We wanted this one

All day, I have tried to find the words. I don't have any, so I'm not going to try. I feel numb, which is better than the deep, trying pain I felt yesterday.

I really don't know what happens now. I have to go in for bloodwork on Thursday. I don't want to go, but I will like I always do. The bleeding started, and I had some uterus cramping today. It just felt like a tight little knot, my uterus. I suspect the worst might be over, but we'll see how tomorrow goes.

Since my beta was so low, I suspect that it won't take long to get back down to 0. Is there any correlation to the bleeding starting and the beta number? I really have no idea about what's going on. And, for whatever reason, I have zero interest in calling the RE to find out. No thanks.

Are we going to have to wait a full cycle before we do another round of Clomid/IUI? Does this all depend on Thursday's bloodwork?

What happens now? Can someone please just put the pieces back together for me and tell me what happens next? I just want to get back on the trying wagon ASAP. I made TH promise me that we wouldn't stop, even if I thought it might be a good idea in the days to come. I know myself, and I know it's better for me to soldier on. I am taking care of myself in other ways.

This is our second loss now. Some might not recognize the first because I never saw a positive test, but I know we conceived with the March cycle and it didn't implant. Not seeing that positive was a blessing. This was nothing but hell on earth. Even the RE said these kinds of pregnancies were awful. Somehow, that was comforting.

I just don't understand why God would give me a baby just to take it away. What's the point? I remember a few months ago when I had the church breakdown over "Jesus wept". Were you weeping with me yesterday Jesus? I think you've gone missing because I was in a very dark place and awfully alone. God has all the power to make me happy, yet he just keeps makin' me cry. I do not understand.

I was reading a website about miscarriages just now, and it had a list of advice for people if they were reading the website on behalf of someone else (ie they were the support, not the one that needed support).

"Don't say that they can always have another...(they wanted this one)."

Yes, yes, yes. We really wanted this one.