Esperando

If I think, "Is this my period" to myself one more time, I may become certifiable. I'm now on Day 18 of bleeding from the surgery. I am so, so, so over pads. Hell, I am so over blood at this point. It hasn't started up again yet today, but I know it's just a matter of time. This morning I've got some cramping, though, so I just hope that it might be my period. It's odd, waiting and hoping for a period to come. At the same time, though, last night I had a little day dream that maybe it would take a really long time for my period to come, and in the meantime, I'd get "accidentally" pregnant. My period would be so delayed that I'd take a test on a whim, and there it would be, the elusive double line. (Let's not get carried away and think about the one that actually reads "Pregnant".)

The lines between hope and despair seem so fuzzy lately. That little dream sounds ridiculous to me by the light of day, but there's still a tiny little pang that it will happen that way. Anything so we don't have to "try" so hard. It's incredibly hard for me to deal with the uncertainties lately. So many have said that now that I've gone through both surgeries, they feel like everything is in order for us. There's just no guarantee. There's no effort counter in the world that is going to look down and realize that I've now sacrificed enough for it to be our time to have a baby. If only it worked like that. And we're not even as far as couples who've done multiple rounds of IVF. If that's in our future, I can't even entertain the idea right now. Overwhelming.

I've also been told that since we recently conceived, this is a good sign. It's a good sign that we conceived but lost the baby? I'm not sure how that works. Yes, we now know we can conceive. Yes, we know we surgically corrected the most probable reason why the baby couldn't implant. But, no, we do not know that we'll conceive again, right away. It took a year to conceive that baby; who's to say that it won't take another year to do it again? There's no guarantee that now we can do it again and soon. We didn't do anything differently that month.

Well, we did do somethings differently that month, but they didn't help and they didn't happen until after we had realized I conceived. God damned dreaming.