All day, I have tried to find the words. I don't have any, so I'm not going to try. I feel numb, which is better than the deep, trying pain I felt yesterday.
I really don't know what happens now. I have to go in for bloodwork on Thursday. I don't want to go, but I will like I always do. The bleeding started, and I had some uterus cramping today. It just felt like a tight little knot, my uterus. I suspect the worst might be over, but we'll see how tomorrow goes.
Since my beta was so low, I suspect that it won't take long to get back down to 0. Is there any correlation to the bleeding starting and the beta number? I really have no idea about what's going on. And, for whatever reason, I have zero interest in calling the RE to find out. No thanks.
Are we going to have to wait a full cycle before we do another round of Clomid/IUI? Does this all depend on Thursday's bloodwork?
What happens now? Can someone please just put the pieces back together for me and tell me what happens next? I just want to get back on the trying wagon ASAP. I made TH promise me that we wouldn't stop, even if I thought it might be a good idea in the days to come. I know myself, and I know it's better for me to soldier on. I am taking care of myself in other ways.
This is our second loss now. Some might not recognize the first because I never saw a positive test, but I know we conceived with the March cycle and it didn't implant. Not seeing that positive was a blessing. This was nothing but hell on earth. Even the RE said these kinds of pregnancies were awful. Somehow, that was comforting.
I just don't understand why God would give me a baby just to take it away. What's the point? I remember a few months ago when I had the church breakdown over "Jesus wept". Were you weeping with me yesterday Jesus? I think you've gone missing because I was in a very dark place and awfully alone. God has all the power to make me happy, yet he just keeps makin' me cry. I do not understand.
I was reading a website about miscarriages just now, and it had a list of advice for people if they were reading the website on behalf of someone else (ie they were the support, not the one that needed support).
"Don't say that they can always have another...(they wanted this one)."
Yes, yes, yes. We really wanted this one.
09 December 2009
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Again, I'm so sorry. So incredibly sorry.
ReplyDeleteI'm just so sorry for your loss. I felt every single emotion described. All of them. I really do wish I had never seen that positive HPT. I my mind this would have been so much easier if it was just negative. The betrayal I felt by my body and by god was absolutely the hardest part of this process. And I started questioning how he could have let this happen to us.
ReplyDeleteI ordered a book called Second Guessing God from the library. I haven't gotten it yet, but did read a bit of it on google books. It describes how god works steps ahead of us and just out of sight somethings, rather than in obvious ways. I'm not a very religious person, but I did find this comforting. I need to do something to find my faith in all of this.
Take care. You are in my thoughts.
This is how it feels to lose the love of your life at 26... "You're young! You're pretty! You'll find someone else!" Thanks, but I wanted this one.
ReplyDeleteI just got angry for you all over again.
As always, love and puppy kisses ♥
I am so sorry for your loss- it is so hard when we can't understand tragic things that happen to us. I will continue praying for you as you heal from this (hug)
ReplyDeleteI know how hard it is to get a taste of what it is you want so badly and then have that taken away. It's far worse than just getting the BFN right away. Have faith that your pregnancy didn't go forward for a specific reason - early miscarriages often result from a chromosomal problem with the embryo, and unfortunately this is not uncommon, even in young women. Women dealing with IF are just far more aware of these "chemical" pregancies because we test so early and so often, whereas many women would just think that AF was a couple days late. You will have more opportunities to get a good egg and a good sperm together in the future! Stay strong, I will be thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time reading your blog but I just wanted to say I am sorry. I went through the same thing in August and it was awful. We were not doing betas so I did not know things were not going like they should and then at 5 weeks the bleeding started and I honestly have not been the same since. People absolutely say ridiculous things to people who have miscarriages. Someone actually told me it was God cleaning house for something better. As far as I was concerned there was nothing better than that baby. I hope your doctor lets you try again soon. I don't think there is any reason not to. Our doctor made us wait, and it was extremely hard. You will be in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteNew here... just clicked over from "B is for Brown"'s baby blog and I'm so glad I did!
ReplyDeleteMy hubs and I had been trying for 22 months when we got our very first positive last month. To say we were elated is an understatement. We loved our baby from the moment we found out about it. 4 days later (the day before Thanksgiving) I started spotting and ended up miscarrying. I was absolutely devistated even though I *only* knew my baby for 4 days.
I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I know that it is crushing. Know that you are not alone! I hope that every day gets a little easier for you and that you get your questions answered.
I'll be following you!
I wish I knew what happens next so that I could grab your hand and guide you.
ReplyDeleteGo for your blood work and just do what you can to make it through each day.
I know you wanted this one. I am so sorry.
love you.
Well, you know I have no answer to your "I just don't understand why God would give me a baby just to take it away"...I do not understand that chap completely either.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I BELIEVE, if you believe that this is your second loss. The one loss I mention is sans HPT too...
...and that is why I test every cycle, whether I am actively trying or passively trying.
You are a very strong woman. Your grit is unmistakable. I know that this is not the way things should have been, but it looks like there is no choice with regards to that right now....
I am so very sorry for your losses. It never gets any easier either. Life is so unfair sometimes. Why can't we just catch a break? Everyone always said to me after my losses "Everything happens for a reason." Well I want to know that reason dammit, because without it I don't feel any better.
ReplyDeletei adore you. i love you. i am here for you. i know you wanted that one. i know that feeling. i hate to say it but your next baby will be worth the wait. i have to keep reminding myself the same GD thing bc it has to be the truth. healthy, strong, loving babies for us. OK?
ReplyDeleteI'm new here. I am so, so sorry for your loss. There aren't any words. Unfortunately, I have been here and can tell you a little.
ReplyDeleteSince your beta didn't get very high, it shouldn't take long for it to get back to 0. I would think 1 week and it does seem like the worst is over. My last m/c took 7 weeks to return to 0, but my betas were at almost 30,000 when I miscarried (had d&c) and that was the longest it ever took. Most doctors want you to wait one complete cycle before trying again (my doctor wants me to wait 2, so that is also normal).
I know the feeling of wanting to jump back in and try again as soon as possible. I hope the waiting goes as quickly as it can. Again, very sorry.
I know all these "I'm sorry" comments blur together, but I'll say it anyway: I'm sorry. I have no idea what this is like, but like Beth, I've experienced a different sort of loss in recent years (twice) and all the platitudes just made me angry. "They're in a better place." "You wouldn't want them back and suffering." "They'll be with you in spirit." It's all crap. You want them with you (physically), you miss them, you mourn them, and all the stupid sentiments that people spout in a well-meant attempt to make you feel better just piss you off. I get that.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. All you can do is take things one moment at a time. I'd like to say the pain goes away, but almost 2 years later mine still hasn't. One day when you do hold your baby, the pain will be much duller, but not gone. That baby is never forgotten.
ReplyDeleteI'm sending much love, T&P's your way.
I'm so very sorry for you loss and for the feelings and uncertainty you have now. I wish I had the words to take the pain away...all I can do is say that I'm here.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you are going through this. It's a pain that I wish no one ever had to feel. I wish I could share something with you to take away all of the pain. The shitty part of the whole thing is that the pain doesn't go away. You are in my T&Ps. If you ever need to talk, I am here.
ReplyDeleteI believe it is during these pains that, even when we feel alone, Jesus is carrying us close. And I do believe he weeps with us.
ReplyDeleteI tell myself every day, even when it hurts alot, that I would rather have had the pain to have my babies even for a second, than never at all. But it is excruciating. I am so sorry...
Sweetness, I hate that you're going through this. And yes, you're right: You wanted THIS one. This one was still your baby. While future pregnancies may result in real, live, take-home children, they will never replace the ones that were lost all too soon.
ReplyDeleteI wish there was something I could do to help. =(
I'm so sorry. ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteIf you want to read the post on castor oil packs, go to the left column of my blog and you'll find a list of topics - click on 'castor oil'...or, copy and paste this link:
http://lateforaveryimportantpregnancy.blogspot.com/search/label/Castor%20Oil
Hope one of those works. I also have about 20 posts so far on DHEA, if you're interested in my experience with that. If you have any more questions after reading it, let me know.
I'll keep coming by to check on you...
Love,
Maddy