The second line is the finest

Lately, I feel like I can't get the right words out for what we're going through. Sometimes I have to compartmentalize to make it easier on myself (and subsequently TH). The arrival of my period made me go silent for a few days, and I just could not go "there" and try to explore some of this. More and more, I find it's easier to stay quiet, which I am trying to balance with allowing it to happen when I need it but not allowing it to all stay inside, either.

I think my inability to find the right words is leaving me feeling tangled. There's a fine line between my desire to whine about how hard this is and my desire to stamp my foot. And deep down, I know there's a reason why this is happening as it is. I know that when we do find out I'm pregnant, it will all make sense. It's just hard to stand where we are right now, hurting and fighting through all at the same time, and find the patience to dream of what beautiful tapestry this thread will help make. When the dreams seem too far away, they become painful, and that's not a fun place to be.

It's also hard to stand here and hurt so deeply, knowing that we're going through this for a reason. A year has gone by, and the longer this goes on, the harder it gets. I know a lot of my life lessons surround patience, but I can honestly say that I've learned how to manage my impatience with all that we've gone through this year. I'm almost amazed that it's been over a year. The concrete marker of time is getting to me; I'm questioning God more about how long he'll let this go on. That's where the foot stomping comes in, and I want him to know that I've had enough. We've had enough.

My newest theory is that it will happen in September and that will allow me to complete one full year of grad school without missing any time. It's a tough thought, though, as it makes me unsure of whether I should really trust that instinct and not try so hard for July and August or if part of the reason we're not yet having a baby is that I'm not doing enough. I used to think God was waiting for us to buy an apartment, then for us to be able to live in the apartment, for TH's greencard, or for me to get into grad school. All of those ducks are in a row now, so I'm kind of out of options. I've had all the surgeries needed. We've had all the tests. I'm in the best shape to have a baby, so I go back to wondering about the delay. Perhaps we're back to patience again? Or, perhaps, I should just leave it be.

It's all about the fine lines right now. Sometimes the two options I see are so closely intertwined that it's hard to decide what's best. It's hard to decide which is which, and sometimes it's too hard to look at them too closely. Those are the days when I just can't let my mind go There.