I'm back (a bit)

Let's just say last week was a bit insane. I spent it in bed for the most part, and it's kind of a whir or days. It got a little crazy (*tries not to sing Kenny Chesney song*) with an urgent care trip, some "good" meds that made me pass out every time I stood up, and an ambulance ride to the hospital. Listen, lately when I get sick, I go big. I don't know what else to say.

But, I soldiered on through to Boston this weekend for some much needed girl time. The Kenny concert was Saturday, and I knew staying in bed was NOT the answer. I toughed it out, wore my new brace like a champion, and had a really great (but really exhausting) weekend. SMT time is pretty much the best thing evah. It apparently cures sad backs b/c come Monday, I was pretty much 100%.

Even though last week sucked Big Time, I held my chit together pretty well. We obviously didn't go forward with the Clomid. (The last day I could start taking it was the one that I couldn't stand up without passing out...clearly I had bigger problems on my plate than our baby struggles.) So, we are still going to the appt with RE next Tuesday (day off! Counting Crows concert! Time with TH!) and will have the next steps discussion with him.

I'm really at peace right now. The way this back thing cleared up, I kind of just feel like perhaps I wasn't supposed to go with Clomid this cycle and my body threw the back in there to get me to stop. Really, I don't think I would have forgone this cycle unless it was a situation like this. I know that's all fate-y and such, but that's kind of where I am right now. I haven't updated the blog in a few days b/c I'm not really feeling like Kim, the Frustrated and Currently Childless Wife. I feel...peaceful. Kind of odd when you think about all the physical pain I had last week.

The biggest thing on my mind right now involves fate, everything happens for a reason, and God. In my heart, I can understand the "it's not our time". I get that. Really. The problem is that I don't know what to do to make it our time, or what we should do while we wait for our time. I know when I'm pregnant, I'll feel happy and internally smug at the timing. It will all fall into place for me, and I will understand. (And for the record, I've been calling September for a while.) But what do you do in the mean time?

(Side note: how am I okay with the "it's not our time"? Because nothing I do can make it our time. I have charted, peed, temped, and fingered to get us a baby to no avail. We're about ready to enlist the doc to do his thing to get us a baby. But you know what? I can do everything perfectly, and I *still* might not get us our baby. So, all I have left to have faith in is that it will happen, but it will do so on it's own time. And, I will just keep doing all that I can to make sure we're doing our part on bringing our baby to our family. I think this means I've given up control.)

I keep thinking that there's a list somewhere that God or someone is keeping for me, crossing off all the things TH and I have to do before it's time for our baby. The problem is that I don't know what's ON that list, thus, I can't get our time to come faster. So, the only solution I've found to this situation is to live. I'm dragging TH to a neighboring state's fair. We're cooking together, trying new recipes, buying new gadgets. I'm organizing things. I'm going to dinner and movies with friends. I'm helping to plan a friend's wedding, even though I'm not really a wedding person. I'm trying to get back into some scrapbooking. I'm reading. Oh, God, am I reading. I'm starting school in a few weeks, and I'm *excited* (and a wee bit scared). We're going to the beach. I'm taking vacation days just to putz around the apartment and relax. I'm loving my husband, and we're having sex because we *want* to, and It. Is. Fantastic.

Don't think that I've gotten the "If you just RELAX, it will happen!" bug. I'm still scheduling doctor appointments, and I'm still proppin' my ass up after we have sex. I may or may not break out some OPKs in the coming days. Right now, though, I just really love my husband, and I'm using that to power me through and get me back into our life. He's awesome. We're awesome. No more moping around.