These Days

Things you need to know and have missed:

1. My mom told my whole family about the fact that we've been doing fertility treatments, EVEN THOUGH I ASKED HER NOT TO. This was Monday night; huge fight ensues.

2. Wednesday: we left after my class and drove halfway to Mich. We slept over in PA, and then got up Thur to finish the drive and spend the day at the funeral home.

3. I'm FUMING at my mother. I don't even want to be near her, yet we were supposed to be staying at her house. Luckily, Grandpa didn't want to drive late at night after the view on Thursday, so TH and I drove my grandparents home (who have kept their mouths shut, btw) and stayed the night there. Huge sigh of relief.

4. Friday was the funeral. Everything was going fine until I checked my voicemail. Expecting to be reminded that it's Friday, the 29th, and I start Lupron today, I get a message from my coordinator saying, "You were supposed to come in this morning for bloodwork..." Um, WHAT?! I had absolutely no idea.

5. Above voicemail is discovered between the luncheon and the burial. I spend the 5 minutes of the last prayer over Great Grandma clutching the Blackberry, waiting for it to ring and internally spazzing about wtf I'm going to do about this blood draw.

6. Two conversations, a few tears, and an email later, we've decided we're heading back to NYC within the next 6 hours so I can get a Sunday blood draw and start the Lupron with a 5 day overlap instead of the 7 originally calculated. I flipped out on the nurse during the first phone call b/c I'm soooooooo tired of there not being clear communication with this office!

7. We went and spent the evening with my two favorite cousins. God, did I need that. Overall, there were lots of kids this trip, and I did just fine with them all. *huge sigh of relief*

8. Mom wants to know why we're leaving early. I won't tell her more than, "We need to go back."

9. I got "all" of the letters that were in Great Grandma's room. 63. They only date back to the very end of 2004, and they are spotty in coverage (I dated them all.) I know there are more. I remember my grandma's sister telling me she took some home with her to clear out the drawer they were kept in, but when I ask her about this, she denies it. I am certain she is lying b/c I always felt uncomfortable about her taking them, even in that moment when she told me she took them. I bought Great Grandma a photo box for one birthday to keep the cards in; no one can find it. *deep breaths* Those letters are mine, and I WANT them.

10. Last night was hell driving back. We had to stop and sleep for 1.5 hours on the way to the stopping point hotel. It took way longer than it should have, and it was NOT a fun ride.

11. We're home and unpacked. I have two calenders on the desk that say I should have come in for bloodwork on Friday. FUCK. I feel like an ass, but I *know* we were told the next time we would come in would be on CD3 of my Lupron period. TH heard the same thing, but I guess I should have been reading those calendars more closely. No one said anything about the Lupron start date being conditional upon bloodwork; it was always "You start the Lupron on the 29th, last pill will be the 4th." The problem is is that we have WAY too much info for this cycle, and I had to tuck the papers away to keep the anxiety at bay. Everywhere we turned for a few days, there was an IVF packet, a consent, a calendar, the drug bag, the IVF class folder, lurking and reminding me of the inevitable.

12. I may or may not deal with the Mom stuff in a later post. I basically have lost all trust in her and have now put her in the same category as any random coworker: find out when we pass the first trimester. I will no longer be sharing my fears and worries with her; she wasn't all that great at taking them off my back anyway. I've known all along that she was having issues dealing with this, and her justification of her actions involved situations surrounding my birth. She yet again tried to avenge her "mistakes" with my/our life choices. I'm trying to take care of myself right now, and she just made it that much harder on me (and TH). With that, I walk away.

She does occasionally read the blog, which apparently was not something she understood, as one of her rationales for telling (ie when she was grasping at straws while I was very clearly letting her know how inappropriate she had been) was that she didn't understand why she had to keep it a secret if I had a BLOG. Well, suffice it to say that she now understands that the blog is like a support group and that unlike her, all of you understand and also know that when I tell you what I need, it's to be respected and followed. Moms don't call the shots in the land of IF, and those that think they do quickly find themselves out in the cold. And the weirdest thing of all is that this is not typical behavior of my mom. She is normally very much a part of the "you make your choices and deal with the consequences" camp and very hands off, so I am shocked that she thought she had the right to override our decision to keep this private. I know she wanted us to have more love and support, but what she failed to realize is that we have created our own network of support, which now doesn't include her, but had all the people WE need in it. Her people are not my people; we don't look for comfort from the same people, though I sincerely disagree with her claim that the people she told are the people she can rely on in times of emotional emergency. And either way, those are the people SHE would rely on at that time, not me. Funny how I seem to keep bringing this discussion back to the fact that all of the decisions that TH and I make are centered around just that...TH and I and what we want. There's no Mom in those decisions (what a double meaning), and hopefully now she will realize that. Until she comes to us with a sincere and clear explanation of her understanding of how hurtful her actions were, she's just no longer a part of our journey.

For the past six months, I could have really used my mom. I've tried and tried and tried to help guide her through what I needed from her. I've sent emails, I've sent the blog, I've sent Stirrup Queens posts so she can understand the emotions a little more clearly, I've texted my step-dad about things when I can't bear to listen to the silence on my mom's end of the phone, and I've sent a clear guide from Resolve about how to help. I've also used clear language such as, "Don't tell anyone" on more than one occasion. In the midst of the miscarriage, when I was crying to her that I was scared b/c I didn't know whether it was going to hurt, she asked if she should call my aunt who had m/c before. I gave her a resounding, "NO! Do NOT tell her!" and that was during the absolute worst day of my life. She apparently did keep that part to herself, but I don't quite know the details of what she did share. It's also frustrating that I can tell you all the ways in which I've tried to help her understand, but she still couldn't tell anyone a thing about IVF or IUIs and what procedures we're about to endure (perhaps this is a blessing in disguise). Hello, Dr. Google/Wiki anyone? The Wiki page is very readable, and I am always willing to answer questions. The fact of the matter is, she just didn't want to know that badly and that hurts.

In the end, she completely just disregarded the oath of confidentiality. I would have had better luck telling my 12 year old sister, The Belle, and labeling this a Sister Secret than I did with telling my own mother. I need(ed) my mom at times, but I will apparently just be getting what I thought I needed from her elsewhere and with less emotional stress.

It just hurts. The last thing I needed was one more thing to deal with on my plate. Thanks, Mom.