the 5day transfer. Part of me wants those babies back with me NOW. Part of me feels a tinge of belief that maybe asking for love for our babies is making a difference. Given yesterday's counts, I would never have believed we'd make it to blasts. Here's to me being wrong.
Give our babies strength, please. Think of them as 8 or 9 cells, morulas, then blasts. Think of them happily dividing, waiting to come home. Sing them a song, send them your angels to watch over them (on rotation with mine, of course), tell them we love them and need them. I no longer think my attitude toward a cycle matters, but if there's one thing I think that can actually make a difference, it's the energy we send those babies. They are real and tangible. They can feel energy and love already.
I've turned off comments on the angry posts. Having them trickle in yesterday was a mixed bag; on one hand, I needed the support that this situation was so unbelievable. On the other, I was trying to move on, and each one reminded me of how angry I was. So please understand my reasoning and know that every word was appreciated. I have to move on today. It's very hard, but I think I'm finally ready to let it go for these next few days. I have to be.
1, 2, 4, 6, 7. My birthday and age are mixed up in there. Last cycle, we had TH's birthday, and he felt so burned by them. Please do not let history repeat itself.
And to whomever submitted me to LFCA, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
21 April 2010
*sigh*
It looks like we're down to 5. Two are only at 2 cells. Three of those good 5 are already fragmented but still under 20%. :(
WHAT is wrong with our babies?!
I suspect we will be going for a Day3 transfer tomorrow.
C'mon, babies. Please. Please, please, please.
WHAT is wrong with our babies?!
I suspect we will be going for a Day3 transfer tomorrow.
C'mon, babies. Please. Please, please, please.
Today's Game Plan
The SMT and I both listened to Train this morning on our commutes without knowing it. She sent me calming vibes, and I sent all of my angels to our babies. Then, I talked to our babies and cheered them on. I've asked all my angels to take turns watching over and nurturing our little Lucky Seven.
We don't have a lot of options. The babies are at the clinic, and I have no choice but to make peace with it right now. They have to follow me for the rest of the cycle, and I'm going to have to go back into that office. So while I'm still very, very angry, I'm trying to tame it as best as I can. The babies need me, and they don't need to be transferred to an angry mama.
The RE has agreed to give us daily updates on the embryos given the hell we just went through and all the other problems we've had prior to this. He also said he would calling us tomorrow about transfer (though he thinks we should make it to Day5), so we'll see if that actually happens.
I will need strength to get through this transfer. It's killing me that our babies are in their hands and there's nothing I can do about it. I have zero trust in this clinic right now, but somehow, somewhere, I have got to give them a little to get through this and get our babies.
God grant me strength.
We don't have a lot of options. The babies are at the clinic, and I have no choice but to make peace with it right now. They have to follow me for the rest of the cycle, and I'm going to have to go back into that office. So while I'm still very, very angry, I'm trying to tame it as best as I can. The babies need me, and they don't need to be transferred to an angry mama.
The RE has agreed to give us daily updates on the embryos given the hell we just went through and all the other problems we've had prior to this. He also said he would calling us tomorrow about transfer (though he thinks we should make it to Day5), so we'll see if that actually happens.
I will need strength to get through this transfer. It's killing me that our babies are in their hands and there's nothing I can do about it. I have zero trust in this clinic right now, but somehow, somewhere, I have got to give them a little to get through this and get our babies.
God grant me strength.
20 April 2010
Oh, God *updated*
Hold me.
They didn't do ICSI. WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T THEY DO ICSI?
We only have 7 fertilized embryos.
I'm sobbing so hard I'm shaking. WHAT THE FUCK.
I'm waiting for the RE to call. TH demanded a call, and I sent an email demanding a call.
_________
He called almost immediately. He has no explanation for why this mistake occurred. Okay...how 'bout you fucking find one, fast? It was part of the plan, and they didn't do it. He apologized but not nearly enough. ICSI was supposed to be our fix.
The seven we have right now supposedly look great, but I honestly don't trust them at all right now. Would he really call and say they don't look good after dropping the lack of ICSI bomb? TH is convinced these 7 are good like the RE says (what other choice do we have than to believe?), but I'm so shaken I can't believe it.
I have to go back in for the transfer, but I don't want to be anywhere near this clinic right now. I'm raging like I have never raged before.
I can't do this anymore. I just can't. Not for someone else to just fuck it all up in an instant.
*************************
Given that I'm up for transfer in a few days, I had to turn the comments off on this post. I appreciate EVERY one of your thoughts, hopes, prayers, expressions of solidarity. Please know that. The fact of the matter is, I'm going in two days to get our babies, and I can't go in angry. I just can't. So I ask that if you're going to leave a comment, please leave out your anger for me. By all means, feel it; I certainly do. But I'm setting it aside for any hope I can find for our babies. I ask that you do the same. Give whatever you have to #s 1, 2, 4, 6, and 7.
And to whomever submitted me to LFCA, I thank you dearly.
They didn't do ICSI. WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T THEY DO ICSI?
We only have 7 fertilized embryos.
I'm sobbing so hard I'm shaking. WHAT THE FUCK.
I'm waiting for the RE to call. TH demanded a call, and I sent an email demanding a call.
_________
He called almost immediately. He has no explanation for why this mistake occurred. Okay...how 'bout you fucking find one, fast? It was part of the plan, and they didn't do it. He apologized but not nearly enough. ICSI was supposed to be our fix.
The seven we have right now supposedly look great, but I honestly don't trust them at all right now. Would he really call and say they don't look good after dropping the lack of ICSI bomb? TH is convinced these 7 are good like the RE says (what other choice do we have than to believe?), but I'm so shaken I can't believe it.
I have to go back in for the transfer, but I don't want to be anywhere near this clinic right now. I'm raging like I have never raged before.
I can't do this anymore. I just can't. Not for someone else to just fuck it all up in an instant.
*************************
Given that I'm up for transfer in a few days, I had to turn the comments off on this post. I appreciate EVERY one of your thoughts, hopes, prayers, expressions of solidarity. Please know that. The fact of the matter is, I'm going in two days to get our babies, and I can't go in angry. I just can't. So I ask that if you're going to leave a comment, please leave out your anger for me. By all means, feel it; I certainly do. But I'm setting it aside for any hope I can find for our babies. I ask that you do the same. Give whatever you have to #s 1, 2, 4, 6, and 7.
And to whomever submitted me to LFCA, I thank you dearly.
19 April 2010
Where's my Easter basket?
20 eggos retrieved! I slept away most of today after taking a Benadr.yl. This retrieval hurt a lot worse than the last one (my butt hurt...seriously, wtf?), so they gave me two doses of Fen.tanyl. Guess who had a mild allergic reaction to it? :( My face started to itch, which is exactly what happens with mor.phine, only the mor.phine reaction is much worse. So, FIL took me home (since TH had to go to work), and I knocked myself out for the day. I feel very well rested, even if I'm pretty sore. :)
I'm off tomorrow to rest, and I will be very glad for TH to call me at home with the fert report. For the times that I have been awake today, I've been trying to think of our little litter over there. (Twenty is a LOT to think about!) So, if you have any spare thoughts, the litter would love to receive them. We just need one, but man, would it be nice to have a lot to freeze!
In other good news, TH got a call from the place he was interviewing, and an offer letter will come early next week. Please let this be a sign of more good things to come!
I'm off tomorrow to rest, and I will be very glad for TH to call me at home with the fert report. For the times that I have been awake today, I've been trying to think of our little litter over there. (Twenty is a LOT to think about!) So, if you have any spare thoughts, the litter would love to receive them. We just need one, but man, would it be nice to have a lot to freeze!
In other good news, TH got a call from the place he was interviewing, and an offer letter will come early next week. Please let this be a sign of more good things to come!
18 April 2010
What I Love About Sundays
Happy Sunday!
Here's the IVF#2 update: I'm hyperstimulated. Surprise, surprise. E2 is 4300 or so. :/ I felt like CRAP yesterday afternoon, and I suspected this was the case. The good news is that today's u/s, we had 20 or 21 eggs! I will take this feeling like crap business if it means we're going to have chit ton of embryos growing and hopefully have some to freeze. Please, please, please!
On to the list...
1. Kitty cuddles. I've been on the computer for the past hours so, and Smith's been curled up under my arm, sleeping. He's adorable...when he's sleeping. ;)
2. Save Me, San Francisco. I am seriously obsessed with this album. And I finally remembered how to play music off of the computer and through the speakers, so I can set it up all by myself. Did I mention I have a techie husband? Something as simple as listening to music can be very, very complicated, no matter how "easy" he makes it for me. Button, what, yo?
3. Twenties. Did I mention we have a bunch of eggs? Maybe I did. Just call me Mother Hen, litterally. (Spelling intended.)
4. My new pillow. I've got neck/back issues from time to time, and I had TH buy me a memory foam pillow that is supposed to give great support to your neck. LOVE. I've been dangerously close to waking up with a kink, and I think this might do the trick. We also bought one of those microwavable bean things to wrap around your neck, per my mom's suggestion for combating headaches. Magical.
5. No work or school tomorrow! There are perks of retrievals. ;)
Take me by the hand, hand,
Take me by the hand pretty mama
Dance with your daddy all night long
Wanna hear some funky dixieland
Pretty mama come and take me by the hand
What's going to keep you dancing into Monday?
Here's the IVF#2 update: I'm hyperstimulated. Surprise, surprise. E2 is 4300 or so. :/ I felt like CRAP yesterday afternoon, and I suspected this was the case. The good news is that today's u/s, we had 20 or 21 eggs! I will take this feeling like crap business if it means we're going to have chit ton of embryos growing and hopefully have some to freeze. Please, please, please!
On to the list...
1. Kitty cuddles. I've been on the computer for the past hours so, and Smith's been curled up under my arm, sleeping. He's adorable...when he's sleeping. ;)
2. Save Me, San Francisco. I am seriously obsessed with this album. And I finally remembered how to play music off of the computer and through the speakers, so I can set it up all by myself. Did I mention I have a techie husband? Something as simple as listening to music can be very, very complicated, no matter how "easy" he makes it for me. Button, what, yo?
3. Twenties. Did I mention we have a bunch of eggs? Maybe I did. Just call me Mother Hen, litterally. (Spelling intended.)
4. My new pillow. I've got neck/back issues from time to time, and I had TH buy me a memory foam pillow that is supposed to give great support to your neck. LOVE. I've been dangerously close to waking up with a kink, and I think this might do the trick. We also bought one of those microwavable bean things to wrap around your neck, per my mom's suggestion for combating headaches. Magical.
5. No work or school tomorrow! There are perks of retrievals. ;)
Take me by the hand, hand,
Take me by the hand pretty mama
Dance with your daddy all night long
Wanna hear some funky dixieland
Pretty mama come and take me by the hand
What's going to keep you dancing into Monday?
17 April 2010
T(r)iggers are wonderful things!
We triggered tonight! Today's RE counted 15 ready to go today, but we might lose one b/c it's 23 already. We shall see on Monday morning!
I ended up feeling like crap today. Shaky hands and legs, nausea, a little woozy. I came home and slept for a few hours, and it helped tremendously. Not sure what that was all about, but I'm certainly glad it's better. Woozy is not my cup of tea!
About a year ago (*le sigh*), my Oldest Little Brother, who was 14 at the time, had a mild little fit that we were hoping to have a baby. No, he wasn't jealous or afraid of losing attention; he's definitely not that type of kid at all. He was not pleased that he would be an uncle and all he'd be able to buy the was...wait for it...socks. Why socks? I have no idea, but he did not want to be an uncle without a job so that he was unable spoil the baby. And apparently socks don't count in the scheme of spoiling.
Well, Oldest Little Brother, has had a paper route for the past few months. Today, I found out that he has a job at a local business. I started laughing when my mom told me. NOW, we can have a baby! OLB's can buy more than socks! What the hell took him so long?!
Seeing that he has TWO jobs, does that mean we get to have TWO babies? ;)
16 April 2010
!!!!!!!
These are the counts:
Left: 5@15, 4@17, 1@19
Right: 6@15, 4@17
C'mon 15s!! You have one more day to catch up, little ones!
My E2 is around 2500, so I am *chugging* water. But I am so effing excited! 75 of Foll.istim and 1 Meno.pur again tonight. 50 Folli tomorrow, and back in for monitoring. I will say that I'm not loving the every day schedule. We'll probably go in for 6 days straight. :/
But I'll shut up and take my 20 eggos! :)
Left: 5@15, 4@17, 1@19
Right: 6@15, 4@17
C'mon 15s!! You have one more day to catch up, little ones!
My E2 is around 2500, so I am *chugging* water. But I am so effing excited! 75 of Foll.istim and 1 Meno.pur again tonight. 50 Folli tomorrow, and back in for monitoring. I will say that I'm not loving the every day schedule. We'll probably go in for 6 days straight. :/
But I'll shut up and take my 20 eggos! :)
(((multiples of 5)))
15-20 eggos! Trigger will probably be tomorrow night, but there are some at 18.
I made it! And, I rocked the egg making this time around! ♥
I made it! And, I rocked the egg making this time around! ♥
15 April 2010
Monitoring
In more ways than one! (I've got a monitor here for one of the trials I work on.)
1 Meno.pur, 50 Folli.stim, and 5 L.upron tonight (to go with the 75 Folli from this AM)
Tomorrow morning, 75 Folli.stim and monitoring.
Guess who is on the daily monitoring schedule now? Fun, fun, fun. :P
It was a different RE again this morning, and he started chatting right as he came in. I half-blurted, half-interrupted him with a frantic, "I don't want to know anything about sizes or counts!!" He laughed (why are they all laughing at me?!) and told me that I didn't need to know any of that because everything looks great. :) That was exactly what I needed to hear after yesterday.
I *almost* caved this morning. TH was off on his 3rd interview with a company (go TH!), so I went solo to the appt. It would have been *so* easy to just give in. But, I fought through. And the "everything looks great" report is enough to keep me going.
When you stim, do you feel your ovaries? Seriously, every step I take, I can feel them vibrate from the impact of my foot on the ground. Not fun!
I'm also coming down with a cold or a sinus infection. I basically feel like crap today, and I have given myself permission to whine. Consider yourself warned. ;)
1 Meno.pur, 50 Folli.stim, and 5 L.upron tonight (to go with the 75 Folli from this AM)
Tomorrow morning, 75 Folli.stim and monitoring.
Guess who is on the daily monitoring schedule now? Fun, fun, fun. :P
It was a different RE again this morning, and he started chatting right as he came in. I half-blurted, half-interrupted him with a frantic, "I don't want to know anything about sizes or counts!!" He laughed (why are they all laughing at me?!) and told me that I didn't need to know any of that because everything looks great. :) That was exactly what I needed to hear after yesterday.
I *almost* caved this morning. TH was off on his 3rd interview with a company (go TH!), so I went solo to the appt. It would have been *so* easy to just give in. But, I fought through. And the "everything looks great" report is enough to keep me going.
When you stim, do you feel your ovaries? Seriously, every step I take, I can feel them vibrate from the impact of my foot on the ground. Not fun!
I'm also coming down with a cold or a sinus infection. I basically feel like crap today, and I have given myself permission to whine. Consider yourself warned. ;)
14 April 2010
I win
Who needs a follicle count and sizes? I predicted a dose reduction, and that is what we got.
From 150 Foll.istim to 75. We skip the Meno.pur tonight. And, we go in for monitoring again tomorrow. E2 is around 1100 (Day 6 of stimming).
I will not google. I will not panic. Everything is under control. I knew there was too much EWCM, and I knew this without knowing anything clinical. Faith in my body, faith in my body...
From 150 Foll.istim to 75. We skip the Meno.pur tonight. And, we go in for monitoring again tomorrow. E2 is around 1100 (Day 6 of stimming).
I will not google. I will not panic. Everything is under control. I knew there was too much EWCM, and I knew this without knowing anything clinical. Faith in my body, faith in my body...
Going well
Well, as well as can be assumed given I am still oblivious to the follie count! :)
Things I know (because TH knows more than me right now):
-I had EWCM yesterday. A little nerve wracking because Day 5 of stims seemed a little early for that, but I kept the worry under control.
-I've got The Bloat today. It seems as though it came late to the party, but here it is!
-The ovaries are tender. Again, today's new development. Good, good, good.
-My dose stayed the same Monday. We'll see what they do today.
-TH has been told that if we were closer to trigger than anticipated, he should tell me so that I can mentally prepare for retrieval. He said we might go a day sooner than last time. (The cycle dates lined up exactly the same with this IVF as with the first one, so we've been guestimating that trigger would be the 17th, Saturday. My dose is higher this time, though, so things seem to be going well if TH thinks we might trigger earlier.)
TH and I had a lovely little conversation in the middle of Manhattan this morning. I was probing him for details, naturally. ("The weather? You're outside! You don't need me to tell you about the weather! Look up!") While this not knowing strategy is working fantastically, I'd be lying if I didn't admit there were times I wanted to just cave and get the goods. What if it's actually going really well and I could be celebrating? I mentally counter that one with, "As far as YOU know, it IS going well. So relax already!" And it helps that TH is the secret keeper, as he's got the championship p-p-p-p-poker face and can deal with my childish prodding, knowing full well that I don't *really* want to know. ♥
The charade ends Friday. Only two more days of bliss. ;)
Things I know (because TH knows more than me right now):
-I had EWCM yesterday. A little nerve wracking because Day 5 of stims seemed a little early for that, but I kept the worry under control.
-I've got The Bloat today. It seems as though it came late to the party, but here it is!
-The ovaries are tender. Again, today's new development. Good, good, good.
-My dose stayed the same Monday. We'll see what they do today.
-TH has been told that if we were closer to trigger than anticipated, he should tell me so that I can mentally prepare for retrieval. He said we might go a day sooner than last time. (The cycle dates lined up exactly the same with this IVF as with the first one, so we've been guestimating that trigger would be the 17th, Saturday. My dose is higher this time, though, so things seem to be going well if TH thinks we might trigger earlier.)
TH and I had a lovely little conversation in the middle of Manhattan this morning. I was probing him for details, naturally. ("The weather? You're outside! You don't need me to tell you about the weather! Look up!") While this not knowing strategy is working fantastically, I'd be lying if I didn't admit there were times I wanted to just cave and get the goods. What if it's actually going really well and I could be celebrating? I mentally counter that one with, "As far as YOU know, it IS going well. So relax already!" And it helps that TH is the secret keeper, as he's got the championship p-p-p-p-poker face and can deal with my childish prodding, knowing full well that I don't *really* want to know. ♥
The charade ends Friday. Only two more days of bliss. ;)
12 April 2010
What I really meant to say
is that I had monitoring this morning. Guess which girl has *no idea* how many follicles she has! No clue! I don't want to know because it will be just one more thing to worry about. And, this is supposed to be a worry-free cycle, as much as possible. (Because believe me, once we hit Fert Report Day, I will more than likely be spastic.)
*doc walks in*
K: Please don't tell me anything about my follicles! (said with a smile)
RE: Nothing?
K: Nope. We're trying a new tactic.
RE: (laughing) Ok. We'll talk about the weather then. I hear the pollen count is very high.
K: (laughing) Maybe! Not so sure. Oh, but wait! You *can* tell me that my lining is looking fantastic. I won't mind hearing that.
RE: Oh, alright. Nothing about ovaries here. I'm just checking out your beautiful lining, which is, in fact, pretty great.
K: (smiling) Excellent!
RE: Okay. All done here. No peeking [at the u/s screen]!
I did cave and ask TH a few times how things looked. His response? "The weather? The weather is GREAT outside!" LOL
And thus, the ovarian secret is safe with TH. He got the call from the nurse (or I'm at least hoping he did because Gcal has not been updated), and I'm not even sure I'm going to ask him about the doses tonight or tomorrow morning. And while I've kind of been ignoring this cycle, I've taken a few minutes to tell my little O's in there to keep up the good work. Whatever they are doing in there is wonderful, I'm sure. ;)
I do think that on Friday, I will get the scoop so I can start to mentally prepare for retrieval. Until then, silence is golden (unless you are ovaries!)
*doc walks in*
K: Please don't tell me anything about my follicles! (said with a smile)
RE: Nothing?
K: Nope. We're trying a new tactic.
RE: (laughing) Ok. We'll talk about the weather then. I hear the pollen count is very high.
K: (laughing) Maybe! Not so sure. Oh, but wait! You *can* tell me that my lining is looking fantastic. I won't mind hearing that.
RE: Oh, alright. Nothing about ovaries here. I'm just checking out your beautiful lining, which is, in fact, pretty great.
K: (smiling) Excellent!
RE: Okay. All done here. No peeking [at the u/s screen]!
I did cave and ask TH a few times how things looked. His response? "The weather? The weather is GREAT outside!" LOL
And thus, the ovarian secret is safe with TH. He got the call from the nurse (or I'm at least hoping he did because Gcal has not been updated), and I'm not even sure I'm going to ask him about the doses tonight or tomorrow morning. And while I've kind of been ignoring this cycle, I've taken a few minutes to tell my little O's in there to keep up the good work. Whatever they are doing in there is wonderful, I'm sure. ;)
I do think that on Friday, I will get the scoop so I can start to mentally prepare for retrieval. Until then, silence is golden (unless you are ovaries!)
I thought it went without saying
but I guess it does not. I don't *actually* believe that's why god made Mexico. Really.
It's a play on a Tim McGraw song of the same title. The theme of the song is that at rough points, people have disappeared to Mexico to get away because it's beautiful. But, if you were offended originally by my statement, I suspect you will be equally as offended by the song. My apologies, as that was not my intent. I actually don't even like the song all that much, but I keep thinking about it when we dream about how wonderful this trip will be. I can't wait to go with TH to Tulum, as that is the most beautiful beach I've ever seen, in pictures or real life. I can't wait to share that moment of discovering it on the other side of the ruins. I had a million different feelings the first time I toured the ruins, but I also don't feel the need to explain myself any further.
I use songs a lot in the blog. The offending comment was written in a recurring post that is the taken from a country song. I also don't really believe in god at the moment, so the irony there is a little thick. And to think that I actually think that the entire purpose of a country is for relaxation...I don't really have words for that.
I'm sorry any of you misunderstood my meaning. Yes, you only have what I post, but it's also my blog, where I don't need to explain myself 100% of the time for all of my readers. My intention was not to offend, so my apologies.
It's a play on a Tim McGraw song of the same title. The theme of the song is that at rough points, people have disappeared to Mexico to get away because it's beautiful. But, if you were offended originally by my statement, I suspect you will be equally as offended by the song. My apologies, as that was not my intent. I actually don't even like the song all that much, but I keep thinking about it when we dream about how wonderful this trip will be. I can't wait to go with TH to Tulum, as that is the most beautiful beach I've ever seen, in pictures or real life. I can't wait to share that moment of discovering it on the other side of the ruins. I had a million different feelings the first time I toured the ruins, but I also don't feel the need to explain myself any further.
I use songs a lot in the blog. The offending comment was written in a recurring post that is the taken from a country song. I also don't really believe in god at the moment, so the irony there is a little thick. And to think that I actually think that the entire purpose of a country is for relaxation...I don't really have words for that.
I'm sorry any of you misunderstood my meaning. Yes, you only have what I post, but it's also my blog, where I don't need to explain myself 100% of the time for all of my readers. My intention was not to offend, so my apologies.
11 April 2010
What I Love About Sundays
Helllllllllllllllllllo! It's been a few days.
Let's cut right to the chase:
1. My Vacation Counter. How much do you love it? TH found it for me and set it all up. Something or other about a google doc needed to support a file? I don't know. All I know is that I have a kick ass counter.
2. Why do I have a kick ass counter? BECAUSE WE'RE GOING ON VACATION!!!! We're going to an all-inclusive in Mexico, and I have coined our trip "That's Why God Made Mexico". :) Booking this trip was the best thing we could have done. I feel so liberated. We leave mid-May. This cycle ends at the beginning of May, and I fully admit to not checking with the RE before booking this trip. I'm SO tired of living by what ifs, maybes, doctor appts and school! We're going on vacation, pregnant or not. And it is FANTASTIC to have something good to look forward to that doesn't hinge on anything else. This cycle works? We're off to Mexico to celebrate. This cycle doesn't work? We're off to Mexico to recuperate! It's win-win, my friends.
3. No homework. After a marathon last week of having to study for that exam, I am so glad to not have any responsibilities today. We had an easy weekend, even though it seems to have gone by too quickly, per usual.
4. Sleep. We were such lazy bones today. We slept until almost noon, and we ended up taking an hour nap in the afternoon. Wonder of all wonders, I'm actually kind of tired right now. I guess I needed some rest this weekend, eh?
5. Homegoods. I freaking love that store. Even if I don't find anything (which was not the case with this trip!), I still love wandering through the aisles. I'm certain this means I'm old (and probably married, too), but I don't care. All those little treasures are too much to handle, especially for the apartment obsessed like me.
So, what's yours? How was your week (end)? What's keeping you from a case of the Mondays tomorrow?
Let's cut right to the chase:
1. My Vacation Counter. How much do you love it? TH found it for me and set it all up. Something or other about a google doc needed to support a file? I don't know. All I know is that I have a kick ass counter.
2. Why do I have a kick ass counter? BECAUSE WE'RE GOING ON VACATION!!!! We're going to an all-inclusive in Mexico, and I have coined our trip "That's Why God Made Mexico". :) Booking this trip was the best thing we could have done. I feel so liberated. We leave mid-May. This cycle ends at the beginning of May, and I fully admit to not checking with the RE before booking this trip. I'm SO tired of living by what ifs, maybes, doctor appts and school! We're going on vacation, pregnant or not. And it is FANTASTIC to have something good to look forward to that doesn't hinge on anything else. This cycle works? We're off to Mexico to celebrate. This cycle doesn't work? We're off to Mexico to recuperate! It's win-win, my friends.
3. No homework. After a marathon last week of having to study for that exam, I am so glad to not have any responsibilities today. We had an easy weekend, even though it seems to have gone by too quickly, per usual.
4. Sleep. We were such lazy bones today. We slept until almost noon, and we ended up taking an hour nap in the afternoon. Wonder of all wonders, I'm actually kind of tired right now. I guess I needed some rest this weekend, eh?
5. Homegoods. I freaking love that store. Even if I don't find anything (which was not the case with this trip!), I still love wandering through the aisles. I'm certain this means I'm old (and probably married, too), but I don't care. All those little treasures are too much to handle, especially for the apartment obsessed like me.
So, what's yours? How was your week (end)? What's keeping you from a case of the Mondays tomorrow?
06 April 2010
On Injecting
I should be studying, but instead, I am finding every reason not to right now.
I don't know if I mentioned it here or not, but I have not wanted to do my own injections this cycle. Somewhere about two weeks ago, I had a few realizations about them and about how I was treating myself with them. Basically, with all the IF blame I was carrying without realizing it, I was rationalizing the shots as my punishment for TH and I having this struggle. Fucked up, I know, but I'm not fully ready to go there on the blog. Let's just leave it at that for now, eh?
Anyway, I didn't want to give myself the shots. I talked to the therapist, SMT, and TH. I thought about it. And finally, I asked TH if he would give them to me. He happily agreed, thrilled to be able to do something. I breathed a sigh of relief; this is one thing I have handed off to TH happily, without regret, and with instant relief. I'm also going to have him receive all the calls for this cycle. For awhile, I worried about what this meant. I finally gave that up. TH likes to do things, and it's hard for me to do these seemingly simple things right now. (But anyone who has done this long enough for the excitement to wear off know these are not simple tasks. Carrying the phone so you don't miss the call. Dreading the Shot Time as the evening progresses.) Not having to worry about them will make this cycle easier for me. Any resistance is only myself getting in the way.
For the first few L.uprons, I laid flat on the bed for TH to give the tummy injection. The first one resulted in a tiny bruise, as TH used his intramuscular shot giving skills instead of his sub-q ones. Shot #2 went better, but I flinched again. But after Shot #3 and my third flinch, I came up with a brilliant idea.
TH now stands behind me with his arms wrapped around me. I swab with the alcohol, gently pinch the skin, and TH gives me the shot. I get the shot with his arms around me; what could be better? No self-punishment, TH feels useful, and we do it together. I don't have to be so strong anymore. See what comes out of that?
I don't know if I mentioned it here or not, but I have not wanted to do my own injections this cycle. Somewhere about two weeks ago, I had a few realizations about them and about how I was treating myself with them. Basically, with all the IF blame I was carrying without realizing it, I was rationalizing the shots as my punishment for TH and I having this struggle. Fucked up, I know, but I'm not fully ready to go there on the blog. Let's just leave it at that for now, eh?
Anyway, I didn't want to give myself the shots. I talked to the therapist, SMT, and TH. I thought about it. And finally, I asked TH if he would give them to me. He happily agreed, thrilled to be able to do something. I breathed a sigh of relief; this is one thing I have handed off to TH happily, without regret, and with instant relief. I'm also going to have him receive all the calls for this cycle. For awhile, I worried about what this meant. I finally gave that up. TH likes to do things, and it's hard for me to do these seemingly simple things right now. (But anyone who has done this long enough for the excitement to wear off know these are not simple tasks. Carrying the phone so you don't miss the call. Dreading the Shot Time as the evening progresses.) Not having to worry about them will make this cycle easier for me. Any resistance is only myself getting in the way.
For the first few L.uprons, I laid flat on the bed for TH to give the tummy injection. The first one resulted in a tiny bruise, as TH used his intramuscular shot giving skills instead of his sub-q ones. Shot #2 went better, but I flinched again. But after Shot #3 and my third flinch, I came up with a brilliant idea.
TH now stands behind me with his arms wrapped around me. I swab with the alcohol, gently pinch the skin, and TH gives me the shot. I get the shot with his arms around me; what could be better? No self-punishment, TH feels useful, and we do it together. I don't have to be so strong anymore. See what comes out of that?
05 April 2010
Just tell me to go
In January (where did the time go?), I set up a consult in April for a different RE. He's the only one at this other practice, which is known to be very good, that takes my insurance. I set this appt up prior to the first IVF, hoping we'd never have to use it. Well, well, well.
I called for the authorization today. I've gathered the records from IVF. He wants films from the HSG, but frankly, that's too much to ask of me at this point. I filled out the forms they emailed this morning when they called to confirm the appointment. I had a minor chitfit at "Patient's Name". How come TH always gets to be listed as the partner? He's the patient now, too. Peanuts, I know, but the thought was there with each time I had to write it. (I also cursed our ridiculously long last name.)
Tell me that going doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean that we're still going to be stuck on this train. It doesn't mean I don't have faith in this IVF, this new plan. It just means it takes a really long time to get a consult with this doctor, so going is just that...going.
We've decided that if this doesn't work, we will be on a break. In my mind, I call it an indefinite break. I need to heal. I can't walk around with this gaping hole and try to pretend like everything is okay, if this doesn't work. I need to walk away from all of it for awhile and let myself heal, let the wound close up a little bit. I can't keep walking around like this, a shadow of myself, depressed and on the verge of tears more days than not. I won't. I'm worth more than that, as I've slowly started to remember these last few weeks. So if I have to table this for awhile (and maybe a long while) to get back to taking care of myself and leaving the self-hate of infertility behind, then we need to do it. TH deserves his wife back, not this shadow of a woman for whom he needs to care for. So you might be able to see why I'm not sure this appt is worth it and why it might feel like I am tying myself in to something I've already turned down.
I never understood how people took breaks before, but now I see. You can't keep this up. It would be a mistake for me to keep us going if this doesn't work. I realize that now, and that's how I know that it's finally right. If this doesn't work, we work on letting it all go for awhile, whatever that means.
I can't thank you all for the support in the past week. As the emails trickle in with the comments, I can't describe the literal support I feel. I will have you all to fall back on, to carry me over the finish line, if and when I need you to. I know you will. You'll hold my hope, when I have no desire to see it, in the strange way that I can easily hold yours when I can't believe in my own. Knowing that makes this a little easier. You know how I feel about this cycle, and no one judged me for doing it anyway. In fact, you understood.
We're at a temporary finish line. I just have to do this cycle. If it works, great. (We'll get to that later.) If it doesn't, we stop. We breathe. Classes will be over, and we will live again. And my heart will start to heal.
I called for the authorization today. I've gathered the records from IVF. He wants films from the HSG, but frankly, that's too much to ask of me at this point. I filled out the forms they emailed this morning when they called to confirm the appointment. I had a minor chitfit at "Patient's Name". How come TH always gets to be listed as the partner? He's the patient now, too. Peanuts, I know, but the thought was there with each time I had to write it. (I also cursed our ridiculously long last name.)
Tell me that going doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean that we're still going to be stuck on this train. It doesn't mean I don't have faith in this IVF, this new plan. It just means it takes a really long time to get a consult with this doctor, so going is just that...going.
We've decided that if this doesn't work, we will be on a break. In my mind, I call it an indefinite break. I need to heal. I can't walk around with this gaping hole and try to pretend like everything is okay, if this doesn't work. I need to walk away from all of it for awhile and let myself heal, let the wound close up a little bit. I can't keep walking around like this, a shadow of myself, depressed and on the verge of tears more days than not. I won't. I'm worth more than that, as I've slowly started to remember these last few weeks. So if I have to table this for awhile (and maybe a long while) to get back to taking care of myself and leaving the self-hate of infertility behind, then we need to do it. TH deserves his wife back, not this shadow of a woman for whom he needs to care for. So you might be able to see why I'm not sure this appt is worth it and why it might feel like I am tying myself in to something I've already turned down.
I never understood how people took breaks before, but now I see. You can't keep this up. It would be a mistake for me to keep us going if this doesn't work. I realize that now, and that's how I know that it's finally right. If this doesn't work, we work on letting it all go for awhile, whatever that means.
I can't thank you all for the support in the past week. As the emails trickle in with the comments, I can't describe the literal support I feel. I will have you all to fall back on, to carry me over the finish line, if and when I need you to. I know you will. You'll hold my hope, when I have no desire to see it, in the strange way that I can easily hold yours when I can't believe in my own. Knowing that makes this a little easier. You know how I feel about this cycle, and no one judged me for doing it anyway. In fact, you understood.
We're at a temporary finish line. I just have to do this cycle. If it works, great. (We'll get to that later.) If it doesn't, we stop. We breathe. Classes will be over, and we will live again. And my heart will start to heal.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
