I'm here, really

It's a little late for this to be my first one of these, but I figured I'd do it anyway.

How far along: 18w4d

Total Weight Gain: 10 lbs.

Symptoms: I had a migraine at the start of the week, but it only lasted two days, as opposed to the 5 days they've lasted in previous weeks. This is a small victory. :) I've got more aversions than cravings for sure. I've had some minor heartburn at times, but that's about it for this week. I've turned a sharp corner since about 13-14 weeks.

Stretch Marks: Nope.

Sleep: It's a pretty big production for me to roll over already, so I can only imagine what that means for later weeks, LOL. I'm a huge fan of the Boppy pregnancy pillow we bought, even though I originally thought it was outrageously expensive. Um, it might be worth it's weight in gold right now. Right away, I had issues with the belly feeling unsupported during sleep, and since I've been trying to warm up to sleeping on my left side, I think the pillow has helped that transition significantly.

Best Moment Last Week: I turned Baby by doing a supported bridge on a block (yoga). Feeling Baby do a turn is NUTS. It's intense but crazy fun, all at the same time. I've been feeling the sensation since about 13 weeks or so, about once a week. Craziness.

Movement: Yep! I've been feeling little thumps a lot more in the past 2 weeks. I can't wait until it gets more consistent, though I suspect that my opinion on that might change! :)

Food Cravings: Anything that doesn't sound revolting? I ate a hotdog for breakfast a few days ago b/c that was the only thing even remotely appealing. I'm not all that into sweets, which is really odd for my stress-eating sweet tooth.

What I Miss: Of all things, a mimosa. I'm not a huge drinker, but for some reason, I'd really, really like one.

What am I looking forward to: 10 days until the official reveal! We were told at the NT scan that there were boy parts (we have a picture!), but we've yet to confirm this with another u/s. (The OB's office has a pretty old machine, so there's not much to see when we have an appt.)

The baby shower is Labor Day weekend, and I'm totally stoked! Someone bought our stroller!!! Somehow, this gave me another one of those moments that said, "Holy chit, we're having a baby!"

Milestones: I finished the summer session of class yesterday! Two more classes (6 credits) and the thesis until I'm done!!!!

How is Daddy? Oh, Tati. He doesn't like it when I poke Baby to try to get him moving, yet he's also a little bummed that Erika has felt Baby move more than he has! He's still brimming over with excitement, and he's dealing with me buying baby things like a champ. A few weeks ago he insisted it was time to buy the blinds for Baby's room. :)


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I've had a few posts brewing, and now that school is out, I'm hoping they will make it out of my brain by way of my fingertips on the keyboard. I didn't realize blogging would be so much harder after getting pregnant, though some of that is definitely related to trying to juggle pregnancy and school without enough of a rest. Hopefully things will be a little smoother sailing from here on out, even if only for a few weeks. I'm relishing in this little break. :)

I Say a Little Prayer for You ♥

I've been a bad blogger lately, but today's an important one. Many of us know about young angels who leave our lives too soon, and the SMT is no stranger to this concept either. So, if you have a moment today, send up a little prayer of peace and love for her and SMU♥. He left this world too soon and before I had a chance to meet him, but I'm certain he would have been the perfect TH for her. Her heart hurts today (as do those of ours who love her), so a sweet little thought for her is much appreciated. And feel free to ask the SMU♥ to give any of your little angels a kiss. I know I've asked him repeatedly to give a little love to ours.


When I Look to the Sky:

When it rains it pours and opens doors
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye

And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go

Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't have before
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss
And pick you up in all of this when I sail away

And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave

Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
to see me over everything that life may send me
When I am hoping it won't pass me by

And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
there you are to show me

Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

Free Endometrin

Do any out-of-pocketer's need some? I have one full box of 21 inserts and a 2nd box with 10, both 100mg doses. They expire 09/10.

Leave me a comment with your email, and we'll talk. :)

I hope no one minds me doing this again, but I'd rather give these to someone who could use them than toss them, especially given the cost of treatments.

(((Acupuncture)))

It's no secret that I love going to acupuncture each weekend. I love going into the city on the weekend, visiting the farmer's market or just doing a little shopping in Man.hattan after the appointment. You also know how much I cherish Erika, her quirky tattoos and happy smile.

For the past two sessions, I have loved acupuncture for yet another reason. Last week, Baby had a little dance party during my rest period. He was like a little fish, swirling around in there. This week, Baby flat out went nuts. Before the lights were even down for my rest time, Baby was squirming around in there like a little goober. It was awesome! Rest? Are you kidding me? Baby was MOVING!!! I could barely contain myself. I was seriously tempted to pull out the needle in one of my wrists so that I could put my hand on my belly. Yesterday at Baby Yoga, we had a sub teacher who was telling us to feel the baby's calm energy, a thought I had never pondered before. Baby has energy? Indeed!

It's pretty early for me to be feeling baby, but the more I feel the movements, the more I am certain that's what I feel. I've been feeling them since 11weeks, and I'm almost 14 now. It's not kicks, and I dislike the comparison to butterflies. Sometimes it feels like the the way water ripples when you cause a stir under it, soft underwater waves (hence the flopping fish reference). Today, it felt less ripply and much more flopping fish, LOL. I felt a little random feeling in my lower back and even one closer to my belly button, though most were lower, halfway between my belly button and pelvic bone. I'm pretty sure the few random places confirm that Baby was twisting and twirling in there, wondering what. the. heck. was going on out there. Meanwhile, I couldn't relax for a second, dreaming of what was going on with Baby *in* there and what he might be feeling.

I can't wait until next week, and if TH can't feel the movements this week, he's coming along. He's a wee bit upset that Erika felt the first baby movements on my belly, but I am not so surprised. Clearly Baby likes visiting Erika just as much as I do. ♥

Where's my box?

I was invited to a yoga mommies online group in our neighborhood by the baby yoga teacher. It took her a few weeks to add us newbies, during which time I was grateful for time to adjust. The first emails I received were about nanny shares and local daycare reviews, and I was happily part of the club. It soon started to fade...

There have been threads about post-partum periods returning.

"Mine never came back because I got pregnant with H right away, hehe!"

"I bf until S was 3.5, and it stayed away the whole time."

"BF as birth control doesn't work!"

Then we moved onto the midwife and doula recommendations. We're currently contemplating a doula, so I tuned in on this one, too.

"Home births ROCK! EVERYone should consider one."

"Don't use an OB!! They push their own agendas; mine didn't want me to ______. UGH!"

Next was, "I'm dilated to 4.5 cm and the OB wants me to go to the hospital, but I am NOT DOING PITOCIN AGAIN, so should I go to the hospital or wait it out at home?! HELP, now!"

*headdesk*

I can't. Really, I can't.

I've read posts about this, and I knew one day it would hit me, but I just wasn't prepared. I'm part hippy, but I'm also part science. Hello, science gave me this little one growing inside me. How could I completely turn my back on all things medicine?

I love yoga, believe in being spiritual, am super aware of my body and its balance, and frequent an acupuncturist. I work for transplant docs, work on trials to put new and necessary drugs on the market, love manipulating DNA, and get super excited at visiting an OR (when I'm not the patient). I used to be vegetarian, but I don't go crazy for organics, though I do love farmer's markets. I love the city and the way it makes me focus on simplicity in my home and enriches my life with a million different cultures, but I feel most calm near water and yearn for suburban Michigan summers.

I'm complex...so where's my checkmark going to land in the mommy boxes? I don't want a birth plan because I've learned that we don't get to plan how the baby part of life goes. I've learned to give up all control, find my own way of peace, and roll with the punches. I trust my husband fully, and I know we're in a great partnership to take care of this baby. I'm going to finish my masters right before Baby arrives, and I am so tempted to stay home with Baby that I canceled an interview for a higher position because I'm not ready to close off any options. I want a doula, but I also want access to a great NICU just in case we need it. I drink caffeine, but I won't go near deli meat, even though I just *had* to have a few hotdogs in the first weeks of pregnancy. I like balance, and the pendulum doesn't swing unevenly around these parts. I know my ground.

But most of all, I'm a pregnant infertile. I fight daily to enjoy these days of pregnancy, sometimes not fighting at all and sometimes wrestling like mad. I know what it took to get here, and I will never, ever forget that battle. (How can I when I know we'll probably enter it again?) I don't worry about medical procedures or shots, I don't balk at vaginal ultrasounds, and I don't ever stay silent when someone says something ignorant about infertility. I've learned to live in the present and love Baby fully with fear in my heart during the tough moments. I am proud of my little belly, and I take no shame in touching it. I've earned that loving touch, and I want my baby to feel it whenever the thought crosses my mind.

So where's my box? Where are my companions on this journey because I thought crossing the line was supposed to make me feel less isolated in the real world? Or was that just the idealized version we tell ourselves to get us through the fight?

Small updates

-Today is 12 weeks! I can't believe I've been carrying Baby for 10 weeks now. It seems like it's gone so fast and so slow, all at the same time.

-I've started feeling flutters, which make me happy, happy, happy. I felt them three separate times last week. I can't wait for more!

-My appetite returned this weekend, and it was very much welcomed. I actually had some vegetarian Indian yesterday. I can't tell you the last time I had some spinach.

-I've applied for two jobs in the past week. One is higher position in a different department. It's no longer working with patients and more like managing a decent sized clinical trial. For the right salary, I'd take it, but we'll have to see. I was recommended by someone with a great reputation/impact within the university, and the job has been open for over a month. I think I have a pretty good shot at it, but I'm not sure it's the right fit.

-The reason I'm not set on the above job is that I applied for a part-time position in peds. It's two steps up, so the part-time pay might not be all that far off from my current regular pay. If I could get them to pay for this last semester of school, I'd definitely take it. We've been debating whether or not it's worth it financially for me to stay home after the baby comes. I'd have to go back to work for a few months after, but that's about all we're sure about. I'd be completely willing to start up with the part-time work now, as I've been kind of panicked about writing my thesis, taking the last two classes, getting everything ready for baby, and having some time to relax a little before the baby arrives. When I look back on the past year, it's been insane with school and the treatments. I know I have to finish school (even if I'm dragging some major ass right now about it), but I just want some breathing room. I'm also hating my job and the fact that any paths in front of me have closed. My job was never meant to be a longterm gig, and when the degree is done in December, it will have served it's purpose. So, it will be interesting to see how everything plays out. Now is not an ideal time to be job searching, but these positions have kind of just fallen into my lap.

-Everyone is finding out about baby this week. I told work at our weekly meeting today. A fair amount of the women knew because of getting coverage for treatments, so it wasn't too many people to inform. I was super nervous to tell everyone...how do you say it?! So, I just did and thanked them for all the last minute coverage they had to provide for all my appointments. So, I'm also out of the infertility closet.

-The fam is coming this weekend. They may or may not be staying with us because of The Middle Child's allergies. I'm thrilled to see them, but I'm also wondering if I will be a little overwhelmed as well. We have not been keeping up with the apt as much as we normally do, so there will be a cleaning frenzy this weekend. I get tired super easily, and TH has had bigger tasks than cleaning to take on these past few weekends. The good news is that we're making progress on some outstanding projects. The bad news is the equivalent of the state of our "white" tub.

-The cat is coming out of the bag about Baby this week. ♥♥♥ It's such a relief to be able to share the excitement, and it gets me excited all over again each time. As if I needed help.

-I'm collecting the guesses on whether Baby is a boy or a girl, and EVERYone thinks we're having a girl. Only TH and I think boy. Well, Erika has joined us, as she's trusting my instincts. Every time to imagine us with a girl, boy stuff just pops up instead. I can't "see" the girl in my mind, but boy things come easily and aplenty. It goes without saying that we're happy either way, though I sat through a LOVELY conversation in which I walked away after some annoying old man tried to lecture me about this. Save the lecture, my friend. It's not one you need to give us. But anyway, I'm having a super time hearing everyone's guesses and their reasons for it. I had to bare the belly at a BBQ Sat night (during said annoying lecture, actually) for an aunt to give her opinion. Play the game, folks! But if you ever express disappointment, tread lightly!

-NT scan on Friday. Our next OB appt is two weeks after that, so we're doing great with getting me to only have to wait a few weeks between u/s. For that, I am thankful.
And, I'll leave you with the internet unveiling of my uterus, happily filled.

What I Love About Sundays

Bedtime soon, so let's cut to the chase:

1. My appetite! Oh, it has been so long since I have seen and felt you. So glad you made an appearance on the day that held fresh, grilled mititei. Nom.

2. Throwing up sans nausea. Kind of cool and WAY better than constant nausea. TH also inherited the one remaining knish.

3. Three hour naps. Need I say more?

4. Tomorrow is my last class for this summer session! The final is on Wednesday, and I am so ready for a break, even if it's only a week.

5. Sleepy kitties. Jones accosted me for some loving about 15 minutes ago and then promptly crashed on the couch. She's to my right, passed out with her legs all out in front of her, and Smith is on my left, curled up in a ball on his favorite pillow. Love.

6. Telling teenage boys they are going to be uncles. Super cute. Roberto, 16, gives about the same amount of emotion and dialogue as a stone statue these days, but the huge smile was apparent through his voice. (He's the one famous for the comment about not wanting me to have babies yet b/c he was unemployed and thus would only be able to buy the baby socks.) The Middle Child, 13, has already determined that the baby is a girl, as per some movie he watched, which he will show me upon their arrival later this week, because more girls are born in January. I have no idea how he pulled that out of his ass, but I suspect he'll show/tell me next weekend, as promised. The Middle Child is also The Talker. Mom apparently asked each of them what I told them after they were done talking to me: Roberto said I was buying him a new car, and The Middle Child told her I was taking him to a Yankee game. Goobers.

7. The fam is visiting for the holiday weekend, and The Belle, 12, is more than likely staying with us. The Middle Child has wicked cat allergies, so I think everyone else will stay at the nearby hotel. I can't wait for sister time. We're both craving it.

So, what's going to carry you into a hot and sweaty Monday morning? What was great about your week(end)?