I've come to realize...

that I'm very, very bored. No good.

I’ve come to realize that my chest-size. . .is better on hormones.

I’ve come to realize that my job. . .is not the job I will be doing for more than a few years.

I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving. . .in NYC, I feel like I'm totally kick ass.

I’ve come to realize that I need. . .TH. I've never needed someone before.

I’ve come that realize that I have lost. . .my innocence. I didn't realize it was what was so beautiful about the early years until it was gone.

I’ve come to realize that I hate it when. . .TH chews loudly. Seriously.

I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk. . .and experiencing IF, I'm not always a happy drunk.

I’ve come to realize that money...comes in cycles. You never really hit rock bottom.

I’ve come to realize that certain people. . .will never understand.

I’ve come to realize that I’ll always. . .want more.

I’ve come to realize that my sibling(s). . .and I are getting closer as they get older. It's great.

I’ve come to realize that my mom…tries in her own way.

I’ve come to realize that my cell phone. . .is way too close by.

I’ve come to realize that when I wake up in the morning. . .I usually want more sleep.

I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep. . .I fidgeted. This is my new habit for when I'm anxious or overtired.

I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking. . .that the clockhands just need to move a little bit faster.

I’ve come to realize that my dad. . .wasn't all that I thought he was.

I’ve come to realize that today. . .will never happen again.

I’ve come to realize that tonight. . .is the start of all the fun this week!

I’ve come to realize that tomorrow. . .is one day closer to our dreams.

I’ve come to realize that I really want to. . .be pregnant. Duh.

I’ve come to realize that the person mostly likely to repost this is. . .not going to be named by me.

I’ve come to realize that life. . .is what you make of it.

I’ve come to realize that my friends. . .understand more than I ever thought they could.

I’ve come to realize that this year. . .is almost over. We've almost made it.

I’ve come to realize that my exes. . .never could have gotten me through this like TH has.

I’ve come to realize that maybe I should. . .find more Me Time. It's definitely been lacking lately.

I’ve come to realize that I love. . .our marriage.

I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand. . .why this is happening to us. I never will.

I’ve come to realize my past. . .remains in the past. No regrets.

I’ve come to realize that parties. . .in our apartment make me happy...until I'm ready to go to sleep and we still have guests. :)

I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified. . .that our baby isn't at the end of this journey.

I’ve come to realize that my life. . .

5dpiui: Ho Hum

I swear, you turn a corner at 5dpiui. Anything less than that and the wait feels like F-O-R-E-V-E-R, and not in the "I ♥ U 4E" kind of way.

The only news I've got over here is that I'm tired, really effing tired. I've been running around and doing a bunch of homework and guest preparations in the last three days and I think it's catching up to me (or maybe it's something else...). I felt awful b/c I definitely fell asleep in class at 7pm last night. I could have definitely just laid my head down on the desk and conked (konked?) out.

I've had a few mild headaches, which could also be from lack of sleep and exhaustion. I've still got a lot of CM, and I'm bloated. The b00bs are still a little bigger but nothing crazy. Everything is mild; nothing all that remarkable. I POAS this morning, and the line was much fainter than Sunday's, especially given that I used FMU this morning and peed late on Sunday evening. It's slowly workin' its way out...

I'm bored today at work (and lazy), so the day is dragging. The fun is about to start, but I just have to make it through tonight around 8-8:30pm when I finish meeting with my group and doing a trial of next week's presentation. The end of the semester is definitely catching up with me, so the frenzy is definitely starting. I'm ready for a little break and some fun with the girls this weekend. Can't. Wait. And, it helps to know that the fun days will fly by, and thus, we'll be right up on the days that really matter.

And, randomly, I will confess that I looked at round crib sheets online today. I never, ever look at baby stuff, online or otherwise. I only lasted for about 3 minutes because I hated all the patterns I saw, but it was a first of sorts. I've allowed myself to dream this cycle. The dreams lie deep within, obviously, or we wouldn't be in this mess, but I haven't been letting them come up for a while. Maybe it will help. If it doesn't work, it's going to hurt regardless of whether I dream or don't. Might as well live in the dreams for a few more days.

Today was boring. Sorry friends. :(

What I Love About Sundays: Late Edition

Sunday = homework. Let me tell you, group work blows. I work; I know how to work with people. Making three people, unknown to each other until assigned to the group, work together and coordinate full-time vs part-time student schedules is sucktastic. That being said:

1. My group is awesome. We worked well together, and we got a LOT accomplished today. It was nice to think with other people and hear them fill in my gaps and vice versa.

2. TH is rockin' the house-husband thang right now. We've reached crunch time for home preparations for guests and Thanksgiving, and since I was at school, he was flying solo. He only had to call me twice during grocery shopping, and there were a LOT of baking goods on there. Awesome.

3. Friends. I can't effing wait for Wed when the Germans arrive and Fri when SMT joins the party.

4. Homework. I feel so freaking accomplished each Sunday night. I've used my brain. I've tackled things on my ever-lingering To Do List. I'm surviving grad school (thriving?) and IF and a new apartment and our marriage and work. I rock. Yep. True.

5. Mama D. She's the NP that I work with regularly, and she just makes me happy. She sent me a long email at 3am last night (because she's also in frantic school-induced homework hell) to teach me about some liver disease questions I had that pertained to my presentation next week. She's funny, quirky, and kind. And, she calls me "dear". Who can't love a woman like that, even if she does occasionally remind me of Dr. Dixon on Grey's?

What are your saving graces that will lead you into Monday morning slightly less scathed?

PS I swear nothing is going on over here. No sore boobs or anything. I do have a TON of CM, so much that I wondered if I have a yeast infection, though I don't have any other symptoms. I'm keeping an eye on it. I am pretty bloated, but it's not nearly as bad as the last IUI cycle. I had some endo cramps start up this evening on the bus ride home from school (dislike, the cramps AND the bus ride), but curling up in a ball, resting for 30 minutes and Tylenol did the trick. Miraculous, I know. 3dpiui, 4dptrigger. I POAS, and the line is not nearly as dark as I thought it would be. I'll pee again on Tues to check progress.

PPS I have a cute TH story that you might get to hear tomorrow...if you're lucky. Or, really, if I'm not psychotic between work and class.

Afternoon, ICLWers!

I am 2dpiui. Everything went fine with the IUI. I had less pain during the procedure, but I feel like I had more pain after and yesterday. I was having some OHSS symptoms again, but I've been chugging water and Gatorade, and it seems to be better this morning. Granted it usually gets worse as the day goes on, but I'm going to stay optimistic. :)

This weekend is full of cleaning and homework. We have friends from Germany coming in on Wednesday for 10 days, we're hosting Thanksgiving, and then the SMT is coming for the weekend. (TH is going to be in a house full of estrogen, hehe!) The next week is going to be *busy*, and I'm thankful for it. Let's get these days moving!

I will confess, I'm nervous about having houseguests during the time in which we'll find out if the cycle works or not. We'll save that for later, though. Whenever I start to think about it, I just tell myself that it will hopefully just be more people to celebrate with. ♥

Lastly, let's talk music. I've been feeling like my life is lacking music lately, so I've been trying to put some on more often. We're not TV-as-background-noise people, so our apartment is usually quiet. For this morning's Saturday bagel and egg breakfast, I tried to put music on (FAIL) but we just had to wait until TH and I could stop bickering to put it on. :) (It's hooked up through the computer to the TV's computer to the speakers, blah, blah, blah. And, oddly, TH seemed to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed. I'm happy to report all is well again.) :)

Anyway, do you have some favorite songs/lyrics that get you through the IF dumps? I heard an old song in a new way yesterday, so I'm inspired. Here's my list:

True Fine Love by Steve Miller Band

• So come on, pretty baby, we're gonna raise a family
• We'll have a boy for you and a girl for me
  

One Day You Will by Lady Antebellum

• Every heartache makes you stronger
  But it won't be much longer
  You'll find love, you'll find peace
  And the you you're meant to be
  I know right now that's not the way you feel
  But one day you will
  
  You wake up every morning and ask yourself
  What am I doing here anyway
  With the weight of all those disappointments
  Whispering in your ear
  You're just barely hanging by a thread

Stand Back Up by Sugarland

• I will stand back up,
  You'll know just the moment when I've have enough,
  Sometimes I'm afraid, and I dont feel that tough,
  But I'll stand back up,
  
  I've been beaten up and bruised,
  I've been kicked right off my shoes,
  Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe,
  When the darkness tries to get me,
  There's a light that just wont let me,
  It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes,
  But I'll stand back up.

Here by Rascal Flatts

• And I wouldn't change a thing
  I'd walk right back through the rain
  Back to every broken heart
  On the day that it was breakin'
  And I'd relive all the years
  And be thankful for the tears
  I've cried with every stumbled step
  That led to you and got me here, right here
  
  It's amazing what I let my heart go through
  To get me where it got me
  In this moment here with you
  And it passed me by
  God knows how many times
  I was so caught up in holding
  What I never thought I'd find
  I know now, there's a million roads
  I had to take
  To get me in your arms that way

What are yours? I know you've got some that get you through. ♥

Gone Swimming, Take 2

No wedding underwear this time; that was clearly not good luck.

While I try to figure out what to wear, TH is doing his thing. IUI is in about 90 minutes. Send us some good vibes, please.

Please, please, please.

Venty McVenterson

Fair warning: this is long, venty, and full of insurance talk, ie boring and whiny.

I took today off to give the shot, hang out at home (read: do homework that ended up taking all day) and basically chill out before tomorrow's IUI. Well, since yesterday, work is trying like mad to make me lose my chit.

Remember that whole situation about the insurance telling us we had used almost all of our benefit when in actuality, the only amount that had been applied to the benefit was $250 for our first IUI? I have to admit, I kept my cool AMAZINGLY about that situation. It's nagged a bit at me, but I just ignored it and moved on. What's done is done, and I can't go back and change us canceling the cycle.

Fast-forward to last week. It's open enrollment time, and I know there are two plans that actually cover multiple IVF cycles; all of the other options just give the $5,000 calendar limit. (I am thankful to even have the $5k limit, but obviously I am more grateful to switch to whatever insurance will cover multiple IVF rounds, IF we need them. It's crap that I have to make this decision with technically two cycles still left. We could get screwed and end up with an HMO for no reason, though I guess "no reason" it's really a fair estimate if we're talking pregnancy. But really, do I need more silver lining talk? I think not.)

Anyway, I went to the benefits fair. When I entered, I started speaking to a lovely woman who was I told about our situation and that I needed EXACT coverage information moving forward. She was very apologetic, confessed that her SIL had done IVF, and she understood how problematic the previous situation was and recognized that we needed more definitive information moving forward. None of the insurance people at the fair could give me info (surprise, surprise), so this lovely gal said she would look into details and contact me this week. She also mentioned that because of us canceling the cycle and knowing that there wasn't enough time in the year to start a new cycle with the money we actually did have, she would see what could be done about maybe extending my coverage for next year. She brought this up all on her own, and I was impressed. There were also some mumblings about her knowing about the situation b/c there were some apparent problems with the benefits person I spoke with at my company, and she sits next to said benefits person, so she knew what I had originally been told.

She did contact me, but when she did, it was all vague information. The current carrier informed her that only "procedures" count toward the calendar max. Any ideas what "procedures" might mean in an IVF treatment?! Bloodwork and ultrasounds are not procedures, I do know that from the previous cycle. Retrieval? Anesthesia for retrieval? (That's not technically a procedure...) Transfer? Fertilization? No clue. I emailed back with detailed questions, and the previously lovely gal told me my questions are too detailed so I should contact the carrier directly (um, tried that before, spoke to 4 people, and all I got was a needlessly canceled cycle). She also added this juicy little tidbit:

I would say that most people that I have talked to have hit limits but still have
elected to continue with procedures because typically people do hit the
limit.

This was in direct response to a part of my email where I VERY POLITELY (b/c remember, I have yet to lose my chit on this) said I would be happy to provide any additional information needed regarding this situation and also to speak to anyone higher up, as part of the problem was that my employer's benefit staff does not seem to understand the offered benefits or the treatments. Thus, when the insurance company defers to the benefits office to interpret what they really mean to cover, it's a giant cluster that leads to canceled IVF cycles.

So, to recap, she went from being overly apologetic and extending sympathy to telling me that "most people" just continue on with treatment when they are faced with thousands of dollars in bills for a CHANCE to get pregnant. We're now going to discuss our choices? Um, who the eff are you, benefits girl? We decided to hold off because we'd rather have the money in the bank in case we need it if/when next year's insurance benefits run out, not to mention that I am moving to an HMO with no out of network benefits that will make my therapist become an out of pocket cost. Also, we have a medication LIFETIME limit of $15,000, which will not last if we make it to IVF #3. And my prescription coverage is the same no matter what health insurance carrier I choose, so in the event I stay with my current employer longterm (as is the plan) and we ever need to go through IF treatment again, we're likely to run out of pharmaceutical coverage.

So, benefits girl, would you like to talk again about how what "most people" do? It's funny to me that she knows what most people do, yet when I ask her questions about whether or not the insurance company's definition of ovulation induction means injections alone or includes injections and Clomid, she can't answer and has to refer me to the insurance carrier. And believe me, the insurance carrier doesn't know either. They don't even know that they don't manage my pharmaceuticals.

Can you see how this is a giant cluster?

Oh, and she also told me she can't guarantee a response by Friday, when open enrollment ends. Oh, helpful. How the eff am I supposed to make a decision by Friday if you can't guarantee answers to my questions?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

So, with her lovely little comment, last night, I blew my chit. I've sent an email to the Assistant Vice President of Benefits explaining the situation and telling her that I need to speak with her directly to navigate the benefits as well as discuss benefit girl's comment and the previous handling of our situation. I am the queen of a strongly worded email, and I have to say, I was even courteous and calm in my email to the benefit queen. Benefit queen gets ONE chance. If I get a chitty comment, it's on. Her office needs to step up and do their job; it's their JOB to understand the health insurance benefits! They don't even handle retirement, human resource issues, etc b/c those are separate offices! Hello!

I really don't want to deal with this, but I've let too many things slide with work right now. I had questions about my time off for procedures b/c someone wanted me to take them as vacation rather than sick. I work at a very well-respected medical center, and I'm tired of being on the receiving end of people not understanding infertility treatments to the point that it has now affected me. It's a MEDICAL CENTER. These are MEDICAL TREATMENTS. Why are we so confused people?!

It's on. This girl's comment about what I should have done is my point of no return. Because really, I'd love to have a conversation with someone about things I should and shouldn't have done regarding my vag, my empty womb, and our financial situation.

Asshole.

And with that inordinately long post, I'm letting it go. I will deal with it again when I get the email and set up the talk, and I will deal with making a selection for health care.

The End.

Failed drumroll

No trigger today, friends!

There's some debate between TH and I about the size of the follicles, but there are definitely two that are being watched. I thought they were 15 and 16, he thinks they are both 15. He thinks there is a 3rd that is 13-14, and I thought the third was a second 15. Clearly we fail at this game.

I had a momentary panic when she told me we wouldn't trigger tonight, but I pulled myself together when we got to the multiple follicles bit. I don't know why, but I feel SO much better knowing we've got a couple in there. Two is definitely better than one, in my opinion! (TH agrees.)

So, trigger Wed morning, IUI Thursday morning. I don't have to go back in for an u/s again, either! Woot! (We have decided that the clinic deems you sucky if you are just having an u/s with no bloodwork, as EVERYbody goes in before you it seems.) I also think I've decided to take Wed off from work. I don't want to deal with having to trigger at work with a monitor here for my trial and then having to rush off to class. I run out the door early on Monday and Wednesdays for class, and I'm inevitably late. The stress cup overfloweth. Bad, bad, bad for a trigger day. Let's just make this easy-peasy.

And, in a nice little sign from above (please), when we came out of the subway to go to the clinic, I saw a truck with our baby name on it. It is not a common name at all, and I've certainly never seen it on a truck before. Also, it was our boy name, and for the past few months, I've been certain that we're having a boy first. I used to want a girl first, but I stopped that nonsense ages ago. I don't care what we have as long as we *have*, but I just really feel like a boy will come to us first.

So, on that note, I have decided that I'm going to talk to our baby. I've tried talking to God. Hell, I've tried begging, praying, and pleading to God to no avail. I've talked to my gramma. SMT's called in a favor. Screw this. I'm going straight to the source.

*Tag* Baby El. You're not even conceived, and already your mama is yappin' in your ear.

PS You can bring a friend, if that sounds like more fun.