13 November 2009

Shutdown

Monitoring this morning. As I predicted, I'm not ready to trigger. (Why do I have to go for monitoring when I can monitor myself? Seriously. I'm right on.) We go back on Monday.

I have 15mm and 13mm follices on my right ovary and a 11mm follicle on my left. I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of excited that there are more than one, though who knows if they will all end up being mature at the time of trigger. Guess we'll find out Monday.

We got a letter from the insurance company on Friday that summed up our infertility benefit usage this year. Remember how we didn't go through IVF this cycle b/c we didn't have any insurance money left? Right. Turns out we've only used $250/$5,000. Nice, eh? We could have done it. Five people interpreted our benefits (4 from insurance and 1 from my HOSPITAL employer), and I was the only one who was interpreting it correctly, based on how they paid. I'm trying not to let this bother me, but it's taking little bites out of my psyche.

This cycle feels weird. It feels weird for TH, too. I don't feel anything. I mean, I felt a few endo twinges, a sore and tender vag when I check for CM, and a few random hormonal meltdowns, but that's it. They are all fleeting. I don't feel the weight of IF this month. In fact, I feel nothing at all. I'm very indifferent. TH says this cycle feels like a vacation, which is not quite what I would call it, but I get it.

I talked about it in therapy yesterday, and I just feel like nothing I do matters in the grand scheme of this. I am going to the doctor and taking the medicine. We're having sex or abstaining when they tell us to. But I can't be bothered to analyze this shit this cycle. Frankly, I'm dreading the Ovidrel shot, as I'm certain that's what did me in with the last IUI. I could jump up and down ten times, run a mile backward, or just sit on the couch reading papers on metformin. Nothing that I do matters. It hasn't mattered yet, so why would it mattered now? Thus, I am choosing to just go through the emotions. It's a weird place to be, and it's not me at all, yet here I am.

What else does IF have left to teach me about myself? I'm pretty teached out over here.
Posted by K at 10:33 AM

6 comments:

  1. Summer AthenaNovember 13, 2009 at 11:48 AM

    I hear you on being teached out. Me too. I have learned a lot about myself, life, doctors, insurance, etc.

    I am here for you, always. Call me if you want to talk. xoxo

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  2. ANovember 13, 2009 at 11:57 AM

    Yah, after a while, we IF'ers realize it really isn't up to us. I'm not sure if you're particularly spiritual/religious, but it has really caused me to increase my trust that God has great plans for us, and that if we're waiting right now it's because He has something greater in store...

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  3. Mama KNovember 13, 2009 at 3:22 PM

    I agree with ya! You really do learn so much about yourself throughout the process. I also like what "A" said "God has great plans for us, and that if we're waiting right now it's because He has something greater in store..."

    Wow, I hope you're right!!

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  4. MissyNovember 13, 2009 at 5:34 PM

    Yeah, I'm ready to stop learning too. Too bad it seems the people who have the most to learn are the ones that never get the chance to be taught by IF.

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  5. LinNovember 13, 2009 at 6:54 PM

    I second that teached out sentiment! Your insurance story is maddening...downright aggravating! So sorry for that added insanity!

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  6. LisaNovember 21, 2009 at 5:49 PM

    "What else does IF have left to teach me about myself? I'm pretty teached out over here."

    I totally identify with your insurance nightmare. My insurance company wouldn't pay for anything but the "investigations," but not the treatment or the medication...

    As far as what your infertility can teach you, I can't speak for you, but in hindsight it is easier to realize what it taught me, despite me not thinking I needed to be taught anything.
    1. Infertility can shake the very foundations of your self-belief, your relationship, your friendships and your optimism. There is no doubt that, having come through it, I know myself better and am stronger than I ever was.
    2. I am not a patient person.
    3. I am a determined and resourceful person.
    4. Being a "good" person does not entitle you to good reproductive (or any kind of) health or to pregnancy. We all draw a short straw somt time in life and that was mine.
    5. Illness, and infertility do not choose you because of who you are. They happen to you, and are sometimes the making of you, but in most cases, it's all just crap luck.
    6. I am not a better mother than any of my friends who became pregnant and gave birth easily. We all try our best, succeeding a lot and failing sometimes.
    7. Medical science knows more than it did and less than it will.
    8. You can't remain highly positive all the time. When you awake to a day when it is all too much to bear, you need a strong support network to get you through it.
    9. Tomorrow is another day and another opportunity.
    10. You get little in life that you don't ask for, so ask. Inform yourself, ask questions, Don't hang back, embarrassed, shy, be too cool or too trusting. Ask your doctor, nurse, other women in the waiting room, someone's sister-in-law or friend, radio hosts, seminar leaders, forum members, experts, Google, the pharmacist, the insurance company. ASK every question that pops into your mind and keep asking, until you know you are on the right track.
    IComLeavWe Lisa http://yourgreatlife.typepad.com

    ReplyDelete

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