How do you handle it? It looks like we might make it to tomorrow, even though I am basked in negatives.
Our original plan was to have the office call TH so that I don't have to get that news alone. It turns out that tomorrow, I will be off gallivanting around the city with the Germans. I don't want to get that call with them in a random store. :/ But, I also don't want TH to get the news and have to carry it around all by himself. I want to be *with* him when we get the news. I don't want him to carry the burden of having to tell me, nor do I want him to get to celebrate alone. And we've also got houseguests, so there's a good chance there will be other people privy to this announcement, either way it goes. I suspect it's going to be emotional either way, and I'm suddenly very protective of that emotion.
Ideas? Suggestions? Why is a beta scaring me more than anything right now? I'm terrified of making it that far and then getting shot down via a blood test. It's like the ultimate rejection. You *have* to believe it. It's weird b/c I was always so envious of the beta tests, and now I am *dreading* it tomorrow. I think it's much nicer to hear "not pregnant" from TH's side of the bed in the early morning, read off a digital. The random Aussie nurse calling to tell me? No good can come from that.
How did I never think of the violations of the beta call? I've been so caught up in the vag assaults that I completely missed the effects of the beta call. We're about to be stripped of our emotional cling to each other because an outsider is about to bear our news first.
I am selfish. I want it to be ours and ours alone. I've given up conception. I've given up passionate lovemaking that leads to conception. But I have *not* given up the cling to TH when one of us first reads that negative test, and it seems incredibly unfair that we might have to give up our first positive going that way, as well.
But first, I have to make it to the beta tomorrow. Please.
02 December 2009
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babe. have them call TH. ok? No matter how much you think you are prepared for a negative, hearing it from the doctor or nurse is worse than worse. now, i do hope it is good news! i want this so badly for you. i love you.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever gotten this far before? I like to think it didn't occur to you because you haven't. Why do that to yourself and think about it if you didn't have to?
ReplyDeleteI agree with Summer and think they should call TH. No way is going to be perfect, we're way beyond perfect here...now is the time for protection, and it seems the best way to be protected.
I sure hope it is positive and the tests are just not sensitive enough!! I will be praying for you!
ReplyDeleteYep, beta calls can suck, although I hear some people actually get good news from them. I'm hoping you are one of them :)
ReplyDeleteAFM, I tested before hand, so I knew what the results would be, or so I thought...however, I got the dreaded "you are pregnant, BUT..." phone call. (It was a the first second line we'd ever seen, so we thought we would be getting good news from the clinic.) In our case our clinic is on the west coast and we live on the east coast, so the three our time difference and the fact that I waited until noon to have my blood drawn all but guarenteed they wouldn't call me until I was home from work, which was a blessing. But still a big fat OUCH.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that you'll get good news tomorrow!
I wish you could be alone (together) tomorrow for the beta. I naively thought I would be okay at work. I was delusional. Learning the (bad) news from the doctor and then going back to work was the WORST. I couldn't do it. I ended up crying and having to leave work with colleagues wondering what happened. Not very smooth.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the clinic should call TH and he should call you.
Oh Sweetie. I totally know the feeling of being protective over this emotion. When I am waiting for that call, I suddenly wish that no one else knew that I was waiting, except for J and we can either bask in the excitement or drown in our sorrows together, with no one waiting by the sidelines for us to repeat (what has been for us) the news none of us want to hear.
ReplyDeleteI am keeping my fingers crossed for that BFP tomorrow! Have them call TH, if for no other reason than just to share the burden of anticipation and maybe, possibly, make it a little easier on yourself.
For one, I WANT you to make it to Beta tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I think it makes sense for TH to be receiving the info before you do. Also, you could come home, and both of you could take a silly trip to some store, sit in the parking lot and make the call...if you could do that?
I'm late to the party, but I'll keep my fingers crossed that you get good news!
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