to hold Babel in my arms. Good Lord, am I ready. But, as much as I am ready, just like as much as I was ready to be pregnant, how ready I am does not mean a damn thing. Babel's not ready, and thus, I have to wait.
I didn't know I would feel this way. I find myself frustrated that I can't patiently wait out these 100+ days and cherish the feeling of Babel kicking around in my belly. I'm almost certain I will miss these feelings when Babel is living in the outside world, yet at this very moment, I desperately want to hold him.
I first felt these feelings after the anatomy scan. It took me the full day after to realize that my sadness and irritability was over the date not being what I wanted it to be. I have a sweet picture of Babel covering his little face, exposing his little baby armpit, and oh, how I long to feel that crease of skin where his arm meets his torso. I ache for that little bit of Babel's body, much in the way that I used to ache to feel his kicks.
I don't want Babel to come now; I simply want it to be his due date *right now*. I sometimes fear that my impatient thoughts will make him come to us too soon, which is the last thing I want. Babel is like a not fully baked cake, the SMT says. He's firm on the outside, but under that top layer, his insides are still all runny. I know this, yet I still wish for it to be time.
On Monday, we had to go to the hospital for a little monitoring, though everything was just fine. Babel is breech and stepping/tap dancing/kicking all of my lady bits, sometimes sinking down and increasing the pressure when I stand up or go to the bathroom. I had a wee bit of back pain like I do when my period comes, so that, combined with the very low pressure, was just a little concerning. When I called the doctor, I expected her to maybe have me come in to the office, but more likely I expected to be told more fluids and more rest. Instead, she said "labor and delivery" and I momentarily panicked. I amazingly pulled myself together, though, in a matter of minutes. I listened to my body, knew that we were okay, and took it as a little extra peek at Babel.
When we arrived there and were hooked the monitors, TH and I were lighthearted, talking to Babel, listening to his feisty kicks. He obviously disliked the pressure of the monitors, for which I was glad, as he had been pretty quiet before that. But the more I sat there, listening to the woman on the other side of the triage curtain, the one who was giving birth to her baby in the coming hours, the sadness creeped in. I walked in to the hospital reminding Babel it was too soon and to stay put, yet I laid in that bed, wishing that it was magically January and Time.
Is this a leftover infertility present? I calculated that we started trying 4 months after our wedding day, and 38 months after that same day, Babel will be in my arms. Are my feelings just the result of our lengthy wait? I have been waiting for Babel's arrival for what feels like so long, and as we approach the doorstep, the shortest wait we have had yet, it feels entirely unbearable. And yet, I feel this way knowing that the days that I carry Babel all to myself are numbered. After him, I may never have these sensations again. I know this. I fear it. Yet, I can't help but be filled with longing for Babel's sweet baby skin in my hands, his breath on my cheek, his cries in my ears.
I am trying so very, very hard to be right here with Babel in these moments, yet no matter what I do, I want him to feel these moments as vividly as I do, breathing his own air and telling me his secrets without my interpretations. My hands are ready to hold his; the skin of my belly, his house, are no longer enough.
I still long for my baby, even while he's right here with me. What will be enough?
22 September 2010
06 September 2010
The Things You Don't Expect
It's been a long time since I clicked on "New Post". It's hard, girls. Really hard.
This little blogger box is where I went with my sadness. My days are mostly happy (mostly), but the ones that are chaotic and overwhelming don't come close to touching the sadness of those where I placed my fingers to the keys to let all the words out. The overwhelming feelings are just different, and they're not just pregnant mama kinds of worries. There are a lot of days where I still feel like I'm in No Man's Land.
First, I must tell you that the 20 week u/s, done on the dot and not a day sooner (much to my dismay), revealed a healthy, perfect little boy. From the start, I knew Baby was a boy, in a way I can't easily explain to most of the world. If IVF#2 hadn't worked, I was retiring our treatment jerseys indefinitely. I know many of you know that feeling. After the chemical of IVF#1, I vowed to try one more time, and you all were witness to my resolve and TH's strength in carrying me through. The shots, the calls, the counts. Everything. I handed it all over and let TH take care of me (or us).
In the days of the betas, the ones that started out low and played tricks for treats, I survived. When we made it past those days and I could finally breathe again, I started to think about the life that had made it through those few days that no other had yet accomplished. I told myself there was something different about this baby, different good. Out of all the babies who could have been, this baby stayed.
I started to feel Baby's strength. I marveled at it, and not too long after, I was certain Baby was a boy. Baby was strong. Girls are strong (just look at his mama), but this was fierce boy energy I felt. "Little boys grow into men that take care of their mamas," I told TH. "Baby is a boy."
Baby, or Luka Mihai, as he will be called (Babel here), takes care of me. I've felt him before most women feel their babies. I've talked to him when the fears get to be too much. Getting out of the first tri didn't magically stop all of the worries, and I've leaned on Babel to carry us through. I've already learned to trust him in a way I can't always trust myself. My little man and his tati (daddy in Romanian) take care of my fears.
My mom threw us a shower in Michigan over the weekend. I've been a terrible guest of honor, stalking the registries and shopping for baby clothes, unable to resist the Gap clearance rack with a coupon. I couldn't wait for our trip to the midwest, and I eagerly hopped in the car with TH, short on luggage and ready to bring back pretty little things for Babel.
The night before the shower was not what I expected. After a few days of shopping for Babel's room, my mom's present for us for the shower, and an increase in Babel's waking time in the belly, I was exhausted and overwhelmed. Too much baby in too little time. Where did this feeling come from? And how can I make it STOP?
The panic set in. My shower outfit was a pair of white dress pants with an empire waisted navy maternity shirt. I had been on the living room floor with The Belle and Oldest Little Brother doing yoga tricks and watching The Belle's pretty handstands. I overdid it and stretched my belly muscles a little, and the timing couldn't have been worse. As we got into bed, TH had to hold me to calm me down. I was certain I had ruined Babel's home (if only the doctor hadn't cautioned me about yoga that week!) and that things would go very badly for my white pants and baby at the impending shower. Hadn't my mother told me it was too early for the shower to be held? What had I been thinking? Oh no, oh no, oh no. I spiraled.
TH finally calmed me with a few little kicks from Babel. I slept fitfully, partially from the migraine I'd been trying to shake and partially from the fear. How many mothers visualize the loss of their baby the night before their shower to celebrate the life growing within them? To say I was not ready for these feelings and disappointed in myself are an understatement. The self blame definitely didn't help.
The next morning came, and I was left to get ready by myself while the rest of the house was sleeping. I primped carefully, fearing my weight gain would be the talk of the shower, hoping the hair I'd worked so hard to blow dry would take away some of the focus. The Belle's first words to me when she came into the bathroom to brush her teeth were, "Your hair is BEAUTIFUL." I exhaled, just a little.
When we were finally in the car and on our way, the nerves finally gave way. The Belle was in the backseat, and try as I might, I couldn't keep the tears from falling. I silently cried the whole way to the shower. I cried tears of fear and happiness. I cried out of sadness of all the days that had come before, the ones that made me believe this drive to the shower would never, ever happen. I cried out of love for Babel, who must have felt my emotions and happily kicked me the whole hour ride there. I cried when I touched my fully belly, and I cried at all the songs on the radio, not the least to What I Love About Sundays, which made me cry for all of you who have been on this road with me. I cried out of nervousness that I am pregnant, going to the shower my mother and grandmother meticulously planned for our new little family, knowing that 90% of the people in the room would not have a clue how much this day meant to me, to Babel.
When I told the SMT about my fears and tears, she understood. We've reached another milestone, which simultaneously requires rejoicing and nervousness that all the rejoicing could be taken away in an instant. But it wasn't. And every minute that went past, every moment one step further into the party, I relaxed just a little bit more. I never became the life of the party, and I never forgot the torrent of the emotions leading into those hours. But for that finite amount of time, I just was. I was the mama, carrying the Babel and opening the presents. Tati took the pictures and held my eyes when needed. And everyone else just happily celebrated Babel's impending birth.
And there we were.
This little blogger box is where I went with my sadness. My days are mostly happy (mostly), but the ones that are chaotic and overwhelming don't come close to touching the sadness of those where I placed my fingers to the keys to let all the words out. The overwhelming feelings are just different, and they're not just pregnant mama kinds of worries. There are a lot of days where I still feel like I'm in No Man's Land.
First, I must tell you that the 20 week u/s, done on the dot and not a day sooner (much to my dismay), revealed a healthy, perfect little boy. From the start, I knew Baby was a boy, in a way I can't easily explain to most of the world. If IVF#2 hadn't worked, I was retiring our treatment jerseys indefinitely. I know many of you know that feeling. After the chemical of IVF#1, I vowed to try one more time, and you all were witness to my resolve and TH's strength in carrying me through. The shots, the calls, the counts. Everything. I handed it all over and let TH take care of me (or us).
In the days of the betas, the ones that started out low and played tricks for treats, I survived. When we made it past those days and I could finally breathe again, I started to think about the life that had made it through those few days that no other had yet accomplished. I told myself there was something different about this baby, different good. Out of all the babies who could have been, this baby stayed.
I started to feel Baby's strength. I marveled at it, and not too long after, I was certain Baby was a boy. Baby was strong. Girls are strong (just look at his mama), but this was fierce boy energy I felt. "Little boys grow into men that take care of their mamas," I told TH. "Baby is a boy."
Baby, or Luka Mihai, as he will be called (Babel here), takes care of me. I've felt him before most women feel their babies. I've talked to him when the fears get to be too much. Getting out of the first tri didn't magically stop all of the worries, and I've leaned on Babel to carry us through. I've already learned to trust him in a way I can't always trust myself. My little man and his tati (daddy in Romanian) take care of my fears.
My mom threw us a shower in Michigan over the weekend. I've been a terrible guest of honor, stalking the registries and shopping for baby clothes, unable to resist the Gap clearance rack with a coupon. I couldn't wait for our trip to the midwest, and I eagerly hopped in the car with TH, short on luggage and ready to bring back pretty little things for Babel.
The night before the shower was not what I expected. After a few days of shopping for Babel's room, my mom's present for us for the shower, and an increase in Babel's waking time in the belly, I was exhausted and overwhelmed. Too much baby in too little time. Where did this feeling come from? And how can I make it STOP?
The panic set in. My shower outfit was a pair of white dress pants with an empire waisted navy maternity shirt. I had been on the living room floor with The Belle and Oldest Little Brother doing yoga tricks and watching The Belle's pretty handstands. I overdid it and stretched my belly muscles a little, and the timing couldn't have been worse. As we got into bed, TH had to hold me to calm me down. I was certain I had ruined Babel's home (if only the doctor hadn't cautioned me about yoga that week!) and that things would go very badly for my white pants and baby at the impending shower. Hadn't my mother told me it was too early for the shower to be held? What had I been thinking? Oh no, oh no, oh no. I spiraled.
TH finally calmed me with a few little kicks from Babel. I slept fitfully, partially from the migraine I'd been trying to shake and partially from the fear. How many mothers visualize the loss of their baby the night before their shower to celebrate the life growing within them? To say I was not ready for these feelings and disappointed in myself are an understatement. The self blame definitely didn't help.
The next morning came, and I was left to get ready by myself while the rest of the house was sleeping. I primped carefully, fearing my weight gain would be the talk of the shower, hoping the hair I'd worked so hard to blow dry would take away some of the focus. The Belle's first words to me when she came into the bathroom to brush her teeth were, "Your hair is BEAUTIFUL." I exhaled, just a little.
When we were finally in the car and on our way, the nerves finally gave way. The Belle was in the backseat, and try as I might, I couldn't keep the tears from falling. I silently cried the whole way to the shower. I cried tears of fear and happiness. I cried out of sadness of all the days that had come before, the ones that made me believe this drive to the shower would never, ever happen. I cried out of love for Babel, who must have felt my emotions and happily kicked me the whole hour ride there. I cried when I touched my fully belly, and I cried at all the songs on the radio, not the least to What I Love About Sundays, which made me cry for all of you who have been on this road with me. I cried out of nervousness that I am pregnant, going to the shower my mother and grandmother meticulously planned for our new little family, knowing that 90% of the people in the room would not have a clue how much this day meant to me, to Babel.
When I told the SMT about my fears and tears, she understood. We've reached another milestone, which simultaneously requires rejoicing and nervousness that all the rejoicing could be taken away in an instant. But it wasn't. And every minute that went past, every moment one step further into the party, I relaxed just a little bit more. I never became the life of the party, and I never forgot the torrent of the emotions leading into those hours. But for that finite amount of time, I just was. I was the mama, carrying the Babel and opening the presents. Tati took the pictures and held my eyes when needed. And everyone else just happily celebrated Babel's impending birth.
And there we were.
13 August 2010
I'm here, really
It's a little late for this to be my first one of these, but I figured I'd do it anyway.
How far along: 18w4d
Total Weight Gain: 10 lbs.
Symptoms: I had a migraine at the start of the week, but it only lasted two days, as opposed to the 5 days they've lasted in previous weeks. This is a small victory. :) I've got more aversions than cravings for sure. I've had some minor heartburn at times, but that's about it for this week. I've turned a sharp corner since about 13-14 weeks.
Stretch Marks: Nope.
Sleep: It's a pretty big production for me to roll over already, so I can only imagine what that means for later weeks, LOL. I'm a huge fan of the Boppy pregnancy pillow we bought, even though I originally thought it was outrageously expensive. Um, it might be worth it's weight in gold right now. Right away, I had issues with the belly feeling unsupported during sleep, and since I've been trying to warm up to sleeping on my left side, I think the pillow has helped that transition significantly.
Best Moment Last Week: I turned Baby by doing a supported bridge on a block (yoga). Feeling Baby do a turn is NUTS. It's intense but crazy fun, all at the same time. I've been feeling the sensation since about 13 weeks or so, about once a week. Craziness.
Movement: Yep! I've been feeling little thumps a lot more in the past 2 weeks. I can't wait until it gets more consistent, though I suspect that my opinion on that might change! :)
Food Cravings: Anything that doesn't sound revolting? I ate a hotdog for breakfast a few days ago b/c that was the only thing even remotely appealing. I'm not all that into sweets, which is really odd for my stress-eating sweet tooth.
What I Miss: Of all things, a mimosa. I'm not a huge drinker, but for some reason, I'd really, really like one.
What am I looking forward to: 10 days until the official reveal! We were told at the NT scan that there were boy parts (we have a picture!), but we've yet to confirm this with another u/s. (The OB's office has a pretty old machine, so there's not much to see when we have an appt.)
The baby shower is Labor Day weekend, and I'm totally stoked! Someone bought our stroller!!! Somehow, this gave me another one of those moments that said, "Holy chit, we're having a baby!"
Milestones: I finished the summer session of class yesterday! Two more classes (6 credits) and the thesis until I'm done!!!!
How is Daddy? Oh, Tati. He doesn't like it when I poke Baby to try to get him moving, yet he's also a little bummed that Erika has felt Baby move more than he has! He's still brimming over with excitement, and he's dealing with me buying baby things like a champ. A few weeks ago he insisted it was time to buy the blinds for Baby's room. :)
__________________________________
I've had a few posts brewing, and now that school is out, I'm hoping they will make it out of my brain by way of my fingertips on the keyboard. I didn't realize blogging would be so much harder after getting pregnant, though some of that is definitely related to trying to juggle pregnancy and school without enough of a rest. Hopefully things will be a little smoother sailing from here on out, even if only for a few weeks. I'm relishing in this little break. :)
How far along: 18w4d
Total Weight Gain: 10 lbs.
Symptoms: I had a migraine at the start of the week, but it only lasted two days, as opposed to the 5 days they've lasted in previous weeks. This is a small victory. :) I've got more aversions than cravings for sure. I've had some minor heartburn at times, but that's about it for this week. I've turned a sharp corner since about 13-14 weeks.
Stretch Marks: Nope.
Sleep: It's a pretty big production for me to roll over already, so I can only imagine what that means for later weeks, LOL. I'm a huge fan of the Boppy pregnancy pillow we bought, even though I originally thought it was outrageously expensive. Um, it might be worth it's weight in gold right now. Right away, I had issues with the belly feeling unsupported during sleep, and since I've been trying to warm up to sleeping on my left side, I think the pillow has helped that transition significantly.
Best Moment Last Week: I turned Baby by doing a supported bridge on a block (yoga). Feeling Baby do a turn is NUTS. It's intense but crazy fun, all at the same time. I've been feeling the sensation since about 13 weeks or so, about once a week. Craziness.
Movement: Yep! I've been feeling little thumps a lot more in the past 2 weeks. I can't wait until it gets more consistent, though I suspect that my opinion on that might change! :)
Food Cravings: Anything that doesn't sound revolting? I ate a hotdog for breakfast a few days ago b/c that was the only thing even remotely appealing. I'm not all that into sweets, which is really odd for my stress-eating sweet tooth.
What I Miss: Of all things, a mimosa. I'm not a huge drinker, but for some reason, I'd really, really like one.
What am I looking forward to: 10 days until the official reveal! We were told at the NT scan that there were boy parts (we have a picture!), but we've yet to confirm this with another u/s. (The OB's office has a pretty old machine, so there's not much to see when we have an appt.)
The baby shower is Labor Day weekend, and I'm totally stoked! Someone bought our stroller!!! Somehow, this gave me another one of those moments that said, "Holy chit, we're having a baby!"
Milestones: I finished the summer session of class yesterday! Two more classes (6 credits) and the thesis until I'm done!!!!
How is Daddy? Oh, Tati. He doesn't like it when I poke Baby to try to get him moving, yet he's also a little bummed that Erika has felt Baby move more than he has! He's still brimming over with excitement, and he's dealing with me buying baby things like a champ. A few weeks ago he insisted it was time to buy the blinds for Baby's room. :)
__________________________________
I've had a few posts brewing, and now that school is out, I'm hoping they will make it out of my brain by way of my fingertips on the keyboard. I didn't realize blogging would be so much harder after getting pregnant, though some of that is definitely related to trying to juggle pregnancy and school without enough of a rest. Hopefully things will be a little smoother sailing from here on out, even if only for a few weeks. I'm relishing in this little break. :)
22 July 2010
I Say a Little Prayer for You ♥
When I Look to the Sky:
When it rains it pours and opens doors
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't have before
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss
And pick you up in all of this when I sail away
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave
Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
to see me over everything that life may send me
When I am hoping it won't pass me by
And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
there you are to show me
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
18 July 2010
Free Endometrin
Do any out-of-pocketer's need some? I have one full box of 21 inserts and a 2nd box with 10, both 100mg doses. They expire 09/10.
Leave me a comment with your email, and we'll talk. :)
I hope no one minds me doing this again, but I'd rather give these to someone who could use them than toss them, especially given the cost of treatments.
Leave me a comment with your email, and we'll talk. :)
I hope no one minds me doing this again, but I'd rather give these to someone who could use them than toss them, especially given the cost of treatments.
10 July 2010
(((Acupuncture)))
It's no secret that I love going to acupuncture each weekend. I love going into the city on the weekend, visiting the farmer's market or just doing a little shopping in Man.hattan after the appointment. You also know how much I cherish Erika, her quirky tattoos and happy smile.
For the past two sessions, I have loved acupuncture for yet another reason. Last week, Baby had a little dance party during my rest period. He was like a little fish, swirling around in there. This week, Baby flat out went nuts. Before the lights were even down for my rest time, Baby was squirming around in there like a little goober. It was awesome! Rest? Are you kidding me? Baby was MOVING!!! I could barely contain myself. I was seriously tempted to pull out the needle in one of my wrists so that I could put my hand on my belly. Yesterday at Baby Yoga, we had a sub teacher who was telling us to feel the baby's calm energy, a thought I had never pondered before. Baby has energy? Indeed!
It's pretty early for me to be feeling baby, but the more I feel the movements, the more I am certain that's what I feel. I've been feeling them since 11weeks, and I'm almost 14 now. It's not kicks, and I dislike the comparison to butterflies. Sometimes it feels like the the way water ripples when you cause a stir under it, soft underwater waves (hence the flopping fish reference). Today, it felt less ripply and much more flopping fish, LOL. I felt a little random feeling in my lower back and even one closer to my belly button, though most were lower, halfway between my belly button and pelvic bone. I'm pretty sure the few random places confirm that Baby was twisting and twirling in there, wondering what. the. heck. was going on out there. Meanwhile, I couldn't relax for a second, dreaming of what was going on with Baby *in* there and what he might be feeling.
I can't wait until next week, and if TH can't feel the movements this week, he's coming along. He's a wee bit upset that Erika felt the first baby movements on my belly, but I am not so surprised. Clearly Baby likes visiting Erika just as much as I do. ♥
For the past two sessions, I have loved acupuncture for yet another reason. Last week, Baby had a little dance party during my rest period. He was like a little fish, swirling around in there. This week, Baby flat out went nuts. Before the lights were even down for my rest time, Baby was squirming around in there like a little goober. It was awesome! Rest? Are you kidding me? Baby was MOVING!!! I could barely contain myself. I was seriously tempted to pull out the needle in one of my wrists so that I could put my hand on my belly. Yesterday at Baby Yoga, we had a sub teacher who was telling us to feel the baby's calm energy, a thought I had never pondered before. Baby has energy? Indeed!
It's pretty early for me to be feeling baby, but the more I feel the movements, the more I am certain that's what I feel. I've been feeling them since 11weeks, and I'm almost 14 now. It's not kicks, and I dislike the comparison to butterflies. Sometimes it feels like the the way water ripples when you cause a stir under it, soft underwater waves (hence the flopping fish reference). Today, it felt less ripply and much more flopping fish, LOL. I felt a little random feeling in my lower back and even one closer to my belly button, though most were lower, halfway between my belly button and pelvic bone. I'm pretty sure the few random places confirm that Baby was twisting and twirling in there, wondering what. the. heck. was going on out there. Meanwhile, I couldn't relax for a second, dreaming of what was going on with Baby *in* there and what he might be feeling.
I can't wait until next week, and if TH can't feel the movements this week, he's coming along. He's a wee bit upset that Erika felt the first baby movements on my belly, but I am not so surprised. Clearly Baby likes visiting Erika just as much as I do. ♥
07 July 2010
Where's my box?
I was invited to a yoga mommies online group in our neighborhood by the baby yoga teacher. It took her a few weeks to add us newbies, during which time I was grateful for time to adjust. The first emails I received were about nanny shares and local daycare reviews, and I was happily part of the club. It soon started to fade...
There have been threads about post-partum periods returning.
"Mine never came back because I got pregnant with H right away, hehe!"
"I bf until S was 3.5, and it stayed away the whole time."
"BF as birth control doesn't work!"
Then we moved onto the midwife and doula recommendations. We're currently contemplating a doula, so I tuned in on this one, too.
"Home births ROCK! EVERYone should consider one."
"Don't use an OB!! They push their own agendas; mine didn't want me to ______. UGH!"
Next was, "I'm dilated to 4.5 cm and the OB wants me to go to the hospital, but I am NOT DOING PITOCIN AGAIN, so should I go to the hospital or wait it out at home?! HELP, now!"
*headdesk*
I can't. Really, I can't.
I've read posts about this, and I knew one day it would hit me, but I just wasn't prepared. I'm part hippy, but I'm also part science. Hello, science gave me this little one growing inside me. How could I completely turn my back on all things medicine?
I love yoga, believe in being spiritual, am super aware of my body and its balance, and frequent an acupuncturist. I work for transplant docs, work on trials to put new and necessary drugs on the market, love manipulating DNA, and get super excited at visiting an OR (when I'm not the patient). I used to be vegetarian, but I don't go crazy for organics, though I do love farmer's markets. I love the city and the way it makes me focus on simplicity in my home and enriches my life with a million different cultures, but I feel most calm near water and yearn for suburban Michigan summers.
I'm complex...so where's my checkmark going to land in the mommy boxes? I don't want a birth plan because I've learned that we don't get to plan how the baby part of life goes. I've learned to give up all control, find my own way of peace, and roll with the punches. I trust my husband fully, and I know we're in a great partnership to take care of this baby. I'm going to finish my masters right before Baby arrives, and I am so tempted to stay home with Baby that I canceled an interview for a higher position because I'm not ready to close off any options. I want a doula, but I also want access to a great NICU just in case we need it. I drink caffeine, but I won't go near deli meat, even though I just *had* to have a few hotdogs in the first weeks of pregnancy. I like balance, and the pendulum doesn't swing unevenly around these parts. I know my ground.
But most of all, I'm a pregnant infertile. I fight daily to enjoy these days of pregnancy, sometimes not fighting at all and sometimes wrestling like mad. I know what it took to get here, and I will never, ever forget that battle. (How can I when I know we'll probably enter it again?) I don't worry about medical procedures or shots, I don't balk at vaginal ultrasounds, and I don't ever stay silent when someone says something ignorant about infertility. I've learned to live in the present and love Baby fully with fear in my heart during the tough moments. I am proud of my little belly, and I take no shame in touching it. I've earned that loving touch, and I want my baby to feel it whenever the thought crosses my mind.
So where's my box? Where are my companions on this journey because I thought crossing the line was supposed to make me feel less isolated in the real world? Or was that just the idealized version we tell ourselves to get us through the fight?
There have been threads about post-partum periods returning.
"Mine never came back because I got pregnant with H right away, hehe!"
"I bf until S was 3.5, and it stayed away the whole time."
"BF as birth control doesn't work!"
Then we moved onto the midwife and doula recommendations. We're currently contemplating a doula, so I tuned in on this one, too.
"Home births ROCK! EVERYone should consider one."
"Don't use an OB!! They push their own agendas; mine didn't want me to ______. UGH!"
Next was, "I'm dilated to 4.5 cm and the OB wants me to go to the hospital, but I am NOT DOING PITOCIN AGAIN, so should I go to the hospital or wait it out at home?! HELP, now!"
*headdesk*
I can't. Really, I can't.
I've read posts about this, and I knew one day it would hit me, but I just wasn't prepared. I'm part hippy, but I'm also part science. Hello, science gave me this little one growing inside me. How could I completely turn my back on all things medicine?
I love yoga, believe in being spiritual, am super aware of my body and its balance, and frequent an acupuncturist. I work for transplant docs, work on trials to put new and necessary drugs on the market, love manipulating DNA, and get super excited at visiting an OR (when I'm not the patient). I used to be vegetarian, but I don't go crazy for organics, though I do love farmer's markets. I love the city and the way it makes me focus on simplicity in my home and enriches my life with a million different cultures, but I feel most calm near water and yearn for suburban Michigan summers.
I'm complex...so where's my checkmark going to land in the mommy boxes? I don't want a birth plan because I've learned that we don't get to plan how the baby part of life goes. I've learned to give up all control, find my own way of peace, and roll with the punches. I trust my husband fully, and I know we're in a great partnership to take care of this baby. I'm going to finish my masters right before Baby arrives, and I am so tempted to stay home with Baby that I canceled an interview for a higher position because I'm not ready to close off any options. I want a doula, but I also want access to a great NICU just in case we need it. I drink caffeine, but I won't go near deli meat, even though I just *had* to have a few hotdogs in the first weeks of pregnancy. I like balance, and the pendulum doesn't swing unevenly around these parts. I know my ground.
But most of all, I'm a pregnant infertile. I fight daily to enjoy these days of pregnancy, sometimes not fighting at all and sometimes wrestling like mad. I know what it took to get here, and I will never, ever forget that battle. (How can I when I know we'll probably enter it again?) I don't worry about medical procedures or shots, I don't balk at vaginal ultrasounds, and I don't ever stay silent when someone says something ignorant about infertility. I've learned to live in the present and love Baby fully with fear in my heart during the tough moments. I am proud of my little belly, and I take no shame in touching it. I've earned that loving touch, and I want my baby to feel it whenever the thought crosses my mind.
So where's my box? Where are my companions on this journey because I thought crossing the line was supposed to make me feel less isolated in the real world? Or was that just the idealized version we tell ourselves to get us through the fight?
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