I'm *incredibly* excited about Halloween for the first time in years. I might have to do a blog reveal picture of our costumes sometime next week. We're going to be entirely too cute. :)
As for TTC, I'm pilling away over here with the birth control. I don't feel like talking much about anything lately, hence the quiet fingers. I made it through my midterm, and I'm just gearing up for this weekend with my SMT (and TH). TH usually doesn't come to Boston with me, so it will be a different sort of trip but fun nonetheless. Can't. Wait.
If we were on the IVF path, I would have started Lupron yesterday. I took a moment to think about it, and then I took an even bigger moment to enjoy the mood I am in that has absolutely nothing to do with trying to have a baby. I'm back to Suzy Homemaker with the Apartment Therapy Home Cure. Our black chandelier shades arrived yesterday, and I just about peed my pants. :)
I don't really want to talk about trying to have a baby these days...so I'm just not. And I don't really want to talk about work, either. It's kind of a nice feeling. :)
28 October 2009
23 October 2009
Quick Update
I'm really busy with school and work right now, and I haven't had a chance to update. Quickly, we had an appt with the RE for some preliminary IVF testing and a talk about where things are currently and where they are going. We also have pretty much deduced that there is very little insurance money left for the year, and it's not even close to enough to make a dent in the total IVF cost, thus leaving us with more than what we really want to pay right now (seeing as in a few short months, we'll be fully covered.)
So, this may sound kind of funny, but we're doing two Clomid cycles to get us through the year. The more I thought about it, the more we realized we're not so afraid of IVF (really, I'm prepared for January), it was more the unexpected change in plans and progression. We feel like none of this is in our control (b/c it isn't), but we can control the pace. Neither one of us was happy with the thoughts of trying at home and waiting out my 30+ cycles with 1 wk of fertile time. We also didn't want to waste Rx money out of the lifetime max, as we were both (and the doc) was concerned about my response to the injectables and the potential for more OHSS or cancelled cycles. We were both wondering why we couldn't just do Clomid in the meantime so we feel like we are doing something (scheduled, timed, and controlled) rather than taking a break or just being left to our own devices. Well, without us bringing it up, the RE had the same idea. I feel like our expectations aren't as weighted as they were with the shots, but I don't feel as though we'll be drifting in the seas like I did with our cycles at home. And, we have finite times b/c of the controlled cycle. Win, win, win.
If we make it to January, we're fully insured, we're doing it on our terms, and we're going into it full steam ahead. This cycle wouldn't have been any of that, and that's not how we roll. I was trying not to feel like my fear was getting in our way, but the more I thought about it, with all that we've been through this year, I've never felt such fear as I did last week. That was me telling me that it wasn't right. And it wasn't. I can't tell you the weight that has been lifted since we finally agreed to let it go for now. I'm excited for the Clomid cycle. Yes, it has a MUCH lower chance of success, but I'm excited b/c it's what is right for us right now. I want to be excited going into IVF so I can fully concentrate on that 70% chance we were given with it. But, if we don't make it there, I won't be all that sad, either. ;)
Happy ICLW! I'll be commenting on study breaks over the weekend! Mid-term on Monday for the Homework from Hell Class. Eek! And I'm currently obsessed with The Cure.
AND, yesterday I touched a liver during a living donor transplant. AWESOME.
Welcome back to the land of the living.
So, this may sound kind of funny, but we're doing two Clomid cycles to get us through the year. The more I thought about it, the more we realized we're not so afraid of IVF (really, I'm prepared for January), it was more the unexpected change in plans and progression. We feel like none of this is in our control (b/c it isn't), but we can control the pace. Neither one of us was happy with the thoughts of trying at home and waiting out my 30+ cycles with 1 wk of fertile time. We also didn't want to waste Rx money out of the lifetime max, as we were both (and the doc) was concerned about my response to the injectables and the potential for more OHSS or cancelled cycles. We were both wondering why we couldn't just do Clomid in the meantime so we feel like we are doing something (scheduled, timed, and controlled) rather than taking a break or just being left to our own devices. Well, without us bringing it up, the RE had the same idea. I feel like our expectations aren't as weighted as they were with the shots, but I don't feel as though we'll be drifting in the seas like I did with our cycles at home. And, we have finite times b/c of the controlled cycle. Win, win, win.
If we make it to January, we're fully insured, we're doing it on our terms, and we're going into it full steam ahead. This cycle wouldn't have been any of that, and that's not how we roll. I was trying not to feel like my fear was getting in our way, but the more I thought about it, with all that we've been through this year, I've never felt such fear as I did last week. That was me telling me that it wasn't right. And it wasn't. I can't tell you the weight that has been lifted since we finally agreed to let it go for now. I'm excited for the Clomid cycle. Yes, it has a MUCH lower chance of success, but I'm excited b/c it's what is right for us right now. I want to be excited going into IVF so I can fully concentrate on that 70% chance we were given with it. But, if we don't make it there, I won't be all that sad, either. ;)
Happy ICLW! I'll be commenting on study breaks over the weekend! Mid-term on Monday for the Homework from Hell Class. Eek! And I'm currently obsessed with The Cure.
AND, yesterday I touched a liver during a living donor transplant. AWESOME.
Welcome back to the land of the living.
18 October 2009
How did you feel?
Going into your first IVF cycle?
I don't really have time to update, but as of right now, we're on board for our first IVF. I started the bcp (oh the irony!) on Thursday, and then I subsequently had a breakdown of semi-massive proportions where I told TH that I'm just not ready. How do you know when you're ready? Are you ever ready? Is the fear a bad gut reaction to this or is it just the fear of repeating the massive fall that was induced by the failed IUI cycle? I just feel like our chances are running out. And don't get me started on the cost. I just end up ANGRY.
The RE suggested that we move on to IVF if my ovaries hadn't completely quieted from last cycle's OHSS. Well, in true My Body fashion, I am rockin' about 5 cysts right now. (And the RE's office wouldn't call them cysts b/c "it scares some patients". Um, okay?! Meanwhile, it confused the hell out of TH and I about what was really goin' down in there. CYSTS. It's what they are!)
So, we went in for CD3 bloodwork to start the 2nd IUI/injectables cycle, and the moment the u/s showed my ovaries, I started crying. I knew going in that we were going to get cancelled, and as soon as I saw the screen, the tears just wouldn't stop. When I had talked to the doc on CD1, he had suggested IVF for this next cycle if the ovaries were still showing cysts. He also said we could wait a cycle (but at 30-40 day cycles, trying at home is not on our list of desired attempts right now) and then do another IUI/injectable cycle. But, he said if that one didn't work, he'd really suggest just moving on to IVF.
Here we are. Day 4 of bcp. I'm scheduled to start Lupron on 27Oct09. When I start stimming, I'll only be using Follistim b/c of the OHSS last cycle. Estimated retrieval is a month from now.
Holy shit.
I'm such a rollercoaster. Yesterday, I was a little excited. Today, I'm terrified again. I keep thinking that I should be going into this less scared and more excited and hopeful. If this doesn't work, will I blame myself for the lack of a positive attitude (in addition to all the structural and biological problems)? I think I'm still in shock that the last cycle didn't work. I think I'm in shock that we're moving to IVF, when I had mentally prepared for IVF in January, IF we got there.
Well, here we are. Then is now. And I am so very scared, emotional and alone.
*****
Here are some clarifications on my thought processes:
-I've already had two surgeries this year. The first, I was completely ready for. The second, I didn't want so close to the first, but I knew it had to be done. I know that my decision to do it right after we had the early m/c was right b/c I don't know that I would have agreed to it so soon after the first. (My lap was in February, and my uterine septum resection was in May.)
-The doctor has mentioned that he thinks my body is in a bit of turmoil after all the surgeries and such that it has gone through this year. (Countless procedures/tests as well.) From that notion, I'm not sure how IVF sounds like a good idea, if that is, in fact, the reason he thinks I'm not getting pregnant.
-We are not entirely self pay. I have some insurance coverage, and TH is being a doll and sorting it all out with the insurance company as we speak to find out just how much we have left. Starting Jan '10, I will be on an insurance plan that covers IVF, though I will still have a $15k lifetime max on meds.
-With the hyperstimulation, I am nervous that if we do another injectables only cycle that I will be hyperstimulated again and the cycle cancelled. I'm also nervous about hyperstimulation with the ER, as I'm sure he'll be aiming for more eggs than the 3-4 he aimed for with the last cycle.
-Cryopreservation is a lot for me to emotionally handle. I don't know if this is a common feeling or if this is b/c I work in research and have frozen BACTERIA samples the same way they would freeze our embryos or what, but the thoughts make antsy. I don't know what the success rates are with FET (I desperately need to do some research), and I don't know if it would just be better to do another ER if we have to do another cycle. But, that's another surgery and more insurance money. And, I'm about surgeried out.
-I'm grieving. I'm in the angry stage of grief. I'm mad that we have to factor things like cost and insurance for a CHANCE to get pregnant, not even a guarantee. I'm angry that I have to pay for something that most people get for free, sometimes even on a drunken night of fun. I'm mad that I will have to have another round of anesthesia in my effort to get pregnant. I'm also mad b/c I don't know if it's denial or if it's fact, but I don't think this is the only way they think I'm going to get pregnant. Maybe we just need more patience, if I'm not ready for IVF. It just seems like things got a whole lot more confuddled since we started the medicated cycles. I had so looked forward to this, but it just made things way more complicated.
-I don't know why this isn't working, and since we can't come to an understanding of where the processes is breaking down, I don't know why I should have faith that IVF will work.
-I'm afraid of what will happen if the cycle doesn't work. Or, if the cycle does work and I lose the baby. We have a limited number of tries with IVF, and I'm afraid of using one of those tries up. Two weeks ago, we had used 1/5 tries. Now, with us skipping two more IUIs, we only have tries #4 and #5 left. What then? Am I ready to give those up? Will I ever be ready?
-And to further explain the fear, this past week has been hell. I'm in a daze. One moment, I am totally fine. The next moment, I'm a tearful mess for no apparent reason. I'm withdrawing. I'm clinging to TH. I'm trying to escape this anyway I can. I just feel like I'm sinking. May was bad, but this seems just like it, if not worse. I'm in a fog, just going through the emotions, until they break through and make me cry. I don't know how to join the world again this time.
-But most of all, I want this to be over. When I hear the 50-60% chance of success, it rings of hope. I want to have a baby. Maybe I just need to suck it up this last step of the way and just get through it. I've been tough this whole year. I've ponied up to the two previous surgeries and never looked back. I did what needed to be done. Maybe IVF is just what needs to be done right now. The problem is that I'm just not certain it's the right time. And you all know how I feel about things falling into place.
-Which brings me to my last point. I'm big on gut feelings. After a few incidents where he didn't trust mine, TH trusts my gut, too. On Thursday, I was convinced this wasn't right and we needed to stop it. Yet, here I am, bcp pack in hand, still taking them. I can't discern what's fear and what's my gut feeling. I'm just too riled up to sort it all out.
I don't really have time to update, but as of right now, we're on board for our first IVF. I started the bcp (oh the irony!) on Thursday, and then I subsequently had a breakdown of semi-massive proportions where I told TH that I'm just not ready. How do you know when you're ready? Are you ever ready? Is the fear a bad gut reaction to this or is it just the fear of repeating the massive fall that was induced by the failed IUI cycle? I just feel like our chances are running out. And don't get me started on the cost. I just end up ANGRY.
The RE suggested that we move on to IVF if my ovaries hadn't completely quieted from last cycle's OHSS. Well, in true My Body fashion, I am rockin' about 5 cysts right now. (And the RE's office wouldn't call them cysts b/c "it scares some patients". Um, okay?! Meanwhile, it confused the hell out of TH and I about what was really goin' down in there. CYSTS. It's what they are!)
So, we went in for CD3 bloodwork to start the 2nd IUI/injectables cycle, and the moment the u/s showed my ovaries, I started crying. I knew going in that we were going to get cancelled, and as soon as I saw the screen, the tears just wouldn't stop. When I had talked to the doc on CD1, he had suggested IVF for this next cycle if the ovaries were still showing cysts. He also said we could wait a cycle (but at 30-40 day cycles, trying at home is not on our list of desired attempts right now) and then do another IUI/injectable cycle. But, he said if that one didn't work, he'd really suggest just moving on to IVF.
Here we are. Day 4 of bcp. I'm scheduled to start Lupron on 27Oct09. When I start stimming, I'll only be using Follistim b/c of the OHSS last cycle. Estimated retrieval is a month from now.
Holy shit.
I'm such a rollercoaster. Yesterday, I was a little excited. Today, I'm terrified again. I keep thinking that I should be going into this less scared and more excited and hopeful. If this doesn't work, will I blame myself for the lack of a positive attitude (in addition to all the structural and biological problems)? I think I'm still in shock that the last cycle didn't work. I think I'm in shock that we're moving to IVF, when I had mentally prepared for IVF in January, IF we got there.
Well, here we are. Then is now. And I am so very scared, emotional and alone.
*****
Here are some clarifications on my thought processes:
-I've already had two surgeries this year. The first, I was completely ready for. The second, I didn't want so close to the first, but I knew it had to be done. I know that my decision to do it right after we had the early m/c was right b/c I don't know that I would have agreed to it so soon after the first. (My lap was in February, and my uterine septum resection was in May.)
-The doctor has mentioned that he thinks my body is in a bit of turmoil after all the surgeries and such that it has gone through this year. (Countless procedures/tests as well.) From that notion, I'm not sure how IVF sounds like a good idea, if that is, in fact, the reason he thinks I'm not getting pregnant.
-We are not entirely self pay. I have some insurance coverage, and TH is being a doll and sorting it all out with the insurance company as we speak to find out just how much we have left. Starting Jan '10, I will be on an insurance plan that covers IVF, though I will still have a $15k lifetime max on meds.
-With the hyperstimulation, I am nervous that if we do another injectables only cycle that I will be hyperstimulated again and the cycle cancelled. I'm also nervous about hyperstimulation with the ER, as I'm sure he'll be aiming for more eggs than the 3-4 he aimed for with the last cycle.
-Cryopreservation is a lot for me to emotionally handle. I don't know if this is a common feeling or if this is b/c I work in research and have frozen BACTERIA samples the same way they would freeze our embryos or what, but the thoughts make antsy. I don't know what the success rates are with FET (I desperately need to do some research), and I don't know if it would just be better to do another ER if we have to do another cycle. But, that's another surgery and more insurance money. And, I'm about surgeried out.
-I'm grieving. I'm in the angry stage of grief. I'm mad that we have to factor things like cost and insurance for a CHANCE to get pregnant, not even a guarantee. I'm angry that I have to pay for something that most people get for free, sometimes even on a drunken night of fun. I'm mad that I will have to have another round of anesthesia in my effort to get pregnant. I'm also mad b/c I don't know if it's denial or if it's fact, but I don't think this is the only way they think I'm going to get pregnant. Maybe we just need more patience, if I'm not ready for IVF. It just seems like things got a whole lot more confuddled since we started the medicated cycles. I had so looked forward to this, but it just made things way more complicated.
-I don't know why this isn't working, and since we can't come to an understanding of where the processes is breaking down, I don't know why I should have faith that IVF will work.
-I'm afraid of what will happen if the cycle doesn't work. Or, if the cycle does work and I lose the baby. We have a limited number of tries with IVF, and I'm afraid of using one of those tries up. Two weeks ago, we had used 1/5 tries. Now, with us skipping two more IUIs, we only have tries #4 and #5 left. What then? Am I ready to give those up? Will I ever be ready?
-And to further explain the fear, this past week has been hell. I'm in a daze. One moment, I am totally fine. The next moment, I'm a tearful mess for no apparent reason. I'm withdrawing. I'm clinging to TH. I'm trying to escape this anyway I can. I just feel like I'm sinking. May was bad, but this seems just like it, if not worse. I'm in a fog, just going through the emotions, until they break through and make me cry. I don't know how to join the world again this time.
-But most of all, I want this to be over. When I hear the 50-60% chance of success, it rings of hope. I want to have a baby. Maybe I just need to suck it up this last step of the way and just get through it. I've been tough this whole year. I've ponied up to the two previous surgeries and never looked back. I did what needed to be done. Maybe IVF is just what needs to be done right now. The problem is that I'm just not certain it's the right time. And you all know how I feel about things falling into place.
-Which brings me to my last point. I'm big on gut feelings. After a few incidents where he didn't trust mine, TH trusts my gut, too. On Thursday, I was convinced this wasn't right and we needed to stop it. Yet, here I am, bcp pack in hand, still taking them. I can't discern what's fear and what's my gut feeling. I'm just too riled up to sort it all out.
12 October 2009
Whatya know?
I was right.
I'm starting to spot.
I only had an 11 day LP. I think I will bring this up with the doc. It might get pushed to 12, but I think I will have flow by 9pm.
I called the pharmacy to refill my Rx.
I'm back to being in shock.
I also feel like the Idiot Girl Who Thought It Would Work on the First Try.
I don't have time to cry today b/c I'm off to class.
The numbness is back, and we all know that doesn't usually last very long.
I can't really believe this is happening. Remember when we were worried about multiples? Hahahahahaha. Joke's on me.
Fuck!
I'm starting to spot.
I only had an 11 day LP. I think I will bring this up with the doc. It might get pushed to 12, but I think I will have flow by 9pm.
I called the pharmacy to refill my Rx.
I'm back to being in shock.
I also feel like the Idiot Girl Who Thought It Would Work on the First Try.
I don't have time to cry today b/c I'm off to class.
The numbness is back, and we all know that doesn't usually last very long.
I can't really believe this is happening. Remember when we were worried about multiples? Hahahahahaha. Joke's on me.
Fuck!
11 October 2009
11 dpiui (I can't wait to go home)
It's over. I haven't started my period, but I inexplicably know that it's over. I had an unbearable meltdown this morning, to the point where we had to leave church and just go back to my mom's, alone, for some sobbing, holding, and calming. The whole point of this visit was to celebrate my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary. And while we did celebrate with them, we did not celebrate the way that was the intention of this trip (church with the WHOLE family, cake afterwards, and then lunch at a nearby restaurant).
I couldn't sit through church. I took a test this morning, and the numbness of the stark white line hit me in full force. I succeeded in getting ready, but it all started to collapse when we were sitting in church.
TH is not a fan of God, and as of late, he (God, not TH) and I are Fighting. I couldn't sit there, fresh on our most recent failure, and listen to words of how God loves all of us, he takes care of us in our darkest hours, cries with us, blesses us. There was a special focus on the verse "Jesus wept" and how he weeps with you. Well, Jesus, are you tired of crying yet? I certainly don't feel you at my side when I'm staining TH's shirt with tears and choking on my hair from crying so hard. When will you decide that we've cried enough tears together? Letting me hear today that children are a gift from God wasn't really all that helpful in the fight to stop the weeping.
I don't know how some of you are able to stay devout believers in all of this or how you can attend church each week. You must have a stronger faith than me, I suppose. I don't really know what else to say.
So, I had to leave church barely 5 minutes into the sermon. I left with tears running down my face, and I had to text my stepdad to tell him we had to go. I don't know what they told the rest of our family, but I do believe Grandma knows the reason we left. We told her everything last night, because she asked, and she knew it was near the end of this cycle and I was struggling. I'm just so very sorry I couldn't be stronger today and finish out the day. I tried, but the tears just wouldn't stop once they started flowing. It took hours, not minutes this time.
And, somewhere, in the cruelty of it all, I hold the fact that I'm not out until TOM starts in a deep recess of my heart. I think I hate that more than anything right now because the rest of me knows so very well that it's over. I've known since acupuncture, the bagpipes, and the choir on Thursday. I tried so very hard to believe otherwise, but I apparently gave in today.
Now, we just wait. Begin again, Finnigan.
I couldn't sit through church. I took a test this morning, and the numbness of the stark white line hit me in full force. I succeeded in getting ready, but it all started to collapse when we were sitting in church.
TH is not a fan of God, and as of late, he (God, not TH) and I are Fighting. I couldn't sit there, fresh on our most recent failure, and listen to words of how God loves all of us, he takes care of us in our darkest hours, cries with us, blesses us. There was a special focus on the verse "Jesus wept" and how he weeps with you. Well, Jesus, are you tired of crying yet? I certainly don't feel you at my side when I'm staining TH's shirt with tears and choking on my hair from crying so hard. When will you decide that we've cried enough tears together? Letting me hear today that children are a gift from God wasn't really all that helpful in the fight to stop the weeping.
I don't know how some of you are able to stay devout believers in all of this or how you can attend church each week. You must have a stronger faith than me, I suppose. I don't really know what else to say.
So, I had to leave church barely 5 minutes into the sermon. I left with tears running down my face, and I had to text my stepdad to tell him we had to go. I don't know what they told the rest of our family, but I do believe Grandma knows the reason we left. We told her everything last night, because she asked, and she knew it was near the end of this cycle and I was struggling. I'm just so very sorry I couldn't be stronger today and finish out the day. I tried, but the tears just wouldn't stop once they started flowing. It took hours, not minutes this time.
And, somewhere, in the cruelty of it all, I hold the fact that I'm not out until TOM starts in a deep recess of my heart. I think I hate that more than anything right now because the rest of me knows so very well that it's over. I've known since acupuncture, the bagpipes, and the choir on Thursday. I tried so very hard to believe otherwise, but I apparently gave in today.
Now, we just wait. Begin again, Finnigan.
09 October 2009
9 dpiui (Michigan)
I'm scared. I'm so scared I don't even have words.
The hyperstimulation seems to have subsided, and I don't know whether that's a good thing or not. I'm sure you think I'm crazy, but from reading, it seems like if you're pregnant, it sticks around or gets worse. I'm still bloated, and my abdomen still feels icky, but it's not nearly as bad. Do I chalk it up to acupuncture and lots of fluids (and maybe some positive thoughts, too?), or is this a bad sign I need to start accepting?
My boobs are killing me, though. I think that's good, but I'm so nervous right now that I can't really see the positive in much. The whole damn boob hurts, or aches, and I have to wear a bra, which is usually not a requirement. They're bigger and firmer, and my nips are definitely more sensitive than they were a few days ago. We're back to where they were about a week ago.
Can anyone shut my mind off?
I woke up this morning with some cramping, and I just laid there, thinking. We're on a blow-up mattress in the back room of my mom's house. We got up for a little bit to eat, but I just felt tired again. And, really, I just wanted TH right next to me and to hold me. We ended up taking a nap, so the amount of sleep I've had today is kind of ridiculous. It is rainy and dreary here, so maybe I should just blame it on sleepy weather and a desperate need for some downtime.
It's been 11 days since the trigger, and the positive on the tests has gotten fainter than I ever believed a pregnancy test could get. It was like a shadow of a shadow yesterday. It kind of reconfirms all those stark white negatives, you know? And never did I think I would ever be wishing for a stark white negative. Where did you go? Why did you leave me? I don't know what to make of that faint grey shadow. It's like a ghost.
I had some uterine pain today, which is what really pushed me to nap. These are the days that decide everything. It's no wonder I'd like to sleep right through them.
I am so very scared.
The hyperstimulation seems to have subsided, and I don't know whether that's a good thing or not. I'm sure you think I'm crazy, but from reading, it seems like if you're pregnant, it sticks around or gets worse. I'm still bloated, and my abdomen still feels icky, but it's not nearly as bad. Do I chalk it up to acupuncture and lots of fluids (and maybe some positive thoughts, too?), or is this a bad sign I need to start accepting?
My boobs are killing me, though. I think that's good, but I'm so nervous right now that I can't really see the positive in much. The whole damn boob hurts, or aches, and I have to wear a bra, which is usually not a requirement. They're bigger and firmer, and my nips are definitely more sensitive than they were a few days ago. We're back to where they were about a week ago.
Can anyone shut my mind off?
I woke up this morning with some cramping, and I just laid there, thinking. We're on a blow-up mattress in the back room of my mom's house. We got up for a little bit to eat, but I just felt tired again. And, really, I just wanted TH right next to me and to hold me. We ended up taking a nap, so the amount of sleep I've had today is kind of ridiculous. It is rainy and dreary here, so maybe I should just blame it on sleepy weather and a desperate need for some downtime.
It's been 11 days since the trigger, and the positive on the tests has gotten fainter than I ever believed a pregnancy test could get. It was like a shadow of a shadow yesterday. It kind of reconfirms all those stark white negatives, you know? And never did I think I would ever be wishing for a stark white negative. Where did you go? Why did you leave me? I don't know what to make of that faint grey shadow. It's like a ghost.
I had some uterine pain today, which is what really pushed me to nap. These are the days that decide everything. It's no wonder I'd like to sleep right through them.
I am so very scared.
07 October 2009
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