It's so low, I can't even bring myself to tell you what it is.
So low that I'm certain it's on it's way down and by Sunday, when I return to the clinic, we'll be back at 0.
There's still a small chance it could go up, but I don't think so. You can hope, but please don't ask me to.
Something is wrong with our babies. What?
I'm leaving comments on, but don't tell me you're sorry. Please. I hate that more than anything. If I get a bunch of sorries, I'll turn them off.
I'm numb. In shock?
I just want to know what's wrong with our babies to make this keep happening. I just want this to stop. This wasn't supposed to happen this way.
And positive pregnancy tests don't mean a god damn thing.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Creme de la Creme
IComLeavWe
About Me
- K
- TH and I have been married since late 2007. He's European and I'm a midwest girl, which makes for much love, cultural clashes, laughter, and learning. We just bought our first apt in NYC, we have two Devon Rex kitties, and I recently started grad school. That's us, in a nutshell. ♥
Our TTC History
~1998: At the age of 15, a gyn suspects I have endo after being hospitalized for abdominal pain. I'm put on bcp to control it.
April '03: After numerous bladder issues and a full work-up, it's suspected the endo is on my bladder. Lap performed during break from college. Endo on my uterosacral ligaments, bladder, cul-de-sac. Ovaries, tubes, and uterus are clear - YAY!
Apr - Sep '03: 6 months of Lupron. Ick, ick, ick.
Sep '03 - Aug '06: Various forms of bcp to keep periods away. In Aug, I decide enough is enough and stop the bcp. I have two normal cycles, and my period disappears for 6 months.
Jan '06: I move to NYC from Philly, and TH and I start dating.
Jan '07: Start seeing Erika, the acupuncturist, to get my period back. Docs want to give meds, but I think meds are the reason TOM is on hiatus and refuse. I see a series of not so great gyns. I move into TH's apt with two other guys.
Mar '07: Erika works her magic, TOM is back!
May '07: TH and I are in our first apt!
Aug '07: TH proposes!
Nov '07: We're married!
Mar '08: We stop preventing but aren't officially trying. It takes a few months of therapy for me to finally agree...we're trying. I'm scared to death after all the "sooner rather than later", "you'll need IVF to get pregnant", and other BS statements given to me via shitty gyns in the last ten years.
Jul '08: Officially TTC. Let the temping begin! (And, of course, I get a cyst that makes this cycle ~50 days. I should have known...)
Dec '08: Back pain suspected to be another cyst turns out to be herniated disc. Lap scheduled with Dr. O for excision of endo. Septate uterus is found sometime in the fall. (How many people missed this in all these years?!)
Jan '09: I get a full work-up for the lap. We shop around for a new RE but decide to stick with the original one.
Feb '09: Endo removed, no bowel resection needed. Left tube could be blocked or was spasming during surgeries. *breath of relief*
Mar '09: HSG reveals tubes are clear! I resist the hysteroscopy b/c I'm not ready for another surgery and am not convinced the septum is a problem, as I've never m/c. TH's SA comes back all clear.
Apr '09: We move into our new apartment once renovations are complete. We're homeowners! We also conceive but the baby can't implant. We never see a positive HPT, but we're devastated.
May '09: Hysteroscopy corrects the uterine septum. We're good to go...but no positive test...
Sep '09: Our first medicated cycle. I have an allergic rxn to Gonal.F and we switch to Follistim. Moderate OHSS post-IUI. I'm also start grad school. (Epic FAIL...the cycle, not school)
Dec '09: Chemical pregnancy on a Clomid/IUI cycle. Sadness. Found out I'm heterozygous for MTHFR.
Jan '09: IUI #3 = FAIL. Here comes IVF...
Mar '10: IVF#1 results in a chemical pregnancy. Diagnosed with abnormal fertilization by the sperm. Wha?!
Apr '10: Bring on IVF#2. All retrieved eggs to have ICSI. Scratch that. RE/lab fuckup results in regular fertilization. 15 mature eggs retrieved, 7 fertilize on their own. Grade 3 BB and BC blasts transferred. Beta#1 30.3. Beta #2 79.3. Beta #3 158. We're having a baby! :D
Jan '11: Babel arrives at 39 weeks after 30 hours of labor. He weighed 7lbs 3oz and was 21.5" long. He has the most kissable cheeks his mama has ever seen.
April '03: After numerous bladder issues and a full work-up, it's suspected the endo is on my bladder. Lap performed during break from college. Endo on my uterosacral ligaments, bladder, cul-de-sac. Ovaries, tubes, and uterus are clear - YAY!
Apr - Sep '03: 6 months of Lupron. Ick, ick, ick.
Sep '03 - Aug '06: Various forms of bcp to keep periods away. In Aug, I decide enough is enough and stop the bcp. I have two normal cycles, and my period disappears for 6 months.
Jan '06: I move to NYC from Philly, and TH and I start dating.
Jan '07: Start seeing Erika, the acupuncturist, to get my period back. Docs want to give meds, but I think meds are the reason TOM is on hiatus and refuse. I see a series of not so great gyns. I move into TH's apt with two other guys.
Mar '07: Erika works her magic, TOM is back!
May '07: TH and I are in our first apt!
Aug '07: TH proposes!
Nov '07: We're married!
Mar '08: We stop preventing but aren't officially trying. It takes a few months of therapy for me to finally agree...we're trying. I'm scared to death after all the "sooner rather than later", "you'll need IVF to get pregnant", and other BS statements given to me via shitty gyns in the last ten years.
Jul '08: Officially TTC. Let the temping begin! (And, of course, I get a cyst that makes this cycle ~50 days. I should have known...)
Dec '08: Back pain suspected to be another cyst turns out to be herniated disc. Lap scheduled with Dr. O for excision of endo. Septate uterus is found sometime in the fall. (How many people missed this in all these years?!)
Jan '09: I get a full work-up for the lap. We shop around for a new RE but decide to stick with the original one.
Feb '09: Endo removed, no bowel resection needed. Left tube could be blocked or was spasming during surgeries. *breath of relief*
Mar '09: HSG reveals tubes are clear! I resist the hysteroscopy b/c I'm not ready for another surgery and am not convinced the septum is a problem, as I've never m/c. TH's SA comes back all clear.
Apr '09: We move into our new apartment once renovations are complete. We're homeowners! We also conceive but the baby can't implant. We never see a positive HPT, but we're devastated.
May '09: Hysteroscopy corrects the uterine septum. We're good to go...but no positive test...
Sep '09: Our first medicated cycle. I have an allergic rxn to Gonal.F and we switch to Follistim. Moderate OHSS post-IUI. I'm also start grad school. (Epic FAIL...the cycle, not school)
Dec '09: Chemical pregnancy on a Clomid/IUI cycle. Sadness. Found out I'm heterozygous for MTHFR.
Jan '09: IUI #3 = FAIL. Here comes IVF...
Mar '10: IVF#1 results in a chemical pregnancy. Diagnosed with abnormal fertilization by the sperm. Wha?!
Apr '10: Bring on IVF#2. All retrieved eggs to have ICSI. Scratch that. RE/lab fuckup results in regular fertilization. 15 mature eggs retrieved, 7 fertilize on their own. Grade 3 BB and BC blasts transferred. Beta#1 30.3. Beta #2 79.3. Beta #3 158. We're having a baby! :D
Jan '11: Babel arrives at 39 weeks after 30 hours of labor. He weighed 7lbs 3oz and was 21.5" long. He has the most kissable cheeks his mama has ever seen.
I love you.
ReplyDeleteI have no answers. Only love.
Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteIf I wrote all the curse words I was thinking my comment would look like my cat sat on the number keys on my keyboard with the shift key pressed down at the same time.
ReplyDeleteDammit.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo - this is fucking bullshit K. Bullshit!
ReplyDeleteIt sucks!!! I agree, it's fucking bullshit. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteFuuuuuuuuck! <---- That's what's going through my mind.
ReplyDeleteI so wish I had an answer for you. Does your RE think a clotting disorder may be the culprit? (If you've already been tested for this, I apologize)
Damnit, I'm so angry for you.
:(
ReplyDeleteI wish I had some answers for you, but no sadly "pregnant" on a digital doesn't mean much. At least not to me. I get it. I've been right where you are. It bites.
ReplyDeleteTake care. I'll be thinking of you.
I'm thinking of you...
ReplyDeleteUgh, my heart is broken for you.
ReplyDeletewell shit. You are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThat sucks. I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteSending *hugs* your way.
ReplyDelete