Five years ago tonight, I was on a train up from Philly. I was filled with excitement about spending NYE in the city, even though our big celebration was in Queens. It didn't matter; the city held so much promise for me, as I was on the brink of deciding to move here on my own as soon as I could find a job. What could be better than a midwestern girl leaving one city for her true city, doing it all on her own, and moving into the close realm of friends? It seemed like nothing.
I met up with the girls, who were all still getting their nails done. I can't remember why I didn't need to join them, but I didn't. I was hungry, though we were getting dinner soon, so I went for a quick slice of pizza at a local corner joint we liked to frequent on my trips to visit. I sat at a table with a perfect view of the street, and it soon began to snow big, fat, flakes. These flakes were movie quality, and the city street scene was gorgeous. My chest just filled with promise; everything just felt right.
There was a man seated at the counter, alone. He was eating a full meal to my single slice. I still remember the dish that the lasagna was in. This man was definitely older than me, but it made no difference, as I've always had a thing for older men. His back was to me, but he kept turning around to look at me. We'd make eye contact, and I'd go back to marveling at the winter wonderland in my future city. My heart beat a little faster. I debated asking him to attend our party (it was going to be 50+ at a local bar), but it never felt perfectly right. He got up, paid his check, turned back to look at me one last time, and we shared a smile. He hesitated, I went back to my snowflakes, and he vanished. I finished up my food, and I practically skipped back to Eves' apartment to meet up with the girls. It was going to be a good night, and I had such peace on that few blocks walk.
That's the night that everything changed between TH and I. I didn't know it, but he went from being someone I thought was going to be perfect for my first attempt at a one night stand to the man that I would marry in less than two years time. I was moving to be single and crazy, hoping to make up for my unexciting college days in the city that never sleeps. I was 22 and the possibilities were endless. Oh, they were endless, alright, just not in the way that I could have imagined.
That man at the pizza place? I've looked for him everywhere, and I've never seen him again. For as large as a Queens town may be, it's also pretty small. It's amazing how you see random people in the least expected places. I've always thought, looking back, that he wasn't a potential hook-up for that night. He was my angel that night, giving me the hope, filling me with certainty that the night wouldn't disappoint. He was the sign I didn't know I was looking for that night; my love with TH was right around the corner I didn't know I was about to turn. I only told TH this part of the story last night. TH isn't one for angels like I am, so I never wanted to share. When I finished my story, he just hugged me and Babel tight in his TH way.
Do you know how many cycle days I hoped to see that mystery man again? I'd know his face anywhere, yet it's never reappeared. I still hope to see him, though, and not for the reasons I originally enjoyed his face. He's an unspoken sign of hope for me, even though I had no idea that's what I was looking for. And perhaps that is why we'll never cross paths.
__________________________________________________
When I think back to this day one year ago, I couldn't imagine being in a more different place. Last year, we just wanted to move on, up, and anywhere that wasn't in 2009. I couldn't believe that such a terrible year was even possible and had just occurred, yet 2010 still held promise. I chose to believe that it couldn't get worse...and while it did for a little bit, our luck most certainly changed. Babel arrived.
Last year, I entered the new year begging to carry our child. This year, I enter 2011 begging Babel in every way possible to come out and play with us. It's definitely a mixed bag, feeling "done" with being pregnant after trying so very hard to get here. And entering the last two weeks of pregnancy (assuming he's not late) has more similarities to the TWW than I ever could have imagined. I'll save that for later, though.
Last year, we couldn't even bear to be around people. TH and I just needed to be together and let the hours slide away into the new year. We had hope for forward movement, but we were too raw to put that hope out among even our closest friends. After our simple dinner and carriage ride through Central Park, when the clock struck midnight at home, TH and I cried tears that we had made it. We'd survived. 2009 couldn't trap us anymore. Whatever was set to come just had to better; we couldn't think otherwise.
This year, we hope to have cancelled plans. The OB would love to have the first baby in NYC and make it on the cover of the Daily News, so we'd be happy to oblige if Babel would get a move on. Sadly, it looks like we're not going to make it, but we'll take it. We received a crystal rabbit from a coworker of TH's to celebrate Babel being born in the year of the rabbit, so we will be happy not to disappoint. The date matters so little to me; I just want him here. I'm making everyone guess when they think he'll arrive, but when asked when I think he's coming, my only answer is whatever day we're on. Every day holds hope that today is the day. Every morning, I wake up, assess, and realize that last night wasn't the night, and the hope rings through for the rest of day. Wash, rinse, repeat. It's tiring, but it's okay. It's a happy, excited hope, regardless of how much I complain about my numb fingers or cumbersome belly. Today could be the day. And pretty soon, we're going to run out of could be days.
Some days, it is a little scary. What if this one "extra" day brings something unexpected that ruins everything? In my mind, this infertility struggle isn't going to really be over (for this round) until I hold a little crying Babel in my arms, while my tears match his. Sometimes, I walk past my belly in the mirror and can't believe it's really me, me+Babel. We're here. It's happening and soon. This ending and new beginning is going to thrust us into everything we've wanted and waited for, and at the same time, it's going to force me to start facing what we want to do next in this journey. I can't wait to experience and don't want to think all at once. One at a time, please. Just lock me in those fresh hours with Babel forever, please. Let me live there for now.
The song that I just know will be perfect for Babel's first day has come on. We're so close I can't stop the tears. C'mon, little one. Come out and let us love you out in the open. We're welcoming 2011 as your year, and we can't wait.
31 December 2010
24 December 2010
It's the last one
Many people have mentioned that we should take extra care to enjoy this "last Christmas as a couple". I really dislike that advice (not surprising). Last year, I wished and wished and wished that it would be our last Christmas that was just the two of us, and in a way, that has come true. Babel has moved a little bit out of his normal position, and this has resulted in much, much kicking to announce his presence this morning. It's like he gets lost in there when he's not in his normal spot, which is cute until the kicking gets a little frantic. :)
Anyway, our "last" Christmas. I want to celebrate this but in a completely different way that people mean for us to do so. Next year, Babel will be almost a year, and we'll have carefully bought and wrapped presents for him to tear into, provided we can convince him that presents are interesting things. Next year, we'll hopefully be back to Michigan after my only two years away from home for the holidays, both hiatuses being pregnancy/infertility-related. Next year, our hearts will be full and the waiting will have long since ended. Doesn't that sound like a reason to celebrate this being the last Christmas together? There's no savoring going on over here. We'll make the best out of this holiday, as completely different and almost lacking celebration as it is turning out to be. Truthfully, it's just days that we need to get through to get closer to Babel's little feet kicking us on the outside or even kicking TH instead of saving it all for me. We'll have a lovely few quiet days together, and we'll spend the next week hanging out together and getting things ready even more for Babel. But for this last Christmas? We'll be cuddling to the fact that it will be the last quiet one we will have for a long, long time. For that, we are very, very glad.
May this be the last Christmas that each of you celebrate with less in your family than you'd like. I hope Santa fulfills the dreams of your letters this year. ♥
Anyway, our "last" Christmas. I want to celebrate this but in a completely different way that people mean for us to do so. Next year, Babel will be almost a year, and we'll have carefully bought and wrapped presents for him to tear into, provided we can convince him that presents are interesting things. Next year, we'll hopefully be back to Michigan after my only two years away from home for the holidays, both hiatuses being pregnancy/infertility-related. Next year, our hearts will be full and the waiting will have long since ended. Doesn't that sound like a reason to celebrate this being the last Christmas together? There's no savoring going on over here. We'll make the best out of this holiday, as completely different and almost lacking celebration as it is turning out to be. Truthfully, it's just days that we need to get through to get closer to Babel's little feet kicking us on the outside or even kicking TH instead of saving it all for me. We'll have a lovely few quiet days together, and we'll spend the next week hanging out together and getting things ready even more for Babel. But for this last Christmas? We'll be cuddling to the fact that it will be the last quiet one we will have for a long, long time. For that, we are very, very glad.
May this be the last Christmas that each of you celebrate with less in your family than you'd like. I hope Santa fulfills the dreams of your letters this year. ♥
20 December 2010
I'm about to lose my mind
and not in the "and I think I kinda like it" way.
I was literally two typed paragraphs away from celebrating the completion of the semester and my grad career when I got the email from the program advisor complementing and approving my thesis....while simultaneously suggesting that I improve it ever so slightly by adding a figure or table or both. I was reminded that I don't have to do it right now, as the thesis isn't due until February.
Is this woman out of her mind? She knows all about Babel. She knows about the trials to get to Babel, as I had to navigate a few of her classes around treatments. She knew my reason for turning in the thesis months ahead of schedule on my own imposed deadlines is because I do not want to have school work needlessly hanging over my head simply because the timeline is available to me. No thanks. I want to enjoy my baby in his full glory. School be damned...or just completed.
In the past three days, I have unintentionally exhausted myself with a few normal activities. I'm most definitely sleep deprived due to lack of comfortable positions available. I got a lecture at the doctor today. I've been working on this final for entirely too long (though it's thankfully now submitted), and I have told myself repeatedly that I *just* had to get through today. Now, today has turned into next week with school. I have been on a hormonal roller coaster since Saturday, when I have pretty much kept my chit together in that respect for most of the pregnancy.
This must mean the end is near. I haven't been this batchit since injectibles. I apparently didn't miss it.
I was literally two typed paragraphs away from celebrating the completion of the semester and my grad career when I got the email from the program advisor complementing and approving my thesis....while simultaneously suggesting that I improve it ever so slightly by adding a figure or table or both. I was reminded that I don't have to do it right now, as the thesis isn't due until February.
Is this woman out of her mind? She knows all about Babel. She knows about the trials to get to Babel, as I had to navigate a few of her classes around treatments. She knew my reason for turning in the thesis months ahead of schedule on my own imposed deadlines is because I do not want to have school work needlessly hanging over my head simply because the timeline is available to me. No thanks. I want to enjoy my baby in his full glory. School be damned...or just completed.
In the past three days, I have unintentionally exhausted myself with a few normal activities. I'm most definitely sleep deprived due to lack of comfortable positions available. I got a lecture at the doctor today. I've been working on this final for entirely too long (though it's thankfully now submitted), and I have told myself repeatedly that I *just* had to get through today. Now, today has turned into next week with school. I have been on a hormonal roller coaster since Saturday, when I have pretty much kept my chit together in that respect for most of the pregnancy.
This must mean the end is near. I haven't been this batchit since injectibles. I apparently didn't miss it.
15 December 2010
Almost
It's almost time, and I can't believe it. Some days it feels like we're so close, and others feel like it's still an eternity away, even with less than a month left. I know with the holidays coming, two of the weeks will fly right on by, which is exciting and painfully slow to get to, all at the same time.
The doctor stopped me from working on Monday because of swelling and primarily to stop my public transport commute and keep me resting at home. I'm not confined to bed by any means, and with just limited activities around the apartment, my swelling and mood is much, much better. Hiking it to work was taking more out of me than I realized. My workload has also been very slow over the past few months, so it felt like such a waste of time to spend my days there when there was so much to do at home. I've made a 3 page list (yes, I'm serious) of ideas of things to do to keep me busy over this wait for Babel in the event I get lazy and start to get bored. There's so much that has been put on the back burner over the past two years between treatments and school that I'm excited about finally having the time to do. Things that were never really all that important now have all the time in the world; it's a nice example of how our life has changed these past few months with Babel's presence.
I'm officially done with classes, and by 5pm tonight, I will have my last exam in my hands. It's a take home exam, and while I'm not really prepared for it (I haven't done much other than attend classes and listen), I have an entire week to complete it. My hope is to get it done by the weekend. With all this time at home, I have no excuse not to! I should also hear about whether or not my thesis was approved today. After that, TH will take it to be bound, and then I will really and truly be done (we'll have to time this with me turning in my final)! I suspect that I won't get an on-time response regarding the thesis, but at least the date is here and it could come at any time. Sounds a little like Babel, no? :)
Can you believe it? Everything is coming to an end all at once. It's a little hard to wrap my head around. There are people who would say God has a plan and that the timing was part of it, but I am not one of those people. Usually, I would be, but with the infertility battle, I don't think it's so easy to say that it was just an issue of timing. That's too much pain to place on a little factor like "not the right time", don't you think? I do.
So, that's where we are, tying up loose ends, finishing Babel's room, completing a gazillion photo projects I haven't had the time for, getting ready for the holidays, and finding some time to clear my head and wait for Babel to decide he's ready to join us.
Can you imagine? He's really just on the cusp of joining us. This is all finally coming to an end...for now.
The doctor stopped me from working on Monday because of swelling and primarily to stop my public transport commute and keep me resting at home. I'm not confined to bed by any means, and with just limited activities around the apartment, my swelling and mood is much, much better. Hiking it to work was taking more out of me than I realized. My workload has also been very slow over the past few months, so it felt like such a waste of time to spend my days there when there was so much to do at home. I've made a 3 page list (yes, I'm serious) of ideas of things to do to keep me busy over this wait for Babel in the event I get lazy and start to get bored. There's so much that has been put on the back burner over the past two years between treatments and school that I'm excited about finally having the time to do. Things that were never really all that important now have all the time in the world; it's a nice example of how our life has changed these past few months with Babel's presence.
I'm officially done with classes, and by 5pm tonight, I will have my last exam in my hands. It's a take home exam, and while I'm not really prepared for it (I haven't done much other than attend classes and listen), I have an entire week to complete it. My hope is to get it done by the weekend. With all this time at home, I have no excuse not to! I should also hear about whether or not my thesis was approved today. After that, TH will take it to be bound, and then I will really and truly be done (we'll have to time this with me turning in my final)! I suspect that I won't get an on-time response regarding the thesis, but at least the date is here and it could come at any time. Sounds a little like Babel, no? :)
Can you believe it? Everything is coming to an end all at once. It's a little hard to wrap my head around. There are people who would say God has a plan and that the timing was part of it, but I am not one of those people. Usually, I would be, but with the infertility battle, I don't think it's so easy to say that it was just an issue of timing. That's too much pain to place on a little factor like "not the right time", don't you think? I do.
So, that's where we are, tying up loose ends, finishing Babel's room, completing a gazillion photo projects I haven't had the time for, getting ready for the holidays, and finding some time to clear my head and wait for Babel to decide he's ready to join us.
Can you imagine? He's really just on the cusp of joining us. This is all finally coming to an end...for now.
24 November 2010
I'm thankful for
-little twinkly Babel fingers in my vag when he doesn't like the fact that I'm crushing him
-TH's awesome cooking skills when I need to rest
-28 calendar days until school is over!!!
-yoga pants
-music that brings tears to your eyes (Lee Dewyze and Garth Brooks, I'm talkin' to you)
-cuddly kittehs
-beautiful photos taken by the SMT
-little sisters
-my Great Grandma blanket
-our apartment (home)
-good friends who know the right questions to ask
-books
-water with ice
-unpopped belly buttons
-Erika the acupuncturist
-John Robshaw sample sales that earn Babel a $10 bumper pad
-Jones's obsession with Babel's room
-giant but healthy baby bellies
-warm, fuzzy slip on boots
-accents
-bubble tea
-unlimited sick days
-baby butts and rolling knees
-sweet brothers
-our little family
-that while last year's Thanksgiving didn't have all that great of an ending, this year's will
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. May each of you have something to be thankful for despite anything you might be missing.
-TH's awesome cooking skills when I need to rest
-28 calendar days until school is over!!!
-yoga pants
-music that brings tears to your eyes (Lee Dewyze and Garth Brooks, I'm talkin' to you)
-cuddly kittehs
-beautiful photos taken by the SMT
-little sisters
-my Great Grandma blanket
-our apartment (home)
-good friends who know the right questions to ask
-books
-water with ice
-unpopped belly buttons
-Erika the acupuncturist
-John Robshaw sample sales that earn Babel a $10 bumper pad
-Jones's obsession with Babel's room
-giant but healthy baby bellies
-warm, fuzzy slip on boots
-accents
-bubble tea
-unlimited sick days
-baby butts and rolling knees
-sweet brothers
-our little family
-that while last year's Thanksgiving didn't have all that great of an ending, this year's will
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. May each of you have something to be thankful for despite anything you might be missing.
29 October 2010
28 October 2010
Randoms
I currently have a kitty trying to make room for himself on my lap, with the laptop and the baby belly. Good luck with that, Smith!
I've been reading the blogs and staying up-to-date a lot recently, so it's about time I put something on the page.
In just a little over two months, I won't be a working girl anymore. With all the crap that's been going on at work lately, I. Can't. Wait. When you'd rather take a weekend job stocking shelves at a retail store than return to your job post-baby, that should tell you something. The discount would be worth more to me than my "career path" (or lack thereof!!) at my current position.
Babel loves to play at 11pm. TH is having a TON of fun watching my belly jump, kick, roll, and sway from side to side. The little goober must think it's a great time to party, just like his Tati.
I got the buttons on my fall coat moved over and a pair of maternity jeans hemmed, and I about jumped out of my skin with excitement last weekend. The buttons were so exciting! Sad, but true. :)
We have a doc appt tomorrow, and while the u/s at the office is crappy, I can't wait to say hello!
My doc kind of sucks. She's been on my ass about weight gain, she's completely inconsistent about it, and I stress more about getting on the scale for our appts than I ever did at a WW weigh-in. No one at the weigh-in chastised me after the result. :/ The SMT always reminds me I'm growing a human, and TH reminds me that it's not just me weighing X lbs, but rather me+Babel. I've actually been feeling much better about the weight these past few weeks, and I've only gone up 2 lbs in two weeks, so we should be all clear tomorrow. It's funny b/c nothing has changed in my diet, but the gain has slowed. (At 29 weeks, I'm up 27 lbs.) The slow gain made me worry about Babel for a day or two, but I'm over it with his hyperactivity. I'm really glad to be able to say the weight isn't bothering me too much lately, but there were definitely more than a few weeks where I was having a really hard time with my body image. It's so easy to *say* you're gaining the weight for the baby, but when you've got a doc being unnecessarily hard on you (no high bp, no GD, or any indication of either), were already up 10 lbs from treatments, AND started out with body image issues, it's not as easy to accept as I thought it would be. I do think I feel better about it b/c the belly hides my view of my thighs. (My body seems to think that Babel lives in my thighs...)
The room is coming along nicely, though we're about to hit a bit of a stalling point due to busy weekends. My masters thesis draft is due on Monday, and it's all kinds of crazy here. I have a take home midterm due on Wed and a lab report due on Thursday. Our NYC shower is on Saturday, and we have 5 people and a baby coming to stay with us for most of the weekend. Do you think I can convince Smith and Jones to clean the tub for us? Babel certainly will not let me do it...
I believe TH is having a little bit of a crisis over the fun things that he will be limited in doing once Babel arrives. As I type, he is playing his newly formed weekly online computer game with friends. I'm so over it, LOL! He puts on headphones but then proceeds to semi-shout to his teammates about all kinds of random chit. "Control the unit!" "Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Am I all alone?" (I'd guess so, TH....) "CONTINUE on that hatchery!!" "Destroyed!"
Yeah. Awesome. I lost my Grey's date for THAT. I'm not normally the woman who doesn't let her husband do his own thing, but if I could wipe this game off the computer, I just might do it.
Hormonal? Yeah. A bit. I've been a wee bit cranky for the past two weeks, though I've been putting in lots of time on the thesis. I think that might be the real problem.
Did I mention work is sucktastic? Just thought I'd throw that in there again. The only good thing about it these days is the lovely friendships I have there. There are two other pregos, and I have loved having others to talk to about this journey. We've bonded over stinky crotches (why doesn't anyone TELL you this?!), bad (and dirty) maternity clothes, and McDonald's on a rainy day. Lovely.
So, I think that's it for now. Sorry I'm so boring these days. Perhaps next time I will come up with some better stories to share. You know, after the thesis stops sucking the life out of me. (TUESDAY!!)
I've been reading the blogs and staying up-to-date a lot recently, so it's about time I put something on the page.
In just a little over two months, I won't be a working girl anymore. With all the crap that's been going on at work lately, I. Can't. Wait. When you'd rather take a weekend job stocking shelves at a retail store than return to your job post-baby, that should tell you something. The discount would be worth more to me than my "career path" (or lack thereof!!) at my current position.
Babel loves to play at 11pm. TH is having a TON of fun watching my belly jump, kick, roll, and sway from side to side. The little goober must think it's a great time to party, just like his Tati.
I got the buttons on my fall coat moved over and a pair of maternity jeans hemmed, and I about jumped out of my skin with excitement last weekend. The buttons were so exciting! Sad, but true. :)
We have a doc appt tomorrow, and while the u/s at the office is crappy, I can't wait to say hello!
My doc kind of sucks. She's been on my ass about weight gain, she's completely inconsistent about it, and I stress more about getting on the scale for our appts than I ever did at a WW weigh-in. No one at the weigh-in chastised me after the result. :/ The SMT always reminds me I'm growing a human, and TH reminds me that it's not just me weighing X lbs, but rather me+Babel. I've actually been feeling much better about the weight these past few weeks, and I've only gone up 2 lbs in two weeks, so we should be all clear tomorrow. It's funny b/c nothing has changed in my diet, but the gain has slowed. (At 29 weeks, I'm up 27 lbs.) The slow gain made me worry about Babel for a day or two, but I'm over it with his hyperactivity. I'm really glad to be able to say the weight isn't bothering me too much lately, but there were definitely more than a few weeks where I was having a really hard time with my body image. It's so easy to *say* you're gaining the weight for the baby, but when you've got a doc being unnecessarily hard on you (no high bp, no GD, or any indication of either), were already up 10 lbs from treatments, AND started out with body image issues, it's not as easy to accept as I thought it would be. I do think I feel better about it b/c the belly hides my view of my thighs. (My body seems to think that Babel lives in my thighs...)
The room is coming along nicely, though we're about to hit a bit of a stalling point due to busy weekends. My masters thesis draft is due on Monday, and it's all kinds of crazy here. I have a take home midterm due on Wed and a lab report due on Thursday. Our NYC shower is on Saturday, and we have 5 people and a baby coming to stay with us for most of the weekend. Do you think I can convince Smith and Jones to clean the tub for us? Babel certainly will not let me do it...
I believe TH is having a little bit of a crisis over the fun things that he will be limited in doing once Babel arrives. As I type, he is playing his newly formed weekly online computer game with friends. I'm so over it, LOL! He puts on headphones but then proceeds to semi-shout to his teammates about all kinds of random chit. "Control the unit!" "Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Am I all alone?" (I'd guess so, TH....) "CONTINUE on that hatchery!!" "Destroyed!"
Yeah. Awesome. I lost my Grey's date for THAT. I'm not normally the woman who doesn't let her husband do his own thing, but if I could wipe this game off the computer, I just might do it.
Hormonal? Yeah. A bit. I've been a wee bit cranky for the past two weeks, though I've been putting in lots of time on the thesis. I think that might be the real problem.
Did I mention work is sucktastic? Just thought I'd throw that in there again. The only good thing about it these days is the lovely friendships I have there. There are two other pregos, and I have loved having others to talk to about this journey. We've bonded over stinky crotches (why doesn't anyone TELL you this?!), bad (and dirty) maternity clothes, and McDonald's on a rainy day. Lovely.
So, I think that's it for now. Sorry I'm so boring these days. Perhaps next time I will come up with some better stories to share. You know, after the thesis stops sucking the life out of me. (TUESDAY!!)
02 October 2010
22 September 2010
I'm Ready
to hold Babel in my arms. Good Lord, am I ready. But, as much as I am ready, just like as much as I was ready to be pregnant, how ready I am does not mean a damn thing. Babel's not ready, and thus, I have to wait.
I didn't know I would feel this way. I find myself frustrated that I can't patiently wait out these 100+ days and cherish the feeling of Babel kicking around in my belly. I'm almost certain I will miss these feelings when Babel is living in the outside world, yet at this very moment, I desperately want to hold him.
I first felt these feelings after the anatomy scan. It took me the full day after to realize that my sadness and irritability was over the date not being what I wanted it to be. I have a sweet picture of Babel covering his little face, exposing his little baby armpit, and oh, how I long to feel that crease of skin where his arm meets his torso. I ache for that little bit of Babel's body, much in the way that I used to ache to feel his kicks.
I don't want Babel to come now; I simply want it to be his due date *right now*. I sometimes fear that my impatient thoughts will make him come to us too soon, which is the last thing I want. Babel is like a not fully baked cake, the SMT says. He's firm on the outside, but under that top layer, his insides are still all runny. I know this, yet I still wish for it to be time.
On Monday, we had to go to the hospital for a little monitoring, though everything was just fine. Babel is breech and stepping/tap dancing/kicking all of my lady bits, sometimes sinking down and increasing the pressure when I stand up or go to the bathroom. I had a wee bit of back pain like I do when my period comes, so that, combined with the very low pressure, was just a little concerning. When I called the doctor, I expected her to maybe have me come in to the office, but more likely I expected to be told more fluids and more rest. Instead, she said "labor and delivery" and I momentarily panicked. I amazingly pulled myself together, though, in a matter of minutes. I listened to my body, knew that we were okay, and took it as a little extra peek at Babel.
When we arrived there and were hooked the monitors, TH and I were lighthearted, talking to Babel, listening to his feisty kicks. He obviously disliked the pressure of the monitors, for which I was glad, as he had been pretty quiet before that. But the more I sat there, listening to the woman on the other side of the triage curtain, the one who was giving birth to her baby in the coming hours, the sadness creeped in. I walked in to the hospital reminding Babel it was too soon and to stay put, yet I laid in that bed, wishing that it was magically January and Time.
Is this a leftover infertility present? I calculated that we started trying 4 months after our wedding day, and 38 months after that same day, Babel will be in my arms. Are my feelings just the result of our lengthy wait? I have been waiting for Babel's arrival for what feels like so long, and as we approach the doorstep, the shortest wait we have had yet, it feels entirely unbearable. And yet, I feel this way knowing that the days that I carry Babel all to myself are numbered. After him, I may never have these sensations again. I know this. I fear it. Yet, I can't help but be filled with longing for Babel's sweet baby skin in my hands, his breath on my cheek, his cries in my ears.
I am trying so very, very hard to be right here with Babel in these moments, yet no matter what I do, I want him to feel these moments as vividly as I do, breathing his own air and telling me his secrets without my interpretations. My hands are ready to hold his; the skin of my belly, his house, are no longer enough.
I still long for my baby, even while he's right here with me. What will be enough?
I didn't know I would feel this way. I find myself frustrated that I can't patiently wait out these 100+ days and cherish the feeling of Babel kicking around in my belly. I'm almost certain I will miss these feelings when Babel is living in the outside world, yet at this very moment, I desperately want to hold him.
I first felt these feelings after the anatomy scan. It took me the full day after to realize that my sadness and irritability was over the date not being what I wanted it to be. I have a sweet picture of Babel covering his little face, exposing his little baby armpit, and oh, how I long to feel that crease of skin where his arm meets his torso. I ache for that little bit of Babel's body, much in the way that I used to ache to feel his kicks.
I don't want Babel to come now; I simply want it to be his due date *right now*. I sometimes fear that my impatient thoughts will make him come to us too soon, which is the last thing I want. Babel is like a not fully baked cake, the SMT says. He's firm on the outside, but under that top layer, his insides are still all runny. I know this, yet I still wish for it to be time.
On Monday, we had to go to the hospital for a little monitoring, though everything was just fine. Babel is breech and stepping/tap dancing/kicking all of my lady bits, sometimes sinking down and increasing the pressure when I stand up or go to the bathroom. I had a wee bit of back pain like I do when my period comes, so that, combined with the very low pressure, was just a little concerning. When I called the doctor, I expected her to maybe have me come in to the office, but more likely I expected to be told more fluids and more rest. Instead, she said "labor and delivery" and I momentarily panicked. I amazingly pulled myself together, though, in a matter of minutes. I listened to my body, knew that we were okay, and took it as a little extra peek at Babel.
When we arrived there and were hooked the monitors, TH and I were lighthearted, talking to Babel, listening to his feisty kicks. He obviously disliked the pressure of the monitors, for which I was glad, as he had been pretty quiet before that. But the more I sat there, listening to the woman on the other side of the triage curtain, the one who was giving birth to her baby in the coming hours, the sadness creeped in. I walked in to the hospital reminding Babel it was too soon and to stay put, yet I laid in that bed, wishing that it was magically January and Time.
Is this a leftover infertility present? I calculated that we started trying 4 months after our wedding day, and 38 months after that same day, Babel will be in my arms. Are my feelings just the result of our lengthy wait? I have been waiting for Babel's arrival for what feels like so long, and as we approach the doorstep, the shortest wait we have had yet, it feels entirely unbearable. And yet, I feel this way knowing that the days that I carry Babel all to myself are numbered. After him, I may never have these sensations again. I know this. I fear it. Yet, I can't help but be filled with longing for Babel's sweet baby skin in my hands, his breath on my cheek, his cries in my ears.
I am trying so very, very hard to be right here with Babel in these moments, yet no matter what I do, I want him to feel these moments as vividly as I do, breathing his own air and telling me his secrets without my interpretations. My hands are ready to hold his; the skin of my belly, his house, are no longer enough.
I still long for my baby, even while he's right here with me. What will be enough?
06 September 2010
The Things You Don't Expect
It's been a long time since I clicked on "New Post". It's hard, girls. Really hard.
This little blogger box is where I went with my sadness. My days are mostly happy (mostly), but the ones that are chaotic and overwhelming don't come close to touching the sadness of those where I placed my fingers to the keys to let all the words out. The overwhelming feelings are just different, and they're not just pregnant mama kinds of worries. There are a lot of days where I still feel like I'm in No Man's Land.
First, I must tell you that the 20 week u/s, done on the dot and not a day sooner (much to my dismay), revealed a healthy, perfect little boy. From the start, I knew Baby was a boy, in a way I can't easily explain to most of the world. If IVF#2 hadn't worked, I was retiring our treatment jerseys indefinitely. I know many of you know that feeling. After the chemical of IVF#1, I vowed to try one more time, and you all were witness to my resolve and TH's strength in carrying me through. The shots, the calls, the counts. Everything. I handed it all over and let TH take care of me (or us).
In the days of the betas, the ones that started out low and played tricks for treats, I survived. When we made it past those days and I could finally breathe again, I started to think about the life that had made it through those few days that no other had yet accomplished. I told myself there was something different about this baby, different good. Out of all the babies who could have been, this baby stayed.
I started to feel Baby's strength. I marveled at it, and not too long after, I was certain Baby was a boy. Baby was strong. Girls are strong (just look at his mama), but this was fierce boy energy I felt. "Little boys grow into men that take care of their mamas," I told TH. "Baby is a boy."
Baby, or Luka Mihai, as he will be called (Babel here), takes care of me. I've felt him before most women feel their babies. I've talked to him when the fears get to be too much. Getting out of the first tri didn't magically stop all of the worries, and I've leaned on Babel to carry us through. I've already learned to trust him in a way I can't always trust myself. My little man and his tati (daddy in Romanian) take care of my fears.
My mom threw us a shower in Michigan over the weekend. I've been a terrible guest of honor, stalking the registries and shopping for baby clothes, unable to resist the Gap clearance rack with a coupon. I couldn't wait for our trip to the midwest, and I eagerly hopped in the car with TH, short on luggage and ready to bring back pretty little things for Babel.
The night before the shower was not what I expected. After a few days of shopping for Babel's room, my mom's present for us for the shower, and an increase in Babel's waking time in the belly, I was exhausted and overwhelmed. Too much baby in too little time. Where did this feeling come from? And how can I make it STOP?
The panic set in. My shower outfit was a pair of white dress pants with an empire waisted navy maternity shirt. I had been on the living room floor with The Belle and Oldest Little Brother doing yoga tricks and watching The Belle's pretty handstands. I overdid it and stretched my belly muscles a little, and the timing couldn't have been worse. As we got into bed, TH had to hold me to calm me down. I was certain I had ruined Babel's home (if only the doctor hadn't cautioned me about yoga that week!) and that things would go very badly for my white pants and baby at the impending shower. Hadn't my mother told me it was too early for the shower to be held? What had I been thinking? Oh no, oh no, oh no. I spiraled.
TH finally calmed me with a few little kicks from Babel. I slept fitfully, partially from the migraine I'd been trying to shake and partially from the fear. How many mothers visualize the loss of their baby the night before their shower to celebrate the life growing within them? To say I was not ready for these feelings and disappointed in myself are an understatement. The self blame definitely didn't help.
The next morning came, and I was left to get ready by myself while the rest of the house was sleeping. I primped carefully, fearing my weight gain would be the talk of the shower, hoping the hair I'd worked so hard to blow dry would take away some of the focus. The Belle's first words to me when she came into the bathroom to brush her teeth were, "Your hair is BEAUTIFUL." I exhaled, just a little.
When we were finally in the car and on our way, the nerves finally gave way. The Belle was in the backseat, and try as I might, I couldn't keep the tears from falling. I silently cried the whole way to the shower. I cried tears of fear and happiness. I cried out of sadness of all the days that had come before, the ones that made me believe this drive to the shower would never, ever happen. I cried out of love for Babel, who must have felt my emotions and happily kicked me the whole hour ride there. I cried when I touched my fully belly, and I cried at all the songs on the radio, not the least to What I Love About Sundays, which made me cry for all of you who have been on this road with me. I cried out of nervousness that I am pregnant, going to the shower my mother and grandmother meticulously planned for our new little family, knowing that 90% of the people in the room would not have a clue how much this day meant to me, to Babel.
When I told the SMT about my fears and tears, she understood. We've reached another milestone, which simultaneously requires rejoicing and nervousness that all the rejoicing could be taken away in an instant. But it wasn't. And every minute that went past, every moment one step further into the party, I relaxed just a little bit more. I never became the life of the party, and I never forgot the torrent of the emotions leading into those hours. But for that finite amount of time, I just was. I was the mama, carrying the Babel and opening the presents. Tati took the pictures and held my eyes when needed. And everyone else just happily celebrated Babel's impending birth.
And there we were.
This little blogger box is where I went with my sadness. My days are mostly happy (mostly), but the ones that are chaotic and overwhelming don't come close to touching the sadness of those where I placed my fingers to the keys to let all the words out. The overwhelming feelings are just different, and they're not just pregnant mama kinds of worries. There are a lot of days where I still feel like I'm in No Man's Land.
First, I must tell you that the 20 week u/s, done on the dot and not a day sooner (much to my dismay), revealed a healthy, perfect little boy. From the start, I knew Baby was a boy, in a way I can't easily explain to most of the world. If IVF#2 hadn't worked, I was retiring our treatment jerseys indefinitely. I know many of you know that feeling. After the chemical of IVF#1, I vowed to try one more time, and you all were witness to my resolve and TH's strength in carrying me through. The shots, the calls, the counts. Everything. I handed it all over and let TH take care of me (or us).
In the days of the betas, the ones that started out low and played tricks for treats, I survived. When we made it past those days and I could finally breathe again, I started to think about the life that had made it through those few days that no other had yet accomplished. I told myself there was something different about this baby, different good. Out of all the babies who could have been, this baby stayed.
I started to feel Baby's strength. I marveled at it, and not too long after, I was certain Baby was a boy. Baby was strong. Girls are strong (just look at his mama), but this was fierce boy energy I felt. "Little boys grow into men that take care of their mamas," I told TH. "Baby is a boy."
Baby, or Luka Mihai, as he will be called (Babel here), takes care of me. I've felt him before most women feel their babies. I've talked to him when the fears get to be too much. Getting out of the first tri didn't magically stop all of the worries, and I've leaned on Babel to carry us through. I've already learned to trust him in a way I can't always trust myself. My little man and his tati (daddy in Romanian) take care of my fears.
My mom threw us a shower in Michigan over the weekend. I've been a terrible guest of honor, stalking the registries and shopping for baby clothes, unable to resist the Gap clearance rack with a coupon. I couldn't wait for our trip to the midwest, and I eagerly hopped in the car with TH, short on luggage and ready to bring back pretty little things for Babel.
The night before the shower was not what I expected. After a few days of shopping for Babel's room, my mom's present for us for the shower, and an increase in Babel's waking time in the belly, I was exhausted and overwhelmed. Too much baby in too little time. Where did this feeling come from? And how can I make it STOP?
The panic set in. My shower outfit was a pair of white dress pants with an empire waisted navy maternity shirt. I had been on the living room floor with The Belle and Oldest Little Brother doing yoga tricks and watching The Belle's pretty handstands. I overdid it and stretched my belly muscles a little, and the timing couldn't have been worse. As we got into bed, TH had to hold me to calm me down. I was certain I had ruined Babel's home (if only the doctor hadn't cautioned me about yoga that week!) and that things would go very badly for my white pants and baby at the impending shower. Hadn't my mother told me it was too early for the shower to be held? What had I been thinking? Oh no, oh no, oh no. I spiraled.
TH finally calmed me with a few little kicks from Babel. I slept fitfully, partially from the migraine I'd been trying to shake and partially from the fear. How many mothers visualize the loss of their baby the night before their shower to celebrate the life growing within them? To say I was not ready for these feelings and disappointed in myself are an understatement. The self blame definitely didn't help.
The next morning came, and I was left to get ready by myself while the rest of the house was sleeping. I primped carefully, fearing my weight gain would be the talk of the shower, hoping the hair I'd worked so hard to blow dry would take away some of the focus. The Belle's first words to me when she came into the bathroom to brush her teeth were, "Your hair is BEAUTIFUL." I exhaled, just a little.
When we were finally in the car and on our way, the nerves finally gave way. The Belle was in the backseat, and try as I might, I couldn't keep the tears from falling. I silently cried the whole way to the shower. I cried tears of fear and happiness. I cried out of sadness of all the days that had come before, the ones that made me believe this drive to the shower would never, ever happen. I cried out of love for Babel, who must have felt my emotions and happily kicked me the whole hour ride there. I cried when I touched my fully belly, and I cried at all the songs on the radio, not the least to What I Love About Sundays, which made me cry for all of you who have been on this road with me. I cried out of nervousness that I am pregnant, going to the shower my mother and grandmother meticulously planned for our new little family, knowing that 90% of the people in the room would not have a clue how much this day meant to me, to Babel.
When I told the SMT about my fears and tears, she understood. We've reached another milestone, which simultaneously requires rejoicing and nervousness that all the rejoicing could be taken away in an instant. But it wasn't. And every minute that went past, every moment one step further into the party, I relaxed just a little bit more. I never became the life of the party, and I never forgot the torrent of the emotions leading into those hours. But for that finite amount of time, I just was. I was the mama, carrying the Babel and opening the presents. Tati took the pictures and held my eyes when needed. And everyone else just happily celebrated Babel's impending birth.
And there we were.
13 August 2010
I'm here, really
It's a little late for this to be my first one of these, but I figured I'd do it anyway.
How far along: 18w4d
Total Weight Gain: 10 lbs.
Symptoms: I had a migraine at the start of the week, but it only lasted two days, as opposed to the 5 days they've lasted in previous weeks. This is a small victory. :) I've got more aversions than cravings for sure. I've had some minor heartburn at times, but that's about it for this week. I've turned a sharp corner since about 13-14 weeks.
Stretch Marks: Nope.
Sleep: It's a pretty big production for me to roll over already, so I can only imagine what that means for later weeks, LOL. I'm a huge fan of the Boppy pregnancy pillow we bought, even though I originally thought it was outrageously expensive. Um, it might be worth it's weight in gold right now. Right away, I had issues with the belly feeling unsupported during sleep, and since I've been trying to warm up to sleeping on my left side, I think the pillow has helped that transition significantly.
Best Moment Last Week: I turned Baby by doing a supported bridge on a block (yoga). Feeling Baby do a turn is NUTS. It's intense but crazy fun, all at the same time. I've been feeling the sensation since about 13 weeks or so, about once a week. Craziness.
Movement: Yep! I've been feeling little thumps a lot more in the past 2 weeks. I can't wait until it gets more consistent, though I suspect that my opinion on that might change! :)
Food Cravings: Anything that doesn't sound revolting? I ate a hotdog for breakfast a few days ago b/c that was the only thing even remotely appealing. I'm not all that into sweets, which is really odd for my stress-eating sweet tooth.
What I Miss: Of all things, a mimosa. I'm not a huge drinker, but for some reason, I'd really, really like one.
What am I looking forward to: 10 days until the official reveal! We were told at the NT scan that there were boy parts (we have a picture!), but we've yet to confirm this with another u/s. (The OB's office has a pretty old machine, so there's not much to see when we have an appt.)
The baby shower is Labor Day weekend, and I'm totally stoked! Someone bought our stroller!!! Somehow, this gave me another one of those moments that said, "Holy chit, we're having a baby!"
Milestones: I finished the summer session of class yesterday! Two more classes (6 credits) and the thesis until I'm done!!!!
How is Daddy? Oh, Tati. He doesn't like it when I poke Baby to try to get him moving, yet he's also a little bummed that Erika has felt Baby move more than he has! He's still brimming over with excitement, and he's dealing with me buying baby things like a champ. A few weeks ago he insisted it was time to buy the blinds for Baby's room. :)
__________________________________
I've had a few posts brewing, and now that school is out, I'm hoping they will make it out of my brain by way of my fingertips on the keyboard. I didn't realize blogging would be so much harder after getting pregnant, though some of that is definitely related to trying to juggle pregnancy and school without enough of a rest. Hopefully things will be a little smoother sailing from here on out, even if only for a few weeks. I'm relishing in this little break. :)
How far along: 18w4d
Total Weight Gain: 10 lbs.
Symptoms: I had a migraine at the start of the week, but it only lasted two days, as opposed to the 5 days they've lasted in previous weeks. This is a small victory. :) I've got more aversions than cravings for sure. I've had some minor heartburn at times, but that's about it for this week. I've turned a sharp corner since about 13-14 weeks.
Stretch Marks: Nope.
Sleep: It's a pretty big production for me to roll over already, so I can only imagine what that means for later weeks, LOL. I'm a huge fan of the Boppy pregnancy pillow we bought, even though I originally thought it was outrageously expensive. Um, it might be worth it's weight in gold right now. Right away, I had issues with the belly feeling unsupported during sleep, and since I've been trying to warm up to sleeping on my left side, I think the pillow has helped that transition significantly.
Best Moment Last Week: I turned Baby by doing a supported bridge on a block (yoga). Feeling Baby do a turn is NUTS. It's intense but crazy fun, all at the same time. I've been feeling the sensation since about 13 weeks or so, about once a week. Craziness.
Movement: Yep! I've been feeling little thumps a lot more in the past 2 weeks. I can't wait until it gets more consistent, though I suspect that my opinion on that might change! :)
Food Cravings: Anything that doesn't sound revolting? I ate a hotdog for breakfast a few days ago b/c that was the only thing even remotely appealing. I'm not all that into sweets, which is really odd for my stress-eating sweet tooth.
What I Miss: Of all things, a mimosa. I'm not a huge drinker, but for some reason, I'd really, really like one.
What am I looking forward to: 10 days until the official reveal! We were told at the NT scan that there were boy parts (we have a picture!), but we've yet to confirm this with another u/s. (The OB's office has a pretty old machine, so there's not much to see when we have an appt.)
The baby shower is Labor Day weekend, and I'm totally stoked! Someone bought our stroller!!! Somehow, this gave me another one of those moments that said, "Holy chit, we're having a baby!"
Milestones: I finished the summer session of class yesterday! Two more classes (6 credits) and the thesis until I'm done!!!!
How is Daddy? Oh, Tati. He doesn't like it when I poke Baby to try to get him moving, yet he's also a little bummed that Erika has felt Baby move more than he has! He's still brimming over with excitement, and he's dealing with me buying baby things like a champ. A few weeks ago he insisted it was time to buy the blinds for Baby's room. :)
__________________________________
I've had a few posts brewing, and now that school is out, I'm hoping they will make it out of my brain by way of my fingertips on the keyboard. I didn't realize blogging would be so much harder after getting pregnant, though some of that is definitely related to trying to juggle pregnancy and school without enough of a rest. Hopefully things will be a little smoother sailing from here on out, even if only for a few weeks. I'm relishing in this little break. :)
22 July 2010
I Say a Little Prayer for You ♥
When I Look to the Sky:
When it rains it pours and opens doors
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't have before
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss
And pick you up in all of this when I sail away
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave
Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
to see me over everything that life may send me
When I am hoping it won't pass me by
And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
there you are to show me
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
18 July 2010
Free Endometrin
Do any out-of-pocketer's need some? I have one full box of 21 inserts and a 2nd box with 10, both 100mg doses. They expire 09/10.
Leave me a comment with your email, and we'll talk. :)
I hope no one minds me doing this again, but I'd rather give these to someone who could use them than toss them, especially given the cost of treatments.
Leave me a comment with your email, and we'll talk. :)
I hope no one minds me doing this again, but I'd rather give these to someone who could use them than toss them, especially given the cost of treatments.
10 July 2010
(((Acupuncture)))
It's no secret that I love going to acupuncture each weekend. I love going into the city on the weekend, visiting the farmer's market or just doing a little shopping in Man.hattan after the appointment. You also know how much I cherish Erika, her quirky tattoos and happy smile.
For the past two sessions, I have loved acupuncture for yet another reason. Last week, Baby had a little dance party during my rest period. He was like a little fish, swirling around in there. This week, Baby flat out went nuts. Before the lights were even down for my rest time, Baby was squirming around in there like a little goober. It was awesome! Rest? Are you kidding me? Baby was MOVING!!! I could barely contain myself. I was seriously tempted to pull out the needle in one of my wrists so that I could put my hand on my belly. Yesterday at Baby Yoga, we had a sub teacher who was telling us to feel the baby's calm energy, a thought I had never pondered before. Baby has energy? Indeed!
It's pretty early for me to be feeling baby, but the more I feel the movements, the more I am certain that's what I feel. I've been feeling them since 11weeks, and I'm almost 14 now. It's not kicks, and I dislike the comparison to butterflies. Sometimes it feels like the the way water ripples when you cause a stir under it, soft underwater waves (hence the flopping fish reference). Today, it felt less ripply and much more flopping fish, LOL. I felt a little random feeling in my lower back and even one closer to my belly button, though most were lower, halfway between my belly button and pelvic bone. I'm pretty sure the few random places confirm that Baby was twisting and twirling in there, wondering what. the. heck. was going on out there. Meanwhile, I couldn't relax for a second, dreaming of what was going on with Baby *in* there and what he might be feeling.
I can't wait until next week, and if TH can't feel the movements this week, he's coming along. He's a wee bit upset that Erika felt the first baby movements on my belly, but I am not so surprised. Clearly Baby likes visiting Erika just as much as I do. ♥
For the past two sessions, I have loved acupuncture for yet another reason. Last week, Baby had a little dance party during my rest period. He was like a little fish, swirling around in there. This week, Baby flat out went nuts. Before the lights were even down for my rest time, Baby was squirming around in there like a little goober. It was awesome! Rest? Are you kidding me? Baby was MOVING!!! I could barely contain myself. I was seriously tempted to pull out the needle in one of my wrists so that I could put my hand on my belly. Yesterday at Baby Yoga, we had a sub teacher who was telling us to feel the baby's calm energy, a thought I had never pondered before. Baby has energy? Indeed!
It's pretty early for me to be feeling baby, but the more I feel the movements, the more I am certain that's what I feel. I've been feeling them since 11weeks, and I'm almost 14 now. It's not kicks, and I dislike the comparison to butterflies. Sometimes it feels like the the way water ripples when you cause a stir under it, soft underwater waves (hence the flopping fish reference). Today, it felt less ripply and much more flopping fish, LOL. I felt a little random feeling in my lower back and even one closer to my belly button, though most were lower, halfway between my belly button and pelvic bone. I'm pretty sure the few random places confirm that Baby was twisting and twirling in there, wondering what. the. heck. was going on out there. Meanwhile, I couldn't relax for a second, dreaming of what was going on with Baby *in* there and what he might be feeling.
I can't wait until next week, and if TH can't feel the movements this week, he's coming along. He's a wee bit upset that Erika felt the first baby movements on my belly, but I am not so surprised. Clearly Baby likes visiting Erika just as much as I do. ♥
07 July 2010
Where's my box?
I was invited to a yoga mommies online group in our neighborhood by the baby yoga teacher. It took her a few weeks to add us newbies, during which time I was grateful for time to adjust. The first emails I received were about nanny shares and local daycare reviews, and I was happily part of the club. It soon started to fade...
There have been threads about post-partum periods returning.
"Mine never came back because I got pregnant with H right away, hehe!"
"I bf until S was 3.5, and it stayed away the whole time."
"BF as birth control doesn't work!"
Then we moved onto the midwife and doula recommendations. We're currently contemplating a doula, so I tuned in on this one, too.
"Home births ROCK! EVERYone should consider one."
"Don't use an OB!! They push their own agendas; mine didn't want me to ______. UGH!"
Next was, "I'm dilated to 4.5 cm and the OB wants me to go to the hospital, but I am NOT DOING PITOCIN AGAIN, so should I go to the hospital or wait it out at home?! HELP, now!"
*headdesk*
I can't. Really, I can't.
I've read posts about this, and I knew one day it would hit me, but I just wasn't prepared. I'm part hippy, but I'm also part science. Hello, science gave me this little one growing inside me. How could I completely turn my back on all things medicine?
I love yoga, believe in being spiritual, am super aware of my body and its balance, and frequent an acupuncturist. I work for transplant docs, work on trials to put new and necessary drugs on the market, love manipulating DNA, and get super excited at visiting an OR (when I'm not the patient). I used to be vegetarian, but I don't go crazy for organics, though I do love farmer's markets. I love the city and the way it makes me focus on simplicity in my home and enriches my life with a million different cultures, but I feel most calm near water and yearn for suburban Michigan summers.
I'm complex...so where's my checkmark going to land in the mommy boxes? I don't want a birth plan because I've learned that we don't get to plan how the baby part of life goes. I've learned to give up all control, find my own way of peace, and roll with the punches. I trust my husband fully, and I know we're in a great partnership to take care of this baby. I'm going to finish my masters right before Baby arrives, and I am so tempted to stay home with Baby that I canceled an interview for a higher position because I'm not ready to close off any options. I want a doula, but I also want access to a great NICU just in case we need it. I drink caffeine, but I won't go near deli meat, even though I just *had* to have a few hotdogs in the first weeks of pregnancy. I like balance, and the pendulum doesn't swing unevenly around these parts. I know my ground.
But most of all, I'm a pregnant infertile. I fight daily to enjoy these days of pregnancy, sometimes not fighting at all and sometimes wrestling like mad. I know what it took to get here, and I will never, ever forget that battle. (How can I when I know we'll probably enter it again?) I don't worry about medical procedures or shots, I don't balk at vaginal ultrasounds, and I don't ever stay silent when someone says something ignorant about infertility. I've learned to live in the present and love Baby fully with fear in my heart during the tough moments. I am proud of my little belly, and I take no shame in touching it. I've earned that loving touch, and I want my baby to feel it whenever the thought crosses my mind.
So where's my box? Where are my companions on this journey because I thought crossing the line was supposed to make me feel less isolated in the real world? Or was that just the idealized version we tell ourselves to get us through the fight?
There have been threads about post-partum periods returning.
"Mine never came back because I got pregnant with H right away, hehe!"
"I bf until S was 3.5, and it stayed away the whole time."
"BF as birth control doesn't work!"
Then we moved onto the midwife and doula recommendations. We're currently contemplating a doula, so I tuned in on this one, too.
"Home births ROCK! EVERYone should consider one."
"Don't use an OB!! They push their own agendas; mine didn't want me to ______. UGH!"
Next was, "I'm dilated to 4.5 cm and the OB wants me to go to the hospital, but I am NOT DOING PITOCIN AGAIN, so should I go to the hospital or wait it out at home?! HELP, now!"
*headdesk*
I can't. Really, I can't.
I've read posts about this, and I knew one day it would hit me, but I just wasn't prepared. I'm part hippy, but I'm also part science. Hello, science gave me this little one growing inside me. How could I completely turn my back on all things medicine?
I love yoga, believe in being spiritual, am super aware of my body and its balance, and frequent an acupuncturist. I work for transplant docs, work on trials to put new and necessary drugs on the market, love manipulating DNA, and get super excited at visiting an OR (when I'm not the patient). I used to be vegetarian, but I don't go crazy for organics, though I do love farmer's markets. I love the city and the way it makes me focus on simplicity in my home and enriches my life with a million different cultures, but I feel most calm near water and yearn for suburban Michigan summers.
I'm complex...so where's my checkmark going to land in the mommy boxes? I don't want a birth plan because I've learned that we don't get to plan how the baby part of life goes. I've learned to give up all control, find my own way of peace, and roll with the punches. I trust my husband fully, and I know we're in a great partnership to take care of this baby. I'm going to finish my masters right before Baby arrives, and I am so tempted to stay home with Baby that I canceled an interview for a higher position because I'm not ready to close off any options. I want a doula, but I also want access to a great NICU just in case we need it. I drink caffeine, but I won't go near deli meat, even though I just *had* to have a few hotdogs in the first weeks of pregnancy. I like balance, and the pendulum doesn't swing unevenly around these parts. I know my ground.
But most of all, I'm a pregnant infertile. I fight daily to enjoy these days of pregnancy, sometimes not fighting at all and sometimes wrestling like mad. I know what it took to get here, and I will never, ever forget that battle. (How can I when I know we'll probably enter it again?) I don't worry about medical procedures or shots, I don't balk at vaginal ultrasounds, and I don't ever stay silent when someone says something ignorant about infertility. I've learned to live in the present and love Baby fully with fear in my heart during the tough moments. I am proud of my little belly, and I take no shame in touching it. I've earned that loving touch, and I want my baby to feel it whenever the thought crosses my mind.
So where's my box? Where are my companions on this journey because I thought crossing the line was supposed to make me feel less isolated in the real world? Or was that just the idealized version we tell ourselves to get us through the fight?
28 June 2010
Small updates
-Today is 12 weeks! I can't believe I've been carrying Baby for 10 weeks now. It seems like it's gone so fast and so slow, all at the same time.
-I've started feeling flutters, which make me happy, happy, happy. I felt them three separate times last week. I can't wait for more!
-My appetite returned this weekend, and it was very much welcomed. I actually had some vegetarian Indian yesterday. I can't tell you the last time I had some spinach.
-I've applied for two jobs in the past week. One is higher position in a different department. It's no longer working with patients and more like managing a decent sized clinical trial. For the right salary, I'd take it, but we'll have to see. I was recommended by someone with a great reputation/impact within the university, and the job has been open for over a month. I think I have a pretty good shot at it, but I'm not sure it's the right fit.
-The reason I'm not set on the above job is that I applied for a part-time position in peds. It's two steps up, so the part-time pay might not be all that far off from my current regular pay. If I could get them to pay for this last semester of school, I'd definitely take it. We've been debating whether or not it's worth it financially for me to stay home after the baby comes. I'd have to go back to work for a few months after, but that's about all we're sure about. I'd be completely willing to start up with the part-time work now, as I've been kind of panicked about writing my thesis, taking the last two classes, getting everything ready for baby, and having some time to relax a little before the baby arrives. When I look back on the past year, it's been insane with school and the treatments. I know I have to finish school (even if I'm dragging some major ass right now about it), but I just want some breathing room. I'm also hating my job and the fact that any paths in front of me have closed. My job was never meant to be a longterm gig, and when the degree is done in December, it will have served it's purpose. So, it will be interesting to see how everything plays out. Now is not an ideal time to be job searching, but these positions have kind of just fallen into my lap.
-Everyone is finding out about baby this week. I told work at our weekly meeting today. A fair amount of the women knew because of getting coverage for treatments, so it wasn't too many people to inform. I was super nervous to tell everyone...how do you say it?! So, I just did and thanked them for all the last minute coverage they had to provide for all my appointments. So, I'm also out of the infertility closet.
-The fam is coming this weekend. They may or may not be staying with us because of The Middle Child's allergies. I'm thrilled to see them, but I'm also wondering if I will be a little overwhelmed as well. We have not been keeping up with the apt as much as we normally do, so there will be a cleaning frenzy this weekend. I get tired super easily, and TH has had bigger tasks than cleaning to take on these past few weekends. The good news is that we're making progress on some outstanding projects. The bad news is the equivalent of the state of our "white" tub.
-The cat is coming out of the bag about Baby this week. ♥♥♥ It's such a relief to be able to share the excitement, and it gets me excited all over again each time. As if I needed help.
-I'm collecting the guesses on whether Baby is a boy or a girl, and EVERYone thinks we're having a girl. Only TH and I think boy. Well, Erika has joined us, as she's trusting my instincts. Every time to imagine us with a girl, boy stuff just pops up instead. I can't "see" the girl in my mind, but boy things come easily and aplenty. It goes without saying that we're happy either way, though I sat through a LOVELY conversation in which I walked away after some annoying old man tried to lecture me about this. Save the lecture, my friend. It's not one you need to give us. But anyway, I'm having a super time hearing everyone's guesses and their reasons for it. I had to bare the belly at a BBQ Sat night (during said annoying lecture, actually) for an aunt to give her opinion. Play the game, folks! But if you ever express disappointment, tread lightly!
-NT scan on Friday. Our next OB appt is two weeks after that, so we're doing great with getting me to only have to wait a few weeks between u/s. For that, I am thankful.
And, I'll leave you with the internet unveiling of my uterus, happily filled.
-I've started feeling flutters, which make me happy, happy, happy. I felt them three separate times last week. I can't wait for more!
-My appetite returned this weekend, and it was very much welcomed. I actually had some vegetarian Indian yesterday. I can't tell you the last time I had some spinach.
-I've applied for two jobs in the past week. One is higher position in a different department. It's no longer working with patients and more like managing a decent sized clinical trial. For the right salary, I'd take it, but we'll have to see. I was recommended by someone with a great reputation/impact within the university, and the job has been open for over a month. I think I have a pretty good shot at it, but I'm not sure it's the right fit.
-The reason I'm not set on the above job is that I applied for a part-time position in peds. It's two steps up, so the part-time pay might not be all that far off from my current regular pay. If I could get them to pay for this last semester of school, I'd definitely take it. We've been debating whether or not it's worth it financially for me to stay home after the baby comes. I'd have to go back to work for a few months after, but that's about all we're sure about. I'd be completely willing to start up with the part-time work now, as I've been kind of panicked about writing my thesis, taking the last two classes, getting everything ready for baby, and having some time to relax a little before the baby arrives. When I look back on the past year, it's been insane with school and the treatments. I know I have to finish school (even if I'm dragging some major ass right now about it), but I just want some breathing room. I'm also hating my job and the fact that any paths in front of me have closed. My job was never meant to be a longterm gig, and when the degree is done in December, it will have served it's purpose. So, it will be interesting to see how everything plays out. Now is not an ideal time to be job searching, but these positions have kind of just fallen into my lap.
-Everyone is finding out about baby this week. I told work at our weekly meeting today. A fair amount of the women knew because of getting coverage for treatments, so it wasn't too many people to inform. I was super nervous to tell everyone...how do you say it?! So, I just did and thanked them for all the last minute coverage they had to provide for all my appointments. So, I'm also out of the infertility closet.
-The fam is coming this weekend. They may or may not be staying with us because of The Middle Child's allergies. I'm thrilled to see them, but I'm also wondering if I will be a little overwhelmed as well. We have not been keeping up with the apt as much as we normally do, so there will be a cleaning frenzy this weekend. I get tired super easily, and TH has had bigger tasks than cleaning to take on these past few weekends. The good news is that we're making progress on some outstanding projects. The bad news is the equivalent of the state of our "white" tub.
-The cat is coming out of the bag about Baby this week. ♥♥♥ It's such a relief to be able to share the excitement, and it gets me excited all over again each time. As if I needed help.
-I'm collecting the guesses on whether Baby is a boy or a girl, and EVERYone thinks we're having a girl. Only TH and I think boy. Well, Erika has joined us, as she's trusting my instincts. Every time to imagine us with a girl, boy stuff just pops up instead. I can't "see" the girl in my mind, but boy things come easily and aplenty. It goes without saying that we're happy either way, though I sat through a LOVELY conversation in which I walked away after some annoying old man tried to lecture me about this. Save the lecture, my friend. It's not one you need to give us. But anyway, I'm having a super time hearing everyone's guesses and their reasons for it. I had to bare the belly at a BBQ Sat night (during said annoying lecture, actually) for an aunt to give her opinion. Play the game, folks! But if you ever express disappointment, tread lightly!
-NT scan on Friday. Our next OB appt is two weeks after that, so we're doing great with getting me to only have to wait a few weeks between u/s. For that, I am thankful.
And, I'll leave you with the internet unveiling of my uterus, happily filled.
27 June 2010
What I Love About Sundays
Bedtime soon, so let's cut to the chase:
1. My appetite! Oh, it has been so long since I have seen and felt you. So glad you made an appearance on the day that held fresh, grilled mititei. Nom.
2. Throwing up sans nausea. Kind of cool and WAY better than constant nausea. TH also inherited the one remaining knish.
3. Three hour naps. Need I say more?
4. Tomorrow is my last class for this summer session! The final is on Wednesday, and I am so ready for a break, even if it's only a week.
5. Sleepy kitties. Jones accosted me for some loving about 15 minutes ago and then promptly crashed on the couch. She's to my right, passed out with her legs all out in front of her, and Smith is on my left, curled up in a ball on his favorite pillow. Love.
6. Telling teenage boys they are going to be uncles. Super cute. Roberto, 16, gives about the same amount of emotion and dialogue as a stone statue these days, but the huge smile was apparent through his voice. (He's the one famous for the comment about not wanting me to have babies yet b/c he was unemployed and thus would only be able to buy the baby socks.) The Middle Child, 13, has already determined that the baby is a girl, as per some movie he watched, which he will show me upon their arrival later this week, because more girls are born in January. I have no idea how he pulled that out of his ass, but I suspect he'll show/tell me next weekend, as promised. The Middle Child is also The Talker. Mom apparently asked each of them what I told them after they were done talking to me: Roberto said I was buying him a new car, and The Middle Child told her I was taking him to a Yankee game. Goobers.
7. The fam is visiting for the holiday weekend, and The Belle, 12, is more than likely staying with us. The Middle Child has wicked cat allergies, so I think everyone else will stay at the nearby hotel. I can't wait for sister time. We're both craving it.
So, what's going to carry you into a hot and sweaty Monday morning? What was great about your week(end)?
1. My appetite! Oh, it has been so long since I have seen and felt you. So glad you made an appearance on the day that held fresh, grilled mititei. Nom.
2. Throwing up sans nausea. Kind of cool and WAY better than constant nausea. TH also inherited the one remaining knish.
3. Three hour naps. Need I say more?
4. Tomorrow is my last class for this summer session! The final is on Wednesday, and I am so ready for a break, even if it's only a week.
5. Sleepy kitties. Jones accosted me for some loving about 15 minutes ago and then promptly crashed on the couch. She's to my right, passed out with her legs all out in front of her, and Smith is on my left, curled up in a ball on his favorite pillow. Love.
6. Telling teenage boys they are going to be uncles. Super cute. Roberto, 16, gives about the same amount of emotion and dialogue as a stone statue these days, but the huge smile was apparent through his voice. (He's the one famous for the comment about not wanting me to have babies yet b/c he was unemployed and thus would only be able to buy the baby socks.) The Middle Child, 13, has already determined that the baby is a girl, as per some movie he watched, which he will show me upon their arrival later this week, because more girls are born in January. I have no idea how he pulled that out of his ass, but I suspect he'll show/tell me next weekend, as promised. The Middle Child is also The Talker. Mom apparently asked each of them what I told them after they were done talking to me: Roberto said I was buying him a new car, and The Middle Child told her I was taking him to a Yankee game. Goobers.
7. The fam is visiting for the holiday weekend, and The Belle, 12, is more than likely staying with us. The Middle Child has wicked cat allergies, so I think everyone else will stay at the nearby hotel. I can't wait for sister time. We're both craving it.
So, what's going to carry you into a hot and sweaty Monday morning? What was great about your week(end)?
23 June 2010
An Ergo Saves the Day
TH and I got wind of a babysteals.com Ergo sale last night. (Thanks, Susan!♥) Up until this point, we've bought the onesies I bought in honor of our lost babies, with one for Baby, and a toddler size Mexico t-shirt from vacation. Only in the past week have I really started looking at baby stuff, and on Saturday, when TH took me into the city for acupuncture, I had him wander around Babies R Us to get an idea of what baby stuff looks like. (TH has only really been around our nephew, and he's only been around a little over a year. I've helped my mom raise my three siblings and babysat for countless cousins, so I'm a little more acquainted in the baby department.)
So, back to said Ergo. The baby yoga teacher (who is also a doula, just to throw that in for later) recently recommended Ergos for moms because they disperse the weight of the baby to our hips. TH and I discussed this two weeks ago, and he was on board. I just figured it would make it onto our registry when the time comes. (Are we there yet?!) But the babysteals deal was too good to resist, and we will be the proud owners of an Ergo probably by next week.
Holy chit. I just bought a baby carrier b/c we're going to be baby wearers! :D :D :D Wheeeeeeeeeee!
TH has been eager to baby wear for a LONG time. In one tiny little way, the babe just became even more real to us. ♥
So, back to said Ergo. The baby yoga teacher (who is also a doula, just to throw that in for later) recently recommended Ergos for moms because they disperse the weight of the baby to our hips. TH and I discussed this two weeks ago, and he was on board. I just figured it would make it onto our registry when the time comes. (Are we there yet?!) But the babysteals deal was too good to resist, and we will be the proud owners of an Ergo probably by next week.
Holy chit. I just bought a baby carrier b/c we're going to be baby wearers! :D :D :D Wheeeeeeeeeee!
TH has been eager to baby wear for a LONG time. In one tiny little way, the babe just became even more real to us. ♥
21 June 2010
Welcome, ICLW!
It's been a few months since I did an ICLW, but I thought I should get out there again and find some new blogs to follow.
A little intro: I'm 26 (27 next month!) and have been married to TH since late 2007. He's Romanian, I'm from the midwest, and we live in our awesome apt in NYC. We bought last year, and I LOVE having our own home.
Our TTC journey is to your right, but in a nutshell, I have endo and it took us two years, 3 chemicals, 3 IUIs and 2 IVFs to get pregnant. And, as it stands, I'm 11 weeks today. We were released from the RE at 9 weeks, and our first OB appt is on Thursday. We're currently debating a doula, but TH is not completely convinced (that's a later post). I've been feeling the pretty crappy 1st tri symptoms, but this weekend took it to a new level. I'm hoping that the first tri just wants to go out with a bang. ;)
I'm referring to the baby as "he" because in Romanian, "baby" is a male noun. I just like that better than calling the baby an "it" all the time. :) I also think the baby is a boy, so it feels just fine rolling off my tongue.
I've recently been grappling with being a pregnant infertile. This seems to be getting easier with time, but sometimes it just jumps up and shocks me. I'm trying to work through it as quickly as I can so that I can enjoy being pregnant as much as I can. I keep hearing a little whisper that I may never have these days again, so I'm bound and determined to be present for them.
So, that's the abbreviated version of the blog. Nice to "see" you, and hopefully you'll stay and play! :D
A little intro: I'm 26 (27 next month!) and have been married to TH since late 2007. He's Romanian, I'm from the midwest, and we live in our awesome apt in NYC. We bought last year, and I LOVE having our own home.
Our TTC journey is to your right, but in a nutshell, I have endo and it took us two years, 3 chemicals, 3 IUIs and 2 IVFs to get pregnant. And, as it stands, I'm 11 weeks today. We were released from the RE at 9 weeks, and our first OB appt is on Thursday. We're currently debating a doula, but TH is not completely convinced (that's a later post). I've been feeling the pretty crappy 1st tri symptoms, but this weekend took it to a new level. I'm hoping that the first tri just wants to go out with a bang. ;)
I'm referring to the baby as "he" because in Romanian, "baby" is a male noun. I just like that better than calling the baby an "it" all the time. :) I also think the baby is a boy, so it feels just fine rolling off my tongue.
I've recently been grappling with being a pregnant infertile. This seems to be getting easier with time, but sometimes it just jumps up and shocks me. I'm trying to work through it as quickly as I can so that I can enjoy being pregnant as much as I can. I keep hearing a little whisper that I may never have these days again, so I'm bound and determined to be present for them.
So, that's the abbreviated version of the blog. Nice to "see" you, and hopefully you'll stay and play! :D
20 June 2010
What I Love About Sundays
Where do I start? This weekend was lame-o if you're me, but if you're TH, MIL or FIL, it was highly productive...in our apt. Friday night started out great with baby yoga and my favorite baby-approved sushi. But, it quickly turned ugly when I bent over in the bathroom to touch Jones and tossed my sushi cookies. :( And thus, the weekend did NOT go well for me.
I woke up throwing up again Sat morning and literally counted down until Erika. She helped, but the car ride home was very unhelpful. I ended up taking a 3 hour nap while MIL tidied and cleaned, and FIL and TH did some minor patches around the apt. They put up the shelves I've been accumulating since about February, and it absolutely made my day.
Today was more of the same; I woke up at 9.30am, woke TH up so he could watch the World Cup game, and then fell asleep for another 3 hour nap by about 10.30. TH and FIL did more chores around the house while I vegged on the couch. I was feeling better so we went to Homegoods for a few much needed shelf items. (Yes, much needed.) We rounded it out with dinner at the restaurant where we had our wedding reception. And, now I'm effing beat.
So, without further adieu, here's the list:
1. My over-the-desk shelves. Love, love, love. The shelf brackets (slightly Summer B inspired) came out fantastic with a little green apple spray paint.
2. MIL She freaking cleaned while I slept. Did I mention the woman cleans for a living? She means business.
3. A good phone call with my dad. Since the dreadful day he was taken to the hospital in February, my dad has seemed to return to his old self. He'd been depressed for quite some time now (since my gramma passed away), and it seems like he's returned to his happier, softer self. It makes me happy. He's also pretty happy with our good news. He almost leaked the secret today at my grampa's, but he said he talked himself out of it. It's kind of cute the whole family is having a hard time keeping a lid on it, too.
4. Eves. Do you have one of those friends that just makes you laugh and brings smiles to everyone's face with their antics and stories? That's her. I changed her ringer on my phone to The Entertainer this weekend. :) If Baby is a girl, she will possibly be named after Auntie Eves somehow because she's how TH and I met. I'm not sure she remembers this yet, but it will be fun if it comes to a reality.
5. The SMT's gold shorts. Saw the pictures, love. You rocked 'em. :)
6. TH. Have I mentioned how freaking awesome he is? I woke up from part of today's nap to him sitting on the bed next to me, reading the pregnancy book. He's since told me that Baby is doing fantastic b/c I feel like such shit; smoothies are excellent sources of vitamin C, which will help prevent spider veins (???); melons are good for me to eat; and that the baby will start to sign back to us around 7 mos old. (He's TOTALLY into Baby Sign Language, so I got him his own book for Almost Father's Day today.) He's seriously the best.
So, my headache is coming back. Any suggestions for how to get rid of it? Tylenol isn't very helpful. I'm off to bed (and will sneak in my homework assignment during work tomorrow!) Sweet dreams, and don't forget to leave a note about what's going to carry you into Monday morning.
I woke up throwing up again Sat morning and literally counted down until Erika. She helped, but the car ride home was very unhelpful. I ended up taking a 3 hour nap while MIL tidied and cleaned, and FIL and TH did some minor patches around the apt. They put up the shelves I've been accumulating since about February, and it absolutely made my day.
Today was more of the same; I woke up at 9.30am, woke TH up so he could watch the World Cup game, and then fell asleep for another 3 hour nap by about 10.30. TH and FIL did more chores around the house while I vegged on the couch. I was feeling better so we went to Homegoods for a few much needed shelf items. (Yes, much needed.) We rounded it out with dinner at the restaurant where we had our wedding reception. And, now I'm effing beat.
So, without further adieu, here's the list:
1. My over-the-desk shelves. Love, love, love. The shelf brackets (slightly Summer B inspired) came out fantastic with a little green apple spray paint.
2. MIL She freaking cleaned while I slept. Did I mention the woman cleans for a living? She means business.
3. A good phone call with my dad. Since the dreadful day he was taken to the hospital in February, my dad has seemed to return to his old self. He'd been depressed for quite some time now (since my gramma passed away), and it seems like he's returned to his happier, softer self. It makes me happy. He's also pretty happy with our good news. He almost leaked the secret today at my grampa's, but he said he talked himself out of it. It's kind of cute the whole family is having a hard time keeping a lid on it, too.
4. Eves. Do you have one of those friends that just makes you laugh and brings smiles to everyone's face with their antics and stories? That's her. I changed her ringer on my phone to The Entertainer this weekend. :) If Baby is a girl, she will possibly be named after Auntie Eves somehow because she's how TH and I met. I'm not sure she remembers this yet, but it will be fun if it comes to a reality.
5. The SMT's gold shorts. Saw the pictures, love. You rocked 'em. :)
6. TH. Have I mentioned how freaking awesome he is? I woke up from part of today's nap to him sitting on the bed next to me, reading the pregnancy book. He's since told me that Baby is doing fantastic b/c I feel like such shit; smoothies are excellent sources of vitamin C, which will help prevent spider veins (???); melons are good for me to eat; and that the baby will start to sign back to us around 7 mos old. (He's TOTALLY into Baby Sign Language, so I got him his own book for Almost Father's Day today.) He's seriously the best.
So, my headache is coming back. Any suggestions for how to get rid of it? Tylenol isn't very helpful. I'm off to bed (and will sneak in my homework assignment during work tomorrow!) Sweet dreams, and don't forget to leave a note about what's going to carry you into Monday morning.
19 June 2010
Need Menopur?
I have 3 extra (unopened) vials that I would love to send off to someone who has to pay for meds. They expire in 2011, so I have no chance of using them. Leave me a comment if you're interested!
XO
XO
16 June 2010
I'm a Pregnant Infertile
***For those of you fighting the fight, you're probably not going to like this post or some others I have up my sleeve. Do me a favor, though, please. Tuck it in your back pocket for when you've found your sticky bean and are stumbling around a bit. I'm going to label applicable posts as "IFPregnancy". I suspect these posts might be helpful when you need them, as I've found a few that have made me feel less alone and frustrated with myself.
____________________________
I've been silent lately because I've been undergoing an internal wrestling match. It's not often I can't find the words, but until late last week, they had vanished, gone from thin air. The emotions are full-force, but squeezing the words out of them? Impossible.
There are many moments of happiness. Baby (pre-natal) yoga makes me beam. When TH saddles me up for belly pics on Sunday nights and then puts the first TWO into a movie so he can watch me grow, my love for him and Baby bursts through my chest. When I hold the little polk-a-dot onesie I bought in a pack of three, a few for the babies we lost, and the one with the dots for this new baby I hoped we'd get to meet, I am happy in the way I longed for. I imagine wriggling Baby, who just a few weeks ago was the size of one of those dots, into this seemingly HUGE cotton number.
But there are other moments when I am a pregnant woman walking in the shoes of an infertile who cannot leave her soul. I *knew* I would never be the same after all the trauma we just went through. What I didn't know was that the feelings I had would continue to come up even once the fight was over. I thought my attitude toward things would be different, unable to return to some of the carefree aspects I enjoyed before we began trying. But it's not just that. The feelings of infertility can arise so quickly, so remarkably, that I become The Angry Infertile in a matter of seconds. But aren't I pregnant? Aren't I supposed to be relishing in every moment, the way I dreamed it would be to get me through the tears of disappointment that I shed for so many months?
It's wonderful, but it's not all the sunshine and roses I hoped I could make it. When I think of little, individual pieces of the baby I love so dearly, I am happy. When I think about the big picture, how many weeks we have to go, what will happen at our first OB appointment next week, how to handle the NT scan, etc, etc, etc, I start to panic. I feel like a fraud, living the life of a pregnant woman. I revert to my IF trick of shortening my timeframe, and things are magically better. If I only have to worry about today's nausea and tomorrow's homework, I don't have a reason to focus on all the things that could go wrong or might be taken away from me.
I also get overwhelmed by the happiness of the baby as a whole, and this took a very tearful therapy session to draw out. She helped me realize that I experienced over two years of sadness, deep sadness. How can I expect to let in all this happiness after only 9 weeks? I need to be patient, but it's HARD to be patient when you just want to let all the happiness in. Bizarre, no? I don't know that I'll ever get to carry a baby again, and I want to enjoy every single day that I can. I find myself frustrated when the fears make an appearance because I don't want them here; they are no longer welcome in my heart. But I'm re-learning that there are things about yourself you don't get to choose, no matter how much you want them to be true, and that includes simple ideas like feeling happy all the time, even though you want to be.
If I sound like I'm all over the place and my thoughts aren't very focused, it's true. I'm at war with how I'm feeling and how I *want* to be feeling, and it's a harder place to be than I expected. There's also this crazy hormonal aspect that can make normal things that would normally be fine blow wildly out of proportion. (Seriously, TH is a Champ. How'd I get so fabulously lucky with this man?) I've learned that sometimes you just have to let it all flow out, even if you don't want to be feeling a certain way...you ARE.
The more I write this, the more I realize that expectations seem to have been my problem lately. I thought I had cured myself of expectations, but I'm apparently still faulty in some aspects. I'm continuing to "be where I am", regardless of whether or not that's happy, sad, hormonally raging, or tearfully full of love. When things get a little crazy or "unexpected", I need to remember to focus on this little one growing inside me. That's the one thing that can always bring the turmoil back to calm. And it can all change in an instant, and I mean that in a good way.
My mom just emailed me, "Dear Kim and baby". And there the happiness is, abounding.
____________________________
I've been silent lately because I've been undergoing an internal wrestling match. It's not often I can't find the words, but until late last week, they had vanished, gone from thin air. The emotions are full-force, but squeezing the words out of them? Impossible.
There are many moments of happiness. Baby (pre-natal) yoga makes me beam. When TH saddles me up for belly pics on Sunday nights and then puts the first TWO into a movie so he can watch me grow, my love for him and Baby bursts through my chest. When I hold the little polk-a-dot onesie I bought in a pack of three, a few for the babies we lost, and the one with the dots for this new baby I hoped we'd get to meet, I am happy in the way I longed for. I imagine wriggling Baby, who just a few weeks ago was the size of one of those dots, into this seemingly HUGE cotton number.
But there are other moments when I am a pregnant woman walking in the shoes of an infertile who cannot leave her soul. I *knew* I would never be the same after all the trauma we just went through. What I didn't know was that the feelings I had would continue to come up even once the fight was over. I thought my attitude toward things would be different, unable to return to some of the carefree aspects I enjoyed before we began trying. But it's not just that. The feelings of infertility can arise so quickly, so remarkably, that I become The Angry Infertile in a matter of seconds. But aren't I pregnant? Aren't I supposed to be relishing in every moment, the way I dreamed it would be to get me through the tears of disappointment that I shed for so many months?
It's wonderful, but it's not all the sunshine and roses I hoped I could make it. When I think of little, individual pieces of the baby I love so dearly, I am happy. When I think about the big picture, how many weeks we have to go, what will happen at our first OB appointment next week, how to handle the NT scan, etc, etc, etc, I start to panic. I feel like a fraud, living the life of a pregnant woman. I revert to my IF trick of shortening my timeframe, and things are magically better. If I only have to worry about today's nausea and tomorrow's homework, I don't have a reason to focus on all the things that could go wrong or might be taken away from me.
I also get overwhelmed by the happiness of the baby as a whole, and this took a very tearful therapy session to draw out. She helped me realize that I experienced over two years of sadness, deep sadness. How can I expect to let in all this happiness after only 9 weeks? I need to be patient, but it's HARD to be patient when you just want to let all the happiness in. Bizarre, no? I don't know that I'll ever get to carry a baby again, and I want to enjoy every single day that I can. I find myself frustrated when the fears make an appearance because I don't want them here; they are no longer welcome in my heart. But I'm re-learning that there are things about yourself you don't get to choose, no matter how much you want them to be true, and that includes simple ideas like feeling happy all the time, even though you want to be.
If I sound like I'm all over the place and my thoughts aren't very focused, it's true. I'm at war with how I'm feeling and how I *want* to be feeling, and it's a harder place to be than I expected. There's also this crazy hormonal aspect that can make normal things that would normally be fine blow wildly out of proportion. (Seriously, TH is a Champ. How'd I get so fabulously lucky with this man?) I've learned that sometimes you just have to let it all flow out, even if you don't want to be feeling a certain way...you ARE.
The more I write this, the more I realize that expectations seem to have been my problem lately. I thought I had cured myself of expectations, but I'm apparently still faulty in some aspects. I'm continuing to "be where I am", regardless of whether or not that's happy, sad, hormonally raging, or tearfully full of love. When things get a little crazy or "unexpected", I need to remember to focus on this little one growing inside me. That's the one thing that can always bring the turmoil back to calm. And it can all change in an instant, and I mean that in a good way.
My mom just emailed me, "Dear Kim and baby". And there the happiness is, abounding.
06 June 2010
What I Love About Sundays
Without further adieu...
1. New purple Black.berries. They are even more awesome when they are practically free! I was in desperate need of a new one but too cheap to shell out the money, so this little exchange worked well.
2. Pre-natal yoga. Effing awesome. All weekend, TH has thrown in a "push your baby forward" just to see my silly grin.
3. Converse dresses at Target. Super comfy and only $20. I'm pretty excited for some comfy dresses.
4. TH found dress pants. Thank the Lord. If I had to do one more shopping trip for flat front, nice material that's part wool dress pants, it might have gotten ugly. It was only 1/4 pickiness and 3/4 chitty fit. )))hips of any kind(((
5. Easy summer classes. I'm not having to do nearly as much work for this class as I had to for the other ones I've had in the last two semesters.
6. Last one, and it's a big brag. My GPA is freaking awesome, *especially* when you consider that for the entire time I've been in this program, we've been doing treatments. I had thought this semester was going to be a disaster, but it turned out beautifully. I kind of hate school right now (I feel like there will be little stress-free, schedule-free time to just enjoy life and pregnancy before Baby comes), so I needed this boost this week to remind me that my hard work is paying off in numerous ways.
7. Ok, the real last one. My mom, step-dad and the kids are coming for the 4th! I can't wait to see The Belle!!! :D :D :D
So, what's going to carry you into Monday during tomorrow's commute? What'll make you fight off the urge to head straight for the beach and sunny pastures?
1. New purple Black.berries. They are even more awesome when they are practically free! I was in desperate need of a new one but too cheap to shell out the money, so this little exchange worked well.
2. Pre-natal yoga. Effing awesome. All weekend, TH has thrown in a "push your baby forward" just to see my silly grin.
3. Converse dresses at Target. Super comfy and only $20. I'm pretty excited for some comfy dresses.
4. TH found dress pants. Thank the Lord. If I had to do one more shopping trip for flat front, nice material that's part wool dress pants, it might have gotten ugly. It was only 1/4 pickiness and 3/4 chitty fit. )))hips of any kind(((
5. Easy summer classes. I'm not having to do nearly as much work for this class as I had to for the other ones I've had in the last two semesters.
6. Last one, and it's a big brag. My GPA is freaking awesome, *especially* when you consider that for the entire time I've been in this program, we've been doing treatments. I had thought this semester was going to be a disaster, but it turned out beautifully. I kind of hate school right now (I feel like there will be little stress-free, schedule-free time to just enjoy life and pregnancy before Baby comes), so I needed this boost this week to remind me that my hard work is paying off in numerous ways.
7. Ok, the real last one. My mom, step-dad and the kids are coming for the 4th! I can't wait to see The Belle!!! :D :D :D
So, what's going to carry you into Monday during tomorrow's commute? What'll make you fight off the urge to head straight for the beach and sunny pastures?
05 June 2010
In which we discuss pre-natal yoga
All day, I was so excited to go to this pre-natal class at my favorite studio. I gave yoga up when I started my current job almost 2 years ago because the hours were too long. Soon after that is when The Year of Sickness began, surgeries, then treatments, then school. You know how this story goes. And the untold part of it is that I turned against my body, saw it as weak, and gave up the single most thing that made me love my body more than anything else. Punishment? I can't be sure, but it was something like that.
At the start of IVF#2, I went to a yoga class at my favorite studio. I felt fantastic, just as I always do. I thought I'd keep going, but stims got in the way. Perhaps you remember transfer day and how happy I was to see my favorite yoga teacher and how she was like a glowing omen for me that day?
So, all day, I waited for this class. I showed up an hour early b/c I was so worried about getting there on time that I mixed up the start time of the class. I occupied myself with my book at a local (bad) cafe, and finally it was time.
When I went back up to the studio, I sat in the hallway with my book because the door was closed. A young woman with a very round but not over-baked belly came up the stairs. The doubt began to creep in. I puffed my tummy out just a tad. What the hell was I doing there? This class is for PREGNANT women. Really pregnant women. I don't even have a belly that can't be debated for bloat!
No, no, no. I started the mental coaching. We moved into the studio, and it began to look like it might just be me and little miss with the big belly. She was nice, friendly, and clearly new to the city. I was trying to breathe and just allow myself to be there while internally wondering where the hell my belly was.
Two more joined us; one who looked about to pop (great!) and another with the tiniest little bump I've ever seen. Awesome. Pre-natal yoga and I'm belliless. What the hell was I thinking?? *puff* I belong here, too! See!
The teacher was a little quirky but fun. She had us start out by saying our names, how far along we are, who we've "got in there", how we were feeling that week, and what we're afraid of. (What we're afraid of? Lady, we don't have the TIME.)
But something happened when she got to me. When I said my 8 weeks and 4 days (to 30 and 28 weeks), she cheered. She didn't blink. She didn't wonder. She didn't give any indication that she doubted my baby or my reason for being there. Well then...
We moved on and got started with some breathing. As soon as we started the poses, something magical happened, as I suspected it would. She told us to suck our babies in, push them out, point them at the door. Tears rolled down my cheeks. Push my baby forward. My baby. My baby was just as much of a baby as those bigger ones. There was no order for the real pregnant ladies to push their babies forward. She meant us, too.
I love this baby. I talk to this baby all the time, and I dream about this baby and the life we'll give him. I worry about Baby, but I also celebrate Baby. But this woman, this random woman who wouldn't have known we did IVF if I hadn't told her, told me what to do with my baby. She told me to pull my baby in. So I did.
At the start of IVF#2, I went to a yoga class at my favorite studio. I felt fantastic, just as I always do. I thought I'd keep going, but stims got in the way. Perhaps you remember transfer day and how happy I was to see my favorite yoga teacher and how she was like a glowing omen for me that day?
So, all day, I waited for this class. I showed up an hour early b/c I was so worried about getting there on time that I mixed up the start time of the class. I occupied myself with my book at a local (bad) cafe, and finally it was time.
When I went back up to the studio, I sat in the hallway with my book because the door was closed. A young woman with a very round but not over-baked belly came up the stairs. The doubt began to creep in. I puffed my tummy out just a tad. What the hell was I doing there? This class is for PREGNANT women. Really pregnant women. I don't even have a belly that can't be debated for bloat!
No, no, no. I started the mental coaching. We moved into the studio, and it began to look like it might just be me and little miss with the big belly. She was nice, friendly, and clearly new to the city. I was trying to breathe and just allow myself to be there while internally wondering where the hell my belly was.
Two more joined us; one who looked about to pop (great!) and another with the tiniest little bump I've ever seen. Awesome. Pre-natal yoga and I'm belliless. What the hell was I thinking?? *puff* I belong here, too! See!
The teacher was a little quirky but fun. She had us start out by saying our names, how far along we are, who we've "got in there", how we were feeling that week, and what we're afraid of. (What we're afraid of? Lady, we don't have the TIME.)
But something happened when she got to me. When I said my 8 weeks and 4 days (to 30 and 28 weeks), she cheered. She didn't blink. She didn't wonder. She didn't give any indication that she doubted my baby or my reason for being there. Well then...
We moved on and got started with some breathing. As soon as we started the poses, something magical happened, as I suspected it would. She told us to suck our babies in, push them out, point them at the door. Tears rolled down my cheeks. Push my baby forward. My baby. My baby was just as much of a baby as those bigger ones. There was no order for the real pregnant ladies to push their babies forward. She meant us, too.
I love this baby. I talk to this baby all the time, and I dream about this baby and the life we'll give him. I worry about Baby, but I also celebrate Baby. But this woman, this random woman who wouldn't have known we did IVF if I hadn't told her, told me what to do with my baby. She told me to pull my baby in. So I did.
31 May 2010
What I Love About Sundays: Long Weekend Edition
Hiya ladies! I hope you all are enjoying your long weekends, which have hopefully been filled with many a grilled burger and lawn chair. We hosted a small BBQ for TH's family on Saturday, and we told SIL, BIL, the aunt, and the uncle about Baby. It went over surprisingly well (SIL and BIL are not known for their well-placed comments), though I still feel the worst is yet to come. TH did the honors, but he didn't quite announce the IVF factor. I suspect SIL is going to have a pile of questions for him.I also talked to one of my aunts yesterday, and it turns out a family member with whom I did NOT share our infertility woes with asked my aunt if she knew how our last treatment went. *insert stern face here* I suspect I know who the loud mouthed culprit is (someone I didn't tell but I think knew from another source). If I weren't pregnant and typing this out, I'd be reeling. I will admit, I'm pretty irritated, but I'm trying to just let it go. If the whole family knows, they are actually doing a good job by knowing not to ask us about it. Small blessing?
Let's get on to the good stuff. What's going to round out your holiday weekend, the unofficial start to summer, and help you glide into a short (but still annoying) work week?
1. Cheeseburgers fresh from the grill. Is there any better bbq food? I'm not so sure. I had to pass on my favorite Romanian sausages (unheard of), but the burgers TH cooked up were fantastic. I'm pretty glad we're headed to another bbq today, hamburger meat in tow. (((beef)))
2. 8 weeks and an u/s tomorrow. I think we might actually be released to an OB tomorrow. Kind of shocking, really effing awesome.
3. MIL and FIL. Even if TH and I are having a mild battle about him going over there frequently, they are simply great. We came home from Mexico to a clean kitchen (she wiped down the inside of the dish washer!) and a closet full of washed and ironed TH dress shirts. She feeds the kittehs while we're gone, and she sometimes can't help herself. I learned early, with some help from my mom, that if she wants to do stuff in our house, LET HER. And thus, I rejoiced at the ironed shirts!
4. Mamina (Romanian grandmas). TH told them this week, and their response was the sweetest yet. MIL showed up to the bbq yesterday armed with 3 rounds of kisses from Romania. ♥
5. The promise of a girls' weekend. The SMT and I seem to be going rogue this coming weekend. I hope everything works out b/c I can't wait!
6. Gorgeous weather. I don't dig being hot right now, but I prefer this to rain any day (unless it's a thunderstorm and I'm inside!) Sunshine just fits my mood these days.
7. These shoes in cream. I think they are going to be great with pants for work this summer. We had an impromptu outlet trip (any ideas on stores to get TH some new dress pants? Banana and Brooks Brothers were a definite bust.), and these shoes will look super cute with a few summer cardigans I bought.
8. Does that picture need any explanation? *le sigh* Maybe more to come, if you're good. ;)
Let's get on to the good stuff. What's going to round out your holiday weekend, the unofficial start to summer, and help you glide into a short (but still annoying) work week?
1. Cheeseburgers fresh from the grill. Is there any better bbq food? I'm not so sure. I had to pass on my favorite Romanian sausages (unheard of), but the burgers TH cooked up were fantastic. I'm pretty glad we're headed to another bbq today, hamburger meat in tow. (((beef)))
2. 8 weeks and an u/s tomorrow. I think we might actually be released to an OB tomorrow. Kind of shocking, really effing awesome.
3. MIL and FIL. Even if TH and I are having a mild battle about him going over there frequently, they are simply great. We came home from Mexico to a clean kitchen (she wiped down the inside of the dish washer!) and a closet full of washed and ironed TH dress shirts. She feeds the kittehs while we're gone, and she sometimes can't help herself. I learned early, with some help from my mom, that if she wants to do stuff in our house, LET HER. And thus, I rejoiced at the ironed shirts!
4. Mamina (Romanian grandmas). TH told them this week, and their response was the sweetest yet. MIL showed up to the bbq yesterday armed with 3 rounds of kisses from Romania. ♥
5. The promise of a girls' weekend. The SMT and I seem to be going rogue this coming weekend. I hope everything works out b/c I can't wait!
6. Gorgeous weather. I don't dig being hot right now, but I prefer this to rain any day (unless it's a thunderstorm and I'm inside!) Sunshine just fits my mood these days.
7. These shoes in cream. I think they are going to be great with pants for work this summer. We had an impromptu outlet trip (any ideas on stores to get TH some new dress pants? Banana and Brooks Brothers were a definite bust.), and these shoes will look super cute with a few summer cardigans I bought.
8. Does that picture need any explanation? *le sigh* Maybe more to come, if you're good. ;)
25 May 2010
We're back!
Quick check-in, since I'm really busy at work and will have quite a bit of homework later tonight from my new class.
Vacation was fantastic; very relaxing and enjoyable. We got used to having Baby hang out with us. :)
We had an u/s and some bloodwork this morning, and I'm 7 wks, 1 day today. We saw the little Baby Blob, which is the cutest little blob I have ever seen. I look at the u/s pic, and I tear up. Happy tears are such a nice treat, don't you think? We also saw the heart, flickering away. ♥ And it produced the most perfect beats we have heard. TH has already promised Baby some trance with a bpm of 142.
Speaking of TH, he's starting his new job today (with a rather large heartbeat-induced grin on his face), so send him some first day love, please!
I missed you all. It might take a few days to catch up, but I will.
XO
Vacation was fantastic; very relaxing and enjoyable. We got used to having Baby hang out with us. :)
We had an u/s and some bloodwork this morning, and I'm 7 wks, 1 day today. We saw the little Baby Blob, which is the cutest little blob I have ever seen. I look at the u/s pic, and I tear up. Happy tears are such a nice treat, don't you think? We also saw the heart, flickering away. ♥ And it produced the most perfect beats we have heard. TH has already promised Baby some trance with a bpm of 142.
Speaking of TH, he's starting his new job today (with a rather large heartbeat-induced grin on his face), so send him some first day love, please!
I missed you all. It might take a few days to catch up, but I will.
XO
17 May 2010
What I Love About Sundays
It's late. Let's cut to the chase so that I can finally get to bed!
1. One more work day until Mexico!!!
2. My Genetics grade is in, and given where my grade started after the first exam (and also our first IVF m/c), I did fantastic. I was worried we might have to pay for this class because work doesn't pay for a grade below a B, but I made it by the skin of my teeth. My other two classes should be As, so this semester went surprisingly well given the IVFs. I'm actually really proud of myself, which is not something I feel often.
3. Last paper of the semester is complete!! (And this is why Sundays is late this week!) All that stands in the way of Mexico is a day of work, a trip to the nail salon, and a whole lotta packing.
4. Yolk sacs. The surprise and happiness in the RE's voice was awesome.
5. Maternity shorts. I'm emotionally battling them, but the are definitely needed for Mexico and this coming summer. They are comfortable, and I am pregnant. Why NOT?
6. Erika. I had such a good visit with her yesterday for acupuncture. I'll miss next Saturday, just a tiny bit.
7. TH. Eve told TH congratulations today, and his response of genuine happiness was too adorable for words. He's being adorable, even if I seem to have less patience for his loud chewing and ridiculous amounts of family contact. Must figure out the hormones, stat.
8. Auntie B. I miss her, and the little snippets of conversation we've had this week have made me so happy. I can't wait for trips, birthday planning, showers in Michigan, and nursery planning with her. She'll keep me grounded and rejoicing.
So, what's carrying you into Monday with a too short weekend on your back?
1. One more work day until Mexico!!!
2. My Genetics grade is in, and given where my grade started after the first exam (and also our first IVF m/c), I did fantastic. I was worried we might have to pay for this class because work doesn't pay for a grade below a B, but I made it by the skin of my teeth. My other two classes should be As, so this semester went surprisingly well given the IVFs. I'm actually really proud of myself, which is not something I feel often.
3. Last paper of the semester is complete!! (And this is why Sundays is late this week!) All that stands in the way of Mexico is a day of work, a trip to the nail salon, and a whole lotta packing.
4. Yolk sacs. The surprise and happiness in the RE's voice was awesome.
5. Maternity shorts. I'm emotionally battling them, but the are definitely needed for Mexico and this coming summer. They are comfortable, and I am pregnant. Why NOT?
6. Erika. I had such a good visit with her yesterday for acupuncture. I'll miss next Saturday, just a tiny bit.
7. TH. Eve told TH congratulations today, and his response of genuine happiness was too adorable for words. He's being adorable, even if I seem to have less patience for his loud chewing and ridiculous amounts of family contact. Must figure out the hormones, stat.
8. Auntie B. I miss her, and the little snippets of conversation we've had this week have made me so happy. I can't wait for trips, birthday planning, showers in Michigan, and nursery planning with her. She'll keep me grounded and rejoicing.
So, what's carrying you into Monday with a too short weekend on your back?
14 May 2010
Oh, this is interesting
Beta today was in the 1900s (still where we wanted it to be). TH asked why it varied so much from what we got yesterday, and she said it was because of how their machines are calibrated. (I silently cursed him for confessing to the evil nurses!) I do know that labs vary, but a 500 pt (20%) difference? This makes me think that their machines just run conservative, and I've been sweating HCG numbers for nothing.
Awesome.
Awesome.
(((Baby)))
Everything went great this morning. I have a picture, but I can't figure out how to crop the scanned version on my work computer. We have a beautiful little 7mm sac, and the RE saw the yolk sac already forming. Because of Mexico, the next u/s is 25May10! We'll be 7wks, 1 day. Yay, baby!!!
We got two pictures, one for each of us to carry today. ♥
Oh, and sexy time is back on! Whew!!!
We got two pictures, one for each of us to carry today. ♥
Oh, and sexy time is back on! Whew!!!
13 May 2010
I confess
A few things transpired today that sent me into a panicky tizzy...and I called TH in a huff and said I was pulling the trigger on a beta. My logic was that I'd rather find out today if something was wrong than on the table tomorrow at the office.
Did I mention I'm not happy we have to go in during monitoring hours? I don't like this plan, RE. First u/s need calm, quiet, serenity, not an anxious waiting room filled with people. Bad idea, my reproductive endocrinologist friends.
Back to the freakout. I run upstairs and get a friendly phlebotomist to draw it. We agree I should send it stat....and that I should NOT wait for pick up and should run it down to the proper floor myself. What do you take me for, an amateur? :P
Stat = result in a hour.
Ho hum. Kill some time. Process a few of my own patient's blood samples. An hour. An hour and fifteen. An hour and a half. WHERE'S MY GD STAT BETA??
So, I call the lab. Hell, we are self pay with this one, I get to be pushy! My coworker is aware of my insanity, and tells me to use her name in the event they ask me who I am when calling for the result. We have a plan....
Only the gd machine has broken down. Tech support is looking at it. They can't pull my result...it's not coming up. They'll move "the patient" to the front of the line when it's up and running.
Race to finish my bloods. Arrive at therapy late (thank you, President-induced traffic). Frantically try to pull up results one Blackberry. FAIL. Resign myself to God fcuking with me yet again, and accept I will get this result when TH and I get home.
Is the result posted when I get home and check? Nope. Good thing I remembered that extension I dialed earlier...time to call the lab! :)
The beta was worth the rate. 158...320...640...1280 is where we need to be.
And we're at 2441.
((((Baby)))) Sorry for the panic, my little friend. Can't wait to see you tomorrow. XO
Did I mention I'm not happy we have to go in during monitoring hours? I don't like this plan, RE. First u/s need calm, quiet, serenity, not an anxious waiting room filled with people. Bad idea, my reproductive endocrinologist friends.
Back to the freakout. I run upstairs and get a friendly phlebotomist to draw it. We agree I should send it stat....and that I should NOT wait for pick up and should run it down to the proper floor myself. What do you take me for, an amateur? :P
Stat = result in a hour.
Ho hum. Kill some time. Process a few of my own patient's blood samples. An hour. An hour and fifteen. An hour and a half. WHERE'S MY GD STAT BETA??
So, I call the lab. Hell, we are self pay with this one, I get to be pushy! My coworker is aware of my insanity, and tells me to use her name in the event they ask me who I am when calling for the result. We have a plan....
Only the gd machine has broken down. Tech support is looking at it. They can't pull my result...it's not coming up. They'll move "the patient" to the front of the line when it's up and running.
Race to finish my bloods. Arrive at therapy late (thank you, President-induced traffic). Frantically try to pull up results one Blackberry. FAIL. Resign myself to God fcuking with me yet again, and accept I will get this result when TH and I get home.
Is the result posted when I get home and check? Nope. Good thing I remembered that extension I dialed earlier...time to call the lab! :)
The beta was worth the rate. 158...320...640...1280 is where we need to be.
((((Baby)))) Sorry for the panic, my little friend. Can't wait to see you tomorrow. XO
Where we stand
Tomorrow is the day for u/s and more bloodwork. We want to see a 5-10mm gestational sac, so if any of you want to imagine that over the next 24 hours, we'll gladly take the good vibes.
I still feel like crap...and still love every minute of it. I got sick again yesterday, and it's very much welcomed because I felt quite a bit better after both times I've thrown up. I've found that Baby likes Gatorade, which I wouldn't have expected, as I am usually NOT a fan. Not too many things sound appealing (bread, bread, and more bread with a side of crackers), so "flavorful" Gatorade is a welcome taste. But I not-so-secretly feel better about Baby when I am not feeling well. While I know it doesn't necessarily mean that things are going well, I choose to believe that it does.
You should all be proud b/c I resisted getting a beta drawn at work this week. We would have had to pay out of pocket for it (but we would have in a heartbeat if I had panicked and decided I wanted it). Feeling like I'm pregnant saved us a few bucks. ;) Maybe this is to counteract the small fortune I spent on pregnancy tests over the last two years?
After all that we've been through, these first few weeks of pregnancy have been interesting. I so desperately want to be overjoyed, and at times, it does come blazing through, but I'm more cautiously optimistic than I would have hoped. Sometimes I'm all Baby, Baby, Baby, other times I feel like I'm just kidding myself and this can't possibly be real. But it is! (I hope.) The doubt is one part that I can't believe we're finally here, one part that I worry something will go wrong, and one part that this is all just a big dream I'll wake up from. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I *didn't* make this up, it's really happening. Crazy, right? But then the clouds lift (because I push them to the side), and I'm *happy*. I am fighting the good fight against the fear and what I've coined The Infertile Nerves. This baby is here; he's already made it longer than any of our other babies. This baby stayed. He must be just wonderful, if out of all the babies we've tried for and seen come and go, he's the one that stayed.
(No, I'm not sure if it's a boy or a girl...that seems so far away. Romanian has "baby" labeled as a male noun, and thus, it's stuck with TH calling Baby "he" for short.)
I've toyed a lot with what to say on the blog, as I know I'm going to lose some of you. I understand. Trust me, I understand. I've done it myself more times than not. But I've decided that I'm just going to be 100% honest about how these weeks go for me. I've heard time and time again that an Infertile Pregnancy isn't always what you expect or what your fertile friends go through, especially with previous losses. Already, our first week and a half with Baby has proved that to me. But we worked our asses off to be here, and I'm going to give this my all, just like I did with treatments. I didn't sugarcoat the treatments, and I'm not going to sugarcoat this. Some days might be too saccharine-sweet, but I will consider those days a success for me. That's where I want to be all the time, and hopefully I will get there.
There are some pregnancy and baby blogs that I read that kept me in the fight. Sometimes we need to hear why we're down in the trenches and that this fight is really worth it. It's easy to lose sight of that when you've been struggling and hurting for so long. Hopefully the mixture of honesty about how I really feel and where I want to be or am headed mixed with the true emotions of joy that are under all the nerves will strike a chord somewhere. That's my hope, at least.
Well, that and a 5-10mm gestational sac tomorrow. One step at a time.
I still feel like crap...and still love every minute of it. I got sick again yesterday, and it's very much welcomed because I felt quite a bit better after both times I've thrown up. I've found that Baby likes Gatorade, which I wouldn't have expected, as I am usually NOT a fan. Not too many things sound appealing (bread, bread, and more bread with a side of crackers), so "flavorful" Gatorade is a welcome taste. But I not-so-secretly feel better about Baby when I am not feeling well. While I know it doesn't necessarily mean that things are going well, I choose to believe that it does.
You should all be proud b/c I resisted getting a beta drawn at work this week. We would have had to pay out of pocket for it (but we would have in a heartbeat if I had panicked and decided I wanted it). Feeling like I'm pregnant saved us a few bucks. ;) Maybe this is to counteract the small fortune I spent on pregnancy tests over the last two years?
After all that we've been through, these first few weeks of pregnancy have been interesting. I so desperately want to be overjoyed, and at times, it does come blazing through, but I'm more cautiously optimistic than I would have hoped. Sometimes I'm all Baby, Baby, Baby, other times I feel like I'm just kidding myself and this can't possibly be real. But it is! (I hope.) The doubt is one part that I can't believe we're finally here, one part that I worry something will go wrong, and one part that this is all just a big dream I'll wake up from. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I *didn't* make this up, it's really happening. Crazy, right? But then the clouds lift (because I push them to the side), and I'm *happy*. I am fighting the good fight against the fear and what I've coined The Infertile Nerves. This baby is here; he's already made it longer than any of our other babies. This baby stayed. He must be just wonderful, if out of all the babies we've tried for and seen come and go, he's the one that stayed.
(No, I'm not sure if it's a boy or a girl...that seems so far away. Romanian has "baby" labeled as a male noun, and thus, it's stuck with TH calling Baby "he" for short.)
I've toyed a lot with what to say on the blog, as I know I'm going to lose some of you. I understand. Trust me, I understand. I've done it myself more times than not. But I've decided that I'm just going to be 100% honest about how these weeks go for me. I've heard time and time again that an Infertile Pregnancy isn't always what you expect or what your fertile friends go through, especially with previous losses. Already, our first week and a half with Baby has proved that to me. But we worked our asses off to be here, and I'm going to give this my all, just like I did with treatments. I didn't sugarcoat the treatments, and I'm not going to sugarcoat this. Some days might be too saccharine-sweet, but I will consider those days a success for me. That's where I want to be all the time, and hopefully I will get there.
There are some pregnancy and baby blogs that I read that kept me in the fight. Sometimes we need to hear why we're down in the trenches and that this fight is really worth it. It's easy to lose sight of that when you've been struggling and hurting for so long. Hopefully the mixture of honesty about how I really feel and where I want to be or am headed mixed with the true emotions of joy that are under all the nerves will strike a chord somewhere. That's my hope, at least.
Well, that and a 5-10mm gestational sac tomorrow. One step at a time.
09 May 2010
Mother's Day Mays
May this day pass easily.
May this day mean more about what you have and what you will have rather than what you do not have at this very moment.
May you honor yourself, your love and your heart; grant them leeway as they navigate through the Facebook declarations and the family celebrations.
May those of us who have loved and lost in whatever form hold our loved ones dearly on a day that begs remembrance rather than celebration.
May you find peace on a day that should be one for rejoicing yet calls attention to so many deficiencies in so many hearts, in so many ways.
May you be loved today and every day, regardless of the way this day hurts or heals you.
May this day mean more about what you have and what you will have rather than what you do not have at this very moment.
May you honor yourself, your love and your heart; grant them leeway as they navigate through the Facebook declarations and the family celebrations.
May those of us who have loved and lost in whatever form hold our loved ones dearly on a day that begs remembrance rather than celebration.
May you find peace on a day that should be one for rejoicing yet calls attention to so many deficiencies in so many hearts, in so many ways.
May you be loved today and every day, regardless of the way this day hurts or heals you.
08 May 2010
The storm has calmed
After my few hour freak out yesterday, I magically relaxed and calmed down via all those things on that list. I went for The Birthday Tea, which included Rooibos Kimberly (wheee!) tea, half a pumpkin scone, and half a ham and cheese scone. I was all excited about my tea and contemplating buying some to bring home (I have a small tea collection) until...I threw it all up.
I'm going to be honest here, and feel free to think I'm ridiculous. Right now, at this moment, throwing up is awesome. TH highfived me, and I do not deny texting him IMMEDIATELY. We're rejoicing at hormone induced vomit, cheering the little guy in there along. Make Mama feel as crappy as you need to, it's okay! Go right ahead! We love you!
I haven't really mentioned my symptoms, so here they are, in no particular order:
bad break out (last week...it seems to be fading)
nausea which is pretty much constant...I've learned not to let myself get hungry
food aversions/lack of appetite, which makes the above hard. Nothing sounds good!
headaches
period-like cramps
exhaustion in the evenings
a few random skin splotchiness/red marks that are completely random and then disappear
a little bit of dizziness on Thursday
lots of pooping, not helped by The Beta Nerves
random little zings in my growing boobs
some random waves of wanting to jump TH's bones...we made a baby, yet I think it's been a month since we had sexy time. Thanks, IVF!
I think that about sums it up. I called the clinic today to ask about "pelvic rest" and the progesterone. Really, I just wanted to know if we could have sex yet, but I threw in the progesterone question to round it out a bit. I swear, they must love me over there. They only have TH's number on file (since they can't be trusted to decipher who to call, we took my number off their records), so he had to have the conversation about sexy time. We're on hold til the first u/s apparently. We also requested the Pregnancy Recommendations sheet via email. Looks like I broke two cardinal rules already last week: queso blanco and hotdogs. Two foods that sounded okay...off limits. Awesome. Clearly this infertile doesn't know too much about actually being pregnant.
I'm going to be honest here, and feel free to think I'm ridiculous. Right now, at this moment, throwing up is awesome. TH highfived me, and I do not deny texting him IMMEDIATELY. We're rejoicing at hormone induced vomit, cheering the little guy in there along. Make Mama feel as crappy as you need to, it's okay! Go right ahead! We love you!
I haven't really mentioned my symptoms, so here they are, in no particular order:
bad break out (last week...it seems to be fading)
nausea which is pretty much constant...I've learned not to let myself get hungry
food aversions/lack of appetite, which makes the above hard. Nothing sounds good!
headaches
period-like cramps
exhaustion in the evenings
a few random skin splotchiness/red marks that are completely random and then disappear
a little bit of dizziness on Thursday
lots of pooping, not helped by The Beta Nerves
random little zings in my growing boobs
some random waves of wanting to jump TH's bones...we made a baby, yet I think it's been a month since we had sexy time. Thanks, IVF!
I think that about sums it up. I called the clinic today to ask about "pelvic rest" and the progesterone. Really, I just wanted to know if we could have sex yet, but I threw in the progesterone question to round it out a bit. I swear, they must love me over there. They only have TH's number on file (since they can't be trusted to decipher who to call, we took my number off their records), so he had to have the conversation about sexy time. We're on hold til the first u/s apparently. We also requested the Pregnancy Recommendations sheet via email. Looks like I broke two cardinal rules already last week: queso blanco and hotdogs. Two foods that sounded okay...off limits. Awesome. Clearly this infertile doesn't know too much about actually being pregnant.
07 May 2010
Things that make me feel better
TH's pep talks. When he's so adorably happy, it's contagious.
Being reminded to believe. I've made up a new little mantra for when I get nervous.
Headaches. Feeling like chit is always a winner in this game!
Test lines that show up before the control is even wet AND are darker than the control! Somehow, this makes it more real.
Talking to friends who tell me my fears are expected and that it's going to be okay.
Admitting that I'm scared, and acknowledging that I'm going to fight it. Claiming the battle is the first step.
Figuring out that the reason the "only" doubling makes me nervous is that we once went from 13.1 to 23.something, which was close but no cigar. This is not the same pregnancy, nor is it the same strength of HCG. I am deciding to live in *this* pregnancy, not any past ones.
Joining a pregnancy thread after a long, long wait. This baby is here. I'm pregnant.
Laying down and putting my hands on the baby. This makes me feel very, very good, headache and all.
I'm off for tea in the city to celebrate Lama's birthday. I know her and Eves will have giant hugs for me. ♥
Being reminded to believe. I've made up a new little mantra for when I get nervous.
Headaches. Feeling like chit is always a winner in this game!
Test lines that show up before the control is even wet AND are darker than the control! Somehow, this makes it more real.
Talking to friends who tell me my fears are expected and that it's going to be okay.
Admitting that I'm scared, and acknowledging that I'm going to fight it. Claiming the battle is the first step.
Figuring out that the reason the "only" doubling makes me nervous is that we once went from 13.1 to 23.something, which was close but no cigar. This is not the same pregnancy, nor is it the same strength of HCG. I am deciding to live in *this* pregnancy, not any past ones.
Joining a pregnancy thread after a long, long wait. This baby is here. I'm pregnant.
Laying down and putting my hands on the baby. This makes me feel very, very good, headache and all.
I'm off for tea in the city to celebrate Lama's birthday. I know her and Eves will have giant hugs for me. ♥
We doubled
Exactly. 158.
I thought that today would be the day that would give me relief after we doubled. Apparently not. I am caught in the land of fear. I've never been pregnant for this many days in a row, but instead of being able to celebrate that, I'm trying to breathe deeply that last time we more than doubled and this time we doubled exactly. I felt like complete chit yesterday, which was very calming, but today is the numbers' mind fcuk. I've been told this is just how it is, which is actually kind of comforting. We have never made it to the 5th week, so this is like hell week for us. I wish I could just let all this worry go and *breathe*.
This is scarier than I ever thought it could be. There's this constant fear that I'm going to be pushed right back onto the infertility train again, no questions asked, no begging allowed.
We did what we needed to do. Oh, baby, you're working so hard in there. We know. We're working hard out here, too. Promise. All this fear comes from love, lots and lots of love. We just want to hold you in our arms in January. We're holding millions of kisses, just for you.
We have b/w and u/s next Friday. One week to go. *exhale*
And again, thank you for submitting me to LFCA. ♥♥♥ I love you girls.
05 May 2010
Doubling time: 1.44 days!
We went from 30.3 to 79.3!!!
(((((Baby))))))
Keep on truckin', little one! You're doing so well in there!!!!
Rinse, wash, repeat on Friday. Seeing as I was *freaking* out today, I'm not looking all that forward to doing this again. But alas. Think of a number higher than 160!
Oh, baby, we love you!!!! ♥♥♥
(((((Baby))))))
Keep on truckin', little one! You're doing so well in there!!!!
Rinse, wash, repeat on Friday. Seeing as I was *freaking* out today, I'm not looking all that forward to doing this again. But alas. Think of a number higher than 160!
Oh, baby, we love you!!!! ♥♥♥
04 May 2010
Crime Scene
This is how an infertile's bathroom looks during the week of betas.
Please ignore our dusty toilet. *Someone* around here has shirked her cleaning duties as of late.
03 May 2010
The beta is in!
We're at 30.3! I've never gotten higher than 25.1, and that was on a 3rd draw.
The RE's office said they wanted the first one between 20-25, so by their standards, we're doing good. (I somehow had it in my head that we wanted it above 40...) And the nurse that talked to TH used the magically words "she's pregnant!" without the "but..." part. I'm a little nervous that it's on the lower side for 9dp5dt, but I keep feeling crampy and hoping that's a good thing.
We go back on Wed and they want to see a level of 60-65, so we'll be concentrating on those numbers.
Please stay, baby. Please!! Grow, grow, grow. ♥
The RE's office said they wanted the first one between 20-25, so by their standards, we're doing good. (I somehow had it in my head that we wanted it above 40...) And the nurse that talked to TH used the magically words "she's pregnant!" without the "but..." part. I'm a little nervous that it's on the lower side for 9dp5dt, but I keep feeling crampy and hoping that's a good thing.
We go back on Wed and they want to see a level of 60-65, so we'll be concentrating on those numbers.
Please stay, baby. Please!! Grow, grow, grow. ♥
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