The RE (not mine) this morning only counted 5-6 mature eggs at 18mm. TH doesn't think she looked at the ones in the back, but I cannot see the forest through the trees. I don't want only 5, but I know that what I want doesn't matter in this game. I've spent the past weeks studying Genetics, calculating statistic, measuring the odds. The odds don't feel good with 5, if we lose one because of immaturity, another from lack of fertilization, another because it didn't grow well enough...and attributing just one to each of these scenarios is risky in itself. I'm a scientist; I know about lab errors, how perfect samples can just not grow, the slim statistics of everything going perfectly in even the most skilled hands. And I know I just have to put my expectations aside and accept whatever number of eggs we get. It's out of my hands; I've done everything that I can do.
The fear is just creeping in. For the past two nights, I've dreamt about our baby. Last night, I birthed her right into my own hands. I caught her and cleaned her. But when I looked at her, she was Asian and I feared she was someone else's baby. Everyone thought I had cheated on TH, and I was running around, holding our baby, telling everyone that I couldn't have cheated, you can't cheat when it's IVF!
But I gave birth to her and held her in my arms. We are so close I can feel it in my bones. I felt it with the plane that took me by surprise getting off the bus yesterday, the beauty in the snow covered trees, my own Winter Wonderland in Queens. I can feel it, but what if I'm wrong? I just keep reminding myself that it won't hurt any less if I don't believe. I have to stay all in; it's worth it on the off chance that the hope makes even the tiniest of difference, from 5 eggs to 6.
17 February 2010
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It's so frustrating when you don't get to see "your" doctor. Just as qualified, blah, blah, blah but they haven't BEEN there with you, don't know how it took this, that or the other to see what the other doctor saw.
ReplyDeleteMy fingers are crossed for you!
So when I had my u/s before ER, I didn't have as many mature follies. I did have quite a few (like 5 or 6) catch up by ER time though... Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteWhen I did my last ultrasound before the trigger, I only had 5 maybe even less over 18mm. There were other there, just not over 18mm. We ended up with 17 eggs retrieved and 14 were mature, and ended up with 4 embryos.
ReplyDeleteI asked the doctor that morning if he thought the ones for the ones over 14 and 15 mm to possibly catch up before retrieveal and he said yes. Also, they still have some time to continue to grow from the time you get the go ahead to trigger and the actual retrieval. Plus, each doctor measures differently. There is still hope for more.
Sorry your eggs don't seem to be growing as you want, but there are still good chances!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that there are not as many as you want.
ReplyDeleteI don't know much about IVF, but I do know that unexpected, good things happen ALL of the time. It's normal for you to feel anxious. I hope that you are completely blown away by the results of this cycle...in a good way...
I honestly don't know enough about IVF and stats, but what I can do is pray on this end that you end up with the desired outcome. *hugs* A happy and healthy pregnancy.
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