Where we stand

Tomorrow is the day for u/s and more bloodwork. We want to see a 5-10mm gestational sac, so if any of you want to imagine that over the next 24 hours, we'll gladly take the good vibes.

I still feel like crap...and still love every minute of it. I got sick again yesterday, and it's very much welcomed because I felt quite a bit better after both times I've thrown up. I've found that Baby likes Gatorade, which I wouldn't have expected, as I am usually NOT a fan. Not too many things sound appealing (bread, bread, and more bread with a side of crackers), so "flavorful" Gatorade is a welcome taste. But I not-so-secretly feel better about Baby when I am not feeling well. While I know it doesn't necessarily mean that things are going well, I choose to believe that it does.

You should all be proud b/c I resisted getting a beta drawn at work this week. We would have had to pay out of pocket for it (but we would have in a heartbeat if I had panicked and decided I wanted it). Feeling like I'm pregnant saved us a few bucks. ;) Maybe this is to counteract the small fortune I spent on pregnancy tests over the last two years?

After all that we've been through, these first few weeks of pregnancy have been interesting. I so desperately want to be overjoyed, and at times, it does come blazing through, but I'm more cautiously optimistic than I would have hoped. Sometimes I'm all Baby, Baby, Baby, other times I feel like I'm just kidding myself and this can't possibly be real. But it is! (I hope.) The doubt is one part that I can't believe we're finally here, one part that I worry something will go wrong, and one part that this is all just a big dream I'll wake up from. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I *didn't* make this up, it's really happening. Crazy, right? But then the clouds lift (because I push them to the side), and I'm *happy*. I am fighting the good fight against the fear and what I've coined The Infertile Nerves. This baby is here; he's already made it longer than any of our other babies. This baby stayed. He must be just wonderful, if out of all the babies we've tried for and seen come and go, he's the one that stayed.

(No, I'm not sure if it's a boy or a girl...that seems so far away. Romanian has "baby" labeled as a male noun, and thus, it's stuck with TH calling Baby "he" for short.)

I've toyed a lot with what to say on the blog, as I know I'm going to lose some of you. I understand. Trust me, I understand. I've done it myself more times than not. But I've decided that I'm just going to be 100% honest about how these weeks go for me. I've heard time and time again that an Infertile Pregnancy isn't always what you expect or what your fertile friends go through, especially with previous losses. Already, our first week and a half with Baby has proved that to me. But we worked our asses off to be here, and I'm going to give this my all, just like I did with treatments. I didn't sugarcoat the treatments, and I'm not going to sugarcoat this. Some days might be too saccharine-sweet, but I will consider those days a success for me. That's where I want to be all the time, and hopefully I will get there.

There are some pregnancy and baby blogs that I read that kept me in the fight. Sometimes we need to hear why we're down in the trenches and that this fight is really worth it. It's easy to lose sight of that when you've been struggling and hurting for so long. Hopefully the mixture of honesty about how I really feel and where I want to be or am headed mixed with the true emotions of joy that are under all the nerves will strike a chord somewhere. That's my hope, at least.

Well, that and a 5-10mm gestational sac tomorrow. One step at a time.