Drumroll or Firing Squad?

Tons of EWCM yesterday, a BD, and now a very positive OPK, soon to be confirmed with a digital.

Here we go again.

We neeeeed a Break!

((((Dirty Dancing))))

I took a vacation day today, and It Was Fabulous. I ran. I went to Target. I had dessert with Lama. All is well in my little world.

I feel like I'm starting to become myself again. I think the acceptance to Columbia (!!!) and starting to work out again are making me feel more human and less like a little pile of tears. I think the apartment is helping, too. Now that we're less frantic to complete projects, it feels like Home. I wonder how long it will take for me to stop mentally shrieking, "We live here!"

Do I really need to stop feeling awe for the apartment? Nah......perhaps it should stick around for a while. And so should this renewed feeling of strength.

Anxieties

After scary amounts of blood Thursday and Friday and the bleeding still going strong yesterday, it seems to have completely stopped today. No spotting or anything. I'm going to go for a run, so that might change things. I have no idea wtf is going on with my body. And, I'm honestly a little stressed that that was my period. I'm scared to start trying again. Scared it will work, scared it won't, scared that it will and then I'll lose the baby again. I'm afraid to feel pregnant again. It's a weird place to be. And grad school puts an interesting twist on things. If I were to get pregnant this month, I'd be due in March. Middle of the semester. Would I have to take the whole spring off? If I get pregnant in Sept, all would be okay for the first year of grad school. At this point, it seems a little bold to not try for the next few months and wait until September. I can't find the right word for it. Having been at this a year and then taking a few months b/c the timing isn't great seems a little.....God, what is the word? It seems a little over confident, when there's clearly no reason to be. It seems a bit like biting a gift horse in the hand. Bold? Blase? I've been thinking about this for a few weeks now, to no avail. On the flip side, I'm tempted to wait until Sept b/c I kind of wonder if the Universe is going to make the timing perfect for me so that I don't have to miss a semester. (There has to be a reason why we've been struggling with this for so long. I go back and forth with trying to make amends with the fact that it's not meant to be yet giving it my all b/c I can't understand why now wouldn't be as good of a time as any.) At the same time, I told the Universe this morning just to go ahead and give us the grad school problem to solve with having a baby. I know TH and I will work it out. Part of the idea of waiting until Sept is to protect myself from the hurt of the next few months not being "it". If the Universe wants to make everything work out perfectly (that's why we've been waiting for the apt, the greencard, grad school, etc), then why put myself through a few more months of no's when I'm already in a pretty fragile state?

There it is. I'm afraid of NOT getting pregnant or losing another baby in these next couple months. I've run out of the list of things I have to do to make my body ready. I've gone through so much already. How in the world will I handle a negative after all of this? It would probably be right at my birthday, too.

Esperando

If I think, "Is this my period" to myself one more time, I may become certifiable. I'm now on Day 18 of bleeding from the surgery. I am so, so, so over pads. Hell, I am so over blood at this point. It hasn't started up again yet today, but I know it's just a matter of time. This morning I've got some cramping, though, so I just hope that it might be my period. It's odd, waiting and hoping for a period to come. At the same time, though, last night I had a little day dream that maybe it would take a really long time for my period to come, and in the meantime, I'd get "accidentally" pregnant. My period would be so delayed that I'd take a test on a whim, and there it would be, the elusive double line. (Let's not get carried away and think about the one that actually reads "Pregnant".)

The lines between hope and despair seem so fuzzy lately. That little dream sounds ridiculous to me by the light of day, but there's still a tiny little pang that it will happen that way. Anything so we don't have to "try" so hard. It's incredibly hard for me to deal with the uncertainties lately. So many have said that now that I've gone through both surgeries, they feel like everything is in order for us. There's just no guarantee. There's no effort counter in the world that is going to look down and realize that I've now sacrificed enough for it to be our time to have a baby. If only it worked like that. And we're not even as far as couples who've done multiple rounds of IVF. If that's in our future, I can't even entertain the idea right now. Overwhelming.

I've also been told that since we recently conceived, this is a good sign. It's a good sign that we conceived but lost the baby? I'm not sure how that works. Yes, we now know we can conceive. Yes, we know we surgically corrected the most probable reason why the baby couldn't implant. But, no, we do not know that we'll conceive again, right away. It took a year to conceive that baby; who's to say that it won't take another year to do it again? There's no guarantee that now we can do it again and soon. We didn't do anything differently that month.

Well, we did do somethings differently that month, but they didn't help and they didn't happen until after we had realized I conceived. God damned dreaming.

Multiplicity

Doesn't it seem ironic that you have an increased "risk" of multiples with fertility treatments? You go from trying and trying and trying to get pregnant to potentially having more babies than you can hold at one time.

Screw you, Universe. Screw you.

Oh what a night!

Not that kind. (That kind = high school dance with beloved friends, singing, dancing)

This kind was the kind with tears. Lots of them. I don't really know where they came from, but when they arrived, they arrived with gusto. So much gusto that I needed a chocolate shake. And there, my friends, went today's attempt at eating healthy and working out tonight. You can't run when you have tears marring your vision.

Tonight, I was asked why infertility leads to embarrassment and shame. I googled, but there was nothing to help me answer that question. It's common knowledge that those emotions go hand-in-hand with the diagnosis, yet no one mentions WHY. Why be embarrassed about something completely out of your control? Good question. Unfortunately, not having an answer doesn't negate the question.

Must. Think.