It's taken all week to get these words ready to come out. They need to come out, and I've been trying to get there all week.
The RE has decided to do ICSI because abnormal fertilization is occurring. One of the embryos showed a problem with the male nucleus forming, so the conclusion is that the sperm are not properly fertilizing the eggs. This would explain the chemicals, me feeling as though we are conceiving when we don't get positive tests. ICSI should supposedly fix this, and it will be done on every egg they retrieve. We're also aiming to get a few more eggs than last time, so I'm starting at 150 of Folli.stim rather than the 100 units I did last time. We'll still do 1 bottle of Meno.pur. I'm on a new pack of bcp (they didn't have the same generic I took last time), and I'm not really loving the headaches and nausea. Only 18 more pills to go. ;)
We've had perfect counts, motility, and morphology. TH has been saying for the past few months that they weren't looking closely enough at him, and I guess he was right. There was no other way to know without this past IVF, though. On one hand, we are both very relieved that we have an answer and a plan. On the other, we're both a little down because this adds one more thing to the already long list, and it brings TH into the mix. I desperately wish TH could have been kept out of the list, and it seems as though I've been having a harder time with this new information than he has.
I don't know much about ICSI other than the basics, and I'm not ready to delve into Pubmed just yet. I don't understand the "abnormal fertilization" well enough to know if this will definitely fix the problem or if it just gives us a better chance. We're basing "the fix" off of one embryo. Is that valid? Honestly, I'm not sure they understand the abnormal fertilization enough to know that this will be a magical cure. Yes, they will fertilize each egg, but if the embryos aren't able to properly mature and grow, how does manual fertilization solve that? Isn't that something with the DNA of the sperm? I need to read, but I'm afraid to learn. My fear has silenced my voice this week, and it's shown up in odd ways. I want to do certain things, but we've had a reversal of roles, which has left me not really sure of myself. This week has released months, years of unrealized self-blame. For now, that's about all I want to say about that.
And to that little embryo with the abnormally developed male nucleus, we love you. Very, very much. You're the answer to our hope, the one that held the key that no one else could find. Your mama has never had a hero, but she does now. I will think of you often, of that be sure.
You were not lost in vain.
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Creme de la Creme
IComLeavWe
About Me
- K
- TH and I have been married since late 2007. He's European and I'm a midwest girl, which makes for much love, cultural clashes, laughter, and learning. We just bought our first apt in NYC, we have two Devon Rex kitties, and I recently started grad school. That's us, in a nutshell. ♥
Our TTC History
~1998: At the age of 15, a gyn suspects I have endo after being hospitalized for abdominal pain. I'm put on bcp to control it.
April '03: After numerous bladder issues and a full work-up, it's suspected the endo is on my bladder. Lap performed during break from college. Endo on my uterosacral ligaments, bladder, cul-de-sac. Ovaries, tubes, and uterus are clear - YAY!
Apr - Sep '03: 6 months of Lupron. Ick, ick, ick.
Sep '03 - Aug '06: Various forms of bcp to keep periods away. In Aug, I decide enough is enough and stop the bcp. I have two normal cycles, and my period disappears for 6 months.
Jan '06: I move to NYC from Philly, and TH and I start dating.
Jan '07: Start seeing Erika, the acupuncturist, to get my period back. Docs want to give meds, but I think meds are the reason TOM is on hiatus and refuse. I see a series of not so great gyns. I move into TH's apt with two other guys.
Mar '07: Erika works her magic, TOM is back!
May '07: TH and I are in our first apt!
Aug '07: TH proposes!
Nov '07: We're married!
Mar '08: We stop preventing but aren't officially trying. It takes a few months of therapy for me to finally agree...we're trying. I'm scared to death after all the "sooner rather than later", "you'll need IVF to get pregnant", and other BS statements given to me via shitty gyns in the last ten years.
Jul '08: Officially TTC. Let the temping begin! (And, of course, I get a cyst that makes this cycle ~50 days. I should have known...)
Dec '08: Back pain suspected to be another cyst turns out to be herniated disc. Lap scheduled with Dr. O for excision of endo. Septate uterus is found sometime in the fall. (How many people missed this in all these years?!)
Jan '09: I get a full work-up for the lap. We shop around for a new RE but decide to stick with the original one.
Feb '09: Endo removed, no bowel resection needed. Left tube could be blocked or was spasming during surgeries. *breath of relief*
Mar '09: HSG reveals tubes are clear! I resist the hysteroscopy b/c I'm not ready for another surgery and am not convinced the septum is a problem, as I've never m/c. TH's SA comes back all clear.
Apr '09: We move into our new apartment once renovations are complete. We're homeowners! We also conceive but the baby can't implant. We never see a positive HPT, but we're devastated.
May '09: Hysteroscopy corrects the uterine septum. We're good to go...but no positive test...
Sep '09: Our first medicated cycle. I have an allergic rxn to Gonal.F and we switch to Follistim. Moderate OHSS post-IUI. I'm also start grad school. (Epic FAIL...the cycle, not school)
Dec '09: Chemical pregnancy on a Clomid/IUI cycle. Sadness. Found out I'm heterozygous for MTHFR.
Jan '09: IUI #3 = FAIL. Here comes IVF...
Mar '10: IVF#1 results in a chemical pregnancy. Diagnosed with abnormal fertilization by the sperm. Wha?!
Apr '10: Bring on IVF#2. All retrieved eggs to have ICSI. Scratch that. RE/lab fuckup results in regular fertilization. 15 mature eggs retrieved, 7 fertilize on their own. Grade 3 BB and BC blasts transferred. Beta#1 30.3. Beta #2 79.3. Beta #3 158. We're having a baby! :D
Jan '11: Babel arrives at 39 weeks after 30 hours of labor. He weighed 7lbs 3oz and was 21.5" long. He has the most kissable cheeks his mama has ever seen.
April '03: After numerous bladder issues and a full work-up, it's suspected the endo is on my bladder. Lap performed during break from college. Endo on my uterosacral ligaments, bladder, cul-de-sac. Ovaries, tubes, and uterus are clear - YAY!
Apr - Sep '03: 6 months of Lupron. Ick, ick, ick.
Sep '03 - Aug '06: Various forms of bcp to keep periods away. In Aug, I decide enough is enough and stop the bcp. I have two normal cycles, and my period disappears for 6 months.
Jan '06: I move to NYC from Philly, and TH and I start dating.
Jan '07: Start seeing Erika, the acupuncturist, to get my period back. Docs want to give meds, but I think meds are the reason TOM is on hiatus and refuse. I see a series of not so great gyns. I move into TH's apt with two other guys.
Mar '07: Erika works her magic, TOM is back!
May '07: TH and I are in our first apt!
Aug '07: TH proposes!
Nov '07: We're married!
Mar '08: We stop preventing but aren't officially trying. It takes a few months of therapy for me to finally agree...we're trying. I'm scared to death after all the "sooner rather than later", "you'll need IVF to get pregnant", and other BS statements given to me via shitty gyns in the last ten years.
Jul '08: Officially TTC. Let the temping begin! (And, of course, I get a cyst that makes this cycle ~50 days. I should have known...)
Dec '08: Back pain suspected to be another cyst turns out to be herniated disc. Lap scheduled with Dr. O for excision of endo. Septate uterus is found sometime in the fall. (How many people missed this in all these years?!)
Jan '09: I get a full work-up for the lap. We shop around for a new RE but decide to stick with the original one.
Feb '09: Endo removed, no bowel resection needed. Left tube could be blocked or was spasming during surgeries. *breath of relief*
Mar '09: HSG reveals tubes are clear! I resist the hysteroscopy b/c I'm not ready for another surgery and am not convinced the septum is a problem, as I've never m/c. TH's SA comes back all clear.
Apr '09: We move into our new apartment once renovations are complete. We're homeowners! We also conceive but the baby can't implant. We never see a positive HPT, but we're devastated.
May '09: Hysteroscopy corrects the uterine septum. We're good to go...but no positive test...
Sep '09: Our first medicated cycle. I have an allergic rxn to Gonal.F and we switch to Follistim. Moderate OHSS post-IUI. I'm also start grad school. (Epic FAIL...the cycle, not school)
Dec '09: Chemical pregnancy on a Clomid/IUI cycle. Sadness. Found out I'm heterozygous for MTHFR.
Jan '09: IUI #3 = FAIL. Here comes IVF...
Mar '10: IVF#1 results in a chemical pregnancy. Diagnosed with abnormal fertilization by the sperm. Wha?!
Apr '10: Bring on IVF#2. All retrieved eggs to have ICSI. Scratch that. RE/lab fuckup results in regular fertilization. 15 mature eggs retrieved, 7 fertilize on their own. Grade 3 BB and BC blasts transferred. Beta#1 30.3. Beta #2 79.3. Beta #3 158. We're having a baby! :D
Jan '11: Babel arrives at 39 weeks after 30 hours of labor. He weighed 7lbs 3oz and was 21.5" long. He has the most kissable cheeks his mama has ever seen.
I have been following your story for awhile now and have been a little shy about commenting until now. I am about to find out on Friday that my second IVF #2 is a BFN. We have severe MFI and have had very poor fertilization rates...and when I say very poor, I mean 1/8 and then 1/10...so seriously, very poor. I have decided that after this cycle I am no longer going to sit by passively during my RE appointments...I will be more proactive. I have been doing some research on the different tests available to figure out what is up with DH's sperm and I thought, when you are ready, you might want to check out SCSA...the following blogger girl (http://murgdan.blogspot.com/2009/06/special-edition-scsa.html) does a great job of explaining a rather complex idea...hope this helps you in some way and if I find anything else I'll send it your way...I am rooting for you!
ReplyDeleteI love your shout-out to your little lost embryo - so sweet. I'm glad you at least have some answers - no matter how confusing - and a plan!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like your little lost soul embryo will *hopefully* hold the key to the mystery!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you xxoo
I also think your paragraph to your lost embryo is so beautiful. Praying for you as you begin another cycle with a new plan of action (hug)
ReplyDeletei will hope and pray that this is it for you.
ReplyDeletefeeling low today so no crazy cheering from me but in my heart, i am yelling at those spermies to fertilize!
What a bomb shell. I can imagine this sent you for a big tailspin. It would me too. I am sure it left you feeling a little helpless as well.
ReplyDeleteMy prayer for you right now is that this was the problem and the reason the past cycles didn't work. That this was the key, and the next cycle will be the one that works. I also pray that you are able to keep your head above water as you prepare for the cycle and research what exactly this means for you two.
Here's to hoping the next cycle goes a million times better than last time.
*huge hugs*
I hate that there's such a learning curve with IVF. Trial and error. Trial and error. Rinse, repeat. I wish there was some kind of uber comprehensive test that could be run on both partners before the cycle. A test that would highlight any and all possible problems.
ReplyDeleteI, too, think that your one little embie made the ultimate self-sacrifice. Thank you, little embie. And I'm hoping hoping hoping that the fertilization hiccup is only mechanical and not biochemical in nature.
Has your RE suggested running a DNA analysis on TH's sperm (it may help check another concern off the list)? (Sorry! Always trying to problem-solve)
It's my wish that both you and TH are gentle on yourselves right now. This is tough, tiring shit. But you're both STRONG. You've already dusted yourself off and are closer to your next attempt at babies with every nausea-inducing pill swallowed. =)
I love the little post to your embryo. Each baby we develop whether we carry full term or not is a part of us. Thinking of you as you embark on this next cycle.
ReplyDelete