I was invited to a yoga mommies online group in our neighborhood by the baby yoga teacher. It took her a few weeks to add us newbies, during which time I was grateful for time to adjust. The first emails I received were about nanny shares and local daycare reviews, and I was happily part of the club. It soon started to fade...
There have been threads about post-partum periods returning.
"Mine never came back because I got pregnant with H right away, hehe!"
"I bf until S was 3.5, and it stayed away the whole time."
"BF as birth control doesn't work!"
Then we moved onto the midwife and doula recommendations. We're currently contemplating a doula, so I tuned in on this one, too.
"Home births ROCK! EVERYone should consider one."
"Don't use an OB!! They push their own agendas; mine didn't want me to ______. UGH!"
Next was, "I'm dilated to 4.5 cm and the OB wants me to go to the hospital, but I am NOT DOING PITOCIN AGAIN, so should I go to the hospital or wait it out at home?! HELP, now!"
*headdesk*
I can't. Really, I can't.
I've read posts about this, and I knew one day it would hit me, but I just wasn't prepared. I'm part hippy, but I'm also part science. Hello, science gave me this little one growing inside me. How could I completely turn my back on all things medicine?
I love yoga, believe in being spiritual, am super aware of my body and its balance, and frequent an acupuncturist. I work for transplant docs, work on trials to put new and necessary drugs on the market, love manipulating DNA, and get super excited at visiting an OR (when I'm not the patient). I used to be vegetarian, but I don't go crazy for organics, though I do love farmer's markets. I love the city and the way it makes me focus on simplicity in my home and enriches my life with a million different cultures, but I feel most calm near water and yearn for suburban Michigan summers.
I'm complex...so where's my checkmark going to land in the mommy boxes? I don't want a birth plan because I've learned that we don't get to plan how the baby part of life goes. I've learned to give up all control, find my own way of peace, and roll with the punches. I trust my husband fully, and I know we're in a great partnership to take care of this baby. I'm going to finish my masters right before Baby arrives, and I am so tempted to stay home with Baby that I canceled an interview for a higher position because I'm not ready to close off any options. I want a doula, but I also want access to a great NICU just in case we need it. I drink caffeine, but I won't go near deli meat, even though I just *had* to have a few hotdogs in the first weeks of pregnancy. I like balance, and the pendulum doesn't swing unevenly around these parts. I know my ground.
But most of all, I'm a pregnant infertile. I fight daily to enjoy these days of pregnancy, sometimes not fighting at all and sometimes wrestling like mad. I know what it took to get here, and I will never, ever forget that battle. (How can I when I know we'll probably enter it again?) I don't worry about medical procedures or shots, I don't balk at vaginal ultrasounds, and I don't ever stay silent when someone says something ignorant about infertility. I've learned to live in the present and love Baby fully with fear in my heart during the tough moments. I am proud of my little belly, and I take no shame in touching it. I've earned that loving touch, and I want my baby to feel it whenever the thought crosses my mind.
So where's my box? Where are my companions on this journey because I thought crossing the line was supposed to make me feel less isolated in the real world? Or was that just the idealized version we tell ourselves to get us through the fight?
07 July 2010
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As you well know, I too have struggled with this my entire pregnancy. I feel like I'm caught somewhere in the middle. Most of all, for me, I'm afraid to plan anything because I don't want my hopes, wishes and desires crushed into a million pieces when it all goes to shit ... and it seems to do that when you are pregnant after infertile.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find companions along the way that share your same viewpoint of pregnant after infertility. I can tell you from experience, we are few and far between, but keep blogging and you will feel better.
((hugs))
Remember my first (and only) blog post? I don't have a box either. Part of me wishes I had one so I could "understand," but then the other part recognizes that I would probably balk at staying in the lines.
ReplyDeleteYou and me, we're past boxes. And that's okay.
I am so with you on the part hippie part science nerd and doula and NICU thing.
ReplyDeleteBoxes are hard, and they rarely fit 100%.
No boxes, just circles, as in a Venn Diagram. Unfortunately, the overlaps are minuscule between infertiles and fertiles even after pregnancy. Though it seems to me that even without throwing IF into the mix your overlap with the group you mention would be mighty slim.
ReplyDeleteAs long as you know where you stand is solid ground, then the rest is just tides washing around you.
I can totally relate to feeling like you don't fit in in either place. I'm simply not a die-hard about ANYTHING about mommyhood -- not breastfeeding, not epidurals, not how to raise the child once its here. I think its about finding what's right for YOU, and that is different with everyone. And, like you pointed out, IF robs us of the ability to plan because we all know what happens when we start making plans, right?
ReplyDeleteHugs to you, you are not as alone as you feel.
Jo
Your posts about baby so eloquently express my thoughts too, even though we didn't have the same path to becoming pregnant, I find your thoughts on pregnancy and birth often mimic my own. So nice to have you say in words what are thoughts in my head.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post! I hate it when people insist that you must do this, or that. Why can't we all be adults and make decisions for ourselves? And isn't it amazing how IF has changed us? Forever, I think.
ReplyDeleteAww, babe, you can totally pick and choose. I REALLY wanted to be in a hospital with a NICU, which was good b/c we ended up needing it. I'm kinda granola with the breastfeeding thing, but I got an epidural and we vaccinate. I'm not sure what it is about kids, but everyone has a strong opinion on what they did being the "best". I guess because they don't want to think that they didn't do the best thing for their child. Just be informed, make choices that are right for you and your husband. Decisions made with love are right.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't end at birth. Everyone has opinions on how to start feeding solid foods and gosh knows what else they'll think of next, but that is my battle now with a 5 month old.
This is your box. The infertile who crosses into Pregnant Land and joins the outcasts who snuck in the back gate through medical intervention. We're all over here. We're the 1 in 7 who aren't ignorant about what a blessing it is to get pregnant, carry a pregnancy to full term, and have a baby after fighting like mad to get there. We don't fit in with the women who get pregnant easily, whenever they want, or who didn't have to seek real help to get that way because they are too naieve for us, and we are too cautious for them.
ReplyDeleteI never had a birth plan. I thought that was the stupidest thing ever. Although, I really didn't have a choice. I was c-section before I even got pregnant. What kind of birth plan was I going to draw up knowing that? lol
The bottom line is do what feels right for you when it comes to your baby and your birth and nursing. Don't give two figs about the blissfully ignorant girls. If this group isn't right for you, opt out. I certainly would. You belong here with us gals anyway cause we like you best. ;) That and we know your inner struggles all to well.
You learn, after some time, to take what works and leave the rest. "I'll consider that, thanks." is a favorite line of mine when people start in with the "you should..." It was a long, hard battle to get my babies and I made a ton of decisions to get here. Parenting is really about more decisions. It's just that some people seem to think there's a checklist to fit in a certain category. I've made my own category: Best Mom I can possibly be!
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty hippiedippie as my mom puts it... I had to use fertility drugs, IUI, had a cerclage with Bobby and Maya, lived in the hospital for months, had a C-section, and lived in the NICU for 2 more months. It didnt diminish my hippie-ness as all. :) Do I wish I'd have a natural homebirth? Yes. Do I wish I'd been able to chart and get pregnant? Yes. Would I give back my kids for all the natural births and charts? Not at all.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it's a funky mix, but it all works out, I think. At least I like to think so...
I think you have to make your own box. I wanted to labor naturally, with the comfort of knowing that a good NICU was down the hall. We never had a "birth plan" that we gave to the doctor or anything. Angel and I had a lot of long discussions about it and when the time came I let him be my advocate. I needed pitocin to get things moving once my water broke and I don't regret it one bit. They needed to get her out to keep her safe and I'm exceedingly greatful that medical intervention and science were there to keep us healthy.
ReplyDelete