Today's Game Plan

The SMT and I both listened to Train this morning on our commutes without knowing it. She sent me calming vibes, and I sent all of my angels to our babies. Then, I talked to our babies and cheered them on. I've asked all my angels to take turns watching over and nurturing our little Lucky Seven.

We don't have a lot of options. The babies are at the clinic, and I have no choice but to make peace with it right now. They have to follow me for the rest of the cycle, and I'm going to have to go back into that office. So while I'm still very, very angry, I'm trying to tame it as best as I can. The babies need me, and they don't need to be transferred to an angry mama.

The RE has agreed to give us daily updates on the embryos given the hell we just went through and all the other problems we've had prior to this. He also said he would calling us tomorrow about transfer (though he thinks we should make it to Day5), so we'll see if that actually happens.

I will need strength to get through this transfer. It's killing me that our babies are in their hands and there's nothing I can do about it. I have zero trust in this clinic right now, but somehow, somewhere, I have got to give them a little to get through this and get our babies.

God grant me strength.

Oh, God *updated*

Hold me.

They didn't do ICSI. WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T THEY DO ICSI?

We only have 7 fertilized embryos.

I'm sobbing so hard I'm shaking. WHAT THE FUCK.

I'm waiting for the RE to call. TH demanded a call, and I sent an email demanding a call.

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He called almost immediately. He has no explanation for why this mistake occurred. Okay...how 'bout you fucking find one, fast? It was part of the plan, and they didn't do it. He apologized but not nearly enough. ICSI was supposed to be our fix.

The seven we have right now supposedly look great, but I honestly don't trust them at all right now. Would he really call and say they don't look good after dropping the lack of ICSI bomb? TH is convinced these 7 are good like the RE says (what other choice do we have than to believe?), but I'm so shaken I can't believe it.

I have to go back in for the transfer, but I don't want to be anywhere near this clinic right now. I'm raging like I have never raged before.

I can't do this anymore. I just can't. Not for someone else to just fuck it all up in an instant.

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Given that I'm up for transfer in a few days, I had to turn the comments off on this post. I appreciate EVERY one of your thoughts, hopes, prayers, expressions of solidarity. Please know that. The fact of the matter is, I'm going in two days to get our babies, and I can't go in angry. I just can't. So I ask that if you're going to leave a comment, please leave out your anger for me. By all means, feel it; I certainly do. But I'm setting it aside for any hope I can find for our babies. I ask that you do the same. Give whatever you have to #s 1, 2, 4, 6, and 7.

And to whomever submitted me to LFCA, I thank you dearly.