Just tell me to go

In January (where did the time go?), I set up a consult in April for a different RE. He's the only one at this other practice, which is known to be very good, that takes my insurance. I set this appt up prior to the first IVF, hoping we'd never have to use it. Well, well, well.

I called for the authorization today. I've gathered the records from IVF. He wants films from the HSG, but frankly, that's too much to ask of me at this point. I filled out the forms they emailed this morning when they called to confirm the appointment. I had a minor chitfit at "Patient's Name". How come TH always gets to be listed as the partner? He's the patient now, too. Peanuts, I know, but the thought was there with each time I had to write it. (I also cursed our ridiculously long last name.)

Tell me that going doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean that we're still going to be stuck on this train. It doesn't mean I don't have faith in this IVF, this new plan. It just means it takes a really long time to get a consult with this doctor, so going is just that...going.

We've decided that if this doesn't work, we will be on a break. In my mind, I call it an indefinite break. I need to heal. I can't walk around with this gaping hole and try to pretend like everything is okay, if this doesn't work. I need to walk away from all of it for awhile and let myself heal, let the wound close up a little bit. I can't keep walking around like this, a shadow of myself, depressed and on the verge of tears more days than not. I won't. I'm worth more than that, as I've slowly started to remember these last few weeks. So if I have to table this for awhile (and maybe a long while) to get back to taking care of myself and leaving the self-hate of infertility behind, then we need to do it. TH deserves his wife back, not this shadow of a woman for whom he needs to care for. So you might be able to see why I'm not sure this appt is worth it and why it might feel like I am tying myself in to something I've already turned down.

I never understood how people took breaks before, but now I see. You can't keep this up. It would be a mistake for me to keep us going if this doesn't work. I realize that now, and that's how I know that it's finally right. If this doesn't work, we work on letting it all go for awhile, whatever that means.

I can't thank you all for the support in the past week. As the emails trickle in with the comments, I can't describe the literal support I feel. I will have you all to fall back on, to carry me over the finish line, if and when I need you to. I know you will. You'll hold my hope, when I have no desire to see it, in the strange way that I can easily hold yours when I can't believe in my own. Knowing that makes this a little easier. You know how I feel about this cycle, and no one judged me for doing it anyway. In fact, you understood.

We're at a temporary finish line. I just have to do this cycle. If it works, great. (We'll get to that later.) If it doesn't, we stop. We breathe. Classes will be over, and we will live again. And my heart will start to heal.