Anxieties

After scary amounts of blood Thursday and Friday and the bleeding still going strong yesterday, it seems to have completely stopped today. No spotting or anything. I'm going to go for a run, so that might change things. I have no idea wtf is going on with my body. And, I'm honestly a little stressed that that was my period. I'm scared to start trying again. Scared it will work, scared it won't, scared that it will and then I'll lose the baby again. I'm afraid to feel pregnant again. It's a weird place to be. And grad school puts an interesting twist on things. If I were to get pregnant this month, I'd be due in March. Middle of the semester. Would I have to take the whole spring off? If I get pregnant in Sept, all would be okay for the first year of grad school. At this point, it seems a little bold to not try for the next few months and wait until September. I can't find the right word for it. Having been at this a year and then taking a few months b/c the timing isn't great seems a little.....God, what is the word? It seems a little over confident, when there's clearly no reason to be. It seems a bit like biting a gift horse in the hand. Bold? Blase? I've been thinking about this for a few weeks now, to no avail. On the flip side, I'm tempted to wait until Sept b/c I kind of wonder if the Universe is going to make the timing perfect for me so that I don't have to miss a semester. (There has to be a reason why we've been struggling with this for so long. I go back and forth with trying to make amends with the fact that it's not meant to be yet giving it my all b/c I can't understand why now wouldn't be as good of a time as any.) At the same time, I told the Universe this morning just to go ahead and give us the grad school problem to solve with having a baby. I know TH and I will work it out. Part of the idea of waiting until Sept is to protect myself from the hurt of the next few months not being "it". If the Universe wants to make everything work out perfectly (that's why we've been waiting for the apt, the greencard, grad school, etc), then why put myself through a few more months of no's when I'm already in a pretty fragile state?

There it is. I'm afraid of NOT getting pregnant or losing another baby in these next couple months. I've run out of the list of things I have to do to make my body ready. I've gone through so much already. How in the world will I handle a negative after all of this? It would probably be right at my birthday, too.