On Injecting

I should be studying, but instead, I am finding every reason not to right now.

I don't know if I mentioned it here or not, but I have not wanted to do my own injections this cycle. Somewhere about two weeks ago, I had a few realizations about them and about how I was treating myself with them. Basically, with all the IF blame I was carrying without realizing it, I was rationalizing the shots as my punishment for TH and I having this struggle. Fucked up, I know, but I'm not fully ready to go there on the blog. Let's just leave it at that for now, eh?

Anyway, I didn't want to give myself the shots. I talked to the therapist, SMT, and TH. I thought about it. And finally, I asked TH if he would give them to me. He happily agreed, thrilled to be able to do something. I breathed a sigh of relief; this is one thing I have handed off to TH happily, without regret, and with instant relief. I'm also going to have him receive all the calls for this cycle. For awhile, I worried about what this meant. I finally gave that up. TH likes to do things, and it's hard for me to do these seemingly simple things right now. (But anyone who has done this long enough for the excitement to wear off know these are not simple tasks. Carrying the phone so you don't miss the call. Dreading the Shot Time as the evening progresses.) Not having to worry about them will make this cycle easier for me. Any resistance is only myself getting in the way.

For the first few L.uprons, I laid flat on the bed for TH to give the tummy injection. The first one resulted in a tiny bruise, as TH used his intramuscular shot giving skills instead of his sub-q ones. Shot #2 went better, but I flinched again. But after Shot #3 and my third flinch, I came up with a brilliant idea.

TH now stands behind me with his arms wrapped around me. I swab with the alcohol, gently pinch the skin, and TH gives me the shot. I get the shot with his arms around me; what could be better? No self-punishment, TH feels useful, and we do it together. I don't have to be so strong anymore. See what comes out of that?