Whatya know?

I was right.

I'm starting to spot.

I only had an 11 day LP. I think I will bring this up with the doc. It might get pushed to 12, but I think I will have flow by 9pm.

I called the pharmacy to refill my Rx.

I'm back to being in shock.

I also feel like the Idiot Girl Who Thought It Would Work on the First Try.

I don't have time to cry today b/c I'm off to class.

The numbness is back, and we all know that doesn't usually last very long.

I can't really believe this is happening. Remember when we were worried about multiples? Hahahahahaha. Joke's on me.

Fuck!

11 dpiui (I can't wait to go home)

It's over. I haven't started my period, but I inexplicably know that it's over. I had an unbearable meltdown this morning, to the point where we had to leave church and just go back to my mom's, alone, for some sobbing, holding, and calming. The whole point of this visit was to celebrate my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary. And while we did celebrate with them, we did not celebrate the way that was the intention of this trip (church with the WHOLE family, cake afterwards, and then lunch at a nearby restaurant).

I couldn't sit through church. I took a test this morning, and the numbness of the stark white line hit me in full force. I succeeded in getting ready, but it all started to collapse when we were sitting in church.

TH is not a fan of God, and as of late, he (God, not TH) and I are Fighting. I couldn't sit there, fresh on our most recent failure, and listen to words of how God loves all of us, he takes care of us in our darkest hours, cries with us, blesses us. There was a special focus on the verse "Jesus wept" and how he weeps with you. Well, Jesus, are you tired of crying yet? I certainly don't feel you at my side when I'm staining TH's shirt with tears and choking on my hair from crying so hard. When will you decide that we've cried enough tears together? Letting me hear today that children are a gift from God wasn't really all that helpful in the fight to stop the weeping.

I don't know how some of you are able to stay devout believers in all of this or how you can attend church each week. You must have a stronger faith than me, I suppose. I don't really know what else to say.

So, I had to leave church barely 5 minutes into the sermon. I left with tears running down my face, and I had to text my stepdad to tell him we had to go. I don't know what they told the rest of our family, but I do believe Grandma knows the reason we left. We told her everything last night, because she asked, and she knew it was near the end of this cycle and I was struggling. I'm just so very sorry I couldn't be stronger today and finish out the day. I tried, but the tears just wouldn't stop once they started flowing. It took hours, not minutes this time.

And, somewhere, in the cruelty of it all, I hold the fact that I'm not out until TOM starts in a deep recess of my heart. I think I hate that more than anything right now because the rest of me knows so very well that it's over. I've known since acupuncture, the bagpipes, and the choir on Thursday. I tried so very hard to believe otherwise, but I apparently gave in today.

Now, we just wait. Begin again, Finnigan.

9 dpiui (Michigan)

I'm scared. I'm so scared I don't even have words.

The hyperstimulation seems to have subsided, and I don't know whether that's a good thing or not. I'm sure you think I'm crazy, but from reading, it seems like if you're pregnant, it sticks around or gets worse. I'm still bloated, and my abdomen still feels icky, but it's not nearly as bad. Do I chalk it up to acupuncture and lots of fluids (and maybe some positive thoughts, too?), or is this a bad sign I need to start accepting?

My boobs are killing me, though. I think that's good, but I'm so nervous right now that I can't really see the positive in much. The whole damn boob hurts, or aches, and I have to wear a bra, which is usually not a requirement. They're bigger and firmer, and my nips are definitely more sensitive than they were a few days ago. We're back to where they were about a week ago.

Can anyone shut my mind off?

I woke up this morning with some cramping, and I just laid there, thinking. We're on a blow-up mattress in the back room of my mom's house. We got up for a little bit to eat, but I just felt tired again. And, really, I just wanted TH right next to me and to hold me. We ended up taking a nap, so the amount of sleep I've had today is kind of ridiculous. It is rainy and dreary here, so maybe I should just blame it on sleepy weather and a desperate need for some downtime.

It's been 11 days since the trigger, and the positive on the tests has gotten fainter than I ever believed a pregnancy test could get. It was like a shadow of a shadow yesterday. It kind of reconfirms all those stark white negatives, you know? And never did I think I would ever be wishing for a stark white negative. Where did you go? Why did you leave me? I don't know what to make of that faint grey shadow. It's like a ghost.

I had some uterine pain today, which is what really pushed me to nap. These are the days that decide everything. It's no wonder I'd like to sleep right through them.

I am so very scared.

7dpiui

I'm moderately hyperstimulated. :(

*chugs water*

Please don't let this all be for naught.

5dpiui

I broke down and POAS yesterday, and it was a faint positive. So, the HCG was still there. Today, it's a faint, faint, faint positive. :) I think there will be nothing by tomorrow! (Today is 7d post-Ovidrel.)

The good news is that I am still bloated beyond belief! My boobs are still heavy and sore, and I still had some random pains. AND, I was nauseous like crazy this morning. Woot!

The symptom game is unbearable this month. My apologies for being obnoxious.

4dpiui

I feel like crap. My nips are killing me, and my boobs feel like sandbags. My lower abdomen is just all kinds of tender with weird pains left and right. I've still got the fullness/jiggly feeling in the ovaries, though it's just more tenderness and an overall feeling to just be careful. I've got weird burning sensations, too, and I'm bloated to all hell. I'm just generally uncomfortable and feeling craptastic.

Am I the only one who has felt shittier after the IUI? I expected to feel this way during the injections, but instead, we stopped all the meds, and I'm a mess. I feel like expectations are also kicking my ass right now. Feeling relatively good during the injections made me think we were through the worst of this cycle. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

I know I owe an IUI recap, but I think I'm just going to pass this one up. Honestly, I'm kind of talked out about it. It was a little more emotionally taxing than I thought it was going to be, and I ended up just feeling kind of numb about the whole thing. Shock maybe? I'm not really sure. I had a little group around me that knew what was going on that day, and I think I tapped myself out by sharing so much. I needed the support, but then I needed the support to vanish for a bit. I don't really know how to explain it. The best I can come up with is that it was just an overload of sorts. The best decision I made was to take the whole day off. I had some intense cramping in the morning before the IUI (which means the timing was perfect), but it took most of the day to subside and I was glad to have nothing to do but lounge on the couch watching crap TV. If we're going through this again, I think taking time off on the day of is definitely part of the plan.

The beta is 14Oct09, but if my period is coming, it should be coming right around that time. We're 6 days past the HCG shot, and I'm thinking of peeing on OPKs in lieu of HPTs to see if I can watch the HCG leave my system. My shot was only 6500 IU, so I think it could be close to leaving. We'll see. This will definitely be a game time decision. Today, I want TH to buy them while he's out. If I will actually want to pee on anything may change at any time.

One day at a time.

HCG shot?

I know I owe an IUI recap, but things are a little chaotic around here to say the least. I'm thinking Sunday should give me some quiet time to type it out. Suffice it to say, the timing was perfect b/c I was crampy all morning, thus I was ovulating right on time.

I have an HCG shot question, though. I took the shot Monday. Starting Wednesday night, my nips were getting uncomfy. Yesterday was worse, and this morning it's awful. Is it common to feel symptoms getting worse the further you are out from the date of the shot?

I swore I wouldn't play the symptom game b/c of the shot, but how can you when nothing can touch your nipples?!