The Eve

Today's my last night of freedom. Tomorrow, the monitoring and the shots begin. I'm not really ready for this. Honestly, I don't want to do this anymore. But, we don't have a choice because we want a baby. So, here we go. I wish I could be going into this differently, and maybe over the next 5 weeks I will change my tune. Until then, here I am.

And I know I'm being ridiculous, but I just got upset over my mom posting to my old best friend about the birth of her new baby and how she's "sooooooooo excited for her". (Number of o's not confirmed.) It was just like a stab to the gut, complete with a brimming of tears at the eyes.

I'm jealous. I know. And it's not helped by the fact that I don't want to get on this train again. But it's here. And I'm a trouper. And I'm going to give this cycle all I've got, even if it's less than before. It will still be all I've got. My attitude doesn't have an impact on the outcome (as evidenced by all previous cycles), and maybe this cycle doesn't have to be a fight. I'm accepting and ready as I'll ever be. Going through the motions is still DOING the motions.

Maybe the FB post will get me to cry finally. The tears just need to come because I know they are there, waiting to come out. I'm scared. Very, very scared.

I don't want to do this, girls. But I will. And I can.

So, here we go.

What I Love About Sundays

The fog seems to have lifted for the time being. I'm still practicing avoidance about the shots starting (L.upron on Wednesday), but my overall mood (you know, the one that is about LIFE?) is much better. I survived this week, and there's nothing too crazy on the horizon this week. I just need to write this post and get my hungover butt in gear!
1. TH's birthday party. I did not want to have this party. I was dreading it, big time. But by the time I made it to Friday, where we could lounge around and watch TV all night with this horrible week behind me, the party didn't seem so bad. We had lots of fun and great company. I love our apartment, as you all know, LOL. I love it even more when it's filled with loud, happy, drunken conversation.
2. Fresh flowers. After acupuncture yesterday, I went to the Union Square Farmer's Market. I bought gorgeous tulips, which make me a happy, happy girl. There were also pu.ssy willows, which remind me of being little at my Grandma Bonnie's house. I used to love rubbing the little furry bits between my fingers and on my cheek, and this feeling was so soothing for me on my subway ride home from Manhattan. I also realized that Smith's paws feel like pu.ssy willows. :)3. TH. He wanted this party so badly, which is odd because he doesn't really like to celebrate birthdays. I keep remembering a comment he made when we had our first big infertility fight earlier last week (did I mention last week sucked?). He said we had kind of stopped living. I think this party had a little part of him making the choice for us to live a little, as given the option, I would have chosen the opposite. But he was right. We needed it. We needed to be surrounded by friends, laughter, and fun.

4. Erika the acupuncturist. Apparently two weeks ago, when I saw her last, I mentioned that I might be scattering appts throughout this IVF because I'm concerned about using all of our FSA money and possibly needing to pay for meds for this cycle or any future ones. At the end of my treatment, she told me that she was going to lower the cost of my visits by $20 so that I could come every week rather than every other week. I was completely surprised and very, very grateful. I've known her for 3 years now, off and on through treatments (all girly part related), and I think in a different situation, we would be friends. She was shocked at our new sperm-related revelations, and it was kind of nice to have her to talk about it with yesterday. I think both of us felt we were failing with my treatments, and I think we both benefited just a little from the conversation we had yesterday.

5. Unexpected love. During the party last night, I was talking to one of the girls. We'll call her Monti to make it a little easier. Monti and I are both good friends with Eves, but we're not actually all that close. We run different lives and are just pretty different people. She's more of the crazy party type, as is Eves, and that's just never been my thing. And up until recently, I had a pretty low tolerance for Monti. We were friendly enough, but I just wasn't that into her. LOL

So, last night, we're talking, and somehow marriage comes up. She confesses to me that her roommate, another friend of ours, have had numerous conversations about marriage and how they want the type of marriage that TH and I have. I couldn't believe these words, but oh how I needed to hear them! Monti said that she knows things aren't perfect, as nothing ever is, but that they can tell how much we love each other and how devoted we are to our marriage and our life together. It made my heart melt. Of course, that's how I feel about TH. But to hear that two others, one romantic, one seemingly not so much, can see that coming from TH and I? It made me happy. The conversation progressed, as she knows we've been trying but not much more than that. I said about how TH would be such a great dad and how I just really wanted that for him, and she stopped me to say that I would be a fantastic mom, too. TH would be great, but I would be great, too. Our baby would be lucky to have us.

I needed that unexpected burst of confidence, to know that our love is worn on our somewhat tattered but more or less perfect sleeves. It made me feel so good to know that it's out there for the world to see, not just in my heart.

So, what's going to lead you into Monday and the week ahead with a smile on your face? What made your week a little brighter?

Here I am!

How much do you love this little face?

LOTS. That is the only correct answer to that question. ♥

Weak

If you have any to spare, please send me some strength. This past week has been horrible. I'm incredibly stressed about school things and ready to just quit. I'm terrified of this cycle, dreading the thought of shots, and scared to death that this isn't going to work. I just want this to be over.

It's not a good day. I just need to make it through.

Explanation

It's taken all week to get these words ready to come out. They need to come out, and I've been trying to get there all week.

The RE has decided to do ICSI because abnormal fertilization is occurring. One of the embryos showed a problem with the male nucleus forming, so the conclusion is that the sperm are not properly fertilizing the eggs. This would explain the chemicals, me feeling as though we are conceiving when we don't get positive tests. ICSI should supposedly fix this, and it will be done on every egg they retrieve. We're also aiming to get a few more eggs than last time, so I'm starting at 150 of Folli.stim rather than the 100 units I did last time. We'll still do 1 bottle of Meno.pur. I'm on a new pack of bcp (they didn't have the same generic I took last time), and I'm not really loving the headaches and nausea. Only 18 more pills to go. ;)

We've had perfect counts, motility, and morphology. TH has been saying for the past few months that they weren't looking closely enough at him, and I guess he was right. There was no other way to know without this past IVF, though. On one hand, we are both very relieved that we have an answer and a plan. On the other, we're both a little down because this adds one more thing to the already long list, and it brings TH into the mix. I desperately wish TH could have been kept out of the list, and it seems as though I've been having a harder time with this new information than he has.

I don't know much about ICSI other than the basics, and I'm not ready to delve into Pubmed just yet. I don't understand the "abnormal fertilization" well enough to know if this will definitely fix the problem or if it just gives us a better chance. We're basing "the fix" off of one embryo. Is that valid? Honestly, I'm not sure they understand the abnormal fertilization enough to know that this will be a magical cure. Yes, they will fertilize each egg, but if the embryos aren't able to properly mature and grow, how does manual fertilization solve that? Isn't that something with the DNA of the sperm? I need to read, but I'm afraid to learn. My fear has silenced my voice this week, and it's shown up in odd ways. I want to do certain things, but we've had a reversal of roles, which has left me not really sure of myself. This week has released months, years of unrealized self-blame. For now, that's about all I want to say about that.

And to that little embryo with the abnormally developed male nucleus, we love you. Very, very much. You're the answer to our hope, the one that held the key that no one else could find. Your mama has never had a hero, but she does now. I will think of you often, of that be sure.

You were not lost in vain.

Appt recap

We have a plan, and it's a good one. ICSI will be done on every egg, and this should be the last "fix" we need. God, please let that be true.

I start pills tonight. I have a lot to say, but I don't know that it's going to come out here or soon. I have a very strong mix of emotions, but the one I am choosing to focus on is that I'm ready. Get me those pills ASAP. We're starting Round Two, and I'm back on the horse. I knew I would be, just in time.

I'm alive (but not really well)

Our WTF appt is on Monday, and we're waiting with bated breath. I just need A Plan. Some answers would be nice (like, why did I have such a chitt-ay fert report if I am "so young"??), but I won't get my hopes up. I think we're nearing the point of no explanations, and I'm not really thrilled with that discovery (or lack thereof).

Oh, and we're not taking a break. Once I talked to TH about the error of my ways in agreeing with a nose full of snot and a tear-stained face, he laughed and told me he thought I had offered that option up too easily. We talked, and we both agree that we're not ready to take a break just yet. Odd that it's easier to keep your head down and just trudge along than it is to stop and let the opportunities pass you by. When we need a break, that feeling will last more than a day and we'll *know*.

There's nothing going over here. I'm still hermitting. I just don't want to talk. If you've emailed, please know that it is very much appreciated but that I just don't have the words/strength/wherewithal to reply right now. But that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate the love and support I've received. Between the blog and my friends and loved ones, I'm well taken care of, even if I'm not up to my usual speed to receive it. I have a million thank yous, but they don't feel like enough.

And in case you were wondering, I have the bestest husband everest. TH is the only one who can warm my cold, broken little heart on these tough days. There are no words. ♥