Today's my last night of freedom. Tomorrow, the monitoring and the shots begin. I'm not really ready for this. Honestly, I don't want to do this anymore. But, we don't have a choice because we want a baby. So, here we go. I wish I could be going into this differently, and maybe over the next 5 weeks I will change my tune. Until then, here I am.
And I know I'm being ridiculous, but I just got upset over my mom posting to my old best friend about the birth of her new baby and how she's "sooooooooo excited for her". (Number of o's not confirmed.) It was just like a stab to the gut, complete with a brimming of tears at the eyes.
I'm jealous. I know. And it's not helped by the fact that I don't want to get on this train again. But it's here. And I'm a trouper. And I'm going to give this cycle all I've got, even if it's less than before. It will still be all I've got. My attitude doesn't have an impact on the outcome (as evidenced by all previous cycles), and maybe this cycle doesn't have to be a fight. I'm accepting and ready as I'll ever be. Going through the motions is still DOING the motions.
Maybe the FB post will get me to cry finally. The tears just need to come because I know they are there, waiting to come out. I'm scared. Very, very scared.
I don't want to do this, girls. But I will. And I can.
So, here we go.
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Creme de la Creme
IComLeavWe
About Me
- K
- TH and I have been married since late 2007. He's European and I'm a midwest girl, which makes for much love, cultural clashes, laughter, and learning. We just bought our first apt in NYC, we have two Devon Rex kitties, and I recently started grad school. That's us, in a nutshell. ♥
Our TTC History
~1998: At the age of 15, a gyn suspects I have endo after being hospitalized for abdominal pain. I'm put on bcp to control it.
April '03: After numerous bladder issues and a full work-up, it's suspected the endo is on my bladder. Lap performed during break from college. Endo on my uterosacral ligaments, bladder, cul-de-sac. Ovaries, tubes, and uterus are clear - YAY!
Apr - Sep '03: 6 months of Lupron. Ick, ick, ick.
Sep '03 - Aug '06: Various forms of bcp to keep periods away. In Aug, I decide enough is enough and stop the bcp. I have two normal cycles, and my period disappears for 6 months.
Jan '06: I move to NYC from Philly, and TH and I start dating.
Jan '07: Start seeing Erika, the acupuncturist, to get my period back. Docs want to give meds, but I think meds are the reason TOM is on hiatus and refuse. I see a series of not so great gyns. I move into TH's apt with two other guys.
Mar '07: Erika works her magic, TOM is back!
May '07: TH and I are in our first apt!
Aug '07: TH proposes!
Nov '07: We're married!
Mar '08: We stop preventing but aren't officially trying. It takes a few months of therapy for me to finally agree...we're trying. I'm scared to death after all the "sooner rather than later", "you'll need IVF to get pregnant", and other BS statements given to me via shitty gyns in the last ten years.
Jul '08: Officially TTC. Let the temping begin! (And, of course, I get a cyst that makes this cycle ~50 days. I should have known...)
Dec '08: Back pain suspected to be another cyst turns out to be herniated disc. Lap scheduled with Dr. O for excision of endo. Septate uterus is found sometime in the fall. (How many people missed this in all these years?!)
Jan '09: I get a full work-up for the lap. We shop around for a new RE but decide to stick with the original one.
Feb '09: Endo removed, no bowel resection needed. Left tube could be blocked or was spasming during surgeries. *breath of relief*
Mar '09: HSG reveals tubes are clear! I resist the hysteroscopy b/c I'm not ready for another surgery and am not convinced the septum is a problem, as I've never m/c. TH's SA comes back all clear.
Apr '09: We move into our new apartment once renovations are complete. We're homeowners! We also conceive but the baby can't implant. We never see a positive HPT, but we're devastated.
May '09: Hysteroscopy corrects the uterine septum. We're good to go...but no positive test...
Sep '09: Our first medicated cycle. I have an allergic rxn to Gonal.F and we switch to Follistim. Moderate OHSS post-IUI. I'm also start grad school. (Epic FAIL...the cycle, not school)
Dec '09: Chemical pregnancy on a Clomid/IUI cycle. Sadness. Found out I'm heterozygous for MTHFR.
Jan '09: IUI #3 = FAIL. Here comes IVF...
Mar '10: IVF#1 results in a chemical pregnancy. Diagnosed with abnormal fertilization by the sperm. Wha?!
Apr '10: Bring on IVF#2. All retrieved eggs to have ICSI. Scratch that. RE/lab fuckup results in regular fertilization. 15 mature eggs retrieved, 7 fertilize on their own. Grade 3 BB and BC blasts transferred. Beta#1 30.3. Beta #2 79.3. Beta #3 158. We're having a baby! :D
Jan '11: Babel arrives at 39 weeks after 30 hours of labor. He weighed 7lbs 3oz and was 21.5" long. He has the most kissable cheeks his mama has ever seen.
April '03: After numerous bladder issues and a full work-up, it's suspected the endo is on my bladder. Lap performed during break from college. Endo on my uterosacral ligaments, bladder, cul-de-sac. Ovaries, tubes, and uterus are clear - YAY!
Apr - Sep '03: 6 months of Lupron. Ick, ick, ick.
Sep '03 - Aug '06: Various forms of bcp to keep periods away. In Aug, I decide enough is enough and stop the bcp. I have two normal cycles, and my period disappears for 6 months.
Jan '06: I move to NYC from Philly, and TH and I start dating.
Jan '07: Start seeing Erika, the acupuncturist, to get my period back. Docs want to give meds, but I think meds are the reason TOM is on hiatus and refuse. I see a series of not so great gyns. I move into TH's apt with two other guys.
Mar '07: Erika works her magic, TOM is back!
May '07: TH and I are in our first apt!
Aug '07: TH proposes!
Nov '07: We're married!
Mar '08: We stop preventing but aren't officially trying. It takes a few months of therapy for me to finally agree...we're trying. I'm scared to death after all the "sooner rather than later", "you'll need IVF to get pregnant", and other BS statements given to me via shitty gyns in the last ten years.
Jul '08: Officially TTC. Let the temping begin! (And, of course, I get a cyst that makes this cycle ~50 days. I should have known...)
Dec '08: Back pain suspected to be another cyst turns out to be herniated disc. Lap scheduled with Dr. O for excision of endo. Septate uterus is found sometime in the fall. (How many people missed this in all these years?!)
Jan '09: I get a full work-up for the lap. We shop around for a new RE but decide to stick with the original one.
Feb '09: Endo removed, no bowel resection needed. Left tube could be blocked or was spasming during surgeries. *breath of relief*
Mar '09: HSG reveals tubes are clear! I resist the hysteroscopy b/c I'm not ready for another surgery and am not convinced the septum is a problem, as I've never m/c. TH's SA comes back all clear.
Apr '09: We move into our new apartment once renovations are complete. We're homeowners! We also conceive but the baby can't implant. We never see a positive HPT, but we're devastated.
May '09: Hysteroscopy corrects the uterine septum. We're good to go...but no positive test...
Sep '09: Our first medicated cycle. I have an allergic rxn to Gonal.F and we switch to Follistim. Moderate OHSS post-IUI. I'm also start grad school. (Epic FAIL...the cycle, not school)
Dec '09: Chemical pregnancy on a Clomid/IUI cycle. Sadness. Found out I'm heterozygous for MTHFR.
Jan '09: IUI #3 = FAIL. Here comes IVF...
Mar '10: IVF#1 results in a chemical pregnancy. Diagnosed with abnormal fertilization by the sperm. Wha?!
Apr '10: Bring on IVF#2. All retrieved eggs to have ICSI. Scratch that. RE/lab fuckup results in regular fertilization. 15 mature eggs retrieved, 7 fertilize on their own. Grade 3 BB and BC blasts transferred. Beta#1 30.3. Beta #2 79.3. Beta #3 158. We're having a baby! :D
Jan '11: Babel arrives at 39 weeks after 30 hours of labor. He weighed 7lbs 3oz and was 21.5" long. He has the most kissable cheeks his mama has ever seen.
It's ok to be scared. It's ok to cry whenever you need to. And you are strong. You can do this. I'm rootin for you girlie :)
ReplyDeleteIt's gonna happen :)
Good luck! I really wish you a positive experience and a happy ending!
ReplyDelete*huge hugs* Sending positive vibes and praying for you that you get that BFP off of this cycle.
ReplyDeleteI understand this jealousy...completely normal.
Ugh. Ugh. Oh Kim. Dammit. This sucks so much for you and I hate it. Cry or do whatever it is to make you feel better. You CAN do this. You CAN. And we'll be here to cheer you on the whole way.
ReplyDeletexxoo
I was scared, tired, and defeated yesterday, that is for sure. It's okay- we all know how you're feeling! Let the tears fall (hug)
ReplyDeleteWill be praying for you this cycle!
Some days it took all I had to channel The Little Engine That Could - I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.
ReplyDeleteYou can too.
((hugs))
It is so hard to not get beat down and bogged down by so many failed cycles. I don't blame you for being tired of it. And I know what you mean about the urge to keep going despite the lack of excitement. It is hard because you don't want to look back 10 years from now and say you didn't do everything you could. You fear you will resent yourself if you don't give this another go. That is my fear right now too.
ReplyDeleteI was reading through my doctor's notes from when I was doing IF treatments, and there is a page where she had a sticky note next to an u/s image of my follies. The note said in bit letters, "Patient wants to take a break!"
Granted, I never went through anywhere near what you are going through with IVF, but I do still feel the pain and the desire to give up, yet keep pushing forward despite it.
I pray that this cycle is the one. I pray that you WTF appt last time found the answers they need to make this one work.
I will be here with you through this journey, as will all of your other bloggy friends. We're ready to back you up and carry you over that finish line if we have to.
*BIG hugs*
Of course you're scared, and of course you need to cry - this is really hard stuff! And the jealousy just takes over your rational brain, doesn't it! This IF stuff is one of the hardest things that we'll ever have to go through, so give yourself a break, and just let yourself feel whatever you feel in this process. Hugs to you!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh Kim. =( Today is your 2nd day of shots, and I hope you're hangin' in there. It's so so very exhausting and scary. I can't believe that I'm going to voluntarily put myself through this IVF shit show another time as well, but, like you said, it's what we have to do if we want to meet our babies! I believe in you, and KNOW you can do this! If you need to cry and scream while going through it, DO IT.
ReplyDeleteI also feel ya on the FB stuff. My mom is constantly commenting on the pictures of my friends' and relatives' new babies, saying things like, "There's nothing better!" or "I'm so proud of you!" Makes my lip quiver and my heart fume every time.
Rooting for you! You're gonna do great, no matter the outcome, cause you have committed to giving it your all! Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteIt is okay to dread it.
ReplyDeleteAnd I pray that this be the one!
Good Luck.