I'm scared. I'm so scared I don't even have words.
The hyperstimulation seems to have subsided, and I don't know whether that's a good thing or not. I'm sure you think I'm crazy, but from reading, it seems like if you're pregnant, it sticks around or gets worse. I'm still bloated, and my abdomen still feels icky, but it's not nearly as bad. Do I chalk it up to acupuncture and lots of fluids (and maybe some positive thoughts, too?), or is this a bad sign I need to start accepting?
My boobs are killing me, though. I think that's good, but I'm so nervous right now that I can't really see the positive in much. The whole damn boob hurts, or aches, and I have to wear a bra, which is usually not a requirement. They're bigger and firmer, and my nips are definitely more sensitive than they were a few days ago. We're back to where they were about a week ago.
Can anyone shut my mind off?
I woke up this morning with some cramping, and I just laid there, thinking. We're on a blow-up mattress in the back room of my mom's house. We got up for a little bit to eat, but I just felt tired again. And, really, I just wanted TH right next to me and to hold me. We ended up taking a nap, so the amount of sleep I've had today is kind of ridiculous. It is rainy and dreary here, so maybe I should just blame it on sleepy weather and a desperate need for some downtime.
It's been 11 days since the trigger, and the positive on the tests has gotten fainter than I ever believed a pregnancy test could get. It was like a shadow of a shadow yesterday. It kind of reconfirms all those stark white negatives, you know? And never did I think I would ever be wishing for a stark white negative. Where did you go? Why did you leave me? I don't know what to make of that faint grey shadow. It's like a ghost.
I had some uterine pain today, which is what really pushed me to nap. These are the days that decide everything. It's no wonder I'd like to sleep right through them.
I am so very scared.
09 October 2009
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I'm still cheering you on and hoping and praying that your IF journey is over and your pregnancy journey is just beginning.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you, that these signs are baby snuggling in!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm praying this begins a new journey for you. When do you test at the dr?
ReplyDeleteI wish that I had something to say that would assauge your fears and help soothe and calm you. All I can say is that all of your symptoms sound really positive to me.
ReplyDeleteYou are in my thoughts and prayers.
*hugs*
Oh goodness, K. What an uncertain place you're in. =(
ReplyDeleteI really do think that the high protein and fluid intake helped to squash your OHSS symptoms. And I've read on other blogs that OHSS is only made exceptionally worse by twin pregnancies (I could be talking out of my ass, but I'm pretty sure this is true).
I hope your bbs continue to give you hell, and that you get a definite answer very soon. Hang in there.