Just shoot me

Isn't that what you do to a sick horse?

My back has now gone out. When this whole disaster of TTC really started to spin out of control in November/December, I was having daily pain. It wasn't my typical endo pain, but it was back pain radiating through to the front near my right ovary. Well, a few trips to the hospital and countless doc appts later, and my favoritest gastro doc ever finally diagnosed me with a herniated disc. I took a 7 day dose pack of steroids, and it was miraculous. I started PT and went for about a month, up until my endo surgery. I should have gone for more, but, honestly, there was too much else going on at that time. I had a pretty serious workup for my lap, and there were an insane amount of doc appts. And after surgery, by the time I would have been ready to go back to PT, my back was much better and I ended up having the septum surgery anyway.

So, fast forward to last week. I run half a block in flip flops for the bus, and wha-bam. As I take my seat on the bus, I realize things are Not Good. (Mind you, for the past month or so I had been running, in proper shoes, here and there, doing some yoga, etc. And, this is NOT the first time I have run half a block in flip flops for the bus. Nor, sadly, will it be the last.)

Everything was going okay. Within a few days last week, my back was feeling much better. But, on Saturday, we went to the fair and did some walking around. I have been wearing tennis shoes all week, so as to have good support. I tried on some clothes (a trigger) without realizing it yesterday, and I think painting my toenails last night is what did me in. See what I get for trying to save money and not getting them done?! :)

So, I'm flat on my back today. I have been calling to various docs, and I have no idea if I'm going to be able to get a steroid pack again. My PCP (who I do not like) was not the least bit helpful. After this, I have to say, I'm going to phase her out. I've got a call into the gastro, but I doubt he wants to treat this for me again. I have a call in to the pain management guy who I saw last time, too, but he isn't in the office on Mondays. (I called the emergency number, but I feel guilty for calling it, even though two others have told me I needed to do it; not being able to walk or bend counts as a medical emergency? I'm not so sure.) I have an appt with the orthopedic surgeon on Thursday, but that seems to be eons away. So, for now, it's ice every few hours, laying flat, and ibuprofen. It seems to be helping.

I was really doing okay with this until the RE's office called. You see, I was supposed to go for CD3 testing today and to start Clomid tonight. This was to be our first cycle with meds. Last week was a bit of an up and down with whether to go for the meds or not. My RE is on vacation until next week, so I was having a bit of a hard time getting calls back/advice on what to do next. I took it as a sign that this cycle was not meant to be with the RE. I resigned myself to that, took it as fate, and decided I was okay with that.

On Saturday, Fate had changed her mind b/c the nurse called and had a lengthy (and hopeful) conversation about the paths we could take. TH is nervous that by going to meds now, we're going to run out of options before he's ready. The nurse talked us down about that and said we're not fast-tracked to IVF (b/c I am *young*, duh - ugh!) and that just because we start with meds doesn't mean we have to do every cycle with them. I think we both felt better, and we both agreed that we'd do Clomid, a trigger shot (RE protocol), and sex at home this month.

So, today is CD3. You can't get CD3 bloods if you can't put pants on. We have until Wednesday to make a decision, but it appears as though Fate has changed her mind yet again. The nurse said if she were in my shoes, she would start next cycle, when I am less stressed because of the back situation. I know we should wait this one out, but I'm so irritated at the up and back business. I was ready to go, and clearly, my body decided it had other plans for us. This, my friends, is what my body likes to do.

The idea of PT, an orthopedic appt, a pain management appt, more meds, and still yet another cycle makes my head spin. I want to be healthy. Clearly I am not able to carry a baby b/c I am not healthy. I'm freaking barely 26. Who has a herniated disc (TWICE) at 26?! This year has been one thing after another for me in terms of health problems, and I am just succumbing to the frustrations today. It's hard not to when you can only lie flat on your back. And clearly I need to take care of this b/c carrying a baby is not going to make my back pain any better.

I just want to cry. Cry and cry and cry. The tears won't come because they are more frustration than actual sadness. Irritation even.

I have no control. I know I have no control, but on days like today, sometimes is just GETS to me. I just want to sink my nails into something, but alas, they're freshly painted and filed.