(((Acupuncture)))

It's no secret that I love going to acupuncture each weekend. I love going into the city on the weekend, visiting the farmer's market or just doing a little shopping in Man.hattan after the appointment. You also know how much I cherish Erika, her quirky tattoos and happy smile.

For the past two sessions, I have loved acupuncture for yet another reason. Last week, Baby had a little dance party during my rest period. He was like a little fish, swirling around in there. This week, Baby flat out went nuts. Before the lights were even down for my rest time, Baby was squirming around in there like a little goober. It was awesome! Rest? Are you kidding me? Baby was MOVING!!! I could barely contain myself. I was seriously tempted to pull out the needle in one of my wrists so that I could put my hand on my belly. Yesterday at Baby Yoga, we had a sub teacher who was telling us to feel the baby's calm energy, a thought I had never pondered before. Baby has energy? Indeed!

It's pretty early for me to be feeling baby, but the more I feel the movements, the more I am certain that's what I feel. I've been feeling them since 11weeks, and I'm almost 14 now. It's not kicks, and I dislike the comparison to butterflies. Sometimes it feels like the the way water ripples when you cause a stir under it, soft underwater waves (hence the flopping fish reference). Today, it felt less ripply and much more flopping fish, LOL. I felt a little random feeling in my lower back and even one closer to my belly button, though most were lower, halfway between my belly button and pelvic bone. I'm pretty sure the few random places confirm that Baby was twisting and twirling in there, wondering what. the. heck. was going on out there. Meanwhile, I couldn't relax for a second, dreaming of what was going on with Baby *in* there and what he might be feeling.

I can't wait until next week, and if TH can't feel the movements this week, he's coming along. He's a wee bit upset that Erika felt the first baby movements on my belly, but I am not so surprised. Clearly Baby likes visiting Erika just as much as I do. ♥

Where's my box?

I was invited to a yoga mommies online group in our neighborhood by the baby yoga teacher. It took her a few weeks to add us newbies, during which time I was grateful for time to adjust. The first emails I received were about nanny shares and local daycare reviews, and I was happily part of the club. It soon started to fade...

There have been threads about post-partum periods returning.

"Mine never came back because I got pregnant with H right away, hehe!"

"I bf until S was 3.5, and it stayed away the whole time."

"BF as birth control doesn't work!"

Then we moved onto the midwife and doula recommendations. We're currently contemplating a doula, so I tuned in on this one, too.

"Home births ROCK! EVERYone should consider one."

"Don't use an OB!! They push their own agendas; mine didn't want me to ______. UGH!"

Next was, "I'm dilated to 4.5 cm and the OB wants me to go to the hospital, but I am NOT DOING PITOCIN AGAIN, so should I go to the hospital or wait it out at home?! HELP, now!"

*headdesk*

I can't. Really, I can't.

I've read posts about this, and I knew one day it would hit me, but I just wasn't prepared. I'm part hippy, but I'm also part science. Hello, science gave me this little one growing inside me. How could I completely turn my back on all things medicine?

I love yoga, believe in being spiritual, am super aware of my body and its balance, and frequent an acupuncturist. I work for transplant docs, work on trials to put new and necessary drugs on the market, love manipulating DNA, and get super excited at visiting an OR (when I'm not the patient). I used to be vegetarian, but I don't go crazy for organics, though I do love farmer's markets. I love the city and the way it makes me focus on simplicity in my home and enriches my life with a million different cultures, but I feel most calm near water and yearn for suburban Michigan summers.

I'm complex...so where's my checkmark going to land in the mommy boxes? I don't want a birth plan because I've learned that we don't get to plan how the baby part of life goes. I've learned to give up all control, find my own way of peace, and roll with the punches. I trust my husband fully, and I know we're in a great partnership to take care of this baby. I'm going to finish my masters right before Baby arrives, and I am so tempted to stay home with Baby that I canceled an interview for a higher position because I'm not ready to close off any options. I want a doula, but I also want access to a great NICU just in case we need it. I drink caffeine, but I won't go near deli meat, even though I just *had* to have a few hotdogs in the first weeks of pregnancy. I like balance, and the pendulum doesn't swing unevenly around these parts. I know my ground.

But most of all, I'm a pregnant infertile. I fight daily to enjoy these days of pregnancy, sometimes not fighting at all and sometimes wrestling like mad. I know what it took to get here, and I will never, ever forget that battle. (How can I when I know we'll probably enter it again?) I don't worry about medical procedures or shots, I don't balk at vaginal ultrasounds, and I don't ever stay silent when someone says something ignorant about infertility. I've learned to live in the present and love Baby fully with fear in my heart during the tough moments. I am proud of my little belly, and I take no shame in touching it. I've earned that loving touch, and I want my baby to feel it whenever the thought crosses my mind.

So where's my box? Where are my companions on this journey because I thought crossing the line was supposed to make me feel less isolated in the real world? Or was that just the idealized version we tell ourselves to get us through the fight?