What I Love About Sundays

Darker lines, that's what I love about this Sunday!!! ZOMG. First beta is tomorrow, so please keep us (and a number greater than 40) in your thoughts!

Let's see...a few others to carry me through what will undoubtedly be a long week...

1. Seeing old friends from college. Sometimes it feels so good to be around people that were part of your past life, and it feels even better to freely talk science and school things with people who know.

2. TH's belly pic plan. We recently bought a 50mm fixed lens, and TH apparently bought it with belly pics in mind. He confessed to me today that he already has planned where he will take them every two weeks (his schedule) and that he will put tape on the floor for me to stand on so that they all line up week after week. I know we are WAY ahead of ourselves, but it's nice to hear the man dream a little. The dreams were a little slow coming this week for obvious reasons, but it's helping me to hear them from him. Plus, how stinkin' cute is it that he's already thought this out? I'm also apparently not allowed to call myself fat from the baby(ies), as he insists that all I be allowed to say is "I'm pregnanter". LOL (((TH dreaming out loud)))

3. My presentation is over! Only three papers and a final (and a whole lot of betas) before MEXICO!!

4. Mr. Smith. I woke up to him being the little spoon this morning after a craptastic night of sleep. (My presentation was at 10am in the city, and I kept waking up all night certain that I was oversleeping. Not fun.) Kitty cuddles are simply the best. Whistling kitty noses are pretty fun, too. :D

5. The weekend is OVAH! Hello, Beta Day.

Clearly I am a little preoccupied. I just feel *good* about this one. I've never seen a test that dark. Someone or ones are working so hard in there! ♥

So, what's going to take you into Monday morning with not too many crabs in your pants?

What IF this broken heart never heals?

As a part of National Infertility Awareness Week, the IF blogworld has paired up with Resolve for a What IF project, IF being the clever abbreviation for infertility and all the "ifs" that surround the life of an infertile. The first part of the project asked that we come up with our biggest "what IF" regarding infertility, and the second part is to write a post about our particular "what IF" or one of the common themes found in some of the many responses to the call. Now that we've got the particulars out of the way...

What IF this broken heart never heals? What then?

I write this post on the day after our third cycle of positive pregnancy tests. Right now, at this very moment, the moment I've learned to live in, I'm pregnant. With child(ren?). Fertile? No, that's pushing it. But pregnant? I am!

I write these words amidst an internal and external battle. At the moment, I feel relief. I'm able to take a few deeper breaths of this beautiful spring air as it blows in the window and pass it on to whomever currently resides in my womb. I'm happy in this moment, as the positive HPT is the first hurdle we needed to overcome, and we've done it. But the moments of sheer joy are tinged with the fear of those tears that crash onto your cheeks, burning your skin and tearing your gut to bits. The kind of tears that make your body writhe with agony and unreleased anguish, the tears that mean your few days of pregnancy are over yet again. Those small bits of salty water could be right around Monday's corner, but I won't know it until we get there.

I'm not the woman who is overjoyed at a second line on a pregnancy test. I'm the woman who is forever changed by the short days of pregnancy she's experienced that don't even amount to a week. Some uneducated people might even debate whether I've ever been pregnant at all, yet my heart has broken countless times for the babies we conceived and lost and those that we didn't manage to conceive at all.

I talk frequently about how I have changed as a result of our infertility and our losses. I am not the same woman I was two years ago, for better and for worse. There's a deep sadness I've felt that I'm not sure will ever heal. I'd like to think our living, breathing, soft-skinned baby in my arms will heal my heart, but I can never be sure that's the truth. It also seems like so much pressure to put on the gentle complexion of what will hopefully one day be our beloved baby.

I wonder about the healing that might happen if I stay pregnant this time around. Will I be able to believe in our baby, in myself, and in my body to deliver this child to our waiting arms? Will the sadness simply be replaced with worry that the rug will slip out from under us, carrying our baby with it? If I leave the infertile side of this journey and step across the threshold to pregnancy, will my heart be big enough to give this baby or babies, who will have made it farther than any others, enough love? Can I leave the sadness, the tears, and the fears behind and just believe? Our baby(ies) deserve our faith, but can we learn to give it? Tattered and torn hearts are not known for their ability to trust.

Will I always walk the shoes of an infertile? Part of me wants to leave this sadness behind for happier moments, but another part of me will never let this sadness go. We've worked so hard for these babies, and I know we'll be giving them everything our worn hearts have in them. We love them already. Is it as much as we loved the first baby we lost, before we knew that a positive test didn't mean the journey was over? Does it matter?

I believe there will forever be a scar on my heart, maybe one like the railroad tracks on my arm or the tiny laparoscopic seams across my belly. My heart will heal, is healing, each and every day. We may stumble, and frankly, we may fall out of this pregnant tree, but we'll get up. We've gotten up plenty of times before, each one a further fall than the last. Whether we make it through this week of betas or we lose our way and our hearts, we will stand back up. It might take longer than it has before, but we'll do it.

But what IF we don't have to plan for the time when we pick up the pieces? What IF I actually get to meet that brown-haired little girl that I see who is sticky with sunscreen and gritty with sand, sitting on the beach towel next to me? What IF that dresser we got last weekend isn't for the "2nd bedroom" and is really for the nursery? What IF we really get to drive to Michigan and have a baby shower filled with family and love for the babies we're going to have? What IF we get to hear a heartbeat in a few short weeks, and I get to cry the tears of joy I've dreamed about for so long? What IF I get to rub my belly each night as it slowly grows to expand for our dreams come true? And what IF everything we've waited for comes in a set of two rather than the standard one? What IF we get to love with everything we have waiting to give?

What IF?

Infertility is a medical condition not "easily" cured by relaxation, romantic nights, lingerie, or adoption. If you would like to learn more about infertility, please go here. And if you know someone or a couple who is experiencing infertility, please read this and this to learn how you can support and help them through their journey.

Positives

We've got 'em! I had an all out negative yesterday morning, and by the afternoon, I had a clear second line. I was crampy all day yesterday, just like the kind I get when my period is coming, back pain and all. Go, babies, go!

This morning we had the same line on a FRER but a dreaded "Not Pregnant" on the CBE digital. But, I peed again when I got home from acupuncture, Whole Foods, the farmer's market, buying a dress and sunglasses for MEXICO!, and dodging all the protestors. TH is at his parents, and when left to my own devices in a TWW, I will pee every. single. time.

The good news is that the CBE digital is now on board. ;)

TH is very cautiously optimistic right now. We both are, obviously, but I feel like I must love whoever is hanging out in there for the moments I have them, in the event they are fleeting. I keep reminding TH how hard these babies worked to stick around (we found out Thur that none of the others made it to freeze), make it to blast, implant, AND give us two days of positive tests. Our little ones are working hard in there, and I love them dearly for it. The last words I spoke to TH last night as we were falling asleep is that these are our babies, one or two, and if we don't love them wholly and give them a chance, who will? It's our job.

So, please stay, baby(ies). We're so happy to have you and ready to give you so much love! ♥

Dear Sticks,

Either clear the trigger or start getting darker. We would prefer the latter. It's time.

XOXO,
Mr. and Mrs. TH

These Days

They are honestly the worst. I think I would do 10 weeks of shots just to avoid these days where all we do is...wait...guess...speculate...wonder...and wait some more.

I need to stay busy at work to keep my mind occupied, but at the same time, I have the focus of a 2 year old. I have class today, so the day will at least go by faster. But tomorrow and Friday will be tough. It doesn't help that TH is having a hard time, too. Last night when I was peeing to see if trigger was gone (still haven't gotten a negative), he sighed and told me that he hates these days the most. It must be hard for him to watch me with the compulsion to pee, knowing that we both know any answer that stick gives isn't going to be considered good. He never tells me not to take a test, and I think that must be so hard for him. These days are the worst; you just wait.

The symptom game today is in full force. I'm ridiculously bloated, so much so that the Be Band is not even helping. I just don't want *any*thing touching my stomach, but alas, I have to wear pants to work. I'm also still really nauseous. All of this is fine if there is a bab(ies) in there, but if not, these symptoms need to take a hike and quit playin' games. The symptom game also makes concentrating impossible. How can I forget about the "Am I pregnant?" question if all I want to do is barf and sit around in my undies?

*le sigh*

This is going to be a loooong week

I've already started googling. Yesterday's vomit is even making TH google, which is very unusual. He doesn't usually indulge my obsessing. It's why we're a good pair.

I got checked for OHSS today just in case, and we're in the clear. I've just been told to keep up my fluids, which I have been, and to take the Zo.fran as needed.

But babies, if you're in there makin' me sick, keep up the good work! :D (I'm sure I'll get sick...haha...of that later, but we'll worry about that when we get there.)

And, to show you just how bored and unable to concentrate I was this morning at work, here's a bit of the horoscope from Saturday, Transfer Day:

Today, Lady Venus enters Gemini, the sign of the twins. This can spice things up quite a bit in our personal lives, as the twins make a hobby of creating mischief. Over the next four weeks, you could notice a side of your loved ones that you haven't experienced before, which in turn brings out a different facet of your own personality.

♥♥♥

The Recap

We started out the morning heading into the city for acupuncture. Erika had suggested appts before and after transfer, and I happily agreed. If the transfer was on Thursday, this wouldn't have worked out, so it was one more positive to a Day5 transfer.

TH drove us to the train, but because we were running a few minutes late, he dropped me off to ride the subway immediately with him following after me. As I was about to go through the turnstile, I saw my favorite yoga teacher. I positively lit up. She was headed into the city as well, so we talked for the majority of my ride to acupuncture. I can't describe to you how energized I was after talking with her. TH used to joke that she was my girl crush because I just gush about her. She's one of those people with fabulous positive energy that just makes you feel GOOD. I took seeing her as a great sign for the day.

Right after she got off the train, a happy mariachi band got on the car to play. Tears came to my eyes because their singing was in such sweet harmony, I was coming off the glow of seeing and talking with my old yoga teacher, and now I had a good sign about our upcoming trip. It was win, win, win.

When I got to Erika, I was positively giddy. I couldn't wait to have my treatment and then head off to get our babies. She knew the events of the week, so she was quite glad to see me in such good spirits. And it felt so good to *be* in such good spirits.

After acupuncture#1, TH, who met me there, and I headed to the RE's office. The office was a little behind because the RE of the day had not yet arrived. Luckily, there were only two people ahead of me, so I didn't have to hold the full bladder for too long. (I learned from last time and drank way less!) We were the last transfer of the day, so it was a nice and quiet wait.

The RE came in and told us we still had all 7 embryos, which shocked both of us. He said that the lab was split in how many they thought we should transfer, though. We had two Grade 3 blasts, one BB and one BC, that the RE wanted to transfer. The lab thought we should transfer either 2 or 3, but the RE (not ours) didn't really think transferring a third, based on my age, would make all that much of a difference in the pregnancy rate, though it would significantly increase our triplet rate. (We've been told that because of the septum removal, it's probably never a good idea for me to carry more than two. TH and I also agree that we are not comfortable with triplets.) That being said, I admit to having a last minute freak out about how many to transfer. If we were the last couple of the day, couldn't you have given us this info to digest while we waited?! Hello. But alas, they did not. I asked the RE to step out (did he really think we were going to have this discussion in front of him?), and TH and I made our decision to stick with two. But good God, it was difficult. Given everything that happened this week and then hearing that the blasts were less than perfect, I fully admit to being the one that panicked and wanted to transfer three. TH talked some sense into me (as that was our deal), and we went with two.

The transfer went off without a hitch. I admit to not knowing much about blast grading, so after getting up the courage to read a little today, I'm much less concerned. But I also admit to feeling disappointed, excited, anxious, and terrified before, during, and after the transfer. I did what I could to welcome those babies, and I have been making up for it ever since.

Once we were okay to leave the office, we took a cab back to acupuncture. On the way there, a song we played repeatedly for the baby we lost in December came on the radio. I finally just caved and started crying. Poor TH had no idea why I was suddenly a mess, as he didn't recognize the song. I think after the realm of emotions (and the hormones!), I just needed to let it out! And it came tumbling out in the backseat of a cab, LOL.

When we got to Erika, she had me rest on a bed while she put in the needles for another patient. I was grateful to just have some time to settle myself and be alone. I needed those moments with the babies after everything that had just gone on. I also just needed them for myself.

The treatment was great, and we left feeling much, much better. We walked around a farmer's market for a little bit while waiting for FIL to come pick us up. (Traffic in Manhattan was insane yesterday!) In the meantime, we found the most amazing garlic knots EVAH. I'll have to post a pic when we upload them. Good God, they were awesome.

We headed home, and a few hours later, MIL and FIL came over for a BBQ. It was quite nice because we had fantastic food and I was not able to help in the least bit. :) All I had to do was get a few things out for MIL to make deviled eggs and set the table while TH and FIL grilled everything outside. And, it was a good thing that that was all I did because by 8pm, while everyone else was still eating, I became physically exhausted. I was that kind of tired where you're so exhausted that everything aches yet at the same time, you aren't ready to fall asleep. So, they finished dinner, and I cuddled on the couch under a blanket and two warm kitties.

I woke up this morning pretty bloated, which is a pretty good thing. I had some lunch, and then TH and I decided to head back to bed to cuddle. Well, we didn't cuddle for long because I started to get really nauseous...and then got sick. And again. And again. :( I had just eaten and taken my doxy, but I don't really think that's what did it. I haven't had any nausea with it, and I ate! I put it together with the bloating (though I'm still on the every 2 hour middle of the night peeing schedule) and thought maybe OHSS is taking off again, but I'm not so sure that's it either. I'm bloated as all hell, but I'm not up anything on the scale (thank you!) We go in tomorrow for a progesterone check, so I will just mention it to the monitoring RE then. I've been nauseous on and off today, but nothing like earlier, thankfully. I'm not quite sure what to make of it, but any throwing up in a two week wait is cruel, IMO. I've also had the uterus pain I have been having more and more with each cycle, so there's something going on in there. C'mon Frick and Frat! ;)

So, that's where we are. I've got the babies, and after picking up a free dresser from a coworker today (which, ahem, will be perfect painted white for a nursery, should we need one any time soon....), we're off to prepare for school next week. Beta is next week, and my one final is one week after beta. Not great timing. :( But before that final, I have three papers, a presentation, and two homework assignments to tackle. Awesome.