Sex? Where?

Certainly not here.

I don't know what's going on with me. Yes, I have a therapy appointment to discuss it, but Babel has to come with me, which makes it a little difficult to focus on a conversation about why I'm having difficulties reasserting myself into the land of the sexual beings.

Because I don't feel like one. At all. Is this leftover hormones from BFing? It *is* difficult to picture the b00bies as anything but feeding devices, and they *are* tender at times. But something tells me this isn't what's really going on.

Last night, I told TH my 'gina is broken. He dislikes this immensely, but I feel it's terribly true. Nothing feels the same. I feel pain and nothing at all, all at the same time. I get labor flashbacks when it starts to hurt. Or when I don't feel much, I start thinking it's because I pushed a small human being out of there...and then we're back to labor. Oh, were we attempting to have sex? Sorry, but I was just back in L&D in that moment when Babel was trying to make his way out. Or it could be the moment when I was getting stitched up, inside and out, which is the REAL reason I'm not feeling what I should be right now.

Oh, right. I'm supposed to be enjoying this activity. Instead, my mind has me in a hospital room, thinking about the birth of our baby. And stitches. Inside. Not exactly sexually enticing thoughts.

When we were TTC, I longed to be pregnant for many, many reasons. One purely selfish reason included that our sex life might return to normal. Timed intercourse might go missing! We'd have sex only when we wanted to, for no reason other than pleasure or the smell of TH's cologne! Then, when I was pregnant, I felt like a sexual being for a grand total of 3 weeks...the three weeks leading up to hearing a heartbeat and when we were told not to have sex. Yes, we were the couple debating hotly (and googling) over whether or not we should pretend we were the normal, fertile couple and ignore the stupid RE orders of no sex. Yes, that's the only time I was a hot blooded woman during the pregnancy. For the rest of it, I was dry as the desert. No thank you.

The next time I was eager to jump TH's bones? The first week or two after Babel's arrival. Again, during a no fly zone. (And no, I don't think I want it just because I can't have it. There are some CRAZY things going on with your hormones during those two time periods.) Everything was such a hot mess down there that we didn't even attempt it, but my God, I wanted it.

And now we're back to the desert. I want to want it, really I do. But it hurts. And I can't concentrate on what's happening in the present b/c my mind overpowers all rational thought. Or the baby cries, and my milk comes in, which is about the least sexiest feeling on the planet. But most of all, I just feel so disjointed from it. Removed. A little PTSD? Something to do with the extra weight I'm carrying that has stolen my confidence? My fear of getting pregnant again? (Yeah, I know. We need to talk about that one, but I'm not ready to type it out yet.)

That last one is a stickler, no? Oh, the irony. For almost three years, I wanted nothing more than to be pregnant. Now, I do NOT want to be with child any time soon. Strange feelings, believe me. I'm considering birth control of some sort. Makes you want to stab my eyes out a little, no?

I'm not ready to go down the pregnant path again. I don't want to become obsessed with the single most obsessive question: "Am I pregnant??" I don't want to try. I don't want to succeed without trying right now. I want nothing to change about where we are right now. I *LOVE* life with Babel. I'm not ready to think about another. Thinking about tracking my cycle makes my head spin. I'm dreading the return of my period and wondering about how I'm going to handle it. Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever be able to think about wanting another, especially if it means getting back on the treatment horse. I'm afraid to bring that horse into Babel's little world, to throw off the wonderful balance our little family is maintaining. I feel like I owe it to Babel to give him our undivided attention for awhile, and I feel that in the most simplest sense. Everything we just went through took me to the darkest places, and I don't want to see them again and take moments away from Babel because I'm in those places. I almost want to say that I want to forget where we just came from, but I mean that in the sense of having to remember that we'll likely have to go back. Maybe it's a self-preservation? That if I decide I don't want to have another baby, we don't actually have to go back. But then I get nervous (honestly) that I'll become The Woman Who Got Pregnant Without Trying. I wanted to be that woman for MONTHS. Now, she terrifies me. She will throw me off balance and into a world that was shaky and scary. Right now, my feet are flat on the ground and my head in the fluffy white clouds. Keep the darkness away...and hand over the IUD?

It's ridiculous but true. It's definitely something else that weighs on my mind when I think about the sexy time. What if this is when my period will come back, I'm ovulating and don't know it, and I end up being pregnant? Then I'd have to take a test. Oh, no, no, no. No. No. No. I don't want to go searching for a second line. My skin tingles at the thought.

So then I go to sleep. I can't handle the rest.