11 dpiui (I can't wait to go home)

It's over. I haven't started my period, but I inexplicably know that it's over. I had an unbearable meltdown this morning, to the point where we had to leave church and just go back to my mom's, alone, for some sobbing, holding, and calming. The whole point of this visit was to celebrate my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary. And while we did celebrate with them, we did not celebrate the way that was the intention of this trip (church with the WHOLE family, cake afterwards, and then lunch at a nearby restaurant).

I couldn't sit through church. I took a test this morning, and the numbness of the stark white line hit me in full force. I succeeded in getting ready, but it all started to collapse when we were sitting in church.

TH is not a fan of God, and as of late, he (God, not TH) and I are Fighting. I couldn't sit there, fresh on our most recent failure, and listen to words of how God loves all of us, he takes care of us in our darkest hours, cries with us, blesses us. There was a special focus on the verse "Jesus wept" and how he weeps with you. Well, Jesus, are you tired of crying yet? I certainly don't feel you at my side when I'm staining TH's shirt with tears and choking on my hair from crying so hard. When will you decide that we've cried enough tears together? Letting me hear today that children are a gift from God wasn't really all that helpful in the fight to stop the weeping.

I don't know how some of you are able to stay devout believers in all of this or how you can attend church each week. You must have a stronger faith than me, I suppose. I don't really know what else to say.

So, I had to leave church barely 5 minutes into the sermon. I left with tears running down my face, and I had to text my stepdad to tell him we had to go. I don't know what they told the rest of our family, but I do believe Grandma knows the reason we left. We told her everything last night, because she asked, and she knew it was near the end of this cycle and I was struggling. I'm just so very sorry I couldn't be stronger today and finish out the day. I tried, but the tears just wouldn't stop once they started flowing. It took hours, not minutes this time.

And, somewhere, in the cruelty of it all, I hold the fact that I'm not out until TOM starts in a deep recess of my heart. I think I hate that more than anything right now because the rest of me knows so very well that it's over. I've known since acupuncture, the bagpipes, and the choir on Thursday. I tried so very hard to believe otherwise, but I apparently gave in today.

Now, we just wait. Begin again, Finnigan.