Saturday Night's Alright

Hello, Hope. How are you today? Clearly you are staying busy, taking up residence in my mind.

I spent today at the beach with TH, and I mentioned being pregnant or us having a baby no less than 5 times. I wish I could have kept my mouth shut. Hell, I wish I could have kept my brain quiet, but alas. Silence is not my strong point. It's no secret I was called Mouth when I was little.

My hair has been meticulous blow dried. TH is watching some sci-fi show he likes (with a pregnant character, might I add), and we're killing time until we go out dancing with friends tonight. We haven't been out dancing in ages, but we L♥VE to dance together. Yes, we're going to celebrate a friend's birthday, but really, I'm insisting we go b/c I'm hoping it will be our temporary farewell to drunk nights of dancing for a little while. I hate that I've had a fleeting thought about what the alcohol will do to tomorrow's temperature, but moreso I hate the way this way of thinking and hoping has infiltrated my day-to-day mental dialogue.

Tomorrow we are going to see our nephew. I don't really love BIL and SIL, and I've had an increasingly hard time seeing the baby. To put it lightly, SIL was an ungracious pregnant woman, mostly not pleased to be pregnant because her pregnancy wasn't planned. Those months were painful; and frankly, they were long b/c we knew about a week after she took a test.* (She once called him a bastard b/c she had to go back for an additional u/s when the baby wouldn't show his heart to the technician. I would have been leaping for joy at an unexpected chance to see our baby, but this was unfortunately her story to write, not mine.) Now that the baby is here, she's madly in love with him like any other mother, but even that is painful to watch. It's difficult to watch TH love the baby, as I so desperately wish for us to have our own baby to love, even though I know there's a difference between nephew love and child love. Either way, it's a preview of what TH will be like as a dad, and while beautiful, it cuts to the core.

The other shitty thing about SIL is that she's a bit psycho about the baby. Psycho as in over-protective, don't hold him like that b/c you'll wreck his spine (x3) psycho, which is NOT pleasant. I have chosen to no longer offer to hold our nephew as a result of this. For the amount of effort I have to give in order to be around him, it's not worth it to then be chastised/corrected for holding him wrong. (And for the record, I helped raise 3 of my brothers and sisters. I am fully capable of holding a child.) So, not only are we going to see a baby that is a painful reminder of how long it's been since we started this mess, I also have chosen to clearly draw a line between myself and this child, our nephew. Not fun. Hell, not even remotely comfortable.

Is it any wonder I'm celebrating my non-pregnant status tonight? And while the Hope was a little suffocating today, I hope it's enough to carry me through tomorrow afternoon.

The waiting has begun.


*The pregnancy announcement was the most uncomfortable moment I think I've ever sat through, and that was solely b/c of her and BIL not having their shit together about the news. Ever sat through an unhappy pregnancy announcement while you're fertility has a big question mark? Ick, ick, ick. After her announcement, I had a LONG night of tears and realizations. Watching them express angst at their growing baby made me realize a lot about some mental games I had been playing with myself about being ready for our family. I was fearing our journey (hmmm, is it any wonder after the events of this year), and I realized hiding behind fear wasn't going to get us anywhere near being parents. We officially started trying that month, though we had been trying for a few months prior and we wouldn't call it that out loud. Fourth of July weekend marked a year since that night, and the timestamp has been head-effing me all month.